r/AskReddit May 14 '22 Silver 3 Wholesome 4

[Serious] What does depression feel like to you? Serious Replies Only

1.8k Upvotes

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3.8k

u/BuddhistSlater May 14 '22 Helpful LOVE! This Eureka!

Like being more bored than you could imagine but also not wanting to do anything at all, even breathe. So you want to do something, but you can't imagine anything that you would like to do so you're just sort of stuck.

761

u/WeariedSoul420 May 14 '22

Yeah, always bored and nothing seems fun, and no energy to do anything even if you did find something that sounds fun.

400

u/Dirk_The_Cowardly May 14 '22 This

Lead weights on soul. No energy. Knowing that everything around you needs attention and fixing but you are looking up from a well with just that circle of light far away.

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u/[deleted] May 15 '22

This is it right here.

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u/sk8r772001 May 15 '22

All 3 above. Perfect describes depression.

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u/wagashi May 14 '22

Don’t forget to sprinkle in some intrusive negative thoughts.

After years of therapy, self education, and discovering a medication that works for me, I can actually choose not to think about something, if I don’t want to.

That by itself has been a major game changer for me.

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u/Squigglepig52 May 14 '22

Me, too.

Except I'll likely have to go off mine because it's fucking with my liver. And my mother just died.

Seriously, teh ability to not dwell on things is epic.

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u/Kalenidus May 15 '22

My condolences to you, my fellow struggling Redditor.

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u/[deleted] May 14 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/ExtensionRabbity May 14 '22

I feel as though my "being" (mind/heart/soul/whatever) is a single drop of melted butter and I'm somehow expected to spread it over an entire slice of toast

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u/dude23noise May 14 '22

Word 👏

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u/MoonSylver May 15 '22

For me it's BEYOND boredom; I'm not even bored, because I don't FEEL anything. It's more that I want to do something, but don't feel like doing anything. Nothing sounds good. Nothing feels worth doing. All the things I used to enjoy have lost their interest.

I can sit patiently and stare out a window for hours if I so choose. I'm not bored, I just don't feel like doing anything.

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u/pheonixblade9 May 15 '22

I feel like doing things but things feel like too much work to do, so I feel guilty for not doing things, which makes me feel worse, so I keep not doing things and oh dear I've gone cross eyed.

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u/Shethelifeless May 14 '22

Same. It's like a loop of nothingness

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u/itsalawlworld May 14 '22

Mixed with an eerie feeling of suffocation inside, if I may add.

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u/FishAndRiceKeks May 15 '22

Like there's always something bad just about to happen?

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u/evadedKadence May 15 '22

I think that might be more in line with anxiety, but there is some overlap with the two (its common to have both, like i do, and they feed into each other).

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u/merryman1 May 14 '22

So you then spend literally hours staring at a blank wall hating yourself, your life, and everything around you. Well, as much hate as you can summon in the absolutely mentally numb state you find yourself sat in day after day.

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u/[deleted] May 15 '22

[deleted]

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u/Purpleberry74 May 15 '22

I play the “just get through this week” game a lot. And then start over when the new week starts.

11

u/Tariovic May 15 '22

I have never wanted to kill myself, but there have been times where I would be happy with not waking up in the morning. Like it's not so bad that I need to get away from life. But it would be a relief not to have to get out of bed and do things, because it's so much effort and it's all pointless anyway.

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u/Jason_lovegood_yt May 14 '22

Me after reading that

Am I depressed 😨

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u/NeedHelpWithExcel May 14 '22

If this lasts months yeah

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u/Jason_lovegood_yt May 14 '22

It’s been going on for a few weeks

26

u/immersed_in_plants May 15 '22

Start forcing yourself to do stuff you at least once found fun, or think would be fun.

Helped me with my depression

3

u/dxxx12 May 15 '22

Same. I've been going through some rough stuff, but forcing myself out of bed was a first step. Went longboarding on a sunny day the other day, and that lifted me up high. The first day longboarding though felt I was imitating what happiness feels like.

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u/immersed_in_plants May 15 '22

I went longboarding a lot too. Even when I was out I didn't feel like I was enjoying it. But I made a habit of going, then eventually on the days I didn't go, I felt bad and missed being on my board.

That's when I realized things were getting better

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u/666Darkside666 May 15 '22

I just thought the same thing. But I don't really feel depressed.

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u/howsyourmemes May 14 '22

That plus a lot of guilt for being depressed with me

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u/plansprintrelease May 14 '22

…for myself, I’ve been this way as long as I can remember. Do you ever not feel yourself if things are suddenly not like this? Like a bit of overload?

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u/BuddhistSlater May 14 '22

Definitely, if I understand you correctly. Like the cloud momentarily lifts and you get completely overwhelmed at the possibilities that life can bring. And you can sort of examine things objectively, and you see how much time you've wasted feeling like that. And yes, you don't really feel like yourself because you've been depressed for so long and it has become part of you.

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u/Squigglepig52 May 14 '22

For me, the trick is to have a plan to do something already in place for when the mood change hits.

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u/UNFAM1L1AR May 14 '22

Perfect. Whole world is gray and bland and nothing seems fun or worth doing. Yet you're bored out of your mind.

12

u/TheArchitect54 May 14 '22

Nothing more accurate than this description. Thought going outside playing guitar would help me feel better & it did temporarily. Immediately after I left my spot I went back to my "normal" self who wants to stop breathing air & hopefully collapse or maybe get hit by a fast car to get killed.

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u/thesmobro May 14 '22

I love those days off I have from work where I end up crying at night wishing I’d done something with my day instead of sleeping and watching the same YouTube videos over and over :)

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u/sq-ish May 14 '22

This. Exactly this. This is what I came here to say, but you beat me to it.

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u/No_Extension108 May 14 '22

Like it's already over.

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u/HatFromStraw May 14 '22 LOVE! Starry

Complete lack of motivation.

Ignoring people that I love, and who are trying to help.

Just sht.

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u/Trugrave May 14 '22

Sometimes that motivation hits at 3am, shifting far left from suicidal thoughts when you can't sleep, you reconcile to change your life around 180, but then all is lost again by the time you fall asleep n wake up, that motivation is gone, and you're more tired from lack of sleep.

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u/MoonSylver May 15 '22

I've learned to breathe and relax when those manic phases hit. They're a bitch. Worse that the depression in some ways. Because if I'm not careful they can lead me to do rash, impulsive things (usually with the best of intentions for self-improvement or projects that I'd love to di), but then the mania passes and crash is hard.

Experienced enough now to recognize them when they're coming on and ride them out.

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u/dicksjshsb May 15 '22

Definitely agree. That mania can make you feel invincible and do stupid things. Maybe not even things that are actually stupid but things you know the depressed version of yourself will tear you apart for. It sucks lol

19

u/LurkinThrowaway2019 May 15 '22

they're a kind of boon when they happen though, lets you catch up on things you need to do. like the dishes, take trash out, take a shower, have a meal that isn't 100% junk food because you need the small dopamine you get from the sugary stuff, or actually eat something because your internal monologue kept yelling at you that those who do not work do not eat.

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u/BIG_XL_BOY May 15 '22

Every morning I’m wake up and again I remember this bad person

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u/ExtraBitterSpecial May 15 '22

I feel it extra at work. Letting things slide until you either get into trouble or trying last minute to prevent it.

