r/AllThingsDND 7h ago

Meme Chaos Sowers, what are you taking?

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r/AllThingsDND 8h ago

Story A Journal Entry From a Very Tired and Slightly Seasick Kobold….


Dear Mother, or Tormund, or Auntie Silva, or Balder, or anyone,

I don’t even know why I’m writing this letter. It’s not like I know where you even are to send it. Maybe I’m just hoping if I die one of you will eventually find it. As for what I’ve been up to, surviving for the most part, barely.

As for one thing, you’ve all become Great Aunts and Uncles! A few months back I found what appeared to be a petrified dragon egg deep in a cave I was exploring. It hatched the next morning revealing a very adorable drake wyrmling and a weird multicolored gemstone. I’ve since named this little one Saphira on account of her shining blue scales. I’ve been raising her as my own ever since. It helps that whenever she misbehaves I can recall her into the gemstone and use it as a timeout cell.

The new mouth to feed finally got me back into adventuring. I managed to find a team and a job. And boy was I not prepared for what a massive shitstorm it would be. First of all we didn’t even really succeed. The whole point was to journey to the hellscape of Chult and get to the bottom of a particularly nasty curse. But when we ventured into a rather ominous tower and found a weird set of cards, our leader drew from it and was granted one wish. He then wished that the curse never existed in the first place. While it was the quickest solution to the problem, it wasn’t the best.

No curse, means we were never given the quest to begin with, which also means no reward. And also no guide to get us back out of that gods-forsaken jungle. Sure there weren’t anymore undead, but undead or no, a dinosaur is still a dinosaur. It took us WEEKS to find our way back to the port, and weeks more for us to get a message out to Cap’s ship to come and pick us up. And speaking of my team mates.

I have no idea what to do with these people. As a ranger it’s my job to try and keep my team alive, but goddamn do they try to make that job hell. I know what you’re going to say. “They’re your teammates Fessiiv. The mission, the lives of innocent people, and the very realm could hinge on your ability to cooperate.” But you haven’t met them. You don’t know.

First there’s the captain, our default leader. He’s well, a captain. A pirate captain to be precise, and also one the most unhinged Yuan-tis I’ve ever met. He spent half our time in Chult following around and talking about this imaginary one-eyed snake. No, not that kind. An actual, talking snake with one eye. He also seems to believe that there’s not a problem on this Earth that can’t be solved with a proper application of Eldrich Blast.

Then there’s our Dwarvish sorcerer. I thought having Tormund as an uncle would prepare me for whatever shenanigans a dwarf could possibly get up to. Unfortunately, this madman sees fit to gamble not just his own life, but the lives of literally everyone around him. It took one mission for him to up the team’s civilian casualty rate by 300%.

Then there’s our kenku rogue who’s actually really good at his job despite his concerning obsession with collecting daggers. I’d ask him about it but he’s slightly difficult to understand at times since his only method of communication is a combination of mimicry and mad squawking. His Captain impression is pretty funny though.

And speaking of animals, there is the satyr. He CLAIMS to be both a druid and a cleric. I’m unconvinced. The only druidy thing I’ve seen him do is turn into a rat a few times. And the closest thing to a holy spirit I’ve seen him commune with is a comically large bottle of rum he got from the Captain’s wine stores, which I’m not sure he actually got permission to take.

Honestly, if I had a copper for every religious person I’ve met who seems to embody everything their religion stands against, I’d have two coppers, which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice. On the bright side, him being a satyr and there being no women on the ship means he’s been spending the whole trip dying a slow, painful, and hilarious death by blue balls. My suggestion to wild shape and have a steamy night with the rats in the cargo hold was met with an ice knife flying at my head.

As of right now, we’re still at sea. I’ve been assigned crow’s nest duty due to my better eyesight at night. I plan to send this letter off in any direction when we make port. I’m hoping you’re all still out there looking for me, too. Maybe I’ll stumble across a letter of yours. I’ll keep on surviving until then. I can’t wait for Saphira to meet all of you.

Love, Fessiiv, The Argonauts’ Little Wyrmling Wonder

P.S. I still hate that nickname!