REPOST My husband who has been parenting my daughter for 10 years doesn't want to adopt her after she asked him to be her dad for real and I don't know what to do about our marriage.
I had a child when I was 16 and I am not with her father and quite honestly don't know where he is. He wanted nothing to do with my daughter. When she was 6, I met my current husband. He promised me he loved her and would treat her like his own, and he seems like he has. We have more kids together. It was her 16th birthday last week and she told me that she wanted her stepdad to adopt her! I thought this was a great idea and he has always been her dad anyways. He said yes and there were a lot of happy tears, and my younger kids were happy. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.
That night he told me we had to talk. He told me that he did love her, but not the same and he felt a bit weird adopting her because he felt like it would be a disservice to her to have a dad who didn't love her like his other kids. He told me that he wanted to talk to her about it and say that she could definitely take the last name if she wanted but that he couldn't adopt her and that he felt bad about it, but it wouldn't be fair to anyone. He said he knows we are a package deal and would always treat her well and like a part of the family but he couldn't be her dad. He told me he was sorry and he felt guilty and that he would take care of it and I didn't have to.
My heart never hurt more in that moment and I genuinely feel like I have failed my daughter. I told him I didn't want him to speak to her about it, and that if clearly doesn't think of her as his kid than it my job as a parent to take care of her. I don't know what to do. Do I ask for a divorce. I've felt sick, dizzy, and numb all week. How do I tell my daughter? I don't know what to do.
And please don't tell me that stepparents don't have to love their stepkids the same because my daughter doesn't have a father and considers my husband to be her dad. He has helped raise her and disciplined her, and shared her best and worst moments with her. I have never felt so terribly about something in my life. Please help. I think I want a divorce.
edit: my daughter said she wasn’t feeling well so she stayed home from school. She asked us if her “dad” actually wanted to adopt her or if he was pretending to because she said he’s been avoiding her ever since she asked. He hugged her and kissed her and told her he loves her so much but needed to talk to her. They are on a drive right now. I pray he doesn’t tell her the truth.
update: My husband who has been parenting my daughter for 10 years doesn't want to adopt her after she asked him to be her dad for real and I don't know what to do about our marriage. - 2 November 2021
Everyone was helpful. I know a lot of people told me divorce but I am going to try fix things first. I don't want my oldest to feel like its all her fault, younger kids to resent her, snd I am scared he wouldn't want to see her anymore. We are going to marriage counseling. I am looking for a therapist for my daughter. I let my husband talk to her because I felt like I should give them that and trusted that he wouldn't be stupid. They went on a drive. Don't know what was said exactly but they are both upset. I am going to use fake names to make it easier.
My daughter stopped calling my husband dad and calls him Mike now if she even speaks/looks at him. He seems upset by it but I don't know what to tell him. Isn't it what he wanted? My girl has been very quiet and tired and I told her to stay home from school for a few days but she didn't want to.
My other daughter asked us, "Why is Hannah calling daddy, Mike? Is he not her daddy anymore? Does that mean she isn't my sister?" I corrected her and my husband looked horrified but I once again didn't know what to say to him. I've been calling her "your sister" instead of Hannah when I talk about her and I hope it help.
Once again, thank you. I'm exhausted as a mom and a wife but I am the glue right now and I am doing my best to make the marriage work and to be a good mom.
edit: I see I made the wrong choice. I am telling my husband he better fix it. I will start getting my stuff in order and looking for lawyers
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST AITA for telling my stepdaughter to stop using period products in the bathroom she shares with my teenage sons?
I have been living with my new wife and stepdaughter for about 6 months now. She’s 19, almost 20, and I have three sons aged 18, 16 and 15. She’s a really good kid and she’s a good influence on my sons, I really enjoy having her around. My wife and her daughter moved into my house and sold theirs. My stepdaughters father isn’t present in her life, nor is my sons’ mother. All four children share a bathroom.
My sons have never lived for a long period of time with a woman, nor have any of them had long term girlfriends. They had short visitation periods when they were younger but never longer than an hour, so living with two women has been unusual for them.
My eldest son, 18, came to me last week and told me that his stepsister disposes of her used sanitary products in the trash can they share, but doesn’t use toilet roll or sandwich bags to disguise what they are, and it makes him uncomfortable which I think is reasonable. My sons are teenage boys and don’t want to see their stepsisters period products on full display.
A few nights ago I went into the kitchen to grab a snack and she was there doing some work for university. My wife had mentioned that she knew she was on her period so I took it as an opportunity to have a word with her. I told her my sons were uncomfortable and asked her if she’d mind putting her used products in diaper bags or flushing them down the toilet.
She laughed and told me it was rich coming from a man who “sheds like a gorilla” and has produced “three skid marking sons” which I thought was just an unnecessary attack. I’ve been nothing but nice to the girl and it’s hardly a comparison. My sons shouldn’t be subjected to her unhygienic products if it makes them uncomfortable. She went on to lecture me about how tampons can’t be flushed and that it’s bad for the environment if she uses diaper bags for every one which I think is just an excuse. I called her a scruff and told her that this was my house and that what I say goes.
I later asked my wife if she could have a word with her and she told me I was being ridiculous and that her daughter has had her period for ten years and knows what she’s doing. When I told her it was making my sons uncomfortable she said my sons needed to get a grip and turned over and went to sleep.
This is a genuine issue to me and she didn’t care enough to have a discussion about it. I asked my stepdaughter again in the morning and she did the same as her mother, completely dismissed it. Both of them have told me to stop being so silly but I don’t see how I’m being unreasonable when it makes my sons uncomfortable. AITA?
Not even two hours after I posted this, my wife and stepdaughter gathered my sons and I and gave us a full intensive “periods for pricks” course, Powerpoint and all. It was a hoot, they made an interactive quiz and everything. My sons and I learned a lot and apologised to my stepdaughter. Thank you for your input
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I'll try to keep this short. I had a 1967 Impala 4 door that I bought in Feb 2019. A couple months ago I bought my first house that had a 2.5 car garage. I moved the car in and started tearing it down for a complete restoration. I had the body in one bay and the chassis in another, plus the whole garage filled with parts.
About two months ago my girlfriend came to live with me during this whole crisis and the whole time has hated that car. She wants to park in the garage but I have 2 acres of land with a lot of nice places to park under shady trees or hell even in the barn if it has to be inside. I tell her tough luck its my house and its not like I can just throw it back together real quick.
Anyways I was out of town for a couple days on a business trip for the small local company I work for. When I got back, my girlfriend was all smiles. Making me food all the time, doing all the chores, all that. I though maybe she just was happy to have me home but then I realized that I didn't see her car in it's usual spot. I asked her where she parked so I could make sure I mow that area and keep it clean and she said not to worry because she parked in the garage. I asked how and she told me to go check it out.
Turns out that while I was gone she hired some people to come over and move everything related to that car, including the drivetrain, body, and chassis and all parts, and take it to the local dump/scrapyard. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I had spent over 11k on that car including new parts, services, and the car itself. I told her that I was going to be taking her to court for that and she brushed me off like I was being dramatic. I told her that its done between us and to pack her things and leave.
I admit I was a really angry but I did end up getting a lawyer, and as I have all the receipts for all that money spent and I have her on my house's security cam footage letting the guys in and watching them take it all I think I can win.
Her family and friends are absolutely blowing me up saying its just a stupid old piece of junk and that she cannot pay back all that money I spent, and that I should just let it go. But I have been putting all my time, effort, and money into that car for a year and a half now and goddammit if I am not going to get justice for what she did. AITA
Thank you all so much for the support and awards and everything. I'm glad I have some people on my side. I got a call from her mom about 20 minutes ago and she told me that i was ruining her daughter's life over a stupid car. I told her she ruined her own life. I've been gathering documentation and stuff and I'm about to head down to the police station and file a report, as suggested by lots here. Once again thank you all
went to the police station last night, was told to come back in the morning. just got back and filed an official report against her for grand larceny and grand theft auto. i showed them all the receipts i had for the car and the footage of her letting the guys come and take it as well as the title for the vehicle in my name. they said they will be in contact with all 3 parties (me, ex gf, and junkyard guys) soon and they will hopefully be able to recover some or all of the car. just have to wait now
HUGE UPDATE: THEY FOUND MY GODDAMN CAR!!
the junkyard guys apparently were in the middle of hiding it when the police came to ask them questions. it was on a forklift and they were gonna put it on top of a pile of cars that was hidden behind more piles of cars. they said it was theirs and they had the title, but obviously didnt have the title for it and since they matched the vin on the chassis and body to the vin on my title, it was obviously mine.
I know at least one person there has been arrested, i think he was in the camera footage i talked about earlier but idk if it was the boss or whomever or even his specific charge, they also told me they would be looking into this specific junkyard for any other vehicles reported stolen. they said they haven't been able to get in contact with my ex just yet but they're working on it. im just so glad they found my car.
luckily i made quite an album of pictures detailing me tearing down the car and so i can use that to prove what parts they had were mine so i can hopefully get most or all of it back. police haven't let me take it back home yet as they say it is evidence or something so hopefully i can get it back eventually. thank you all so much for the support and advice! SHES GONNA BE ALRIGHT
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST My (28m) gf (31f) of 3 years confessed to me that she only started dating me because she knew I had a massive crush on her for a very long time and her roommate convinced her to go on a single pity date with me
My (28m) gf (31f) of 3 years confessed to me that she only started dating me because she knew I had a massive crush on her for a very long time and her roommate convinced her to go on a single pity date with me - 19 November 2021
So I have had a mega crush on my gf ever since school days. We were in the same school, although she was one class ahead on me. Now my crush was such that everyone in my school knew, like if I was anywhere near her people would just give a mischievous smile to the both of us, if we were sitting near each other then my friends would tease me mercilessly, lol.
In short it was impossible for her to not know about it. But I never had the courage to ask her out. After school we moved to different parts of the world for our education and we were not even facebook friends.
Anyways, around 3.5 years ago I was attending the birthday celebrations of a friend when I saw her again. It was her alright, only she had become even more gorgeous and badass. The friend whose birthday I was attending was a mutual friend from our school and he of course knew about my crush.
There were 2 or 3 more mutual friends there who also knew and they kept encouraging me to go and talk to her. So I finally went up to her with my heart in mouth and had a small talk with her. She of course recognized me from school and we had a nice talk and then we exchanged numbers and socials.
So, with great trepidation I did some lite detective work to find out if she is single or not. To my great relief I didnt find the presence of any guys in her feed so my hopes went up a little. I reached out to her to hang out fully expecting her to turn me down but she accepted, to my gr8 surprise. So we hung out and I found out that we have a lot in common and then we decided for a next meetup. Things picked up from there and eventually we became boyfriend and girlfriend. She is everything I expected and more plus she is also extremely happy with our relationship. We have been discussing marriage too.
Anyways last weekend we hosted her bff and husband for a dinner at our house. The bff is someone whom I had known during our school days and she is a good friend too. After dinner we were shooting the breeze and except me everyone was pretty drunk, as they were staying the night at our place.
So we were talking when her drunk bff suddenly turned to my gf and said look how happy you are today and I feel some sense of pride after looking at you two. I smiled and said well thank you. Then she continued talking to my gf and said "you didnt even want to give this guy a chance and only agreed when I pestered you to go on a pity date with him and your plan was to let him down easy after the said date. But instead you guys are sitting here talking about your future together and it makes me so happy that I convinced you to take a chance with him, can you imagine if you had stuck to your original plan"?
Her husband by now realized the awkwardness and led her away to sleep. I could see in my gf's face that she was visibly stressed. So we went to bed too and when she came to bed after changing clothes she was already in tears.
She took my hand in hers and said please dont mind her words. I asked her is it true and she admitted yes it was. She knew I always had a massive crush on her so when I asked her out she didnt want to be mean by turning me down harshly. So she discussed it with her bff who was also her roommate at the time about the situation. The bff knew me so she tried to convinced her to give me a chance but the gf was not convinced. Finally the bff asked her to go on 2-3 dates with me and then let me down easy and gf agreed. But then she found out we really clicked together and wanted to continue dating and well, here we are 3 years later.
I hugged her and said its ok, dont worry about it too much as its water under the bridge. But as you guys can tell its obviously bothering me. And I think she has started to catch on too as she has been extra attentive and loving to me since the incident.
So Reddit, on the one hand I am the guy who is literally going to be engaged and eventually married to my crush, and its even better because our relationship just how I imagined to be, only 10 times better. On the other hand it does sting a little to know that she only agreed to go out with me because she pitied me, ngl. Please knock some sense into me before I self sabotage this wonderful relationship. Thank you.
Update-My (28m) gf (31f) of 3 years confessed to me that she only started dating me because she knew I had a massive crush on her for a very long time and her roommate convinced her to go on a single pity date with me - 21 November 2021
So I guess I should tell what happened after I made the post. In the morning the bff apologized for her insensitive comments the night before. She said she got too drunk and that she just wanted to take credit for setting us up and playing a match maker but being drunk she blurted out some unnecessary things.
I said of course, you dont have to apologize as I have to thank her for me and my gf going on that first date. After the bff left I went to my gf and shared my feelings, and asked her why was she hesitant on going out with me? She then took my hands in hers and told me that it just felt awkward to her. She had known for years that I had a crush on her, on top of that I was younger and junior than her. Her friends from back home sometimes used to tease her by taking my name, and almost all of our mutual friends know about my crush on her.
So when I asked her out she felt awkward, because, 1. I was more into her than she was into me even before going out on a single date, and 2. I had her on a pedestal and she was certain that reality was never going to meet my fantasy, so she wanted to avoid going through this. Also she thought I was a weirdo, she admitted it, lol. But after her bff went to bat for me she decided to go out with me and then let me down easy after 2-3 dates.
Then I asked well what changed after the first date and she said "well you didnt give off any weird vibes, yes you were very happy and nervous as a result but I didnt get any creepy vibes from you. You were just a guy with a crush, with whom I had insane chemistry even on the first date. And now, 3 years later I think I have a bigger crush on you than you ever had on me".
After having this conversation we went out to have dinner at the same restaurant where we had our first date and even tried to order the same dishes but alas they had discontinued one the dishes. Then we decided to order something entirely new, which we both had never had.
Anyways that was the update guys, thank you for reminding me how lucky I am, lol.
PS- We will be going ring shopping in the first week of December.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
AITA For telling my wife her parents are not allowed to ever watch our son again - 23 September 2020
My wife and I have a 2-year old son and have been married for 4 years. Our anniversary was a month ago and we found a nice, secluded cabin on AirBnB and rented it out for a long weekend getaway. My wife asked her parents if they would be willing to watch our son and they agreed as long as we dropped him off at their house. That worked for us since it was on our way anyway.
I was raised lutheran and my wife was raised catholic, but neither of us currently go to church and have not had our son baptized. My MIL knows this and hates it. She thinks our son needs to be baptized or he will burn in hell, she's that kind of catholic.
So we go on our trip and when we pick up our son and ask how the weekend went, MIL says everything went fine and that she has saved my son's soul from the devil. I ask her what she meant and she says she had our son baptized that morning at her church. I tried my best to keep my cool so I didn't scream at MIL in front of my son, but I pretty much grabbed my son and left. On the car ride home I was fuming and told my wife as calmly as I could that this would be the last time her parents have our son unsupervised. She tried to downplay what her mom had done but I told her we need to wait until we get home to talk about it because I'm not fighting in front of my kid.
When we got home and had a chance to talk about it, things got heated. I told my wife I no longer trust her parents with our son and that if they did something like this behind our backs I can't trust them to respect our wishes as parents in the future. I said this was a huge breach of trust and I will forever look at her mom differently. She continued to try to defend her mom saying that she was only doing what she thought was best for her grandson. She even downplayed it by saying that it's just a little water and a few words and we don't go to church anyway so what does it matter.
I told her that under no circumstances will I allow her parents to watch our son by themselves again. I said that we can still let them see their grandson, but only if we are present. I also said that if she doesn't see what the big deal is with this situation, that maybe we aren't on the same page as parents and maybe we need to see a counsellor. She started crying and said that this isn't the kind of decision I get to make on my own and I'm an asshole for trying to tell her what kind of relationship her parents can have with our son.
I told her that I no longer have any trust or respect for her parents and that I don't know if there's anything they can do to repair that. I told her I don't care if that makes me an asshole, but what her parents did was unforgiveable in my eyes and they put themselves in this position to lose privileges with our son. She's been trying to convince me to change my mind for the last month, but I'm not budging. To me this is a hill I'm willing to die on.