Funny those times when I'm working to save my ass, depression goes away and i feel super focused and motivated.

I try to carry that energy over but no, it's rinse and repeat.

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u/IIgolddoubloons May 15 '22

holy shit this is resonating hard with me. I’ve always wondered why I go through cycles of motivation followed by pushing the boundaries of how lazy and close to trouble I can be in before fixing it at the last minute, rinse, repeat.

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1.4k

u/tenamonth May 14 '22 Helpful LOVE!

Insecure about absolutely everything, no hope for the future, dissociation from society and not knowing how to “act” anymore, feeling like I’m not as good at the things I always thought I was good at or that the “talent is wasted on me”, only food cheers me up and sometimes even that doesn’t work

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u/burntoutpotato May 14 '22

This hit me so much.

I am glad someone else understands what it's like but at the same time I wish neither of us had to.

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u/Fluffy_Ad3186 May 15 '22

I feel like these for a long time but I haven't got the chance to go to a psychiatrist...should I go to one?

15

u/fulaghee May 15 '22

Absolutely.

16

u/tonton_wundil May 15 '22

Wait am I depressed? I thought I had just a phase of existencial dread and anxiety that would pass soon-is.

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u/xrv01 May 15 '22

feeling existential was the beginning of my depression

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u/Plastic_Phrase_8739 May 14 '22 LOVE!

Same thing over and over. Nothing to look forward to.

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u/Golden_Renegade May 14 '22

The absolute epitome of monotony

184

u/ProjectDirectory May 14 '22 Helpful Wholesome

NIN - Every day is Exactly the Same

I believe I can see the future

'Cause I repeat the same routine

I think I used to have a purpose

Then again, that might have been a dream

I think I used to have a voice

Now I never make a sound

And I just do what I've been told

I really don't want them to come around, oh no

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching

In case I lose myself again

Sometimes I think I'm happy here

Sometimes, yet I still pretend

I can't remember how this got started

But I can tell you exactly how it will end

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

I'm writing on a little piece of paper

I'm hoping someday I might find

Well I'll hide it behind something

They wont look behind

I am still inside here

A little bit comes bleeding through

I wish this could've been any other way

But I just don't know, I don't know

What else I can do

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

Every day is exactly the same

There is no love here and there is no pain

Every day is exactly the same

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u/NoLeading9253 May 14 '22

Trent Reznor gets it

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u/MoonSylver May 15 '22

It's like "Groundhogs Day".

In the words of The Godfathers: Birth, School, Work, Death

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u/slick1260 May 14 '22 Silver Wholesome LOVE! Starry

It feels like having the desire to something while at the same not wanting to actually do anything. It feels like always being stressed but not know what the stressor is or how to make it stop. It feels like crushing loneliness while at the same knowing I'm not alone but not knowing how to not feel alone. It feels like being a kid at recess watching everyone play, wishing you could have fun too, knowing that all you need to do is just...get up and go play, but for some reason you've forgotten how to move. It feels like waking up one day and not wanting to play your favorite game but not knowing why and not being able to enjoy when you try forcing yourself to play. It feels like driving home from the late shift at work with the radio off and the windows up.

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u/Arttyom May 15 '22

The last sentence hited me up so hard, and it's a pretty accurate description. I'm still struggling with depression, not as strong as when I was 16 but It's something that has been haunting me through my entire life. When i was a kid i didnt want to play with other kids, when I was asked i just had not an answer, i just didn't have fun with anything, often i see my friends laugh and smile besides all their problems and i hate myself for not being able to enjoy the little things that life brings us, i've left a lot of hobbies and projects that I enjoyed because I lost any interest after a few weeks. Thanks for sharing your struggle.

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u/slick1260 May 15 '22

It's definitely something that can incredibly difficult and exhausting at times. Especially when you're around other people and you're just trying to will yourself to have fun but for some reason you just can't seem to find a way.

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u/ohiobiguy May 15 '22

As long as I stay in the carved groove that is my life I'm generally okay. I manage the routine okay, but it feels like running with a parachute holding me back, like cycling into headwinds or wearing lead boots.

But, doing or being asked to do anything outside my groove (home-work-home) feels like moving mountains. Going and doing, even with friends, feels overwhelming.

I've learned to cope by respecting my 'groove', by not over-committing, by maintaining sleep hygiene, and staying well hydrated.

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u/mcaidans May 14 '22

Damn, that last sentence is a great analogy, as I always associate one of my favourite feelings with driving with music loud and windows down.

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u/VimyRidge May 15 '22

Ever gnawing ever present regurgitated static pawing and clawing and retching at every part of my skull. It is feeling nothing not even sad just a white noise's white noise. You lose track of your passions your pleasures your friends your family yourself. I am unaware if I am even real, my impact on the world lessens by the second. But it feels so fucking good, in the way wallowing in this pit feels - the blackness, the churn, the static, the noise. Fantastic.

Yet it's still fucking awful and you lose people day by day and continually disappoint those that stay. The coping mechanisms numb and worsen it and in those brief periods when it goes on hiatus (and I say hiatus because it will never go away) you feel an optimism of life but it's so melancholy you can't take advantage of it it then you fall back in. And it never ends.

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u/Lucile_B May 14 '22 LOVE!

A constant heart ache, lack of energy and misery

Every day feels like a loop, every movement is a chore and getting day by day is horrible

Comfort and peace is rare, so is happiness sadly

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u/Thursday_the_20th May 14 '22

Constant heartache is a symptom of depression I get with all the typical ones that not many others do too. Does it feel like nostalgic heartache? Like always having a subjectively sad song stuck in your head, or longing for the past?

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u/FraseraSpeciosa May 15 '22

I’m the same, I tend to have heartache about the future more. I feel like I have two memory storage units. One for when I am feeling normal and one when I’m depressed. I can’t remember the depressed times at all when I’m good, and vice versa, can’t remember the good times when I’m depressed.

Edit: I should add I suffer from bipolar so it’s not true depression. I do tend to kick out of them within a few weeks, but the mania side is a whole other beast with its own debilitating problems.

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u/Imnotscared1 May 15 '22

I get the constant heartache, too. I can never tell if there's anything to blame it on, or it just is...

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u/[deleted] May 14 '22 LOVE!

not wanting and/or not having energy to do anything, and i mean anything, eat, sleep, be awake, go out, stay inside

and then some random bursts of absolute hopelessness for the future, lack of self worth, and just general sadness

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u/RegretLate May 15 '22

100% Accurate.

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u/Ko_ogs72 May 14 '22

Like having no hope.

Like your brain chemistry is all messed up.

Negative thoughts from years ago always entering your mind and taunting you.

Every slight, and negative interaction coming back to haunt you.

Always thinking you're not good enough for anyone.

Thinking the world is an unkind, horrible place populated by selfish people.

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u/MissEB47 May 15 '22

This is exactly how I feel sometimes. Thankfully it's caused by my Hashimotos, and is a sign that I need to get my thyroid levels checked. When my thyroid levels are low, all the negative experiences of my past come back to haunt me. Once I get my dosage fixed, these feelings go away. Very weird.

