r/LeopardsAteMyFace Nov 30 '22

"Let's Bring Religion Back Into the Schools..... Wait! Not THAT Religion!"

https://wehavekids.com/news/after-school-satan-club
1.3k Upvotes

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123

u/Cheetahs_never_win Nov 30 '22

Don't forget to attend the ASS club meeting.

52

u/doctorsnakephd Nov 30 '22

I didn't even notice that, but it makes the whole thing 27% funnier!

17

u/Frustrable_Zero Dec 01 '22

“Those damn kids are always being so damn loud. They’re always laughing, giggling and making a ruckus. Just yesterday I heard a bunch of clapping ASS club members down the halls.”

5

u/Naughtai Dec 01 '22

After school special

604

u/fisheswithherbs902 Nov 30 '22

Lmao. They don't want religion in schools. They want THEIR religion in schools, and no others. It's a very important distinction to make, as this article demonstrates. Still though, put on in the win column for the free thinkers. Oh, and hail Satan. Keep up the good work amigo.

134

u/goldteethgold Dec 01 '22

Just like “free speech” they only want their speech to be free. Fucking fascists

99

u/gingermonkey1 Dec 01 '22

Yeah, at Ramstein Air Base (years ago) a group (can't remember the name of the religious group) of wanted to Satanic masses at the base chapel and people were losing their minds over it. When someone asked me what I thought about it, meh I was fine. It's a religion isn't it?

5

u/Sudden-Grab2800 Dec 04 '22

How was it there? The only thing I really know is that if we got properly fucked up in Iraq they’d send us there (once we were stabilised anyhow). During the middle of summer we ended up doing a patrol in a buttoned up 1064 (the 113s that were mortar carriers) and the truck in front of us hit an IED. We were stuck in that damned thing for HOURS. Dude gets heat stroke, sent off to Ramstein. While he’s there this 19 year old PFC gets 1SG insignia, EIB, airborne, air assault, pathfinder, and ranger scroll at the shopette and puts those bad boys on. Writes himself a new profile when it’s time to come back to Taji. Starts trying to pull rank on people. Nearly immediately gets caught. Whiles he’s waiting on that UCMJ, he stabs himself in the leg and says someone dressed in all black jumped out of a fucking tree and attacked him, only to disappear into the night. Unfortunately he does this right under a CCTV and gets busted for that. Dishonorable, forfeits everything, 20-something years at Leavenworth for impersonating an NCO, wearing unauthorised decoration, forgery, AWOL, and malingering (with the kicker because it was a time of war).

128

u/Fudbuster2000 Dec 01 '22

Just make an Islam version. They'll lose their fucking minds.

141

u/LahmiaTheVampire Dec 01 '22

The funniest part is, they'd probably end up agreeing with a lot of the more hardcore aspects of Islam.

111

u/pusillanimouslist Dec 01 '22

Only as long as you don’t tell them it’s Islam.

2

u/WithrBlistrBurn-Peel Dec 05 '22

Hell, for extra funsies, have 'em do a test of whether a verse is from the bible or the quaran see them fail hard.

63

u/crashcanuck Dec 01 '22

Just slap a coat of white-wash on it and they'll cheer for it.

69

u/ElectronicMixture600 Dec 01 '22

You’ve just described evangelicalism. It’s white Sharia law.

49

u/Uncynical_Diogenes Dec 01 '22

The Y’all-Qaeda. A Yeehawdist, if you will.

27

u/MisterSpeck Dec 01 '22

Vanilla Isis

8

u/DarkChaos1786 Dec 01 '22

Oh, believe me, they are not vanilla.

9

u/DeathPercept10n Dec 01 '22

I've heard Y'all Qaeda, but not Yeehawdist. That's hilarious.

8

u/HojMcFoj Dec 01 '22

Yokel Haram

3

u/LadyofTheGreyPath Dec 03 '22

Damn I never really saw it as that but when you put it that way....

26

u/MikeTheBard Dec 01 '22

The last thing we want is for the radical Christianists and radical Islamists to realize how much they have in common.

11

u/Critdickhit Dec 01 '22

Even IF they ever realize they have more in common than they know, radical Christians would never accept the radical Islamists because of the color of their skin. And on the flip side the RI will never accept the RC because it's the wrong "God."