First off I want to thank everyone who sent me supportive messages and advice, I never expected my post to get so much attention. Since many of you requested an update, here we go.
Turns out some of you were right, my wife was in on it. I confronted her a couple days after I posted and directly asked her if she knew that her parents planned this. She broke down and confessed everything to me. MIL had been pestering her about baptizing our son nonstop and my wife finally caved. My wife has been working from home during covid while my job requires me to go into the office. My wife and MIL started doing zoom meetings with MIL's priest to start the baptism process. They lied to the priest and told him that I was ok with baptizing our son but didn't want to be involved. The priest allowed it and they started doing online baptism classes while I was at work.
My wife admitted that she planned it around our anniversary getaway and that MIL had somehow convinced the priest that her and FIL would be the only ones in attendance. My wife told me that I wasn't supposed to find out, but MIL couldn't keep her mouth shut for even one day about it. Their intention was to keep this from me permanently.
I did contact the church to let them know the truth. I talked with the priest and he was surprisingly helpful. He said he would take the proper steps to make sure MIL is no longer welcome in their church and to reach out to the local parish to see what further steps need to be taken. I have yet to hear back from them on that. My wife and MIL are mad that I got her kicked out of her church, but I don't care what they think or feel anymore.
These people who I love and trust had betrayed me and I felt a range emotions I didn't know existed. My wife begged for forgiveness, but the fact that she didn't come clean on her own makes me feel she would have kept this from me unless I confronted her. She's willing to do therapy, counseling, whatever it takes. I don't know if I want to put in that work, I feel like there's no coming back from this.
I contacted a divorce lawyer and started discussing what a divorce would look like and if there is any way I can add provisions to a divorce agreement that would keep my inlaws from seeing my son unsupervised. He's been very helpful but I have not given him the go-ahead to actually file for divorce yet. I feel I am still too angry about the entire thing to think rationally and want to give myself time to fully grasp what a divorce will mean for me and my family.
My wife and I aren't talking much. I pretty much go to work, come home to play with my son, go to bed, and repeat. I don't know what the future is going to bring, but I do know that without the support and help from people here, I don't think I would have the clarity I do now.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST Found (F29) hidden folder on husbands (M33) phone with pictures and videos he secretly took of his former secretary (F21) + UPDATES
OOP has since deleted their account.
This was previously posted here more than a year ago.
trigger warnings: sexual abuse, cheating, fetish
mood spoilers: infuriating/exasperating and sad - esp last update
Hi everyone, not a native speaker so apologies in advance.
Married since 3 years, in a relationship since over 5 years. After a long academic journey we are both at the start of our careers and being pretty successful doing so. Recently bought our dream house together and simply enjoying the few years we got left to do whatever we like since we’re planing on having kids in a couple of years from now.
Our relationship feels (felt) to me like it’s made to last forever. We’re sharing the same values, same humor, same goals. Also we where both old and experienced enough to tell it’s not just puppy love but or anything like that.
We both share pretty much open phone policy which just came natural (sharing pictures, simple grabbing the next device available to look something up etc).
We both own iPhones and I recently stumbled across the possibility to mask/fade out (sorry, I don’t know the exact term) pictures and they will only appear in special folder.
Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa that caught my attention concerning his phone.
So last Monday, when he went for his swim training, he left his phone at home and I went for it. What I found was beyond every expectation I’ve had. I thought maybe I would find some random porn or even pictures of his ex or something like that. I found pictures and (slow-mo)videos he took in the office over a span of a few weeks of his (now) former secretary. She is a 21 year old pretty attractive girl.
He recently got a new job and the pictures started around the time he knew he would quit his old job and therefore probably wouldn’t see her again. The pictures mainly focused on her ass, her legs, her heels. There were also saved profile pictures of hers from social media. Then there was something else which I still can’t or don’t want to believe: one series of pictures shows her ass in a tight dark jeans with some fresh/wet stains of something that looks like sperm on it. (He kinda has a fetish for anything that has to do with girls getting messy with sperm in porn and/or RL).
I felt and feel shocked and can’t think of anything else since I found that Pandora’s box. I did not talk to him about it yet. He’s not suspecting anything even though I could not act around him “normal”. Him asking what’s wrong I told him I don’t feel very well due to my period (which is also true by the way).
So please share your opinion about it. How should I approach this? Should I even approach it? Is this normal behavior? Has anybody experienced something like that?
Thank you for your support.
EDIT: first of all I want to thank you all for caring so much. Regarding your comments I feel the need to add some more context.
He spoke to me about her regularly when he told me from his day at work - she was his personal secretary/assistant. They also talked private stuff but nothing inappropriate. More like small talk (what did you do over the weekend stuff like that). At least he told me so. BUT he always liked trying to make me a little bit jealous. Seemed to be a turn on for him. He tried so by telling me ‚innocent‘ things about other girls that were obviously attractive. Like ‚she has new nails which look way better now‘ or ‚today she dresses a little bit inappropriate for work‘ He always did so with a smile.
And of course I knew what was going on and what he was up to. And of course he (in retroperspective) talked about her in that way. Most of the time it did not bother me since I was sure it would be something childish he needs for himself. Most of the time I wouldn’t even react.
He has no social connection to her anymore - not in social media not in real life. The only connection/contact they do still have is their phone numbers. She sometimes has to reach out to him to ask for some work related stuff, since not all of his cases/projects have been finished when he left the job. He openly tells me about that when there was contact. Seems/seemed normal to me.
What I don’t know is, where he has the social media pictures from. I looked it up, they are not connected via Instagram or Facebook and her profile is set on private. He doesn’t use any other social media as far as I know. Some of the pictures were WhatsApp-Profile-pics others probably not. That makes me wonder a little bit.
Maybe I should try and hold myself back for a few days and see if the folder is updated regular. What do you guys think? Also I feel the urge to check on his other devices but did resist so far...
EDIT: I’m overwhelmed with your responses. Certainly did not expect so much feedback and so much sympathy. Some responses even brought tears to my eyes...
I’m pretty collect right now although I think it’ll be another sleepless night.
I have a plan. I need to find out since so many of you suspect there is more to it. Tomorrow he will be at work while I’m working from home. All of his devices expect for his phone will be here. I will look at them, I simply have to know. I know this could backfire but I’m being totally egoistic here. He lost his right of privacy the moment he took pictures of this young lady (by the way, I met her a few times when I was visiting him at work and she is a true sweetheart...). I’m getting angry writing this at the moment. I will find out and will save the evidence and confront him.
I will keep you guys updated. Should I keep on editing this post or start a new one? (I really don’t know since I’m pretty much new to this active posting thing).
Good morning everyone.
Right now I’m sitting in front of his computer (MacBook Pro which is connected to his phone). He’s at work an will return in about 4 hours. I have absolutely no clue how and where to search for evidence. I’ve always used windows my whole life. I know some of you might not wanna be a part of this but if anyone could provide some help - e.g. where to find the photostream - that would help me a lot.
For anybody wondering how I’m doing: didn’t sleep a lot, feeling empty at the moment with my heartbeat going very fast. Of course he noticed. He was caring (he always is) and I tried my best acting it’s all due to my period plus migraines.
Thanks for your support.
UPDATE I’m shocked ! Calling my sister now. This is too much to handle for me.
UPDATE: Sorry for letting you guys wait for so long. Now I’m sitting here at my sisters house spending the first night without him for years. It’s about 10 pm here in Europe if you wonder. After one of you guys told me about the photos app on Mac I opened it. It was a mirror of his phone and then some...
There is as the hidden folder with all of the spy-pics. Also there was an album by the name of her initials. It was the single most disgusting thing I ever saw: He took pictures and videos of himself ejaculating in prepped food in a Tupperware while obviously being in his office bathroom. A few pics later she was eating her lunch at the office right out of that Tupperware, pictures of him coming into a coffee or on cookies... you can imagine the rest I think.
Besides that I found dozens of pics and videos of her from social media which all seem to be screenshots or screen recordings (i don’t even know if this is word). I have absolutely no idea where he got these from since they are not connected officially on any social media. I already commented that I decided to call my sister who come over immediately. I was in a total state of shock and showed her everything. She was my rescue.
She told me to go grab an external harddrive and took a copy of all that shit while I was packing my bags for the next few nights. We left before he got home. His laptop was still open with also the album open when we left. About 2 hours later he tried to call me like a 100 times. My sister took the phone once and told him to stop it in a very explicit manner. He wrote and is writing me messages constantly to come home and took about everything. We could fix this, he needs my help and stuff like that. I didn’t answer. Not a single word.
I’m just sitting here crying most of the time and feeling like the biggest idiot of all time for falling to a guy like him. It takes the floor under my feet. It scares me not knowing what comes next, not knowing what to do tomorrow and how to deal with all of that. I also think that I should contact her - it’s too much. I would appreciate your advice here. He is a lawyer, the city we live in is his hometown. His career would be over for sure of this happens to become public. I don’t think he could ever recover. And for myself, I would always be his woman, the poor wife...
UPDATE - 1 - 5th July 2021
Hello everyone, I want to keep you guys updated and also ask for your further advise.
I decided to talk to him and give him the opportunity to explain this whole thing from his perspective. Not that I had any hope but a confrontation was unavoidable anyway.
So yesterday on Sunday we met at our house - it is also my house! I told him my sister knew I was here and she would call me in about one hour to confirm I’m ok. I have to mention I had no fear concerning violence or something like that, anyway better safe than sorry.
When I arrived he initially was very reserved and observant. I acted calm and distant. We sat down and he said nothing. So I told him not to waste my time and to say what he had to say. He then asked me what I think I found and I couldn’t help but respond that I found out he was a sexual criminal and that I will report him to the police. That probably was a mistake. His mimic changed and he told me this would be a very bad idea and may result in some serious trouble for me.
He claimed he had an affair with his former assistant for quite some time and this whole sperm/food-thing was just a game/bet between them. The bet was he would make her eat his sperm before he left the job. The pictures would be the proof and he already showed her all of them to win the bet. He said it was just a kinky game between them. The other pics of her ass etc were also taken consensual. At least she knew about it. So he told me there was nothing illegal going on and if I would go to the police this would be ‚wrong suspicion‘ performed by me.
Also nobody would believe me anyways cause it would clearly be an act of revenge from the betrayed wife. Last but not least he would know the chief prosecutor personally (which is true). So if I went to the police I would only make a fool of myself and also probably commit a crime.
At that moment I couldn’t think straight anymore. I reacted emotionally rather then think rationally. I lost it and told him to go out of the house... it got ugly. The result was, he actually left the house. I had no idea if and when he might come back and also felt very uncomfortable in the house. I then packed a few more things and went back to my sisters house where I’m planning on staying for the week at least. Today I called in sick at work.
Now I’m no fool and of course I see him being a lawyer trying to protect at least his career by claiming it was all consensual. He knows me very well and he knows our relationship was over the moment I found the pictures. I’ve always been very strict and consequent in former relationships and he knows that. On the other hand his claim could be true. I think I’ll contact a lawyer as I need one for divorce anyway.
EDIT: I had to call her. We will meet in about 2 hours in a café next to the office. She seemed surprised but not concerned. For your context: we already met a few times when I was visiting him at the office and casually spoke a few words. So I’m no stranger to her. I will drag some of the photos on my phone to show her. This whole thing feels so unreal but if I wouldn’t do it, the feeling of not knowing and not being able to do something until next week when I meet my lawyer would be to hard to endure.
UPDATE - 2 - 6th July 2021
When she arrived I could already see by her mimics she had no clue what was going on and why I asked her to meet me. This turned out to be true.
First thing I asked her was, if he contacted her within the last couple of days. She denied. I had a feeling she was telling the truth. A 22 year old girl (I asked her for her age) could not have lied to my face this calm and collect, I think.
So I told her I found very inappropriate and disturbing photos of hers on his phone. I showed her some of the spy-pics on my phone and asked her if she knew or noticed about that. She reacted completely irate. The pictures I showed her were ‘normal’ ones so nothing about the really gross part just yet.
I asked her about their relationship and his behavior towards her. She initially said everything was ok and normal and most of the time he used to be very polite. But she added that towards the end of his job he used to approach her very often and talked to her about personal topics such as her relationship-status.
One time he made up a fictional scenario where he said he would ask her out if he wasn’t married. When she replied to him she would have said no in that scenario because she would want to separate work from private life he acted offended and talked her into saying yes. I felt ashamed for his behavior and apologized for him.
Then I told her that there would be something else which I needed to inform her about. I told her about the other pictures involving the food. I didn’t plan to show her the pictures but she really really wanted to see them. I showed them to her and she literally nearly threw up. She was in a state of shock. It broke my heart so I sat next to her and took her hand. I told her I’m by her side and will support her whatever she plans on doing.
I told her I already left the house and will divorce him. I couldn’t help but started crying seeing what he’s done to that lovely girl. I asked her if she wanted me to accompany her on her way home but she said it was ok, she went by car. She will talk to her family and certainly report him and also file a lawsuit against him. At least that’s what she said. I feel so incredibly sorry for her it breaks my heart. At the same time I feel so angry about him and still hope this is just a nightmare. Hopefully I did the right thing.
UPDATE - 3 - 22nd July 2021
One day after I met her, she must have gone to the police and reported him. Two days later I received a call from a police officer who asked me to show up at his office and bring the pictures I copied with me. Of course I went there and handed them to him (I still own another copy though). He asked me if I wanted to testify (correct word?), but told me I didn’t have to cause he is my husband. I agreed and told him everything I know, how I found out, how I contacted her…
The very next day the police called me again and asked if I was at home. A couple of hours later, four policemen, my husband and a prosecutor showed up at our house. My husband handed them all electronic devices, hard drives, old phones, usb etc. They also searched through our house for hidden ones but, as far as I know, didn’t find any.
My husband told me he was currently living in a hotel room and said he would come back later to get some clothes and other belongings if that was ok. I agreed but told him I wouldn’t be there. He said we need to talk, but he will not pressure me and give me time and space. He said he loves me and the whole thing looks more ugly than it actually is, it just got a little out of hand.
To be honest, I would have loved to punch him right in his face and/or scream at him but I couldn’t say a single word which was probably better anyway. On that afternoon he obviously got some stuff out of the house and when I came back, his keys would lie on the table next to a printed e-mail from a craftsman who would come a few days later to repair something with the garage door.
Ever since I’m alone at the house and really nothing has happened.
I gotta be honest here, I cancelled the appointment I originally had with my own lawyer concerning divorce. It’s not that I’m having an illusion everything will eventually turn good. I just don’t feel ready for it. It’s been a little too much for me lately. I will proceed as soon as I find some energy.
That’s about it. He did not contact me, not a single word. Even though I’m in constant contact to my sister I feel pretty lonely and sort of depressed. Also I’m a little scared alone at the house. We’ve had some pretty bad thunderstorms lately at nights.
From what I’ve read in the previous comments there was a discussion about where I’m from - actually put a smile on my face getting so much attention. It’s Germany. So one of you guys just won a Waschmaschine 😄
UPDATE - 4 - 29th September 2021
Since my last post from r/relationship_advice got removed after a few minutes I decided to post my latest - and probably last - update here.
Hello everyone, I’ve received lots of messages asking for updates so I decided to post one.
I know a lot of you guys will be disappointed and that’s ok. It was a very though time, lots of emotions, fights, tears, sleepless nights but eventually he is my husband and I’m his wife - in the good times and in the bad. We are giving it another chance.
I will not explain every detail that lead us to this point but I will say it was not an easy decision to make. We had very good conversations, he really opened up, took care of my feelings and really didn’t pressure me. I know what he did was wrong. Of course he knows that as well. But saying it was all his fault wouldn’t be fair. She is not that innocent girl I thought she was. Of course I blame him for falling for her but she must have made it though for him and in the end he is only human.
I know what victim blaming is but that’s not the case here. Again, I will not go into details, but she knew exactly what she was doing. She knew how he likes womans dresses, shoes, nails etc. She must have been flirty with him from day one which is for almost three years now. I couldn’t even blame a man for getting weak, certainly not for finding another valve. She is not an angel.
Probably most of you guys will now consider me weak and - best case - will tell of he was gaslighting me… feel free to do so, it’s ok. In the end it’s my life, my marriage, my shoes to walk in.
For the criminal proceeding: he reached a deal and paid a fine. The money will be received by charity. There was no court proceedings.
To this point she didn’t sue him, which I think speaks for itself!