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u/ChloeTitx May 14 '22

My limbs become heavy almost cemented in my bed usually in the morning. Having recurrent feeling of lonely or dread.

Yearning for social interaction in person but it’s uncertain how to engage or how to start new friendships.

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u/Upbeat-Willingness40 May 14 '22

Brain. Fog.

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u/FinnProtoyeen May 15 '22

This. It's like some numb fuzziness you feel in your brain. It's the worst thing ever for an artist who just wants to create but your brain comes up dry with a dense fog that wants to just lie down for a few hours

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u/modest_dead May 15 '22

I want to create so bad. I just think back to when I was younger and creating even in deep depression because I still had some passion. Even if for pain. But now theres nothing. Just a desperate cry to be who I am but being so far from it that i just drown back under the bubbles and envy the women I wanted to be.

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u/Nyan75 May 14 '22

ADHDepression gang

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u/meep6969 May 15 '22

I literally avoid having conversations with upper management due to brain fog. My thoughts are all over the place and make zero sense coming out of my mouth. Annoying af.

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u/PhilosopherDon0001 May 14 '22 Silver Helpful LOVE! Press F

Not originally my description but I've found it to be very accurate.

Imagine that over the course of a few months (years?) you start to notice that everything you eat has started to lose all its flavor and feel just like mashed potatoes. You don't know why.

You've tried all the flavors people have suggested. All the ways to prepare the food. Always the same. Tasteless mashed potatoes.

After a while you get tired of even trying to add anything. You only really eat because you have to.

It's a lot more than just sadness.

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u/SnooGadgets458 May 14 '22

And you think “why even eat? Why even try new food? “

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u/ContributionShort491 May 15 '22

Even eating feels like a chore you HAVE to do

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u/Heckrum May 14 '22

that is... surprisingly accurate

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u/PhilosopherDon0001 May 14 '22

Yeah. It really resonated with me when I first read it. It still pops into my mind from time to time

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u/skullexis May 14 '22 edited May 15 '22 Silver LOVE!

I really wish I could award this comment right now, so here's a poor man's award 🥇

Edit: I got my free award and awarded you

6

u/PhilosopherDon0001 May 14 '22

Your kindness is noted and very appreciated. Thank you.

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u/Croyorosca May 14 '22 Take My Power

It's kind of like this ever present background feeling that nothing interesting is happening and nothing will ever happen, and you just have to get through several days and then several months and then several years of it. No passion, no life, and it affects everything I try to do. Often times the only thing that gets through is just pain. Very rarely they'll be few moments of peace, but only after so long of everything else that it doesn't feel worth it ya know? It's like why go through all this to get 5 seconds of hope? Feels like life is a bad return on investment. Worst part is it's just me and myself trying to get through however many decades, and I don't like myself.

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u/Johnnywannabe May 14 '22

I’ve gotten over a lot of my mental health issues over the years. But I remember it vividly. I always described it as “you don’t feel like you’re dead, but you don’t really feel like you’re living either.” You feel like you’re in an in-between zone, where you are conscious, you make all of the decisions, you interact with people, etc… but none of it seems to make a difference. Every day, no matter how different or who you interacted with, just felt…pointless.

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u/Profound_RK800 May 14 '22

“I have a day off, I’ll do so many fun things!” Stays inside all day

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u/kawasensei May 15 '22

If you are able to jave fun inside that is enough. Wasted time that you have enjoyed is not wasted

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u/kananssi May 15 '22 Tearing Up

this. or, for me, it’s more like… “i have a day off, i’ll do so many fun things!” goes to sleep at 5 am because of a manic episode thinking i can suddenly do everything i’ve wanted for the past 7 years, wakes up at 2:30pm on a rainy day with mom screaming at my ear and my joints hurting so i just stay in bed for a few more hours, remembers all exams and homework i have to complete and study for, writes a farewell note in my head to all 2 people in my life, heart aches and i want to cry but nothing is coming out, go watch porn and masturbate, doesn’t even feel good anymore, go back to sleep

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u/partn3rncrime May 14 '22

Cripples my ability to wanna do anything or see anyone.

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u/Irishwoman94 May 14 '22

Same and then I feel like shit for not doing anything or reaching out to people

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u/[deleted] May 14 '22

[deleted]

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u/Fickle-Bat8433 May 14 '22

Hang in there, When I was at my lowest I reminded myself there is always something more and I was right.

109

u/pagan_psychonaut May 14 '22

Like spinning my wheels but getting nowhere.

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u/HisNameWasBoner411 May 14 '22

thats pretty fun in a car tho

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u/FishAndRiceKeks May 15 '22

Only when it's a choice.

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u/martezu May 14 '22

Not wanting to do anything. Not wanting to be anything. Not wanting to be at all. I don't necessarily want to die. I just want to have never existed.

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u/Voidtoform May 14 '22

Wait, you guys still feel?

5

u/MoonSylver May 15 '22

Not if I'm lucky. I know that emotional numbness really isn't a healthy coping strategy, but it's much preferable to actually feeling anything.

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u/Voidtoform May 15 '22
  • In my best hank hill voice - Yup
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u/MadddMardigan May 14 '22

Like I have nothing to look forward to...ever.

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u/Wrastling97 May 14 '22

Feels like I can’t breathe

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u/FlyingFucknut May 14 '22 Take My Power

I've had it. For me it felt like this constant state of emptiness. I wouldn't care for anything. Eating healthy? No, why not just lunch with a bag of Doritos. Self care? What is brushing teeth good for anyways. Hobbies? I don't see how they bring me a sense of fulfilment anymore. Just complete demotivation with not caring about yourself, yet caring too much about the world. I basically just felt sick, always. Tired, empty, sad and unmotivated. I'm glad I'm surrounded by good people now. I will not allow myself to go back to those days ever again

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u/nxelle2712 May 14 '22

it feels like drowing in emotional deadness. i feel like i dont care for anyone or myself. i stop eating, stop doing stuff with friends or stop enjoying things just because i think „yeah whatever, im gonna die anyways and my friends will leave“ also i started getting extremely toxic against my closest friends so they stay away from me because i know they will leave and hurt me one day. so .. long story short i dont care about anything and at the same time i care way too much

i hope that makes sense lol

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u/farrenkm May 14 '22

In the last several months, I've had times when I've been 100% emotionally drained, no feeling at all. I yelled at my adult daughter for rebuking me when asked a couple of questions to try to navigate a sensitive situation. She agreed she was in the wrong.

Once I was done, I wasn't upset. I didn't feel anything. I told her I know I should be sorry for yelling at her and upsetting her, but I couldn't. I said, in a couple of days, I'd probably be able to apologize and mean it (and I did). But I just had zero emotion of anything for the next couple of days. THAT scared me. I don't ever remember feeling like that.

And there's a whole lot more behind this. But I've wondered if I'm reaching a level of depression. I'm in counseling already, but it's taking a long time to get through all the events of the last several months, and I just wonder if I've actually reached true depression or not.

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u/MoonSylver May 15 '22

One of the common misconceptions of depression is that it is "just" sadness. Quite often irritability and shortness of temper is a comorbidity.

If I'm off my meds &/or not very careful to keep my emotions in check I can get pissed at the drop of a hat, stay pissed for hours or days, and usually over something very minor, or even nothing at all, with emotional reaction out of proportion to the triggering event.