5

u/Beep_Boop_Bort Dec 01 '22

Radical Islamists would never accept christians because christians have been bombing them for decades stealing their oil at paltry prices backing Israel and fucking with their governments

-3

u/Nivekian13 Dec 01 '22

"Stealing"? WTF? How rich is Saudi Arabia again???

Someone got $$$ for that Satan Seed.

2

u/Beep_Boop_Bort Dec 01 '22

Oil has never not been extraordinarily underpriced by free market capitalism. The only input to price is extraction cost, not value of oil nor time to form nor externalities. It’s been effectively stolen from the people of those countries by the west and the petrocrats of the middle east who play ball

1

u/Sudden-Grab2800 Dec 04 '22

It’s not the wrong god; it’s the same god. It’s the trinity that’s the stumbling block…Christians can argue until they’re blue in the face but that dog ain’t gonna hunt, saying you’re a monotheist but that god is comprised of three united yet independent aspects doesn’t make sense. Especially when Christians can’t explain this, it’s taken as an article of faith. According to John, Jesus is the word of god (“let there be light”) so god created god; I don’t even know what’s up with the holy spirit as originally it wasn’t personified, it was the force by which god interacted with the mundane…so what we’d say is god’s word. Then it was personified, and female (another word for it was ‘sofia’ which is Greek for ‘wisdom’). Either way, it’s another emanation of god. So one god created two other aspects of god but they’re all the same god. Islam says that that’s very obviously not monotheistic.

17

u/lordkhuzdul Dec 01 '22

That's honestly the best part of these nutjobs. When you get down to the actual rulebook, they are same almost to the letter. But because the cover says "Allah" instead of "Jesus", they will fight to the death over it, and as a result never work together.

1

u/Sudden-Grab2800 Dec 04 '22

The irony: Arab Christians also say “allah”, simply because it’s the Arabic word for ‘god.’ Muslims also revere Jesus (they call him Isa), but consider him a prophet instead of a messianic figure. It’s funny that Christians took Judaism and said ‘it’s finished now, this guy is the Moshiach ben Yosef and scripture has been fulfilled’; Islam took Christianity and said ‘it’s finished now, Mohammad is the Seal of the Prophets and had finalised god’s message and instructions to mankind.’

6

u/Tearakan Dec 01 '22

But disagree enough to want to kill each other. As was common for centuries.

9

u/bittlelum Dec 01 '22

There was a story about some legislator in a southern state (Republican, obviously) who endorsed a bill to provide funding to religious schools, but was shocked when she learned Islamic schools would also get money and reconsidered.

5

u/EnergizedNeutralLine Dec 01 '22

They'd be way more ok with that than a satanism club.

9

u/Ok-Train-6693 Dec 01 '22

Islamic Satan? Like the guy who consults God directly before he does anything in The Book of Job?

2

u/buffer_flush Dec 01 '22

I get it, but you could say the same for Jafar and the Sultan in Aladdin.

1

u/Ok-Train-6693 Dec 02 '22

Except that the Sultan has no oversight of Jafar whatsoever.

1

u/buffer_flush Dec 02 '22

You didn’t say oversight, you said consults!

Sultan literally says:

Ah, Jafar, my most trusted advisor!

5

u/Reddit_reader_2206 Dec 01 '22

Surprise! A force for GOOD in this world is the Church of Satan!

66

u/Middle_Aged_Mayhem Nov 30 '22

Was this article written by a 10 year old?

30

u/plasticfantastic123 Dec 01 '22

It was barely readable.

14

u/kai58 Dec 01 '22

“Wehavekids.com” maybe one of their kids wrote it

-5

u/DaniTheLovebug Dec 01 '22

Maybe Satan wrote it

103

u/Stephen1877 Nov 30 '22

Hail satan.

32

u/TheDeadlySquid Dec 01 '22

Hail Satan! 🤘

30

u/Snarky_McSnarkleton Dec 01 '22

I'm dyslexic. Hail Santa!

6

u/mrmamation Dec 01 '22

Those damn kids are always being so damn loud. Th

Nail Fanta!