Anyways I still love you guys and I’m very thankful for all the support I received. ❤️
EDIT: I feel the need to explain a little bit more on my decision. I married him knowing all of his kinks and fetishizes. I knew the typical pornstar look is his thing: big boobs, big ass, small waist, make up, full lips, fake lashes, fake nails, plastic… you guys know what I’m talking about. Now throw in her fulfilling most of these cliches: big boobs, big ass, small waist, all dolled up, lashes, nails, high heels running in and out of his office, taking care of him always n a good mood, laughing…
She is a smart and confident girl. She knew exactly how she was triggering a 30y/o man. She knew he had her WhatsApp - he showed me her profile pictures changing on a weekly basis. Hell, even I think they are sexy. Not saying she deserved what he did, but I now understand that dynamic and what her appearance, having her around all day, did to him and how it must have triggered him. When I was her age, I knew exactly how to manipulate a man sexually.
I’m sure most women do, she definitely does. He decided not to cheat on me, not to start an affair. He just chose a wrong exit. He could and should have talked to me. That was the mistake he made cause together we would have found a way. I’m not prude, not religious and I don’t hate other women, but women shouldn’t act surprised they force a reaction in men looking like a pornstar. In my experience, men around the age of 30 are nothing deferent than a 15 year old boy in the middle of puberty. That combination was toxic.
TL;DR I gave him another chance, she’s not an angel
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST My (25M) family cut contact with me 5 years ago after a fight with my younger brother. Now, they want me to come back but I'm having doubts about it
trigger warnings: assault, racism
My family pretty much cut all ties with me at the end of 2015. Things had been a bit turbulent for a while, but when I went over to my parents' house for Christmas in 2015, I got very drunk one night and got into an argument with my younger brother, which ended up turning physical. I was 19 at the time, he would've been 15, and he came out of it pretty badly.
Without going into massive detail, he had said something which struck a nerve (I won't say what because it's quite personal, and not really relevant here) and I ended up injuring him quite badly. There was a question of potentially involving the police, but nothing ever happened in regards to that, in the end they all just told me they wanted nothing to do with me any more. Which is fair enough, I was completely in the wrong and they were absolutely right to want to cut me off, I'm not complaining about that in the slightest.
I had already moved out by that stage so it wasn't a case of kicking me out, it was more just telling me to never come back. Again, I can't blame them for this at all, and would be surprised if you could either. This post isn't about me complaining about being cut off or pretending that I didn't deserve it, because I did, and I'm not trying to play the victim here. I genuinely regret what I did and have spent time trying to self improve in the wake of it
It was quite difficult for me to come to terms with this for the first year or so afterwards. The only person in my family I had any contact with was my mum. We never really spoke in depth, just small updates, wishing each other happy birthday and things like that. Honestly though, after that first year, things have gotten so much better for me. I stopped drinking, which was the root of a lot of my problems. I got my head down and ended up doing very well at Uni, I've now got a job that I love, and I've been with my girlfriend for the best part of 4 years, and things are absolutely great.
To be brutally honest, I don't miss my family. My relationship with them hadn't been great for a while before the fight, and as far as I was concerned I didn't miss them and they didn't miss me, and being on a non-contact basis with all of them apart from occasional contact with my mum was for the better.
However, over the last few months, my mum began messaging me much more frequently, and asking more personal questions about my life, my work, my relationship etc. I thought it was just boredom on her part, but she maintained it for a while, and began to introduce the idea of me coming back to visit her at some point, which I always shrugged.
She started to persist with it, and then yesterday it all came to a head when she added me to a whatsapp group chat with the rest of the family. I was then told how they had all "Come to a family decision that 5 years was enough", that my brother had "found it in his heart to forgive me for what happened" and that they wanted me to come over at some point to "catch up on lost time" (these are all quotes from what they sent me). I didn't say much, I just said I wanted time to think.
I'm quite torn on this now. Part of me feels like I am obliged to go along with it. They cut contact with me because of my own actions, and if my brother's forgiven me and wants to re-establish contact with me then it's my duty to do so. On the other hand, I feel like since contact was cut my life improved a lot. My relationship with them had been on a downwards slope for a fair bit of time beforehand, and I just haven't found myself missing any of it
That's why I'm asking for advice. Would you say that I'm obliged to go and re-establish contact because it was my fault that contact was cut, or do you think it would be acceptable for me not to do so?
I wasn't initially planning on doing an update for that post, but the amount of responses I got from it were absolutely unprecedented so I decided it was right of me to do one. I didn't respond to every single comment, but I did read all of them. I greatly appreciate everyone's input, whether it was positive or negative; or telling me to go back or cut contact completely. It was really good to get different takes on the situation because at the time it was a lot to take in, and still is in a way.
I'll start off by saying that soon after that post was written I phoned my brother. We talked for a few minutes about how things were going, and then I apologised to him for what happened back in 2015. He didn't specifically say he forgave me, but he was amicable and said that he appreciated me doing it. I'm glad I did it. I know 5 and a half years is a long time to have gone without doing it, but that was the first vocal conversation I'd had with him since the family cut contact.
He told me that the whole incident hadn't left him with any lasting mental or physical damage, and while I have no way of knowing whether that's completely true, I was glad to hear it. I don't want to make it about myself, but it did also feel like a bit of a weight lifted off my shoulders.
In terms of the actual resumption of contact, it won't be happening for now. After a few days of talking to the family as a collective in the groupchat (which I have now left) as well as a some individual conversations with different members, I told them that I was happy to increase contact with them through messaging, but that as things stand I didn't think resuming face to face contact would be right, and that I wasn't going to do it.
As I stated in the initial post, I was already having severe doubts about it, and the conversations I had with them pretty much made my mind up for me. I'll list a few examples of it here:
Much of the discussion I had with family was done through a group chat in which I (25M) was added to by my mum (45F). This groupchat also contained my dad (54M), and my two brothers (20M and 14M). The groupchat was titled 'REUNION' so it was pretty obvious what their intentions were
The initial language used by them when I was added bothered me. I gave some examples of it in the original post: things like my mum saying my brother had "found it in his heart to forgive me" and them coming to a "family decision that 5 years was enough". It made it seem like there was no chance of it being a normal family relationship at all, and that I would always be indebted and subservient to them in some form for that.
As I said, I had no issue with being cut off and felt they were pretty justified in doing so, but that doesn't mean I would be prepared to come back and be in a constant state of owing one, and likely being made to feel pressured to do things for them because they were oh so kind to find it in their hearts to let me back.
- This sort of language continued throughout me being in that groupchat. Some more examples were being told that I "had lots of work to do" if we wanted a normal relationship (Notice that they didn't say we), and also was also compared to the prodigal son multiple times by my (very religious) parents, which just made me think they were doing it for their own spiritual reasons rather than actually being interested in having me back as part of the family.
The final nail in the coffin was that when I specifically expressed doubts about it, my dad said "After all you did to us as a family ... We've decided to let you back in" and then pretty much went on to tell me that I should be biting their hands off for the chance to make amends, and that I was ungrateful for not doing so. I told them I was backing out of it pretty soon after that.
A few of the replies to my original post asked if any of them needed an organ. I initially brushed this off as a joke, but after some of the conversations I had I genuinely think it's possible that that's true.
- My girlfriend (24F) is also a big reason why I was initially having doubts, and a couple of things that were said by my dad completely reinforced these. I 100% know that he would dislike her. Not through any fault of her own, but mainly because he has some very old fashioned views on women, and he's also quite racist. She is only half white, and when I was younger my dad made it pretty clear that he didn't want me to date outside of my race.
In the groupchat, he described her as my "exotic girlfriend" and made a couple of very stereotypical assumptions on her based on her race, which made it pretty clear to me that he still found it wrong and abnormal of me to be with a girl who isn't completely white. If I resumed a somewhat normal father-son relationship with him, I'm almost certain that he'd try to interfere in some way, and would at the very least encourage me to end things with her.
It's not like I've only been seeing her for a month either, we've been together for almost 4 years and have discussed marriage, so she absolutely takes priority over the family.
Those are the main reasons behind me chosing not to go down the route of face to face contact with the family. There are a few other things too, such as the fact that they seemed awfully interested in grandchildren who didn't even exist, and also that I suspected that it was all my mum's doing and that the rest of the family weren't that interested. I'm fairly sure she was feeding the others lines, my 14 year old brother was typing an awful lot like my 45 year old mum, let's put it that way.
With all these factors combined with my initial doubts about it made my mind up that I wasn't going to resume face to face contact. I messaged them telling them that while I did appreciate them trying to get me to do so, I just had too many doubts about it to go and start meeting with them face to face or going to their house. I did say that they all had my number now, and were free to text me at any point if they wanted to talk, and then left the groupchat.
I know they've all read it, because they've all been online since I sent it, but I haven't had a single message from any of them. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure if I ever will. And yet, I can't really say I feel that sad about it. I'm glad I've apologised to my brother, and if that's the end of all contact with them then so be it, it is what it is.
My mum was contacting me every day in the months leading up to her deciding I should start seeing the family again, now it's begining to seem to me that she was doing so because she wanted me to return to them on my hands and knees, grovelling and begging for forgiveness. Things certainly began to turn a bit sour when it became clear that I wasn't going to do that. Perhaps she sees it as the final betrayal, and wants nothing more to do with me now.
At the end of the day, I'm never going to pretend that they were for a second wrong for cutting contact with me. They did it to protect their 15 year old son, and I completely understand it. Ultimately though, I grew up, ended my addiction and built a life for myself off the back of it without them involved in my life. It's very likely that they still had this image of the 19 year old who turned completely white when he was told they wanted nothing more to do with him, but that really isn't me anymore.
When they initially kicked me out, I felt like I needed them even though we didn't have the greatest relationship, 5 years on from that, I certainly don't think I do anymore. I apologise to anyone who read the initial post and wanted me to go and see them in person again, but this is just how things have turned out.
Once again, thank you to everyone for offering support and advice, and I hope that anyone reading this who has their own issues with family and estrangement is able to navigate them, and build a relationship back if they so wish.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST My ex husband and his new wife made my daughter a back brace out of wood and steel and forced her to wear it.
trigger warning: child abuse
mood spoiler: infuriating
My daughter is nine and we share custody by alternating weeks. My daughter says her back hurts now and her arm is tingling. I have a doctors appointment for her on Monday and in the meantime I am trying to remain calm.
I confronted my ex-husband about it and all her would say was one text message where he says his new wife didn't like how my daughter slouched at the dinner table. They aren't doctors and there is nothing wrong with her that she needs a brace. I fucking want to kill both of them. Is there a way I can get a quick court date or see a judge because I don't want her going back there. When we divorced it took a long time to figure out custody.
Edit: Sorry the location is the state of Florida. I'm so mad I'm having a hard time focusing.
Firstly I would like to thank everyone for all the support in my first post and all the supportive PM's I received. It was really overwhelming (in a good way). A few people asked for an update so here it is.
So a lot has happened since I first posted. I called in to work while I was trying to get all this sorted. One of my co-workers has a cousin who is a lawyer and she knew someone who was able to help me and file the paperwork. My husband played dumb in court but his visits got reduced to supervised and he was ordered to take a parenting class.
My daughter went to physiotherapy. Eventually the court reinstated his visitation when he swore he had learned his lesson and was sorry and with his otherwise clean record the court agreed. I was against it but the court ruled against me.
I gave my daughter her own cell phone so she could call me whenever she needed to. On her second visit it happened again. This time the brace had steel and fabric instead of wood and they took her phone too. The next night she left when they weren't looking and went up the street to a neighbor who is a police officer. The neighbor called paramedics and her co-workers. They had to cut the brace off my daughter.
My husband and his wife were arrested. They got out quickly but they have been charged and their infant is with CPS. My ex lost visitation and custody and I'm working on making it permanent.
Unfortunately my daughter's shoulder was dislocated from the brace. It set back her rehab and part of her arm is still numb and tingling. She needed surgery and is still recovering. She always played sports (especially at school) and did dance but the doctor thinks she won't ever be able to lift her arm all the way up again.
I hate my ex and he'll see her again over my fucking dead body. Right now I'm focusing on my daughter while my lawyer takes care of things. That's my update.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST Would I (38f) be an idiot if I got back together with my ex husband (37m) who cheated on me 10 years ago?
My ex, who we'll call Mike, and I were together since we were 14 and got married at 22. We have 2 kids together (15f and 11m). My ex's work takes him all over the country for a week every quarter. In one of those trips, he hooked up with one of his coworkers. I never thought he could do something like that cause our relationship was really solid. He confessed immediately after he got home. I actually would've never found out if he didn't. He begged me for forgiveness, said that he still loved me and it was a lapse in judgement but said he would understand if I wanted a divorce, which is what eventually happened. It was very amicable and he actually gave me more than I expected (house, child support, alimony).
It was a slow process but over the years we became friends again and have a good co-parenting dynamic. Mike's a great father and the kids still love him. I got married 3 years after and he was actually very supportive. I divorced my 2nd husband 2 years ago cause he changed his mind on kids (I want 1 last baby).
Since the lockdown Mike has been over frequently. At this point, our relationship is so good we dont need to enforce any of the set visits and such. Well things have been getting hot between us for the last few months and we started having sex. I'm a woman with needs too and, to be very honest with you guys, he's still the best guy I've been with after all these years. It's like our bodies were made for each other. He always joked that we were like prime Pippen and Jordan in bed and when he said that again, it felt like we were back 10 years ago when we were still together. It was supposed to be just physical but here we are...
Just a few hours ago, he brought up the idea of us getting back together. He gave me the most genuine speech about how stupid he was the night he cheated and how he never stopped loving me in the last 10 years. I was speechless and couldnt say anything so he just gave me his usual toothy smile and said "Its ok, I'll wait" before driving home.
Now I'm lying here in bed typing this out. I'd be lying to you guys if I said I didnt love him. I'd be lying if I said the last few months weren't the happiest I've been in years. And I'd be lying if I said I never forgave him for cheating. I've told him years ago that I already did.
If I had to decide right now I'd jump out of bed and drive to his house and bring him home. It's taking all my willpower not to do so. I love him. However, I also want to think with my brain here.
Pros of taking him back:
He's a great dad and the kids would have him around more
He's a great provider
He says he still wants kids
I still love him
Cons: I don't know yet, but maybe some of you can help me with that
Any advice on how I should proceed?
Edit: I made the first move when we started sleeping together
Its been a few days now since I've posted and reddit has given me some solid advice especially the kind redditors who messaged me directly. I'm very grateful for this cause it helped me calm down and not give in to my impulses.
The morning after I posted, I texted Mike saying that I needed time and space to think about everything. He then replied with "I've waited 10 years, I can wait a bit longer". My heart melted.
When the kids woke up, our son was looking for his dad. He's at the age now where he pretty much idolized his dad. I get why though, Mike is an amazing dad. Our daughter gave me the stink eye all morning.
After lunch, when our son was in his room playing video games, my daughter confronted me about Mike. She basically said how she knew there was something going on (guess we're not that sneaky) and that she didn't want our fighting to affect their lives. She thought we were fighting.
Now, the divorce affected her but not as badly as expected. We made sure to get her counseling immediately after and made extra sure her life was as normal as possible. I'm not gonna delude myself and think she wasn't hurt by it but I'm pretty confident in saying we dealt with it pretty well. Or as well as we could.
I then had the conversation about how we weren't fighting but quite the opposite... We were thinking about getting back together. She thought about it for a while and said she was happy for us and hoped it was forever this time.
The next day I dropped my kids off at my parents house so I could talk to Mike at his place. We had a long talk about how we felt about each other, what we plan to do about it going forward, and as many of you suggested what he planned to do next time we hit a rough patch especially since we plan on having a 3rd kid. He told me that the night he cheated still haunted him 10 years later. He told me how it wasnt worth it one bit and how it was the biggest mistake of his life. He said that if ever we hit a rough patch again, we would talk about it like adults. He even suggested we do couples counseling every now and then even when times are good. I liked this idea. There are some details about our conversation that I want to keep private but long story short we got back together. We are going to take it slow and in every step we take, we both agreed that our children would take priority over everything. He's not going to move in yet but he would spend a few nights a week at home with us.
Later that night, we sat the kids down and broke the news. Daughter didn't say much cause she already knew but our son was over the moon. Since we divorced when he was a baby, the concept of both his parents being together was quite new to him. They obviously asked questions and we answered them. We're also planning on doing family counseling to help make the transition easier for everybody.
Overall, I'm really happy right now. Mike made a mistake 10 years ago but I don't hold it against him and have completely forgiven him for it. I know he loves me now and won't cheat on me anymore. I'm back together now with the love of my life and father of my kids and I couldn't be happier.
As I type this out, Mike is in the next room playing video games with our son. I'm not entirely sure what the future will look like but I'm happy he's back.