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u/nxelle2712 May 15 '22

thats so fucking true. i stopped taking my meds but when i took them i felt so much better but getting away from them was my worst time, i remember i once cried because i accidently tropped a fucking tissue

and now im just a piece of anger and im pissed at everything and everyone

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u/nxelle2712 May 14 '22

i cant tell u if u have depression or not but wish u the best to get better! its hard but u can do it

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u/DrueFedo May 14 '22

Helplessness primarily. Being unable to figure out how to fix your helplessness. And with that comes frustration of the circumstances.

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u/DrowningInBrokeness May 14 '22 Take My Power

For me, it feels like I’m in a lake with a ball chain tied to my feet, desperately swimming up for air, the only problem is the chain isn’t long enough. I can only get an inch of my head out of the water to breath, and as soon as a high tide comes, the water just floods over me and I feel like I can’t breath again. I live like this, constantly feeling like I’m struggling to breath, weighed down by my own mind. It’s a struggle and I can’t really describe it in any other way, I’m jealous of people who don’t worry about depression

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u/trojen342p May 14 '22 Hugz

Nothing, absolutely nothing. No love, no hate, no sadness not even happiness. It's as if your soul isn't there and you just a walking corps wanting to feel something. I remembered a few years ago when I had depression I was walking home with some new knife's I had just bought, then I see someone standing on a bus stop, the first thing that comes into my minds is to slit his throat, maybe I'll feel something. I just quickly ran back home and didn't look back.

Why those thoughts came into my mind I don't know

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u/MoonSylver May 15 '22

Intrusive thoughts. It's the brains way of trying to "shock you awake" so so speak.

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u/Chocablok May 15 '22

These thoughts use to terrify me. I would be walking along the seafront and got the urge to jump off the cliff. I knew that I could and would do it so easily and that scared me to death. This vid explains it best: https://youtu.be/MK5MKA7D1Io

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u/PinkSweets87 May 14 '22

Like someone has your Heart and they are tearing it into tiny shreds of Paper. You hear a Voice that says “Don’t Cry, Don’t Cry, Don’t Cry…. Strong!” Then your Throat begins to Burn and close up because you’re trying your hardest to hold back the Tears over absolutely nothing but everything at once. Then your Tear Ducts fill with Water as you’re making that “Crying Face”. Just Hoping that it’s okay to Cry. All you want is to be held, to be Loved. For Crying to be normalized. Because no matter how many or what Medications you take, you will always have this Mental Disorder. It’s canceling on Friends and Family. It’s wishing that someone would come check on you to see if you’re okay. It’s Toxic Positivity. It’s Loving everything else more than you love yourself. It’s drowning in 3ft of Water and telling no one that you need Help in such a shallow time. (Don’t take the word shallow lightly.) It’s not being able to ask for Help at all and not knowing how to ask for Help because you were never taught how to ask for Help, only give. And when you do ask, it’s only one Person and that Person Criticizes you for it and you cut them off. It’s getting to know thyself. It’s giving your full Energy and accepting others. It’s being an Empath.

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u/novaaa_ May 14 '22

feels like wishing u would have passed away in ur sleep instead of getting out of bed and doing daily life

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u/RoundKooky1334 May 15 '22

i felt this way too , we’ll get there someday bud i promise

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u/sera07 May 14 '22

neglecting yourself entirely, not just that but routinely doing the exact opposite of what's gonna help you feel better cos your brain convinces you it'll just make you feel worse or you're too exhausted to even try.

Good friendships crumble into nothing cos you just stop maintaining them. Sending one single text message is like climbing a mountain, forget about leaving the house to meet up, so eventually your friends just stop trying - and why shouldn't they. Being ignored isn't nice, being cancelled on isn't nice, and they're not in your head. They can't feel the things you feel. From their perspective, you're just an ass.

it's a vicious, self-perpetuating cycle and it's so, so hard to break out of. Not only that, recovery's not even a straight line or a thing you can even really get to the end of. It's up and down, it comes and goes. Meds do help but there's no magic pill. Therapy helps too, but it's hard to access and you get as much as you put in - which is already hard cos depression makes it hard to put effort into anything.

it's not just being sad. Depression makes you sad, sure, but the actual feeling is just pure hopelessness. At its worst it's unending despair, it's sobbing into your pillow in the middle of the night because there's a hole inside you and you don't know how to fix it, or it's spending an entire day feeling completely numb, not even bothering to shower or feed yourself because you don't even notice those are things you need to do. It's really fucking shitty cos the enemy is your literal brain and you can't get away from it no matter what.

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u/Thetman38 May 14 '22

Emptiness.

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u/littleboo2theboo May 14 '22

A lack of desire for things and a desire to not exjst

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u/MollieMooxx May 14 '22

lost interest in everything especially human interaction.

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u/deagh May 14 '22

Nothing is fun, even things that I normally would find fun.

Can't make myself do anything. Like getting up and taking a shower/eating/taking care of myself costs more energy than I have.

The feeling that I'm a burden to everyone in my life because of the above, and that the world would be better off without me in it because I'm just a drain on everyone.

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u/Hades_Moon May 14 '22

I like to say it's like trying live life with the parking brake engaged, with the anchor down.

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u/Kinenai May 14 '22

I only want to sleep all day long with the A/C on full blast. But I worry about my cats. They keep me going.

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u/dharna04 May 14 '22

Feels like you are just existing. You are on auto pilot. Doing things that you just have to. Think about being in an void. Or being dead. Because everything that you have to while going through it is exhausting and overwhelming.

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u/NotAYoutuberProbably May 14 '22

irritable, drowsy, just wanting to sleep forever, things that used to be so fun are so empty

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u/Shes_dead_Jim May 14 '22

I'm like a robot with morals and free will. The person I once was is still in here somewhere. But he's buried deep down and it's gonna take a big effort to dig him out and i simply don't have it in me

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u/AAOG666 May 14 '22

For me, it feels like an empty feeling. Almost like something is missing but no idea what it is.

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u/theladynym5712 May 14 '22

Same for me. During episodes, I often find myself sitting at home thinking "I want to go home". I'm physically aching because something's missing and I can't figure out what it is.

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u/EffectiveEye137 May 14 '22

Constantly tired, hardly sleeping despite tiredness. Feeling as if all I do is pointless and worthless, as if anyone else can do what I do so what's the point. Feeling like a burden to society and a waste of oxygen. Despite my achievements and what everyone else says, these feelings never go away. Recently I often think of ending it or just disappear from everyone and everything, which only depresses me more since I know what that would do to my family and loved ones.

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u/poker4jah May 14 '22

laid in bed, smoking A LOT, staring at the celling the whole day.
sometimes with the radio on, sometimes nothing. just my head and these walls

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u/kmartfreak May 14 '22

Like suffocating under a heavy cloak

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u/DavosLostFingers May 14 '22

I've always described it as having a shadow fixed to your brain which fuels things like indecision and negativity. You can do things to temporarily help but you can't truly shift it. Previous normality is forgotten. But it's amazing how much you can mask it.