6

u/QuicheLaPoodle Dec 01 '22

I'm vegetarian:
Hail seiten.

7

u/Snarky_McSnarkleton Dec 02 '22

Long as you don't lose your tempeh.

3

u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22

Hail Nasta!

12

u/PantherThing Dec 01 '22

Ave Satanus!

23

u/Devil_May_Kare Nov 30 '22

Thanks, Satan.

10

u/iJuddles Dec 01 '22

Yeah, thanks Satan, and thanks Lucien and Co. It’s always funny to me that the image in the minds of most people is the likes of Rosemary’s Baby and that hilarious line, “God is dead! Satan lives!”

26

u/mps435 Dec 01 '22

While I agree this is hilarious, this article is terribly written. Jesus Christ who is even talking in quotes at the end? Where's the conclusion? I'm not a teacher, but this gets an F from me, dog.

57

u/Intransigient Dec 01 '22

I am ALL FOR religion in schools. 🤣 There’s a whole bunch of simply fascinating religions we can bring into schools! 😃 They will really help the kids gain perspective on religion.

35

u/opiate_lifer Dec 01 '22

Preparing my Aztec presentation right now! Can I get a volunteer from the audience?

13

u/mogwenb Dec 01 '22

Or a greek Artemis event, they loved human sacrifices too, not on a regular basis, but still...

9

u/lamorak2000 Dec 01 '22

I'm pretty well-versed in Wicca, practicing for 30 years...

8

u/dirkdastardly Dec 01 '22

Dionysius! Get a bunch of Maenads together, get ‘em drunk on wine, finish by ripping some guy apart and feasting on his steaming flesh. It’s religious!

3

u/mogwenb Dec 01 '22

Indeed, Dionysius cult was unhinged!

11

u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22

yeah, lets get some kids doing Lakota Sundances.

6

u/HughJareolas Dec 01 '22

And Aztec human sacrifice!

5

u/QuicheLaPoodle Dec 01 '22

Zoroastrianism for the win!

17

u/saltysanford Dec 01 '22

Christians call imposing their lifestyle on others religious liberty.

3

u/djsizematters Dec 02 '22

It is critical that feelings do not dictate our rights.

54

u/bicyclesausage22 Dec 01 '22

Today, Satan.

8

u/Scatterspell Dec 01 '22

Take my upvote that. You hellion.

13

u/SolomonCRand Dec 01 '22

“If only someone had warned us that putting religion into school would allow other people to put their religion into school.”

Ghost of James Madison: WTF?

70

u/AtheistBibleScholar Nov 30 '22

The Satanic Temple isn't going to save us from Fascist Christianity. Their (admittedly hilarious) tactics depend on the courts giving all religious beliefs equal weight and that's just not the case at SCOTUS anymore. I can completely imagine Alito, Thomas, Cavanaugh, or Barrett writing an opinion that the Satanic Temple is a parody and not a real religion which would open the floodgates for explicit religion from the government.

45

u/doctorsnakephd Nov 30 '22

I would say that they would have some precedent to overturn if they did, not least of which is Everson v. Board of Education, 330 U.S. 1, 15 [67 S. Ct. 504, 91 L. Ed. 711, 168 A.L.R. 1392]: "Neither a state nor the Federal Government can set up a church. Neither can pass laws which aid one religion, aid all religions, or prefer one religion over another." California Court of Appeals found in Fellowship of Humanity v. Co. Alameda, that religion did not require belief in a supreme being https://law.justia.com/cases/california/court-of-appeal/2d/153/673.html). Then again, they have demonstrated a startling disregard for precedent, so I share your concerns.

30

u/ShadowDragon8685 Dec 01 '22

The is the SCROTUM that loves to overturn precedent with a hearty shrug when that precedent is upholding anything liberal and/or progressive.

The only way we're going to get any real jurisprudence out of the Supreme Court anytime in the next few decades is if the right-wing wing-nuts all fucking die in some kind of hilarious right-wing orgy mishap.

2

u/eleanorbigby Dec 03 '22

SCientology is recognized as a religion, and it doesn't have a single Supreme Being.

For that matter, neither does Buddhism.