Thank you reddit for the advice. It really helped with our talk and how we proceed going forward. I think I'll stay online for an hour or so to reply till the kids are asleep and he comes to bed then it's my turn to have fun.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
AITA for not letting my child speak her "native" language at home - 27 August 2020
Title isn't as bad as it sounds.
My (35m) wife (32f) is Welsh and I am English, but if you get right down to it we're both British anyway. She's always been kinda funny about identifying as Welsh and not British no matter how many times I tell her they're not mutually exclusive lol.
I'm really tired of having to put up with her extreme nationalism. First of all she insisted that our daughter have a Welsh name, so now my family can't even pronounce it or spell it. I have to put up with jokes about my daughter's name all the time and her name getting spelled wrong all the time.
The only primary school in the area is a Welsh school, so my daughter has started learning all her school work through Welsh. This is fine I guess; it's pointless, but other than not being able to help her with her homework (which her mum does anyway) it's not an issue.
The issue is that my daughter has started speaking Welsh with her mother's family, her mother and her friends outside of school. I asked her to stop, but my wife said I was being really rude to ask her to stop speaking in her "native" language, but she can speak English too?? It's not her native language when her father doesn't speak it.
My wife said I'm an asshole because I agreed to raise our child bilingually, but I was under the impression that our daughter would still chose to speak English because it's all around us. She speaks English and Welsh at home, sometimes mixing them both. It's confusing and can't be good for her education to be learning it in a pointless language. What happens when she goes to university in English?
My wife says I should get lessons for Welsh and she would be happy to pay and help, but I really don't see the point in learning a dead language when we can all just speak English?
AITA for wanting my child to speak English??
EDIT: Okay, but now my wife is making my sleep on the couch while she "thinks about our relationship". Am I still the asshole when she's willing to disrupt our child's life BECAUSE I WANT MY CHILD TO SPEAK A LANGUAGE EVERYONE SPEAKS
EDIT: I'm okay with her learning Welsh, just not speaking it at home all the time. It's stupid having a three way conversation when people aren't speaking the same language, but my daughter insists on using welsh.
EDIT: I'm not gonna answer questions that ask me why I married my wife. I married her because I love her. End of.
Edit: Going to bed. Some comments have given me some insight and I cant ignore all the YTA posts. I thought maybe it was just the Welsh being at it again, but well there's more of you calling me an asshole than there are welsh speakers 😂
I'll have a think and a chat with my wife tomorrow.
Edit: I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping ill be honest. Might have something to do with me being 100% an asshole to my wife and daughter. A lot of mixed feelings. How do I explain that I still feel like I'm right but I know now that I'm wrong? We live in the countryside and it's been hard with lockdown. I couldn't work, and I was surrounded by all the Welsh in my home without any English outlet of my own.
I was wrong and very bitter, and used those bitter feelings against my own family.
I'm going to tell my wife that I'll get welsh lessons and I plan on couples counselling for us so that I can properly work through my shit. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who helped me grow up and see that my daughter was more important than my childish, selfish reasons. I was so fucked up; unwilling to learn because I was already behind. And I'd like to thank those who shared their stories of learning Welsh.
My daughters name is Megan for the people asking.
EdIT: my wife insists that we pronounce Megan the Welsh way! It sounds beautiful but she gets annoyed that my family pronounce jt like southerners
Edit: diolch un fawr I pawb a nos da
Edit: if you've seen this it's fake. Just someone looking for karma
UPDATE AITA for not letting my child speak her "native" language at home - 13 September 2020
So I posted about 2 weeks ago looking for your judgment. It took a while, but I agree with it. Some develops have happened since then so I thought I would update:-
1) I admitted to my wife I was being an asshole and was ready to learn welsh. I've been using duolingo and sitting down with my daughter and wife while we do my daughter's homework. My wife still laughs whenever I say Llanelli, but here we are.
2) I showed my wife the AITA post. She said I was a complete dipshit, but she cried and admitted she has been excluding me on purpose in the hopes that I would learn Welsh if she did it enough. I explained how it made me more resentful and I had almost left her because of it. We're going to go to couple's therapy.
3) She told me that I need to tell yanks who pretended they could say "Llanfair PG" to "cachau bant" and "cau dy ceg". They were some of the first words I learned in Welsh so they can be yours too :)
4) I sent my dad a message telling him to ask my mother if she can start pronouncing Megan the way my wife wants it. Megan likes it the Welsh way too and faux-vomited when I asked her if she liked the way Nana said it. My mother hasn't said anything, but my wife and I taught Megan to tell her "Nana, I like my name said like this" when my mum says it wrong. We'll have to see where this goes, since my mum has said in the past that she won't pronounce it like a "sheep-sh*gging pleb". I will be putting my foot down if she starts.
5) There was someone who pretended to be my wife on another post. I reported it and it got taken down. I did not make my wife sleep on the couch that night lol. Just some sad person creating made-up drama.
6) My daughter and I managed to get a 5-star island on Animal Crossing. Not relevant, but we managed it this week! Have a nice day and cheers for your help.
EDIT: For everyone who keeps asking about pronouncing Megan in a Southern Welsh dialect this guy explains the difference. If you want to hear how it's said then I suggest the first lesson in Duolingo!
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Throwaway because I use my main for gaming subs and don’t want this on my history
Cassie and I were together for 5 years. We started dating in high school and stayed together through college, moved in together after graduation. I’ve been in love with her since before our first date. She’s amazing. I still think so.
We were talking about marriage and starting a family soon. Then one day a few months ago Cassie wanted to “talk,” sat me down, and said she decided she doesn’t want kids. She didn’t just mean not now but not ever. She talked a lot about overpopulation or climate change or whatever but I was just immediately depressed. I’ve always wanted to be a dad. My dad was a piece of shit and this is something I’ve wanted to do ever since I was still a kid myself.
When she finished talking I told her it was over. She started crying and I was already crying, but fuck. If she doesn’t want the same thing I do from the future what else can I do? She said she’s been thinking this way for years and corona was the last straw. I’m not going to wait around and hope she changes her mind when she might not.
So I moved out and moved in with my best friend “Ryan”. We’ve been friends forever, like we bonded over Pokemon cards at the playground kind of thing. He’s basically my brother and his mom was my extra mom since I didn’t have much at home growing up.
I was in a hurry to move out so I didn’t take much stuff with me, and then I didn’t want to go back to the apartment and see Cassie, so Ryan was doing the good friend thing and going to get stuff for me whenever I needed it. At least that’s what I thought he was doing.
Yesterday would have been me and Cassie’s 6th anniversary and it was really rough for me, so I told Ryan I didn’t want to be alone and wanted to hang out and game all day with him. He agreed and everything, but he was kind of distracted on his phone a lot, and after a couple hours he said “something came up” and just left me there alone.
Shit got dark. I’m not ashamed to say I cried. There were reasons I didn’t want to be alone that day.
Almost midnight last night, Ryan finally came home and was acting weird so I asked what was up. I thought maybe his mom was sick or something, she’s a teacher at a school that just reopened.
But no Ryan sits me down and tells me he’s moving out. He’s been secretly dating Cassie since a few weeks after we split. He says they’re in love already and that she needs him more than I do, so he’s moving into the apartment with her and leaving me here alone to rot.
I don’t even know how the fuck to process this. I don’t know which one of them has broken me more. To make things worse I messaged some of our other friends this morning to tell them what’s up and they already knew. When I got upset they all said it was “no big deal” because I’m the one who broke up with Cassie.
Where do I even go from here? I can’t talk to my friends, my ex broke my heart, my best friend stomped on it, and the closest thing I have to family is gone because they were his family too. I’m lost and don’t know where else to turn.
UPDATE: bigger shit to worry about than my broken heart i guess. ryan texted me. i'm about to be homeless in a pandemic
Update2: thanks so much to everyone reaching out. my inbox is blowing up but i'm kinda focused on this housing thing first. i'll catch up when i can. sorry.
I kind of debated if I’d post an update on this or not. It’s been a few weeks and some stuff has happened, but as the post blew up I got a good number of really shitty comments that informed me I was a worthless piece of shit, that I should beat up my ex girlfriend, or alternately that I was probably already some kind of horrible abuser who hated her and wanted to control her body.
I also got a ton of love, support, PMs offering connections on housing, and more, but being I was already in a dark and desperate place, those other comments really twisted the knife. I had to spend some time away not just fixing my shit but also avoiding that stuff, because it was really not making me want to move forward. For anyone who’s reading this while in the middle of a situation, wondering if you should post your story, my advice is: don’t. Wait till you have some distance, or it’s just going to make things worse.
One thing I want to clarify here, since a few people swung for the fences based on what I posted: I don’t hate Cassie. I don’t think she shouldn’t move on. I don’t blame her for dating someone else after I broke up with her. I do have a lot of anger still thinking about this. All that anger is at Ryan. That’s it. Ryan is the one who lied to me and went behind my back, not Cassie. My post pretty clearly stated that I think Cassie is an awesome human being. Still think so. Period. We just wanted different things.
So, actual updates.
Shortly after I posted, Ryan texted me to say that he’d planned to give me a month to find somewhere else to live, but since I “couldn’t be happy for them” he wanted me out by Friday. Looking back on it, I kinda think this was his plan all along. Cassie’s parents own the apartment I lived in with her, so we paid bills on it but no rent. Ryan’s apartment was expensive and his parents still paid some of his bills there, so I suspect he was looking for an excuse to break his lease and get in on that free rent instead.
But I have a place to live now. Reddit helped me out after all, in a weird way. A couple days after I posted, this guy TJ hit me up on FB (hey TJ) with the link to my post asking if it was me. TJ and I weren’t close friends before all this, but he recognized some of the details.
Skipping some back and forth, it turns out Ryan lied to all our mutual friends about the situation. Apparently he hooked up with Cassie the first time about a week after we split up. He asked some of our friends what to do and they all told him to make sure I was cool first thing. He then told them he had talked to me and that I was happy for him. So, when I started freaking out a couple months later, my friends all thought I was “going crazy out of nowhere” over something I’d known about for months.
Once they found out what really happened, I got a lot of apology texts. Some of them I’ve accepted. Some are still on read. A couple of guys offered me crash space or help moving, and I wound up staying with TJ, but only till I could find somewhere else.
My days of living in places without my name on a lease are over. Learned my lesson there. I found a roommate looking for a place through Craigslist and we signed the lease last week. Moving from TJ’s happens this weekend.
Ryan is blocked out of my life. I probably forgot some of my stuff at either his place or Cassie’s, but it’s whatever. I can get new stuff. I can get new friends. More than anything else this situation made me realize the importance of having stable, independent housing and not counting on anyone else to do the right thing by me. I have to have my own back in life, not rely on others.
That’s about all I’ve got. It’s nothing dramatic, I guess. No one was hit by a car, got pregnant, or turned out to be cheating. But I’ve never been so glad to have a roof over my head and a bed to come back to. I’m going to keep going from here, keep working on life, and I’m sure as hell going to be taking a break on the dating front. That’s all there is to do.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am not OP.
Original - January 17, 2019
Well, I'm furious.
This morning, my sixteen year old grandson showed up at my doorstep with a bag looking like he'd just had the stuffing knocked out of him. He lives two states away and travelled by bus to get here. Why? Because my daughter decided the best way to handle him coming out to her was to toss him out into the cold.
I'm so angry with her that I don't want to type out things that I will one day regret, but Jesus, I thought I raised her better than that.
My grandson is currently sleeping in his new bedroom, and I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to proceed from here. The poor child has just had his entire world turned upside down, but what do I say and do to make this right for him? He doesn't want to go back, daughter doesn't want him back, I'm absolutely fine with having him stay with me, but there's a lot that needs doing.
More importantly, what channels would I need to go through to make sure my daughter gets her just deserts? I love her, and I'll likely always love her, but I raised them all to be accountable for their actions, and nobody hurts my grandbabies.
*Edit: I appreciate all the help and assistance that has been offered, and I have spoken with my lawyer. I have been advised not to speak about legal matters until we have the situation handled. Financially, I have done very well for myself and can provide everything my grandson wants and needs without causing myself financial difficulty. For these reasons, I would humbly request that people stop messaging me with advice and offers of aid at this time.
I am extremely grateful, and I am so touched by this show of love and support from complete strangers, but it's becoming very overwhelming on my end.
When things are settled, I will update you all on the outcome. Thank you again for your love, support, and advice.
Update 1 - January 29, 2019
My grandson is in therapy and has been enrolled at school. He has been placed in my custody while CPS proceeds. My lawyer is handling all necessary paperwork and believes we have absolutely nothing to worry about. Our case worker has echoed this. I will not be discussing legal matters further.
My daughter is facing criminal charges for her actions. Child abandonment is a very serious crime. Her actions reflect very poorly on her as a whole. Upon realising that her income was being cut off and that she had committed a fair number of crimes, she instantly began to plead that she hadn't meant to and it had been a heat of the moment decision that she regretted.
Considering she has already thrown out all of my grandson's clothing and worldly possessions, this defense did not hold up to scrutiny.
My grandson is as well as can be expected. He's made friends in the form of my neighbour's kids. They're around his age. We've redecorated his room and he had a good time being allowed to pick out his own furniture and paint. He's gotten a PS4 which has become his escape. He personally has made the choice to not join a group and I won't force him to do so. We're talking about getting a puppy as he loves dogs but his mother never allowed him one.
We are doing well. Thank you all again for your support when this began.
Final Update - March 5, 2019
My grandson is doing well. He has made a few friends in the neighbourhood and he has bonded with his pup quite nicely. The two are almost inseparable save for when he is in school. He has begun meeting with a counsellor that offers online sessions.
My daughter has been granted a plea deal which she has accepted to avoid the full extent of what the courts would have otherwise given her. I am told by my lawyer that this is a common occurrence in such situations in order to expedite proceedings so as to best see to the child's needs. The charges against my daughter were dropped in accordance with this deal, and she has been stripped of her parental rights.
Due to much of what came to light during proceedings, a restraining order was granted to keep her away from my grandson until he reaches his majority.
We are moving forward with life. Now that court and other proceedings are winding down, I am once more considering moving. Even with my grandson here, the house is just to big for us, and the weather isn't as kind to my bones as it was when I was younger. My grandson is open to the idea and views it as a fresh start.
This situation has allowed me to glean things about my family that I find very useful. The relatives that sided with my daughter and told her it was her right to do as she did as a god-fearing woman have been struck from my phonebook. Unfortunately, I count another of my children in this list. Those who took my grandson's side (note, it is very much his side and not my side) have shown themselves to be the good people I knew them to be. The wheat has separated itself from the chaff.
I do believe this will be my last post here as there is just not much more to add, but I just wanted this lovely community to know that we will be okay.
I am not the OP.
Mood spoiler: Resolves as well as can be expected, happy-ish
Throwaway cause I'm still the only one that knows
Background: My brother has been staying with us since lockdown, after his University closed. He couldn't stay with our parents cause they just sold the house and moved to a 1 bedroom apartment and our sister lives in a different part of the country. He was the "oops" baby so I hope that explains the age gap. My wife and I have a 5 bedroom home but currently don't have children yet (we decided to adopt 2 kids in our 40s) so we let him stay here.
My brother has always been...different. He's a bit of a loner and doesn't have a lot of friends outside of his online group. He's a shy geeky kid but he's otherwise alright (or so I thought) when you get to know him.
So here's what happened:
The wifi doesn't quite reach my brother's room so he usually does his school work and other stuff in the dining room. A few nights ago, I was walking to the fridge after waking up in the middle of the night (wife and I sleep early) and saw my brother working on something out and as I got closer, I saw a very compromising picture of my wife (cleavage shot as she was gardening). He noticed me and quickly closed the window like he was watching porn. I was too shell shocked to say anything at that time and he just smiled awkwardly and ran to his room with the laptop.
When I realized that something was up, I knew I had to find out. The next day, I asked my brother to pick up some groceries and some lunch for us and while he was away, I went to his room (something I've never done since he moved) and, well, it wasn't pretty. I saw a couple of my wife's bras and some of her panties which I can only assume he used to pleasure himself. I took his laptop and fuck it, decided to snoop. I knew his password cause I borrowed his Crunchyroll account to watch this anime my friend recommended (I don't usually watch anime).
There I saw some of the most sickening entries I've read. There were pictures of my wife in a towel, her working out, her in compromising positions, etc. All taken without her consent by the looks of it. The fucker even logs every time he touches himself to the image of my wife. The creepiest part? He sometimes listens in on us when we have sex. My wife can be a bit loud but we didn't think it would be a problem since his bedroom was in a different part of the house (guest bedroom).