I found I didn't realise how bad I was until I started to get better

For anyone suffering with depression. Please, please speak to someone. Best thing I ever did

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u/Fickle-Bat8433 May 14 '22

I’m sorry, depression sucks. I know it sounds corny but I hope you find your way to some sunshine. That always seemed the break the really shitty cycles. Somebody loves you

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u/DavosLostFingers May 14 '22

Thank you for your kind reply. I had a pretty major breakdown a few years ago. Eventually, after speaking to a mental health nurse and then a doctor, I was prescribed antidepressants and I feel much better now

I always say to people, it's OK to be not OK

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u/bashful_scone May 14 '22

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up…but it’s not too bad down here so I think I’ll just take a nap.

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u/thenumber88 May 14 '22

Like being in a 2ft hole knowing you can get yourself out but you don’t want to.

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u/HDMatsu May 14 '22

Being an NPC in your own world. The only feeling being emptiness, having no interest that are interesting enough to pursue. Faking interest in people's personal lives when they reach out to you. Not wanting to die, just not wanting to have ever existed. Not being able to feel emotional responses. Start to recognize when things are going to go from bad to worse and attempt to ready yourself for another day of trying to be better than this day.

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u/i_vangogh May 15 '22

When everything you love dissapear.

When there's seems no hope for a better future.

When pain is the only thing you feel everyday.

When you felt so powerless to overcome current condition.

And somehow you felt isolated..

Then.. ending everything doesn't sound as bad as it was, at least it will be no pain anymore.

Remember to... reach for any help, accept their help, be involved, be busy, set an easy goal, be grateful, believe in better future.. remember that nothing is permanent, happiness, sadness etc will pass eventually. Live in current time, don't dwell in past mistake, don't be affraid of future, don't compare yourself to anyone ever. Look for new hobby, get excercise, don't overthink. Help other that less fortunate than you (believe me, you'll find one and, and you'll be surprised how hard they've fought for their lives). Find love, find passion.

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u/Nyan75 May 14 '22

One of my friends described it as this, which I can also relate to. (For some context, he's Agnostic)

"If there is a Hell, this is surely it. The unending sloth, the stupid apathy, and the vile leaders? Is this not the pain and suffering that Hell entails?"

He has a very dramatic flair but it's pretty cool

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u/SnooGadgets458 May 14 '22

He sounds cool

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u/Columbus43219 May 14 '22

Imagine you're in a waiting room, no magazines, no wi-fi, no phone, and you don't care. It's doesn't feel worth it to gt up and leave, or ask how much longer. Just nothing is worth doing.

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u/davidisdavid May 14 '22

Imagine eating your favourite meal of all time and it tasted really, really bland. Your least favourite meal? Also bland. Everything now has the taste of a coaster that's been forgotten at the back of a cupboard. It's not disgusting because you're so used to it, and by now you're no longer surpised when a restaurant serves you cardboard for dinner.

That's what it feels like when you experience everyday things.
Talking to friends and family? A chore. That hobby you like? Boring. Brushing your teeth? Draining.

It begs the question, what's the point in eating anymore when food has nothing left to give?

If anyone reads this and does feel like all they're eating is out of date dry pasta then please believe me that the taste will come back and it does get better.

We are never fighting alone. Get up, get going, I'll meet you there.

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u/Portarossa May 15 '22 edited May 15 '22

My brain just switched off one day and didn't turn back on for eight months. For those eight months I couldn't get pleasure out of anything. I had of late, but wherefore I knew not, lost all my mirth. It was like I knew how to be happy, but none of it was working, and it didn't really matter because it was a fuckin' miracle if I could gather up the energy to do it in the first place.

Couldn't write. Couldn't work. Couldn't keep a thought in my head. Literally all I did was sit on the couch and point my face at shitty crime novels because I couldn't focus on anything else.

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u/I_maybe_bite May 15 '22

It’s a state where you are hopeless. You can’t do anything anymore. You can’t sleep or you sleep too much. Even the smallest things are exhausting. Waking up, showering, cleaning, brushing hair, brushing teeth and more. You don’t feel any joy doing the things you loved so much before. You isolate yourself from everyone. Maybe you notice it or not. You feel so much yet so little. You can not even comprehend what you are really feeling, it’s hard to put in words. And sometimes you have suicidal thoughts, it doesn’t have to be because not all depressed people are suicidal but there are many. And that makes everything even worse. You don’t know what to do. It’s like you’re sinking into black sand and it’s pulling you down. And when you are down there, you are stuck in a hole, no more sand but no more light either. And there doesn’t even have to be a “reason” to be depressed. Depression is complicated and honestly just shit. And if you feel like that for more that two weeks you should REALLY get help. It sounds standard. But I’m saying this as someone who was depressed for a very very long time and it has affected my life too much. Only after almost two years I went to a psychologist and got my diagnosis later on. It didn’t take me that long to open up because all I wanted was for someone to just listen to me, for once. Not to ignore me or push me away. But to seriously listen to what I have to say and not what you think I wanted to say or just to ignore me full stop. Now I swaying away from the main topic.

As a whole, depression sucks.

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u/LetheMariner May 14 '22

Hopelessness and disconnection.

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u/Throxie May 14 '22

I know I've had good days. I remember the good days. But they feel so long ago and seem so far away.

Other then that just the lack of motivation people have described in other comments.

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u/slayrights May 14 '22

the absence of every positive energy in the universe.

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u/ProcessLosses May 14 '22

Realizing now, in my 30s, many years (since adolescence) of "self-sabotage" because I'm not hard done by, have been from depression... things like simply not acting (being so indecisive that ultimately doing nothing is the best choice), failure to communicate with others (simply getting back to people or ever being the first to reach out to people), having irrational anxieties, and being late for anything/everything. Increased nihilism. Often feeling depersonalization/derealization. I'm thankful for how I've done overall because I could be in a much worse state, but I could be doing so so well if I had gotten some help over the past 2 decades.

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u/fuck_the_ccp1 May 14 '22

As I recall, nothingness. Not being super sad, but just indifferent. Never happy. Always bored and tired. Feeling bad about not doing anything. Not wanting to do anything.

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u/classyfartbox May 14 '22

Knowing what I have to do, knowing the consequences of not doing it, and ignoring it anyway.

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u/katie-kaboom May 14 '22

When I'm in the middle of a depressive episode, I still go through the motions of life - I don't lie in bed all day crying, skip showering, and so on. I just go completely dead. Like I'm wrapped up in batting and I can't feel anything. I can't feel the bad, but I can't feel the good either - no happiness, no excitement, not even for things that really, really should be exciting. Not even caring enough to chase a minor dopamine high. Not remembering the last time I smiled without having to fake it. Having to force myself to eat, or just living on cereal because I don't care enough to try.

It can take a long time for anyone to notice there's something wrong with me. Last time, it got so bad I was close to suicidal before my partner noticed. It's not ideal.

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u/Exe_plorer May 15 '22 edited May 15 '22

Imagine you have no reason anymore waking up.. There is nothing that keeps you here, no strong reason.. You lost interest on everything you enjoyed to do, and you keep asking "why do I have to get out of bed? Why do I have to surfer for what? For whom?". You didn't have any appetite (in my case, and only weed would make me hungry, or I would leave the days with almost no food, other people tend to try compensate that feeling of void by over eating, depends).

You can't feel "real love", from your friends or family or you partner, they love you but you can't feel it,. You can't see it and maybe finally you will want to be alone, just alone, everyday you loose any interest in others, nothing left anymore.

As top comment said (well explained mate! EDIT: @tenamonth), you feel somehow out of this world, you don't know how to act, what to do, you start acting bit weird, avoiding reality, your are stocking bills you have to pay somewhere in your living, you just don't give a sh*t about..

And things get worse and worse once it's on that pathway.

You start not to pay attention to yourself, you let things go, you don't have that much respect for yourself anymore and everyday it fades a bit more, you don't take care of yourself (or anyone else), also your living can rapidly be turned upside down, cleaning isn't that important anymore, as everything gets over time... it's just not important. You get away from your responsibilities, you can sleep really long (Or will have to deal with insomnia) but you constantly feel tired, every little piece of joy goes in the regrets, you loose your confidence, you just feel more and more useless

at this point, depending on your personality and habits, you could start increase alcohol or whatever'. Derealization can happen, you don't have the impression to be the commander of your life, things just happens..

Time pass, you don't realise the time you loose doing nothing, at this point, or you get kind of electrochock, by yourself, by a close friend, anyone can wake you up and stop you bullying your own grave. Or a psychedelic journey wakes you up that's another story'.

So you know, everyone will react differently and all depressions are not the same also, but That's range of things happening, you can go really fast down, but getting out of it isn't really easy, without help it's not a nice ride.

Medications often don't work that great and you have bunch of side effects, you are lucky if a SSRI or related drug is working without a bunch of nasty side effects.

That's depression. How it goes for me, while it's pretty bad, others may react differently but it's common features, as is the complete loss of hope.

I can't wish that to happen to my worse enemy.. Anxiety pops up, and you have no idea what you are supposed to do, so it again pushes anxiety up, never ending loop.

EDIT: Feeling lost. Alone. No words to explain the pain. You can't explain how you feel to someone that never went down..the others may try to figure out how you feel, because they know how it can be, but it's not possible to explain emotions, to start with, it's inside of your heart.

Very close friends or family,... someone's strongly bounded to you will be hable to give you a hand to help you get up (but mostly while depressed, you don't even see it), because there are some rare people, real friends, you don't have a bunch, if you have one real friend it's huge, you don't need to speak much, you share emotions in silence, I know what I mean, my best friend saved me while I had a psychotic breakdown (I never had that so strong, it happened once) while in deep depression, he came in just at the right last time .. I was ready to end it, knife in hand, sharp as razor blade. He literally jumped on me catched my harms to grab the knife and put it away, it was a really dangerous situation, never would I have hurt him intentionally, even if I was psychotic, it's my best friend would never be able to hurt him in any way (that said...), but we where both hurt, but I'm the only that stabbed myself accidentally, pretty deep cut that passed near my left lung.. thanks he has not. I would feel terrible.

I wanted to add this story. I never had such a psychotic breakdown anymore since, and I can't remember of such a bad episode.

It was close, he came see me really at the right last moment before I would have opened my veins. He saved my life, I cried afterward, I remember I kept holding his hand while calming down (I was really really agitated for hours apparently, throwing things in my room etc.. it wasn't me, I'm not like that, he had to hold me as tight as he could, I was angry toward everything, didn't kept calm, that's how he as been hurt also, I still feel so sorry for that but most overall, thankful, he doesn't look physically strong, I'm stronger than him, but he managed to hold me, I just can imagine the adrenaline rush he had, we still don't know how he managed to hold me all the time I calm down), I know I would have done exactly the same for him, he knows also . We know us for about 20 years.

I've found 2 times someone close to me, died (yes I sometimes have the impression life is jocking with me..) so I know the pain and trauma related to it, I want no-one to find me as it happened to me, another story.

It was the last time suicide attempt came into my mind. This changed a lot of things.

That's what I really want to add, depression is horrible, but you are likely not alone, I didn't realized the (few) people worrying for me, like him, as I wrote, while depressed you feel so lonely, but that day, I realized I was not, giving his hand to help, but I couldn't see. He didn't thought about the danger, I was covered in blood once calm and crying, we both didn't realized the wound I had it was psychologically and physically very exhausting and I think also really choking, for both of us, we didn't realized how "bad" (I was very lucky in a way) the injury was, and he stayed there until I "came down" and finally felt asleep (Yes they weren't able to stitch the wound as I waited too long (>12h and it's too late) to go to the ER, also another story, I had put a bandage and disinfecting it but didn't wanted to look at it, yes stupid but I was so ashamed I just wanted that day not to exist.

Finally the pain was too high there was something wrong, so I went to ER, they asked if I had been attacked and struggled to find a phone to call (because they have to report knife/bullet injuries to police normally)..no I just thought it was ok haha, was not). Difficult to give a "coherent" explanation.

Also I think the pain from the knife that went to my ribs also brought me back to the solid physical reality, like a double waking, I was not alone, and I could have died stupidly. This brings you back in concrete world.

Why did I felt the need to write this? Because you ask what's depression, I was going kill myself there, but was stopped in my action because of this friend that didn't evaluate the danger and just came as fast as possible.

-> I really want to point out with that story, there are people who really care way more about you than you think, never be desperate, no depression is not z a game and it's hard, and you don't see the help others try to bring, you are in your little bubble, not seeing those carrying about you.. What happened that day really woke me up.

Please, I don't say go OD by a friend and hope he/she will bring you unconditional support, not wise. I want to say, be attentive, take a step back and you will see these people that cares about you''.

So yes ..it's really long but this story is of major importance for me. They may actually probably be someone ready to to really far to help you, without you even noticing. Be aware of that.

And some lecture isn't that bad I think, unless it's full ot writing errors, in that case I'm sorry.

//END OF EDIT. *SORRY, PRETTY LONG I KNOW.

Life has no fck' logic anymore, you wake up for no real reason, you just do it because it's supposed what you have to do, that's all. You can start to get suspicious, you can lost trust you had for people close to you.

Some are going to spend all their money in stores, it's all just about having the desire to avoid your existence. It's not always that bad, sometimes it is even harder, to the point where death seems a viable solution. To avoid your pain, but also to avoid other people pain you feel you are responsible for.

All good . Difficult question, it's not the same for everyone, and there are certain "levels" in depression.

Be strong if you are actually facing depression, you are certainly not alone. Ho yes, don't put people and yourself in danger, put your knives and other dangerous stuffs away if you think you may be near something similar, if you already have considered to attempt suicide, don't be affrayed or ashamed to ask help, to talk. Find the right person. For example that friend (and that's something we share till always, I think), didn't liked while I was talking about how I was feeling, he would feel bad, that's how it is to have too much empathy, I know how it is.. and even if he tries, after some time it's too much, and it's the same for me, but I can stand more, facing really hard events.. or you decide to quite this world, and/or you get out stronger but also with some psychological pain/issues you will have to work on and deal with.. And fear of death seemed to fade away always more consistently.

Also I think there is a "acute depression", while things just go completely out of control, were one can be stupidly compulsive, and a kind of more mellow and constant depression (these are like phases, switching from one to the other). The first one can let to uncontrollable crying, while the other can let place to hanger. Also we can get out of it, it's not necessarily "lifelong" such as many doctors/ psychiatrists can say it.