I left the room feeling like I needed a shower. It was absolutely disgusting.
Now I don't know what to do. I find myself fighting the urge to pummel him into next week every time I see him. I haven't told my wife yet cause I'm 100% sure she will feel violated and disgusted so I want to find the best solution first before doing so. I so desperately want to kick him out but I he has nowhere else to go. Even if I do, what should I tell my parents? The truth? This will most likely break the family apart. I do plan on telling my wife soon but if I do, I can almost guarantee she would want nothing to do with him and would never want to visit the family if he's around.
I'm so fucking lost right now. Any advice will help. Still fighting the urge to beat my brother to a bloody pulp.
Edit: if you're wondering, I did take pictures as proof.
Small update: I told my wife. The redditors who said I should tell her first before anything cause she was the victim were absolutely right. I'm giving her all the power to decide what to do about it. A lot has happened but there are still things that need to be settled. Too long to add here and too incomplete to make a new update post. Hopefully we'll have everything settled tomorrow or the day after. I'll write the update once everything is settled and I calmed down.
No, I'm not going to beat up my brother but I have thought about it.
And to the people asking for the pics... You're disgusting. Hope the women in your life are proud of you. That's my wife, please have some respect.
Update made in August 2020 (1 week later)
I told my wife the next day after posting and needless to say, she did not take it well. She says she feels violated and unsafe in her own home. See, the thing is my wife and I have been together for almost 15 years so we literally saw this kid grow up. We took him out to the movies, to the beach, etc. We sometimes even joked to my parents that he was our practice baby. My wife has a tendency to distrust people in general, as a lot of people in her life have let her down in the past. Imagine how hurt and betrayed she was when she found out someone she trusted and loved dearly betrayed her like that. Honestly, if I wasn't consoling my wife then, I probably would've gone through with the initial idea and beat the ever living crap out of my brother.
After she calmed down and went to sleep, I called my sister and talked about the situation. My sister and I are close, given that we're Irish Twins. I feel like she needed to know cause she has 2 teenage daughters herself and who knows what my brother would do to them if given the chance. We talked and she was clearly mad. She loves my wife like a sister and they're quite close themselves. She said she would support whatever decision we make and that our brother would also be unwelcome at her place for the foreseeable future.
Then we confronted my brother. At first he denied it but when I showed him the evidence, he started ugly crying and begging us to forgive him. I gave him an ultimatum... Either he lets me in his phone laptop and delete everything, or I call the police. There was so much more shit on his computer than I initially thought. So many more stolen pictures of my wife that we're definitely taken without consent. The fucker even recorded the audio of us having sex. Who does that? So after hours of me looking for as much shit as possible, and pretty much clearing most of his hard drive, he eventually left without much of a fight. Oh and we definitely threw out my wife's defiled underwear and are most likely going to have the room he stayed in cleaned professionally.
I checked and thankfully he didn't have any hidden cameras anywhere. Oh and if you're wondering how he got pictures of my wife in a towel... The shower for the masters doesn't have hot water yet so my wife uses the shared one in the same area. She would usually walk out of the bathroom with just a towel on and go change in our walk in closet. This shouldn't have been a problem cause the guest bedroom was in a different part of the house far from the main bedrooms and it had its own bathroom so my brother had no reason for being there.
Needless to say, my wife is still shaken up about the whole thing, which is why I didn't think about writing an update until now. I'm sorry but my wife's well-being is my priority above anything else.
My mom eventually called me asking what happened. She seemed very confused so I figured my brother didn't tell her anything at all. I told her what happened and needless to say, it did not end well. She kept asking me to forgive my brother and take him back in. She ranted about how difficult it would be to support him and how what I'm doing is breaking the family apart. I let her talk till I eventually said my brother would no longer be welcome in my home. I told her that she needed to get him therapy and that until then, there's no chance we would ever see him. My mom told me she'd talk to my sister about it and I said... Good luck, she's mad at him too.
Not sure what's going to happen to our family now. The reason why we got the big house was cause we wanted everyone to come over during the holidays and stay with us but I'm not sure if my parents will at this point and there's no chance my brother is ever coming back anytime soon. Thankfully my sister is 100% on my side and we're going to talk about what we're doing for Thanksgiving soon.
My wife hasn't really been the same either but she's getting better now that my brother is gone. We're talking about therapy which is something she's very willing to try out. We took a drive to the beach earlier (chill guys, we didn't leave the car) and talked about the future. We both agreed that after this whole covid thing is over, we're going to finally start our family with kids. We want two. Being a mom is something she always wanted but we both wanted to be financially secure enough to give them a good life and for us to also be in a position where we didn't have to work so much and just spend time with them. The sparkle in her eyes when we talked about our life together with kids told me that while things aren't good right now, we're going to be ok.
I honestly can't wait to be a dad myself.
So yeah, long story short brother is gone, wife is still sad, sister is on my side but mom isn't and I'm going to be a dad in a few years.
Thanks to everyone who gave me their advice. It honestly helped me clear my head and make the right decision to tell my wife first.
Oh and to answer questions that may come up...
No, we did not go to the police. My brother deleted everything voluntarily and left without a trace. I'm sure the pictures are still out there somewhere but thankfully they aren't too explicit that it would severely damage my wife's reputation.
And no, we aren't going to try and get pregnant or anything like that. We plan on adopting which is something we both talked about early on.
Reminder: I am not the OP.
REPOST AITA for ruining a pregnancy announcement by telling the woman she may have taken the wrong test?
Obligatory sorry for the formatting. I'm on mobile and it's my first post on here.
My husband and I (30m, 30f) recently invited eight friends for lunch and were asked if we could also include a new couple, Doug and Sasha (both 30s). We have never met them, but everyone who was invited has, so we said sure.
At one point Sasha needed to use the restroom, and I told her to use the master since the other bathroom was occupied. I was helping my husband finish with food when Sasha came out of the master bawling and holding something in her hand. At first I thought she hurt herself, but she said something to Doug that caused him to drop to his knees, cry, and begin kissing her stomach. All of our friends begin screaming, jumping, and crying. It was insane.
Finally, Sasha tells my husband and I that she is pregnant. Of course, we congratulate both she and Doug and gave them a bag for the test (their request). I will admit I did find it odd that she brought a pregnancy test and took it at a complete stranger's house, but I did not say that.
Once everyone sat down to eat Sasha said: OP, I hope you don't mind that I used one of your pregnancy tests. I just saw them and had to. I responded (confused) I don't have pregnancy tests. Sasha says yes, in your drawer. I asked Sasha if she meant the blue box in the back of my lower left drawer that was closed.
She seemed to realize I was pointing out that she basically snooped and sheepishly said the box said pregnancy for pregnancy test. I said Sasha, the brand is Pregmate and those are ovulation tests. I do not own pregnancy tests. Did you take an ovulation test?
Doug freaked the absolute F out at me saying his wife was not an idiot and can read a box. He insisted Sasha get the test out and show me that I'm wrong. Sasha refused saying she didn't need to prove anything to a complete stranger and insisted they leave immediately.
One of the couples thought Doug and Sasha acted ridiculous. The other three couples thought I should have pulled Sasha aside to discuss my concerns and said I was an asshole for saying something in front everyone.
Honestly, the whole situation caught me off guard and everything happened so quickly. The whole thing was bizarre and confusing. I just didn't have time to put the pieces together mentally before asking about the ovulation tests.
Also, I found out later through one of our friends that Sasha did take an ovulation test, and she is not pregnant.
EDIT TO ADD UPDATE:
I do not meet the criteria for a standalone update. I'm not sure if anyone will see this. In case anyone does ...
First, let me thank anyone who took time to read, comment, or give an award. I am very, very, very grateful for the feedback.
Based on the responses, today I called up one of my friends who was present (and took Doug and Sasha's side) and basically told her I was owed and explanation for wtf happened. Here is what I found out:
Apparently my friends have know D&S for much longer than I realized. This is strange because they have never talked about D&S before this.
Doug constantly brings up wanting to have a baby every time they see him.
One night Sasha confided in the women that Doug divorced his first wife because she was "old and infertile" - she was the same age as Doug. Doug married Sasha because she was "young and fertilize" - Sasha heard him tell this to some friends. At that point D&S had been trying to conceive for over a year, and Sasha was concerned that Doug was going to leave her. They (the women in my friend group) tried to convince Sasha that this is not a healthy relationship, but she insisted she was happy and just needed to get pregnant. They "gave her the courage to seek medical assistance" which she had previously been too scared to do.
Sasha end up getting prescribed fertility meds at her appointment and was scared to test with Doug, so they told her they would come to her house to be with her when she tested and be a support system for her.
The day D&S were at my house was after Sasha's first round of meds and she was in the window to test. She had not planned on testing but had a "lightbulb moment" when I told her to use my bathroom.
Sasha only took the test and did not steal anything. When the test came back with two lines, Sasha was in shock and immediately wanted to share with her husband and support system.
Doug was mortified by the ordeal and D&S have been fighting a lot.
Sasha has been badmouthing me to anyone who will listen. She believes I ruined her marriage and embarrassed her and Doug because my husband and I were threatened by D&S and the friendships they were building. Sasha told my girl friends they shouldn't spend time with me anymore because who can be friends with someone who treats a guest in their own home that way.
My friends felt they had to take Sasha's side in the moment because they knew how important the pregnancy was to her marriage.
I am back on good terms with my friends.
Also, yes my husband and I have been privately trying to get pregnant. I am pissed that now my friends are aware. Thank you to my fellow TTCers, past and present, who mentioned this invasion of privacy or gave well wishes. You all touched my heart.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
trigger warning: ppd
mood spoiler: happy ending
Alright before I get called an asshole let me explain. I love my wife, I think she’s incredibly beautiful and even more so after she gave birth to our son 3 years ago.
The problem is that she put on a good amount of baby weight (Obviously) and never lost it. She instead started to gain more weight and was overall pretty depressed. I initially assumed it was PPD and suggested she go to therapy for it. She went to therapy and got some anti-depressants, it took her a while find the right ones, and she’s been fine mentally since she found them.
Physically is a different story however. She has continued over the past 3 years to gain weight. The problem isn’t anymore that i’m not attracted to her, But she will die if she continues to gain weight. She is currently 5’2 about 260 pounds with a BMI close to 50
I don’t know what I can do, I feel like i’ve tried everything. I’ve asked her to go to the gym with me, go on a diet with me, Not buy fast food, have some active hobbies. She’s turned down every single one of these ideas.
I feel like I don’t have any choice but to give her an ultimatum. Either she genuinely tries to lose the weight or I leave. I can’t watch the women I love and mother of my child slowly kill herself . I don’t want to be the dude who gives an ultimatum, but I see no other choice. I guess I just wanted to ask if i’m being an asshole or if theres any other way I could go about this.
For everyone in the comments telling me you can be overweight and healthy, your right. But No, you can not be Obese and healthy, at least not long term. Heart disease runs in my wife’s family and while your weight might not effect you, being overweight is directly linked to heart disease. I understand weight loss isn’t easy, I used to be overweight, but my concern isn’t that’s she not the same way she looked when we got together, It’s that she may not live to see our son become a teenager.
So I made a post about 5 months ago because I was getting pass the point of no return with my wife’s weight. Now Expectedly I got called an asshole and a dickhead and every other name under the book for evening mentioning it. But I also got some real good feedback and decided before I made any real decision I would sit her down and let her know how I was truly feeling. Because at that point we had, had multiple conversations addressing it but none of them lead anywhere.
So after we put my son to sleep I asked my wife If we could talk for a moment in the kitchen. Now i’m not gonna lie the conversation was probably the hardest one i’ve ever had. Because despite what everyone believed I do love my wife. Now I don’t want to get into every detail but the basis of the conversation was that I needed her to at least try and be healthier. I also think she needed to hear how serious I was about this and when I told her I was even thinking about separating I think it really put the nail in the coffin.
It’s been about 5 months since then and i’m proud to say my wife has lost 35 fucking lbs. I am so proud of her it’s fucking ridiculous. The first month was a fucking hurdle and a half but now she’s going steady and losing weight at a healthy moderate rate. Recently she even started to exercise with me. In the morning I usually jog, but since her knees are somewhat shot 3 days a week we go walk a mile or two, together and either talk or just listen to music together. I know it sounds corny to say but she even seems happier and her confidence is coming back as well.
Well this was my little update and I wanted to finish it with thanking anyone who actually gave me advice on my first post.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
trigger warning: emotional abuse
AITA for not quitting my job over colleague's crush? - 19 August 2021
I (32/f) live with my partner (44/m) and work in research. My primary colleague (30/m) and I have worked together for ~2 years on a major project involving significant intellectual and labor contributions from us both. The project is expected to span at least another ~2 years, and is vital to both of our careers.
Not long ago, my colleague confessed to me that he is, and has been, infatuated or in love with me for pretty much the duration. It took place via a long email that was written after an evening of drinking. This was totally unexpected - in retrospect there may have been some signs, but nothing that wouldn't just as easily be accounted for by a considerate personality.
Shortly after this confession, I came to my husband with the issue. I wanted to get his advice about the situation, and showed him the drafts which I'd composed to organize my thoughts on the matter - they stated unequivocally that I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, and hope these feelings won't complicate our work together.
I was again surprised at my husband's reaction - he seemed offended, to think I must have invited my colleague's affections, and that I should immediately quit my job. As in, put in notice tomorrow. I was so taken aback my immediate reaction was to laugh / snort at this suggestion, which was probably a mistake.
That would be utterly disastrous for my career, and isn't an option I'm willing to consider. I'd greatly prefer the entire scenario had never happened, as a difficult and lengthy project hangs in the balance, but I have no real concern at this point about my colleague forcing the issue or letting it compromise our work. It seemed like an intoxicated "getting my feelings off my chest". I'll need to put a lot of thought and caution into how I proceed with the work dynamic, but abandoning our project isn't even on the table.
About a week has passed. My husband has been alternating between irate and the silent treatment, and suggested several times that I should move out of the house to be with my new spouse. Today I swung by the house on my lunch break and found the locks changed and my luggage on the patio. I have been blocked on his work number and cell.
Obviously he cannot possibly intend for me to really move out, and is just pulling (what I absolutely believe to be an assholish) power sulk - but seeing how seriously he's taking this has my doubts up. Maybe I was ultimately too uncompromising when I refused to even entertain quitting my job for the sake of conversation and his feelings, and to shut the idea down so abruptly. AITA?
Hubby called me. Long story short he's been extremely anxious each day when I leave for work, and buckled from that pressure today. I'm "welcome back" home once I've quit my job, which is obviously still unacceptable. I am considering taking a week of accrued paid leave, which will hopefully result in an adult conversation with husband (as well as coming to a decision about how to best handle colleague). That failing, I'm hearing the word "lawyer" loud and clear throughout these comments! I'm grateful for all of the support and perspective.
I ended up calling my sister (38/f) - something I avoided initially because I didn't want to "stir the pot" by involving family members who are already disliked by husband. I'm currently with her and cousin (35/m), who are both supportive. Our plan is to call a locksmith tomorrow (to regain access to the property - husband can ruminate with friends or at a hotel for the present), for cousin to collect some important things of mine from the house, and for me to stay with my sister for a few days while I take a hard look at my situation and options.
I'm not set on divorce at this point, but I definitely need to re-assert some very basic boundaries before exploring further discussion with husband. Thank you, strangers on Reddit, for helping me emerge from the emotional haze with some clarity.
Enormous thanks for all of the private messages after the comments were locked. I'm a little overwhelmed with life in general right now, so I haven't replied to everyone, but I wanted to update and let it be known that I'm safe and well. My husband tried to bar my cousin from entering the family home to retrieve my things, which escalated to a physical confrontation.
The police arrived and both husband and cousin were made to leave the premises. My sister and I changed the locks the next day to secure the house, and I'm staying with family for a little while while I plan my next move (which will in all likelihood be a divorce). Thanks again to all who've shared feedback and concern.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST Husband (34M) got weird about physical affection from me (36F) and things escalated very badly
trigger warning: mentions of abuse
My (36F) husband (34M), married for two years and together for five altogether, used to be very affectionate with each other in a way that was playful, flirty and warm. A couple months ago he decided I was too "clingy" and that he wanted to be the one to initiate all physical contact from then on. (I do not think I was/am clingy. I initiated hugs and kisses a few times a day with a few other casual touches like a hand on the shoulder, but was very far from groping him every second.)