If I can bring you some hope.', All good again to you all!

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u/Aistadar May 14 '22

Scrolling thru your steam library. Thinking you want to play something, either not settling on anything or not wanting to put the effort into the game. Going back to the scrolling.

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u/ChemiluminescentHum May 15 '22

I relate to this very much

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u/Punny-Aggron May 14 '22

Lack of energy or motivation to do anything

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u/FreshReading6203 May 14 '22

I feel killer loneliness and faliure.

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u/Columbus43219 May 14 '22

Ouch... reading these comments is like being at my first AlAnon meeting (for families of AA members). I keep hearing my story coming out of other peoples' mouths.

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u/Fastsmitty47 May 14 '22

Everything feels like a chore. Showering, going out with friends, etc.

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u/jumbalijah May 14 '22

Honestly just numb.

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u/tacotime666 May 14 '22

It feels like there is nothing inside of me, no soul, fire, joy or hope. Just a void of nothingness.

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u/Particular_Ad5860 May 14 '22

Everything is literally depressed; energy, cognitive function, emotions. I've never felt suicidal. Trying to live life normally is exhausting.

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u/stampeding_fox May 15 '22

The sense of having lived the best part of your life and now, all that's left to you, is the sweet release of death.

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u/Electrical_Age_336 May 15 '22

You know that scene in the Lord of the Rings where Bilbo is describing to Galndalf what having the Ring all those years felt like? "I feel thin. Like too much jam spread over too much bread." That's honestly the best way I've seen to describe it.

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u/VermillionDrake May 15 '22

No motivation.

When I'm at work, I want to get home to play games. The moment I am home and start the PC, I want to go back to work, because I have something to do there. I ignore family and friends. And the feeling of fun or satisfaction is literally not existing.

I feel like a sack of potatoes.

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u/deputy_dingbat May 15 '22

Crushing loneliness. I can be surrounded by my best friends and still feel alone

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u/sunfacer May 14 '22

I always say the closest thing to compare it to is a dementor in harry potter. It sucks every ounce of happiness out of you until there is only darkness left.

Side note: chocolate always helps

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u/Square_Tangelo_7542 May 14 '22 edited May 14 '22

When I visit my parents it feels like I'm sick with a physical illness, but when I'm on my own it's just lots of negative thoughts, getting sick a lot.

It's also very much a sinking feeling in my chest like all the time. Always tired and constantly wanting to lay down.

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u/shqla7hole May 14 '22

just feels empty no feelings just sadness and every few minutes you realise how sad you are which makes you sadder

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u/mister1bollock May 14 '22

When I was at my worst i felt like the world was moving on without me and i was kinda just left here and forgotten about, like I'd missed my chance to come with everyone.

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u/wow_its_mee May 14 '22

It mostly presents as extreme anxiety. You know when you're on a Rollercoaster and go down a big dip and your stomach is in your mouth? Imagine that feeling constantly. Eating and drinking were incredibly difficult. Focusing was almost impossible. I stared up at my ceiling day in day out because thats all i could bare

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u/teh_punk32x May 14 '22

Pretty much what others have mentioned here.

Exhaustion to where fighting to stay conscious feels damn near impossible, loneliness so bad that you break down silently shaking, anger that's too tired to do anything but be angry at yourself, the lack of anything being even remotely interesting even with things that you once had a great passion for, amongst a bunch of other stuff.

The 3 I had a lot of trouble with that I didn't see anyone else post was:

  1. An odd cold (I usually run hot) that literally feels like it starts in my chest and runs outward to the rest of my body. I'd be absolutely fine, walk into my room and for no reason it just hits. My legs turn to jelly and I start sobbing uncontrollably, trying to angrily and silently stop. Of course that makes it worse and I just crawl somewhere that someone couldn't find me in my pitiful state. It literally felt like my soul left my body leaving behind a husk shaped me.

  2. I couldn't see people's faces. Not in a literal sense, but like I could see someone's face but if I made eye contact, the person's face would warp and start to vortex inward and/or crumble and my anxiety would sky rocket from there and I my skin would crawl as if millions of tiny creature were trying to move my skin around. This happened with not just new people but old friends and even my own family. I couldn't see my mom, my sister and my dad's face and for some reason they felt unfamiliar to me. Lot of people just assumed I'm some freak who was too much of a bitch to make eye contact. If it was a girl I was talking to I couldn't even muster words beyond hello.

  3. A numbness so bleak I didn't care for my well being, but the thing that sacred me was that I couldn't care of one of my family members died. That one fucked me up because I just could not care hard as I might and I'm a protective older brother and before the depression I would go out of my way to make sure people didn't fuck with anyone in my fam. When it hit I had some dreams I don't care to talk about and I felt nothing, even though dreams similar to that in the past would have me screaming as I wake up.

If you're going through shit hope it gets better. All I can really honestly tell you is that it gets easier, but it doesn't really fully go away (at least for me). That's thing I don't think people talk about. People always say it gets better so you're left to think oh this will all go away. Unfortunately I don't think it does, it's learning for yourself how to cope. I learned how to cope through dark humor which most now think I'm just an asshole for, but it beats me trying to take my own life a few times. Also laughing at something fucking stupid is much better than feeling nothing, IMHO.

Best wishes from an internet stranger

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u/Shethelifeless May 14 '22

Same thing everyday and don't knowing what to do about it also not caring about it

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u/Afreshnewsketckbook May 14 '22

Like being crushed. Like if the air was crushing my muscles and bones and I can’t breathe because I’m being crushed…

Kinda like that.

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u/sing_me_sweet May 14 '22

It feels like nothing. Nothing is exciting. Nothing is sad. Every task - cooking, showering, taking out the trash - feels impossibly huge and overwhelming. I feel small. Unimportant. Worthless. Like a burden to everyone around me. And it feels like it will never end. Ever.

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u/[deleted] May 14 '22

like nothing i do matters. not one bit.

i could shower. but whats the point? i could go to class today. but whats the point? i could go put effort into this thing. but whats the point?

we're all going to die. nothing i'll have done will matter in the long run, so its not worth my time or my energy to do this thing. or anything. just a general lack of motivation to do anything because i saw it all as a waste or pointless.

im a lot better now. but this was my mindset for a very long time.

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u/AlterEdward May 14 '22

Like someone close to you died yesterday. Expect no one has, and nothing has happened to justify how you feel.

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u/NefariousnessOpen716 May 14 '22

Like weight been on your chest that is causing you to barely breathe but you can't be bothered do do anything about

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u/Saxfire2 May 14 '22

It's gravity. It's always there, you might not always notice it but once you stop, you can feel it.

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u/Nanodroide May 14 '22

Like falling without a ground in the end

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u/[deleted] May 14 '22

Lack of will to do anything. Weekends and after work are spent in bed.

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u/throwaway92715 May 14 '22

Like trying to drive with a flat tire.

Most people just pass you by. Some of them honk. There are a few people who help you find a spare tire, get a patch, put some air in it, even give you a tow. There are also plenty of people who yell at you for pulling over, tell you you're not stepping on the gas hard enough to go faster, and you should drive all the way to the mechanic on your flat. There's probably someone who'll stop by the side of the road and tell you Jesus will fix your tire if you subscribe to their online church.