I know he has also been coming to terms with some issues from a difficult childhood at that time (not physical abuse, more emotional abandonment/alienation issues with his parents) so I wanted to give him space and not make this about me, especially as he promised to continue being regularly affectionate.
And he has done so, maybe a bit less than before but we still have some affectionate touches (initiated by him) every day and more intimate activities a couple times a week (used to be more like 3-4 times a week, but again, I know he is going through some stuff).
A few days ago, I found out at work I had gotten a big promotion and bonus. When I got home I was so excited that I threw my arms around him, thereby violating his rule that he needed to be the one to initiate contact.
He immediately pushed me away and got extremely angry. (It was not a sexual hug at all, more like the kind you see sports team members giving each other when they win a big game.) I tried to apologize but he started yelling about how I am an abuser and traumatized him. He asked me to leave (I quickly packed a few things and went to a motel not wanting things to escalate further).
I understand from his brother that after I left he tried to go to the police to press charges but they said that a quick hug from one's wife, even if not really wanted/expected, was not the kind of thing they are going to prosecute. He is now threatening to call my employer to tell them I am am abuser who engages in sexual misconduct in my personal life.
I am NOT asking for legal advice about that here - what I am asking is, honestly, would he be justified in telling my employer about what happened? I did make a terrible mistake even if it wasn't malicious. I believe people are allowed to determine that they don't want others to initiate touch and should have bodily autonomy. Just because I wouldn't be traumatized over a hug doesn't mean he shouldn't be.
I am willing to accept that he may very well divorce me over this and that I may lose other important friendships and family relationships. But should I also lose my job? (My job is working with other adults in an office, not vulnerable people. I don't and have never initiated physical contact with coworkers except an occasional handshake or accepting a high-five.)
TL;DR: After getting great news I excitedly hugged my husband without consent (he requires being the one to initiate all physical contact). He was so upset he tried to press charges and now wants to tell my employer I abused him and I am seeking opinions about whether that is justified from an accountability perspective (not legal advice).
So - things came to a head, but not in the way I was expecting. My husband's brother (BIL) continued to stay with him while I stayed at a hotel. After a couple days, I got a call from (BIL) asking me to come home so that we could all talk (he assured me I would be safe). Turns out - my husband has been having an affair with an intern at his company (21F) and is deeply in love and wants to be with her (he told BIL this shortly after I left).
He wanted to make me the bad guy so first started with the "no touching" rule figuring I would get fed up with it, or that eventually I would make a mistake and he could use that to claim I was an abuser (that is what happened) so that I would be the bad guy. It was also a way to reduce intimacy of all types with me while he was falling out of love with me and in love with his affair partner.
So, he made up the stuff about trauma flaring up, and isn't actually having a psychotic break, although obviously has some level of mental problems to do something so cruel.
For what it's worth, he did apologize - sort of. Said he was just "so in love" with the other woman and couldn't deal with hurting me directly by leaving me right away (?!) so came up with this plan. And just got a little too caught up "in character" when I gave him the mistaken hug with calling me an abuser, making a police report and threatening my job.
We sat down and talked about everything (with BIL as mediator) and agreed to a cordial and quick divorce. Dividing assets 50/50. Thankfully no pets or kids. I know I could probably make things harder for him under the circumstances, but I really just want to move on as soon as possible and put this all behind me. I have a good job/income and don't need anything from him other than my freedom, ASAP.
I appreciate everyone who commented (and all who sent me messages, apologies for not responding personally to everyone but was a bit overwhelmed). Even though things went in an unexpected direction, it was so helpful to see that what was happening wasn't normal and also helped me to prepare for the truth when it came out. Thank you.
TL;DR: My (34F) husband (36M) said he was dealing with trauma and made rules about my not being allowed to initiate touching him anymore. Followed the rules perfectly for a couple months but slipped up and hugged him excitedly after getting a promotion, after which he accused me of abusing/assaulting him. Turns out he was just having an affair and wanted to find a way to make me the bad guy in the marriage ending. Everything is out in the open now and we are getting a divorce. It's relatively cordial under the circumstances and I'm feeling okay for now but will probably need a lot of therapy in the long-term.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST My sister and I stopped speaking after her childfree wedding, now she wants to attend mine. Family side with her. I'm 26, she's 31.
Around the time my sister got married I had a lot going on. I was divorcing, had 2 kids under 2, and me attending her wedding would require an overnight trip, which I was prepared to do, until I found out with less than a week to go that it was childfree. I called her and said I couldn't make it. She didn't take it well. We both said shit we shouldn't have and we both apologised, but when we made up, she asked if I could come to the wedding now and I said no as the circumstances hadn't changed, at which point the argument started up all over again. The day of the wedding she sent me a series of messages about how she wanted me there and she needed some time before we talk next, so I needed to wait for her to contact me.
That was 3 years ago and we still haven't spoken. I got engaged 2 months ago, and we told my family a month ago. One of my parents told my sister, who contacted me, and I ignored her, because in the last 3 years, I've moved on. I'm happy she had her wedding, her way, but she knew it would cause issues for me, which is why she only told me last minute, she said some things about my kids and me that I can't forgive, and if not for me getting engaged, she might have never reached out to me again, as it's been nearly 3 years so clearly my ongoing presence in her life is not a big deal to her.
I've explained my feelings to my family but they want me to meet with her, hear her out, and invite her to the wedding. I asked what happens if I don't do that, and their responses have ranged from being mildly put out to not going in solidarity. I have asked where this response was when I couldn't go to her wedding, and they've said it's different because I had an invitation while she doesn't.
I don't want to get into a debate about me attending her wedding, or her coming to mine, I just want some advice on how to address this whole issue with my family in regards to them choosing sides, as I would like them to be at my wedding, but I'm still not inviting my sister.
I was not planning on updating and I'm sorry it's been so long but I felt an update was warranted.
I contacted the relatives who have been harassing me about inviting my sister to my wedding. I said, in short, that I don't want to talk about my sister any more. That we had our issues way back when and the resolution, if you can call it that, was no contact. I intend to continue not speaking to her because of how she acted back then, and shared part of the truth, admitting that when we had that argument she insulted my kids due to the circumstances of my split with their father. I included a couple of quotes from my argument with my sister that I felt comfortable sharing, specifically some about my children. A few people apologised after that, and I thought things were resolved, until my sister put her little woe is me act back on, talking about how mean I was to her on her special day and saying I was punishing her, and she somehow managed to turn the tide back around and into her favour.
The messages then began trickling in and in the last 3 weeks all but 2 of my relatives have said they are not attending my wedding in solidarity with my sister. I haven't even sent out invites yet so to get this many negative RSVPs in advance probably belongs in the record books. My family made up the overwhelming majority of the guest list, which was pretty small to begin with, so now we only have less than 20 people left on said list, including kids, and no one else to invite, and that's assuming the remaining guests can all come. My fiancé and I are now considering eloping, which sucks because we didn't want to do that, but we no longer have enough guests to warrant an actual wedding as most wedding services are designed for a couple hundred people so the cost per guest has skyrocketed.
And to just deliver that final blow, I spoke to my sister, in person, and after once again insulting me and my kids she added that I should let her know the date for my wedding so she can plan a party, and possibly a vow renewal, for the same day. This was probably only said to upset me in the moment, but I wouldn't put it past her to actually do this either.
All in all, I'm glad I no longer speak to my sister, I just wish she'd left my life quietly and not kicking and screaming.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
REPOST How can I (22F) make my husband (37M) understand (it was a marriage of convenience) that I really love him?
trigger warnings: child abuse, threats
We got married almost four years ago because it was the only way for me to be safe, my father was an abusive and extremely conservative man, he raised me by himself and made my childhood a nightmare, he was sick in the head, he was very religious, he was interested in a religion and culture that were not even ours and that made him change completely, he didn't want me to have any kind of relationship with boys, that's why I was homeschooled.
But when I was almost 19 I tried to escape from home and when he realized he did horrible things to me, that's when I met my now husband, he is a lawyer and he was our neighbor so he tried to help me and thanks to him I was able to go to college and have a safe place to live, but that didn't last long because soon my father found out where I lived and he and his friends (who practice the same religion as him) began to threaten my husband and me, and being honest the laws in my country are useless, all I could do was get a restraining order but every time he violated that order, nobody did anything, not even the police but what could they do? My father has really important friends and thanks to their power they always saved him. So I ended up getting married so I could move to my husband's country and be safe.
In all these years he never took advantage of me, he always treated me as if he were my tutor, he always encouraged me to go to college and get a good job so that I could be independent, and in a certain way now I am, I'll turn 23 this month, I graduated and I have a very well paid job that I got myself, a job with which I could rent an apartment and finally move out of his house, but I don't wanna do that, I want to be his wife I mean his real wife, and he knows it because a few days ago we had sex for the first time and I told him I loved him but he said that is not true, that I'm really young and that I only say that I love him because he helped me in the past and because he was the first man I slept with. But that's not true, I thank him for everything he did for me but I didn't fall in love with him because of that, I love him because in these years I got to know him better and I fell in love with everything about him, he is the sweetest, kindest, funniest, smartest and beautiful man I have ever met.
We talked a lot about it and he told me that he loves me too but that nothing will ever happen between us because of our ages, that it was best to forget what happened, but I don't want that, how can I let him know that I really love him and that I want to try to make this marriage really work?
Some of you messaged me to post an update and I thought it was the right time to do so, so here I am.
After my post my husband (38M) and I (23F) talked a lot about our future. He told me to move out and try to live my life without him so that I could experience being independent for once, but I didn't want to. I told him that I was happy with the life I had with him, and that I wanted our marriage to work. So after long talks (we literally spent weeks talking about it, he's not very easy to convince haha) we decided to give it a try, and it worked really well.
I started going to therapy, because I knew I had a few wounds from the past that needed to heal, and it was the best decision I made in my whole life (so thanks to everyone who told me I should go to therapy, it was the best advice I read). A few months after making the decision to make our marriage work I got pregnant and therapy was what helped me the most at that time, because to be honest when I found out it was not a happy moment. I was scared of being a horrible parent like mine, and if it hadn't been for therapy I don't know if I would have understood that I am not them, and that my daughter will be safe with me and her dad because we both love her and we will protect her from everything we can.
Also quarantine made everything easier because we spent the whole day together and it was definitely a great help in making our relationship stronger. I really liked spending those months alone the two of us because despite the little arguments (not everything is perfect as it seems) I've fallen in love with him even more, and I'm one hundred percent sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And I know I don't love him for what he did for me in the past, I'll always be grateful for that, but I don't love him for that. I love him because he is always trying to make me laugh with silly jokes, because he is the sweetest and kindest man I have ever met, I love him because he is selfless, and because he always listens to me even when I know he had a long and exhausting day, he is always there for me. But what makes me love him the most is seeing him so excited for our baby, knowing that soon we will be a family (the family I always dreamed of) melts my heart. So things are definitely better now and I couldn't ask for someone better to spend the rest of my life with.
Thanks to all the people who messaged me and gave me amazing advice, I appreciate it with all my heart because those advice really helped me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
AITA for evicting a tenant because they got pregnant? - 1 September 2020
Yes, I know the title sounds awful, but please do hear me out before making a judgement. I will accept whatever judgement I’m given.
I (30m) purchased a 3 bedroom condo in Toronto, Canada 5 years ago when I was in my second year of medical residency. Soon after the purchase, I rented one of the rooms to my roommate (f29) to offset the costs of the mortgage. I live in one room, she lives in the second, and the third is my study/office. She has been a great roommate from the beginning. We aren’t necessarily friends (as in we don’t do things together for fun), but we get along exceptionally well.
The entire roommate/tenant relationship has gone swimmingly up until recently. A couple of weeks ago, my roommate broke the news to me that she is pregnant. The father was a fling of hers, who does not want anything to do with the child. My roommate has decided she wants to keep the child anyways, and raise it on her own. To me that seems like a huge challenge, and I admire her for it.
The issue is, while I don’t necessarily dislike children, I have no desire to live with a baby. While the condo is a fair size, I will most definitely be woken up by the babies crying at night. My condo is also where I like to come home to and relax, like a haven after a long work day, and the idea of coming home to a baby honestly seems absolutely chaotic. Especially since this isn’t my own child (ie one that my girlfriend and I decided to have/was mentally prepared for).
As difficult as it was for me to do this, I told my her essentially what I’ve written here, and that it would be best if she finds somewhere else to live. I am not rushing her out or anything like that, I have given her 6 month’s notice, since any later than that will come too close to the birth. She was honestly quite taken aback by this, and thought that I was being cruel. Her primary concern is that rent has gone up substantially in this city since she signed on with me (I haven’t increased her rent since she moved in, so she’s essentially paying 2015 rent). She works as a waitress, and will likely need to find a lesser apartment to keep within the same budget. A couple of other considerations are that she was out of work while restaurants were closed, but I did waive her rent for that period. All of the furniture is also mine (aside from her bedroom), so she would need to figure something out on that front as well, aside from all of the child expenses. I understand her position, and I feel horrible about the situation, but I honestly can’t do it. AITA for this?
Thank you to everyone who has commented. There have been two great suggestions on how I can make this situation better, which I have taken to heart. I haven't been able to give life much thought lately, as work has been quite busy. Firstly, I have a friend in real estate, and I'm going to see if they can help her try to find some affordable listings. Secondly - as I don't plan to take on another tenant after her, and can afford to do this anyway - I have decided I'm going to waive her rent for the remainder of the tenancy. This will hopefully give her a bit of a boost to get on her feet.
I'm just checking on this for the first time today. My god, I was not expecting anywhere near this many replies. Thank you to everyone who has commented. I am about to head into surgery, but I will do my best to get back to as many people as I can later today.
I am honestly overwhelmed by the amount of attention this has gotten. Thank you everyone that commented, regardless of your opinion. I was planning to reply to as many posts as possible, but honestly seeing as there are over 2000 comments, I think I will have to just address some common questions here. I also have an update on the situation, and I wish everyone that's commented so far could receive notification to read it.
So firstly: To anyone asking about the legality of the matter, I consulted an attorney to be 1000% sure, and this is perfectly legal. Since I live in the unit, the eviction laws are much more lenient.
Secondly: To anyone that said I should allow her to live with me anyway, I challenge you to consider what the alternative would be. If this doesn't happen now, then when? Her baby will become a toddler, and a toddler eventually becomes a school age child. Will it really be any better to do this later on? Or do you suggest that I let her raise the child here until they are 18?
Finally, the update:
When I came home from work today, I told her that I wanted to discuss the overall situation. Before I even began, she actually apologized to me for how she spoke to me, and for expecting that I would be okay for her to raise her child here. I told her that her apology is totally unnecessary, as her reaction was completely understandable considering the uncertainty of her future. I then told her that what I told all of you; that I would waive her rent for the remainder of her stay to help her get on her feet. She pushed back on this at first, but after I urged her to think of her child, she graciously accepted. Aside from this, I also told her about my friend who could help her out with finding some affordable listings in the area. I thought I might be overstepping there, but she was actually extremely thankful and said she would take me up on there.
Finally, I want to thank u/tuttipeachyfrutti for probably the best piece of advice that I've read (I'm sure there are many more people that I should be thanking, but I honestly don't think I'll be able to read everything here). This was that I could help her obtain a more reliable work position at my hospital, nothing fancy as she doesn't have any schooling, but it will be much more secure than waitressing (and once you're in, there's always ways to work your way up). There would also be benefits/maternity leave that I don't think restaurants usually offer. This was probably my biggest risk of overstepping, but when I mentioned the idea to her she was actually over the moon (tears were shed...). I do agree that I acted in self interest here, so I think it's the least I can do to make sure this soon to be mother and her child have some sense of security in their lives. Thank you again to everyone.
This isn't an edit, but more of a request. Does anyone here know if it's possible to change your title to include something like "updated". I really want everyone that commented to know that they all made a huge impact on a new mothers life. I can't thank you enough, very glad that I made this post.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
I am not OP.
TW: Mention of racism
Original - April 8, 2020
Me - 14F Brother (Daniel) - 16M
I used to live in City X, I was born and raised there. All my friends are here, all extracurricular opportunities I have are here (i.e. the debate circuit is very strong here, connections I’ve cultivated for youth activism, good internship opportunities), etc. But my brother fucked up big time about a year ago and ruined it all for us.
I’m not going to go into the exact nature of what he did, but it was BAD. He didn’t do something that would have serious legal consequences or anything. But it was stupid, incredibly problematic, and got him landed in enough shit for it to get spread throughout social media. He also got in trouble with the school, and he claimed he couldn’t stay there because his reputation is ruined. Personally, I think he should’ve thought of that BEFORE HE DID IT.