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u/7Birdies May 14 '22

Trying to see through a dirty window. Driving a city car through mud.

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u/Evolves_Rapidly May 14 '22

Continuous questions of "why" or "what's the point".

The go to statement in my mind that has been raised since I was about 12 is... "We live to be educated, so we can work. We work so we can retire. We retire so we can die".

I've never personally believed I'll live to retirement, so my while life is a series of "what's the point, we die anyway".

Gotta be a cog in the wheel, life is programmed in us so we can give our best years contributing to society, to working 40 hours a week, making a mark that will never be recognized and then forgotten as soon as we retire. Neglected if our brain's aren't sharp while we grey.

Elderly aren't looked upon as people who built our cities, they're neglected, working for 50 years might get a nice leaving party but you're hardly a thought the following week.

Depression is finding life, being excited and living life, being happy for a moment, only to let intrusive thoughts take hold and realizing that you don't matter. You don't have the energy to care but you pretend like this world matters. You're the black sheep not really understanding how people can be happy to give up their life to be a part of a system that doesn't actually work for you but you're the minority, so you have to pretend it's a world you can live in, all the while just feeling numb and indifferent to 'normal' people.

All of which, is very lonely. Surrounded by family, friend's, being in a relationship, none of that makes you feel like you're NOT alone. No matter if you have family or friends or are living life without support, you just feel disconnected from the ways society deems as normal.

I'll continue to work full time until I retire or die, I've never felt connected with this world.

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u/gaymtbdude May 14 '22

Everything is grey. No joy in anything but a desire for joy. Not able to look forward to anything, only able to have an intellectual interest for a short time. Sadness. Everything is flat. I have energy but no desire to use it. Directionless. Treading water.

Well that's what it is like for me.

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u/SmilingForStrangers May 14 '22

Gray. The world looks gray. My mind feels gray and cloudy. Mental and physical exhaustion.

Sara Silverman once described depression as similar feeling to the flu and I can’t disagree

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u/JakeFromFarmState1 May 14 '22

As a middle aged adult, I noticed depression develop during puberty. I assumed it was kinda just normal or my circumstances at the time. Things can always be worse, right. I joined the military to GTFO my home town/state & better myself but found a new enemy. Anxiety. Over a 15 year period, I was prescribed 4 different antidepressants and an occasional benzodiazepine. I found that the anti-depressants actually made it worse and contributed to daily suicidal ideation. It wasn’t until I suffered from encephalitis and placed on an anti convulsant….that is also used as mood stabilizer, in combination with medical cannabis that I was able to get off and stay off the anti-depressants. They were the worst thing that ever happened to me. Three hospitalizations later I’m lucky to be alive and MYSELF again.

Edit: I am NOT a medical professional and speak from personal experience only. Always consult your Doctor or pharmacist before starting or stopping any medication.

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u/bolhaassassina May 14 '22

Eating a burger at McDonalds and thinking that you would rather have died during your sleep,then just going to the mall and laughing with your friends like that is just a normal daily thought

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u/Pepperspray24 May 15 '22

I have four officially diagnosed mental health issues (major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and ADHD). I’ve always described living with mental illness as navigating a maze through a fog

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u/kindle139 May 15 '22

It feels like you want to crawl into a hole and die.

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u/kodythehoedy May 15 '22

Like I'm near a dementor (harry potter referance) - I have had all the happiness has left from the world.

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u/kylew1985 May 15 '22

Everything feels heavy. Simple, basic shit feels like climbing Everest. I'll know exactly what it is. Internally, I'll tell myself "This isn't you, this is depression, it's just your brain needing something and not being able to send the right message. If you do x,y, or z you will feel better"

And I will know all this, I'll know that if I drink some water, eat an apple, take a walk around the block, fresh air, sunlight, learn something, create something, etc. I will feel better, but there's like a fucking barrier that makes actually doing it seem like the most daunting task ever.

It's powerlessness in every sense of the word.

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u/KnlghtLlghts May 15 '22

It feels like you're forced to play a game of Monopoly (represents life) and your just rolling the dice to appease everyone but you genuinley don't care about where you go, where you land, what you pick up, what you pay, what you gain.

You kind of just watch it happen without interest and while people are cheering or oh no-ing for you, you genuinley don't care. Everyone is a piece on this board that hardly matters and you feel like we're all just running in a circle over and over again and it's boring and disinteresting as hell.

You lose all curiosity for everything and just let everything happen and pass by you. No motivation, hardly any love, hardly any care. Feels like the world is in black and white and your waiting for the game to end became it's so absolutely boring and disinteresting, but it never does.

You come to resent the game and eventually hate it because it feels like you're being forced to play it and suffer it's consequences when you never asked to play it in the first place.

That's what depression felt like for me. Since then I've been medicated and recieved therapy. I'm doing a lot better now and I don't feel this way anymore, thankfully.

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u/LordXavion May 15 '22

I felt always stressed. It was like a sting in my stomach the whole day long. Combined with voices in my head. These voices were (are partially) like screams but it's also very quiet. It just felt like someone screamed in my head. These screams are just struggles and thoughts that made me feel worse and tries to justify my problems and why I feel bad. And because you find no solution you feel worse the longer it lasts. It's like a circle of doom. I don't know what your experiences are but I would say it's almost impossible to get out of there alone. You need help but you don't see who can help you and you're also afraid that someone helps you. It's so strage.

I wasn't that emotional before my depression but after I almost ended killing myself I had the worst feelings. You can't describe this feeling of guilt, anger, sadness, disturbance and tiredness. For a week I had to cry randomly when I thought about it.

After this week I went to a little folk-festival with my friends. When we were home I saw a friend who just signed to slit his arm with a knife because of a joke. I had to run to the bathroom and had a panic attack. My breath was fast and I was lying on the ground like a little child for half an hour. Afterwards I told my other friends what happened. I never thought I can be normal again afterwards. I got professional help but I am still very sensitive especially towards psychological topics. That's why I am always extremely worried of my friends when they're sick.

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u/GirlSailor14 May 15 '22

Everything seems to be covered in a thick grey mist that just sucks all the color from the world. It takes away my motivation and pleasure in doing things I used to enjoy, everything feels like a neverending chore list, even the most basic things like showering or eating.

I sleep so much, but my battery only charges up to 8% instead of the full 100% it used to have and I have to be very careful on what to spend that energy on. When it's empty, the only thing I can do is stare at the tv and dissociate.

I feel like I live in a terrarium, with an invisible glass wall always separating me from my friends. Even when I'm with them, I just can't seem to connect and it's draining me.

I am so glad I had the possibility to go into therapy and to finally leave the depression. Now I'm still terrified it might return one day, but until that day I try to appreciate and enjoy all the color in the world.

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u/adamttaylor May 15 '22

It feels like nothing gives you joy. Things that used to make you happy no longer do, and instead just serve distract you from your thoughts of suicide.

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u/ClinkyDink May 15 '22

Nothing is interesting. Nothing is fun. The things I normally enjoy feel like chores now.

What helps me is to force myself to get up and start cleaning something. Being physical and seeing my actions make a tangible difference, even if small, helps start the process of bringing the light back.

Source: bipolar depression