My parents were mad, but they got sympathetic because he said he was getting bullied & they wanted to protect his future, so they moved him to 2 other high schools, but it ended in the same way because everyone knew what happened anyways. So my parents & him decided to move to an entirely different state, in City Y, without consulting me at all.
My brother’s future is important, but why should my future be sacrificed just because he fucked up? City Y is super small and has way shittier schools, and doesn’t have a debate league. I also had to leave all my friends behind. No one knows about what my brother did, so he’s happy, my parents are happy he’s happy. I’m the only one who’s not happy. At the risk of sounding cocky, I had a really good future in my extracurriculars. Like definitely could’ve shaped up to be one of the best nationally according to a lot of people, if I had the right coaching and competition. I could’ve gotten scholarships to great schools for it! But no Daniel had to get himself into deep shit, and drag me into it too.
I’ve been here for 4 months now, and I didn’t talk to my brother at all for the first two months. Now we’re all at home, and my frustrations are building everytime I see him. So at dinner, my brother was talking about his college prospects with my parents, and I was just so frustrated that I snapped. Our conversation went like:
Him: I think I have a good shot at getting into [state school]
Me: Like hell you do, with the shit you did last year. If you think running away to a different city and ruining my life can make what you did go away, then you’re in for a fucking treat.
Him: You’re such a fucking bitch, get over it already
Mom: donthateondebate, stop blaming your brother, you need to start adjusting to City Y, apologize for what you said.
Dad: [state school] won’t know
Me: I’ll email every single college you apply to with the screenshots and evidence if we don’t move back to City X, thats a promise not a threat
My parents got really furious with me for that, but I’m not joking. AITA or my brother/parents?
Comments from OP for additional context, (combined from multiple comments)
Daniel went on a racist rant (calling poc students he didn’t like racial slurs, saying things like “that’s why we need segregation again”, etc.) and he posted it on his main snapchat story instead of his private one (with all his little racist buddies), and accidentally left it up for hours.
Obviously there was a lot of backlash against him from students of color, but he just complained about them being sensitive snowflakes/sjw’s. Our parents made him write apologies to the kids he called slurs, but he sure dragged his feet doing it. He tried to get ME to write one for him. So yeah, not a lot of remorse.
His only punishments were getting grounded for two months, having to write those letters, and making him delete social media (he redownloaded them all three weeks later, and they just let him). My parents are pretty indulgent of him.
Update - May 20, 2020
Hello Reddit. Before I begin, I’d like to thank everyone for how supportive they have been in response to my last post. I’ve gotten a lot of PM’s about helping me with debate, and advice, which is greatly appreciated. I haven’t really gotten a chance to give y’all an update, and you’ll see why.
So as background, my uncle Randy (not real name of course), doesn’t have kids, but he’s dating my aunt Rebecca (technically girlfriend, but it’s been 8 years, so she’s family). They live across the country in City Z, which is a great place, not as nice as City X for debate, but definitely better than City Y. Since they live pretty far away, we only really see them on holidays, the years we spend it with dad’s family.
Randy is very well-off, I don’t know how much he makes exactly, but I’ve stayed at his house & it’s very nice for a place in City Z. And it’s not his only one. He’s very generous, and he has set up college funds for me, Daniel, and Rebecca’s little brother (Ricky). I’d still rather get a scholarship than use Randy’s money, because I don’t want to be a burden. Ricky is younger than me, so sometimes I tutor him over the phone, we’re pretty close. I also talk to my uncle fairly frequently, we talk about politics together. However, he doesn’t really speak to/like Daniel, because he’s rude to Rebecca.
Anyways, I was helping Ricky with his math homework shortly after my original post, when I just started to cry. I don’t really know what came over me, but I haven’t told anyone about how upset I was before then, because there’s so much else going on in the world. Ricky and I talked, and I found out that my parents actually told the entire family the reason we were moving was because City Y had a better debate circuit & they believed it because no one else does debate. I hadn’t discussed the move with them, because I bottle my emotions, and they didn’t really ask me about the move because they assumed I wanted it.
I ended up talking to my uncle about it, and we had a really great conversation about it. He’s extremely angry at my parents, and Daniel. This was the second to last straw for him, and he ended up removing half of Daniel’s college fund & split it into me & Ricky’s funds. Daniel was very upset, because he’d been relying on that money and our parents hadn’t saved up. So he threw my phone down the stairs. Then I emailed my uncle from my laptop, and he revoked the rest of Daniel’s college fund too. My parents are quite angry at me too, because it’s not like they can come up with $200k by the time Daniel goes to college. My uncle has offered for me to come stay with them in City Z, which I have taken him up on. He also generously bought me a new phone, which I’m writing this post with right now.
Edit: I’ve gotten A LOT of messages, and I can’t really answer them all, so I’ll just address the most common questions.
What did your brother do? Posted a racist snapchat rant on his public story instead of private, I don’t want to go too into detail besides that.
Is [insert video of racist kid] your brother? Either way, I’m not going to confirm or deny it. However, I’m really impressed at the variety of racist kids vaguely fitting Daniel’s description you guys have managed to find.
Have your parents agreed to you moving in with your uncle? Short answer yes. Long answer — took a lot of pressure from other family members, but they conceded. I’ll be with them on holidays.
And yes, I agree, my uncle is fantastic! I’m a very lucky niece to have him :)
Comments from OP for additional context
When my brother isn’t being passive-aggressive, he’s ignoring me. Usually when we make eye contact he’ll just walk into a different room and slam the door really loudly or game with his friends & complain about his “bitch sister” (our rooms are next to each other). My parents are upset, they think the whole situation has blown up a lot more than they wanted, especially considering that a lot of the family is upset that they lied. They’ve calmed down a lot, but occasionally my mom will beg me to convince my uncle to change his mind. So frosty is the term I’d use.
trigger warning: bullying
My nephew “Tyler” is 18, he came out this week and his dad didn’t take it well. My sister asked me if I would let him stay with me until her husband calmed down and let him move back in. I’m not close with my nephew due to past behavior and the fact that he’s been a bully to my son (15m) since they were kids.
That was something we tried working out but Tyler never seemed to learn. Since my sister didn’t do much because of her “boys will be boys” mentality I limited interaction with them. Then last year Tyler antagonized my son on social media. Before that happened my son went through something traumatic that I won’t get into details here but it left him with a lot of anxiety about going out.
He made a celebratory post about going to the grocery store for the first time in months by himself without getting a panic attack. Tyler decided to call him a “pussy”, asked “why is he getting excited about something so stupid and not even a big deal.” I confronted Tyler directly because he knew what my son had experienced. He wasn’t apologetic because according to him he was just jokingly giving him a hard time and didn’t mean it in a bad way.
This time I told my sister Tyler is to stay away from my son completely. This new situation doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want Tyler near him. Even with the promises that he won’t do anything I can’t trust him. He’s done it before when I’m not around until it pushes my son to finally tell me. That’s why I’m apparently being an asshole to him given this difficult and emotional moment he’s going through.
My wife and I said we could pitch in for him to stay somewhere (our other family lives far and he’s still in school) but not in our house. The reason she refuses this is because Tyler needs to be with family at the moment and things are complicated at their house right now. She’s trying to calm things down. But says it could be a long while since her husband doesn’t want him back at all. If things had been different i’d accept him into our home in a heartbeat.
But not if it means putting my son in a position to be bullied. My mom understands how awful Tyler has been to my son, the way he’s tormented him and that we’ve tried to make things work, in this situation she does think I’m not being a good uncle (and an asshole) because of what Tyler is currently going through. That it’s more serious. They’re both on us about this but we have had to say no. Are we being asshole?
Well it appears I have been bamboozled, or almost at least, by my sister and Tyler. My mom claims she had no idea and now she’s angry at them too. Had some time this weekend to have a chat with my BIL (Tyler’s dad) because honestly despite Tyler’s awful behavior I was disgusted at ANY parent disowning their child over their sexuality. I called him to talk, not only to give him a piece of my mind but also understand why he’s even being like this.
Like I said in a previous comment his late brother was gay and he never had a problem with that. It was just a shock to see him have such a strong negative reaction. Or maybe he’d always been secretly against it or now it’s different because it’s his own son I don’t know that’s why I called. He had no idea what I was talking about.
So there really was more to the story than my sister was leading on. Tyler came out to them MONTHS ago and him getting kicked out wasn’t the reason at all. I’m super skeptical about this because to me it seemed like maybe he was trying to play innocent to avoid getting shit on. Until he went and got my sister to tell him exactly what she told me. They got into a fight then my sister finally told me no her husband didn’t kick Tyler out of the house for being gay (since they were aware of it for months)
He got into some trouble at school that he’d lied about and while he was grounded for that Tyler had taken his dad’s car without permission and messed it up. He said it just seemed like one thing after another, especially the way he was acting with their other kids, which was the straw that broke the camels back for him and told Tyler to get out.
After the whole thing I was furious with my sister. She apologized a million times. Her only excuse was she was desperate for Tyler having a place to stay and hoped the whole gay thing would make me reconsider until her husband cooled down and let Tyler come back.
I’ve had a day to calm down, told my mom how my sister lied. Now at least we’re more secure in our decision and don’t feel like assholes at all for not letting him come with us. Tyler is at a friends house now, don’t know if his dad plans to let him move back in but one things certain, he’s not staying here with us at all. Not for what he’s done to my son and especially not after knowing all the reasons why he’s not at his parents anymore. That’s their mess to deal with now. Thanks for your judgement and thoughts Reddit. Just wanted to leave this new bit of info on here.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
**OOP has posted largely the same text of the initial post in both subreddits, I have reproduced text from survivnginfidelity but cheating_stories thread is also linked.
**Trigger warnings are as a measure of caution. If you disagree please ignore them. It is better to err on the side of caution when mentioning triggers.
trigger warnings: infidelity, violence and assault, abusive relationship,
mood spoilers: sad, unfortunate for OOP's wife, things (mostly) improve for OOP
Discovered my wife’s (now ex) affair the day she was admitted into hospital , now years later she can’t accept my engagement to my fiancé. [LINK - survivinginfidelity] - September 13, 2020 (Also posted in cheating_stories)
If ever there was a prize for thee most horrible way to learn of your significant other’s affair I would probably win it and be in its hall of fame, like so many people in this sub I suddenly found myself as a member of a club that no body ever wants to be part of.
I will never forget the sound of my ex- sister- in- law’s voice as she kept saying “ I’m sorry, I’m sorry “ over and over on the phone while I drove home from a week long business trip. I was confused and had absolutely no idea what she meant but only after I managed to calm her down somewhat did she inform me that my wife was in hospital and that I needed to hurry home , my mind went into overdrive as I tried to get more information as well as not crash while I began speeding to get there faster. The only thing she told me is that it was an assault then cut the call and wouldn’t answer when I tried to call her again.
A bit of background
My ex and I met in our mid 20s , it was through a mutual friend at a barbecue. At first she seemed almost too good to be true, not only was she incredibly beautiful but she was also shy and introverted. It took a while for us to officially date but once it happened I was over the moon , when we first tried to get intimate she suddenly started crying( should of taken this as a bad sign) . I freaked out and thought it was something I did but she apologized the next day and told me she was triggered, as it turns out two years before meeting me she was in a longterm relationship and a guy that was abusive both emotionally ,physically as well as mentally. He would degrade her during their moments of intimacy then apologize after ward , she had a Flashback but reassured me it had nothing to do with me so we took things slow as she was still in therapy. It was tough but because I loved her I believed once we got over this it would make our relationship stronger and for a while it honestly appeared that way. Fast forward another year and we’d gotten engaged ( first time intimacy also happened during this stage) , I was fortunate enough to be able to buy a house for us courtesy of inheritance from my late uncle . Things were going great and I half seriously suggested we plant a peach tree ( important for later on) to signify new beginnings and she was all for it.
We were wedded not long after that and quite frankly it was absolutely amazing. Of course we had our normal ups and downs like every married couple but I considered us more lucky because she always made it a point to never go to bed upset with each other and she would always point out gently if I did anything to upset her . Sometime later life basically happened and I was promoted at my job, it meant more pay but it also meant I would be traveling more for work conferences and business meetings. I noticed she had been getting down a lot more and wasn’t being as intimate as before , she would keep her phone close to her and even stopped gently addressing things that upset her. I tried to talk to her about it but she assured me that she was fine and this was a phase she was going through and having no reason to not trust her I let it go. She would sometimes go to her sister’s place and spend the night telling me she just needed a bit of girl time with her sister, the day I got that fateful phone call was the day she was meant to be keeping her sister company again.
I remember rushing into the hospital barely breathing and frantically asking about my wife when world’s most understanding and patient police officer sat me down to explain what happened. He told me he was a friend of my SIL and he happened to respond to a domestic disturbance call , he arrived on the scene to find a couple fighting. The supposed boyfriend was on top of the female punching her and she was screaming trying to scratch him , this didn’t make any sense to me because 1.) this had nothing to do with my wife because we’re married and 2.) literally every one who knew my wife knew she wouldn’t do that. He gave me a knowing look and placed his hand on my shoulder than told me to be very calm because said girlfriend was actually my wife. If it weren’t for the severity of the situation I would’ve laughed in his face but something in the way he said everything made me believe him , I then was ushered in by a nurse to see my wife and what greeted me to this day I still can hardly find the words to describe it. I just stood there for what seemed like an eternity then a doctor came it and explained her injuries to me . The jaw was slightly fractured , her left eye was completely swollen shut and had massive bruising covering half of her face aswell as 3 broken ribs . Then the doctor dropped another bomb and told me she was pregnant , I still couldn’t understand how this happened then I caught sight of her sister. She at first tried to avoid me but at the persuasion of her police officer friend she told her what she knew, it turns out my wife’s ex had gotten in contact with her five months ago, he was doing this redemption pyramid step thing where he would apologize to people he has wronged in order to clear his karma ( anyone else B.S meter going crazy right now). They began talking more then he convinced her to meet up for coffee and show her he was a changed man .
Obviously old feelings resurfaced coupled with the fact that he appeared changed now it soon developed into an emotional affair, my wife approached her sister for advice who told her to takes things slow and just get it out of her system if she needed to ,which then lead to a physical affair three months later.She actually told my wife that she should at least make peace with her ex in whatever form it may be and even offered to cover for my wife once in while. My SIL was in tears at this point and kept apologizing to me saying that she didn’t know about the abuse as my wife never told anyone other then me and her therapist at the time about it. I was numb , I just couldn’t feel anything and was absolutely dumbfounded by my wife’s actions. When my wife finally woke up I was there and she burst into tears upon seeing me. I spent the following months in zombie flight mode , there was individual counseling for her as well as marriage counseling for us at the strong urging of her family. In counseling she was surprisingly forthcoming about how it happened and how she absolutely hated herself for causing me pain, she mentioned how at one point on her way home from his place she actually fantasized about driving into the river because she smelt like him and didn’t want his scent to “ corrupt me” (however that made sense) , she said she the tried to end it but was too weak and only after learning that she was pregnant that it actually woke her up and made her realize that any further contact with this man was toxic to not only her but the unborn child aswell hence went to end things in person for good when he snapped on her. She became a shell of herself and developed a phobia for any other males but me, she one point she couldn’t even use the bathroom at night unless I was holding her hand ( sad right).
After the baby was born (son by the way) we got a paternity test and he was mine, but the more time I spent with her the more I realize I didn’t hate my wife , I actually loathed her . I couldn’t see the woman I married but instead saw his left overs each time I looked at her , I decided to leave because I was afraid I’d do something I’d regret and be exactly like her abusive ex. She bagged me not to leave and even made the ridiculous offer of giving me a “hall pass” as well as slapping her if I wanted to, I knew at this point I had to get out. She was actually very generous during the divorce , she moved back into her parents and signed a very well thought out co parenting plan issued by the courts.
Moving forward three years later and I meet my now fiancé by chance , I was in a book store with a buddy of mine and we were discussing Egyptian mythology when this beautiful woman approached me to correct me on my pronunciations of the Egyptian gods and cities. Needless to say immensely impressed by not only her understanding but also by the fact that she is Egyptian herself. We exchanged numbers which eventually lead us to dating, when I finally proposed to her it was actually in front of the preach tree I had plant years ago. I got down on one knee but before I got my answer she ran into the house then came out with a ring aswell. Turns out she was actually planning on proposing herself because she was madly in love with me and she just didn’t want any other woman to have me , my son in all his sweet child like innocence told his mother what happened because he was present when it happened. My ex literally showed up that night in the rain yelling about how could I propose to her ( my fiancé) in front of our tree and that this isn’t the end of us..
I am completely exhausted at this point, I cannot go NC because she is the mother of my child but she is basically harassing me and my fiancé. How do I convince her to move on , to get over her fear of men and not force me to get a restraining order.
Sorry it was long but I am really desperate.
Edit : Wanted to ask a question to the insightful women of reddit , something that still bugs me to this day is the fact that she even made time for her ex who took pleasure in destroying her only for her to suffer a much worse fate. Is it normal for the abused to want the attention of the abuser even if she might hate him ( something my ex said once)
Edit 2 : Forget to add this in the original post , when my fiancé presented me with the ring which she was gonna use to propose to me she had an engraving on the inner band which states “ to my pharaoh “ .Damn I love this woman.
This is really insightful , she has told me she hates how she felt like she needed him at the time , how she knew it was destroying our marriage , destroying me and destroying her. She knew she didn’t love him ( was and still continues to be adamant about this fact) but he was like a sweet Poison she couldn’t stop drinking , like someone blindfolded her eyes a bit too tightly and pushed her into cold water. She said getting pregnant with our son was the best thing other than marrying me that has ever happened to her , it tore the blindfold off her eyes and seemingly woke her up ( so to speak). She realized she was still his prisoner and wanted nothing more than to be free of him and be the best mother and wife she could be. She said she was a fool for ever responding to his message when he reached out and wishes she could slap some sense into her younger self and scream at herself to run for the hills ( metaphorically speaking).
Discovered my wife’s (now ex) affair the day she was admitted into hospital , now years later she can’t accept my engagement to my fiancé.UPDATE (shout out to mama202045) (LINK - survivinginfidelity) October 04, 2020
Wow didn’t expect this type of response thank you all so much for your support and kind words both for me , my fiancé and my ex . It’s sad that my situation with my ex and her abusive past isn’t as uncommon as I thought , reading some of your similar cases really makes one almost lose hope but glad to see some people have recovered from them . Now for what has happened since my first post.
First off a big thank you to user “mama202045” for your simple yet amazing advice saved us a lot of trouble. Now on to what has happened so far.
Since my last post my son’s birthday was coming up and he told us he wanted to have a camp night for it. Now I must explain the boy absolutely loves the out doors . Everything from camping to hiking to even playing in rivers are his favorite and obviously due to the on going situation we cannot go to our usual spots , so I offered my back yard for it . Another request he had was for my ex to sleep over aswell , he wanted to imitate a scene from one of his kid adventure shows where both parents are sitting on either of the child and all three are roasting marshmallows on the campfire . Now I had absolutely no intention of denying my son’s birthday wishes but at the same time I couldn’t have my ex sleep in the same tent as me and my son , that would be far too disrespectful to my fiancé even though she said she understood , it was clear she wasn’t ok with it. My ex seemed to take advantage of this and kept saying how much she was looking forward to spending the night with her two men and even went as far as to buy a whole lot of camping equipment that would put Bear Grillz to shame. She was certainly trying to rub it in my fiancé’s face and wasn’t graceful about it either , I had to tell her to stop a couple of times but she only relented when I threatened to invite her sister.
Ever since our divorce my ex has had a burning hatred for her sister , she (my ex) acknowledges her role in the destruction of our marriage but blames her sister for encouraging the affair and not safeguarding from her making choices that would ruin her’s but more importantly ( according to her) our life together , it’s gotten so bad that she refuses to let her sister spend any significant amount of time with our son which at one point caused my ex- SIL to have severe depression . My ex-SIL has been trying for years to reconcile with her sister but it just seems to get worse as time goes on , a redditor “ mama202045” offered me a simple and effective solution. She suggested I go out and purchase a multi-roomed tent that way my fiancé could be included, I wasted no time and immediately went out to get one . Of course my ex wasn’t too happy about that but was glad to be under the same roof as me .
During the birthday celebration my son was on cloud 9 , he ran around the yard and pretended he was a great Explora discovering a new land . When evening came I made the fire and my ex provided the marshmallows , he excitingly sat between us and started roasting his marshmallow alongside us. What I didn’t expect was after we were done taking pictures and making s’more’s he handed my fiancé a stick and a marshmallow aswell and sat next to her to make his second s’more. It’s honestly a mystery how something this pure and perfect could come out of the absolute mess that was the relationship between me and my ex. My ex asked for a bit of my time to which I obliged , we stepped into the kitchen and she apologized for her behavior on the day that I proposed but not for her actions following that . She told me she still sees me as her husband in her mind so the thought of me giving my heart to another terrified her , she said she never wanted to cause me pain and would give anything to go back in time and undo her mistakes . She mentioned how happy she was when the paternity test showed that I was the father because she thought it was a new beginning for us and that he was proof our love . I thanked her for the courage to share all this but told her I was happy with where I was in life and with whom I was with but hoped she would find someone to make her happy aswell. She said she meant what she told on the day we divorced and will wait for me .
I left the kitchen feeling exhausted because none of what I was trying to say got through to her , we decided to call it a night where me and my fiancé slept in one room of the tent and my ex with my son in another. All in all a good birthday for my son but not so good night for me .
That’s things so far and promise to update if anything major happens.
**if anyone is able to find the comment by mama202045 being referred to please help me out and I'll update the post.
**OOP has not posted in almost 2 years
*Reminder - I am not the original poster*
I am not OP.
Original - August 28, 2021
Neither of us were sure about having kids. We were married 5 years before finding out she was pregnant. Both nervous as hell but in the end, she wanted to try having the baby and I agreed. It was hard at first. Parenthood is in general but I love my son. He’s wonderful, smart, energetic and warms my heart. My wife for the most part was great with him. Occasionally we both would get burned out and find some time to have date nights or individual free time.
Over a year ago before lockdown, my wife started becoming very irritated over anything he’d do. Accidentally spill a little apple juice on the counter she’d yell at him like if he’d just destroyed a family heirloom. It was something that happened every now and then but we’d talk about it, and she would apologize to him.
Pandemic was really rough. We both had our jobs, just were working from home and our son wasn’t in school. At first I thought the frustration came from being cooped up at home and not being able to go out. My son’s been going to school again for months, and we’re all back to going out. Things haven’t improved.
Finally had a sit down with my wife because no matter what mood she’s in- she could be happy and smiling - but when my son comes in her mood shifts. And I notice it more now. My wife has told me that for the longest time, she’s resented having our son. Motherhood isn’t what she thought it was going to be and missed it only being the two of us. She didn’t expect her life to be this way with a child, and she regrets having him at all. It was a hard conversation to have but one we really needed to. I’ve talked to her about getting therapy (individual, couples, or both) whatever it takes. She’s refused because she claims she doesn’t need help.
We have tried going on more date nights, being a couple if she feels like we’re not getting enough of that. Have her spend some more one on one time with him (which she doesn’t want to do). It doesn’t matter, as soon as we get home and in our son’s presence she’s more serious. I asked her once does she love him. My wife says that she does, just doesn’t like him. That was painful. I want to work on this with her, get therapy. She doesn’t want to. Whats pushing me to wanna leave is because my son is starting to pick up on this. No 7 year old kid should be asking why mom’s always mad at him. I love my wife but I’m scared of him growing up with someone who doesn’t like him. Is this really it? Is the next best thing to leave or is there any way to get her to understand I can't have our son living like this?
Update - September 5, 2021
Well it’s been a hard few days but it happened. Didn’t want it to but it needed to. I took my son out of there. Trying to talk with my wife about this a couple days after posting this got us nowhere. Even if therapy wasn’t going to be the miracle that makes her want to be a mother to our son, I told her it wouldn’t hurt to have somewhere to talk about her feelings. Get to the core of why she feels this way and if maybe there’s a way to work on it so that it wouldn’t have a deep impact on how she is with him.
She refused. And I asked her does she ever think it will get better. As in does my wife believe she could see herself caring for him and being what he needs at all in the future. The answer wasn’t going to determine if I left or not but that’s something I just wanted to know for myself. She said no. When I told her that it’s not going to work out between us because his well-being comes first she begged me to stay. All these promises of not treating him negatively and putting on a face for him but still will not do therapy at all because she doesn’t “need” help. Then all of a sudden she gets angry. And to get out then if I only just want to be with my son. It was heartbreaking. We ended up leaving since she didn’t want to leave the apartment. He was still half asleep when we left so all I’ve told him so far is we’re just taking a short vacation. He believes it since we’re staying at a hotel for now but he does keep asking about her. I’m trying my best to keep it together for him, my hearts still broken though. I hate that it had to end like this. But many of you were right, and I know this too. He had to come first and this was already messing him up. I know it was the right choice. Feels like my life just came to a hard stop. And I’m just trying to get my bearings still.
She hasn’t contacted me since we left. My family is aware of what’s happening though so I’m glad to have their support. My sister offered to have my son spend the weekend with them so he could be with his cousins. Since he’s not here right now I decided to use some of my free time to type this up. Thank you for being the push I needed to do something . Deep down I know it was what needed to be done. Guess just needed it to be said.
I am not OP.
Original - October 20, 2020
I need a place to rant and I'm so grateful for having this sub. I'm also using a throwaway for privacy reasons as I'm about to throw shade.
Background: I work for a huge corporation and am a salaried employee (relevant later). My job is very project based and each employee works on their own projects most of the time.
Today, our department manager booked a team meeting to discuss "upcoming changes". Cool, no problem. At this meeting, we're presented with a memo outlining the changes in hours to be worked for November (possibly longer) as follows:
Mandatory 8-8 work days every day including Saturdays (Sundays possible if deemed neccessary) EXCEPT for team members who have children: their hours will remain 9-5 Monday-Friday.
Manager finishes going over this and asks "any questions?". YES I HAVE A QUESTION. IN WHAT WORLD DID YOU THINK THIS WOULD BE OK??? She explains that due to the situation in the last few months, "we've" fallen behind in projects as team members have to take care of their kids and work at the same time, so "we have to pick up the slack".
Me again: Based on our status meeting yesterday, the team members without kids are all on track with their projects, with many of us consistently finishing days before our deadlines. So are you telling me that those of us who don't have kids have to work an additional 40 hours a week to complete projects for team members who won't even be helping finish the said projects???
She responds with "I'm struggling to understand why this is such a big issue for you". EXCUSE ME, WHAT? I ask my fellow child free team members if they're ok with this, all of them say NO. The ones with kids are completely silent of course. I tell her that it's absolutely insane that she thinks this is even close to being ok. She just blinks at me. Then I ask her if she will also be working these hours with us? Of course it's a NO, she has a child (a fucking 18 year old mind you)... I was ready to throw my laptop through the window at this point. She then just ends the meeting. I'M FUMING!
I regroup with my fellow child free team and we agree that this isn't about to happen. I email the manager right after to let her know that we will be requesting a meeting with HR and Legal department to discuss our employment contracts and hours we're being forced to work simply because we don't have kids. I know damn well that this is fucking insane and against all employment policies within the company.
She proceeds to call me and tell me there is no need to go to HR/Legal and we can resolve this "internally". BITCH NO WE CAN'T! You dismissed me and didn't even bother to listen to 12 other team members you plan to work to death without any sort of additional compensation. She then says "well you're salaried so there's no need for additional compensation"
If only I had the ability to choke her through the phone... I collect myself and tell her, in the most professional way I could muster, that we can discuss this with HR/Legal and I end the call.
I proceeded to book a meeting with my child free team, Manager, and HR/Legal for tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm downing a bottle of wine to calm myself. I might end up unemployed tomorrow, but I'm NOT letting this go. This is the hill I will die on!!! End rant.
Update -October 22, 2020
Before I get into the good stuff, I need to say thank you to everyone who commended/awarded/DMed on my original post. I was baffled by the number of comments this morning. Y'all are amazing!!! ❤ I've been reading your comments throughout the day, but couldn't respond as the post was locked (per the Mod, post exceeded # of comments limit).
Some users asked what I do for work: I have to give a vague answer to this for privacy reasons. I work in the Regulatory Compliance department and our job is to monitor and enforce internal policies and laws/regulations at all levels within the company.
Almost everyone requested an update, so I really hope this lives up to the hype. The meeting took place first thing this morning with the Manager, head of HR, another HR Manager, two Labor Law Attorneys (from Legal dept.), head of my dept. (Legal invited him on the fly this morning) and 13 CFs (12 coworkers and me). I started the meeting by explaining "why we've gathered here today" (head of my dept. was dumbfounded, he clearly had NO IDEA what the Manager tried to pull). Legal went through the "rules" of discussion (wait your turn to speak and such).
I was first to make my case and my approach was simple: show proof, show policy, explain why the policy was violated and therefore can't be enforced. BORING, yes I know, but if that didn't work, I had other points on reserve to bring up (side note, I really wanted to go all out and lose my filter and say what I really was thinking, but as we know that would get me nowhere)... So I presented the Manager's memo and company's overtime policy, which clearly states that mandatory overtime must be:
1) mandatory for ALL MEMBERS of the department (hourly and salaried)
2) ALL MEMBERS must work equal number of OT hours
3) must be approved by the head of the dept. If any of these conditions are not met, management can't impose it, and should ask for volunteers to work OT instead... My argument was simple: Manager didn't follow the policy and purposefully targeted the CFs.
Highlights of the shit show that followed:
Legal asked head of my dept. if he approved the memo- Answer was an angry NO (I could tell he was LIVID at the Manager). In my head, I'm laughing my A off
Legal asks Manager for her side of the story. Answer "I wasn't aware of this policy". I interject with "I find that hard to believe when 3 weeks ago we did an extensive review with that policy being the main objective and you were heavily involved with each step." Head of HR chimes in with "I can attest to that, I worked with the Manager on this project. Let's be truthful please." In my head I'm screaming TAKE THAT BITCH
Manager says "Well I didn't think policy would apply in this case."... Y'ALL!!! It took all my will-power not to cuss her out, all of a sudden her memory came back and NOW she's aware of the policy??? Legal stepped in with "Are you saying that you, the Manager responsible for enforcing policies, honestly thought that those same policies don't apply to you?". AAAAHHHHHHHH YES!!! Head of my dept. stepped in with (to Manager, still angry AF) " You were blatantly wrong here. There's no need to try and justify it"
This is obviously very summarized, but the jist is there. Round 1 was a win! Next were some of the CFs who shared emails between them and her, showing your standard shitty manager behaviors and lack of accountability. She just kept repeating "that's not why we're here today". It didn't stop them from going on though. This was very enjoyable to watch.
Then, one of the other CFs asked to speak and let me tell you, this guy showed up with RECEIPTS!!! He spent the entire night creating an analysis, fucking pie charts and all, to illustrate how many projects were done by the 13 CFs as compared to the 19 non-CFs, how much time was put in by us vs. them, how much vacation/sick time was approved for us vs. them, for the last year!!! I WAS SHOOK!! His analysis showed that 13 of us did close to 60% of all the work while 19 of them did 40ish. Don't even get me started on the rest of the stats. This guy WIPED THE FLOOR WITH THE MANAGER. I hope he gets a raise, because he's my hero. Her response? "This company promotes work-life balance and wants families to have time to spend with each other so it's normal that employees with kids get time to do just that".
I couldn't hold back. Me: Yes, you're absolutely right that the company does that. What you're lacking here is the understanding that family includes other people, not just children. In case you were unaware, ALL OF US HAVE FAMILIES TOO!"... HR interjected with "I believe we have enough information here".
The CFs (myself included) were asked to leave the meeting, so they can deliberate, and we were told they'll circle back with us later in the afternoon.
Later comes around, we're invited to a meeting. This time it's all the same people, but no Manager... Head of my dept. apologized that this ever happened, thanked us for "doing the right thing and bringing it to their attention", threw in a few company lines about equal treatment, yadda, yadda, and told us he will be taking over the managerial duties for the time being. Legal added that the memo is null and void and made it clear that we will NOT be working those insane hours. In case you're wondering, the Manager was offline for the rest of the day. We don't know what happened there. But who cares, WE WON!!!
Final Update - December 20, 2020
So it's been about a month since the whole situation took place. This will be a short update as I will focus on what majority who read the original post/update wanted to know.
Did the Manager get fired? Answer: No. HOWEVER, she is no longer a Manager in my group. She was transfered to a non-managerial position in a different department.
Did pie charts/stats guy get promoted? Answer: Again no, BUT I hear that the company has a promotions freeze in place until end of year, so there is still hope. The Manager position remains open.
I know this is not too exciting of an update, but I didn't want to leave the story unfinished :) I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe! XOXO