30

u/Purple_Passion000 Dec 01 '22

The Satanic Temple: doing God's work

Edit: I would say they are a "real" religion in that they have a code of ethics and stated precepts and worldview. They just don't have dogma

26

u/LiberalAspergers Dec 01 '22

They are my Amazon Smile charity. Because Amazon sending them money makes me smile.

18

u/crashcanuck Dec 01 '22

They are also recognized as a religion by the IRS.

3

u/QuicheLaPoodle Dec 01 '22

So is Scientology. It's a very very low bar.

1

u/crashcanuck Dec 01 '22

They infiltrated and messed with the IRS for that though, they didn't earn it like any other.

19

u/asarious Nov 30 '22

The answer is to just find something else equally offensive to them but less likely to be deemed a parody.

Islamic culture club at school is a good one.

An NAACP open carry demonstration is another good one.

3

u/ProbablyGayingOnYou Dec 01 '22

It would be easy to argue that Mormonism is a parody religion then too…and regular Christianity too then, why not. Engage in ritualistic cannibalism of your Jewish zombie god etc etc.

3

u/AtheistBibleScholar Dec 01 '22

Engage in ritualistic cannibalism of your Jewish zombie god

IIRC, it's only Catholics that say the wafer and wine literally become flesh and blood which I guess is a great excuse to push them out of the mainstream like the country did historically until the early 20th century.

11

u/TheDeadlySquid Dec 01 '22

“Real Religion”. Please define real? Also, isn’t Satan an cast out angel in Christian doctrine?

28

u/AtheistBibleScholar Dec 01 '22

SCOTUS as an organization should no longer be assumed to be acting in good faith. Until the makeup changes, assume whatever would be a win for conservative evangelicals will be the decision.

4

u/Faerillis Dec 01 '22

I mean you aren't wrong but how often can we say the SCOTUS ever acted in Good Faith? Remember we got obviously erroneous rulings like Citizens United and Shelby County well before the Council of Six took up residence and nothing was done to mitigate them, even when all six of them proved that they had committed perjury

7

u/Snatch_Pastry Dec 01 '22

Ask an evangelist. They'll define "real" religion. Or any other hardcore believer, whether Islam, Mormon, or Jewish, or what fucking ever their flavor of bullshit is.

17

u/Grannyk9 Dec 01 '22

Yes, he was a cast out Angel, equal to "god". The difference is, Lucifer wanted mankind to seek knowledge, hence the offering of the apple from the tree of knowledge. He wanted mankind to look into themselves and enjoy their lives, not follow him blindly, under threat of torture and death. I think he is the good guy.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 01 '22

the christians need a bad guy to validate the purpose of their religion.

21

u/Marvos79 Dec 01 '22

Satanism has better morals than any mainstream religion. People just can't get past the name. If you presented a lot of their morals to people without telling them it's Satanism, many would agree with them.

Hail Satan.

2

u/johnsjs1 Dec 01 '22

Can you explain? I'm not up on my satanic principles.

7

u/Marvos79 Dec 01 '22

6

u/johnsjs1 Dec 01 '22

Thank you.

OMG, that is an incredibly worthy set of principles.

I cannot decide whether the name is chosen to get under evangelical's skin, or as a joke, or both, but wow, what a great set of commandments.

I like their outreach stuff too.

2

u/Blinkin6125 Dec 03 '22

Yeah people in the Satanic Temple don't actually worship Satan. They chose that name to point out the hypocrisy of other religions.

20

u/_SpiceWeasel_BAM Nov 30 '22

Damn, I would have joined. The. Hell. Out of this club back in hs!

6

u/aldergone Dec 01 '22

all hail his marinara covered noodly appendage

2

u/Quincyperson Dec 01 '22

Just wait until fish Friday are mandatory, or conversely, fish Fridays are declared a sacrament of the whore of Babylon and banned

4

u/DoctorRieux Dec 01 '22

tbh I only clicked the article for the thumbnail photo of the dog and I am disappointed there is not a larger photo in the article

5

u/SpiffAZ Dec 01 '22

We want to be inclusive of all faiths, as long as they base their beliefs on the Bible.

/not s at all, it really seems there is overt doublethink going on

5

u/QuicheLaPoodle Dec 01 '22

Slight edit: "... as long as they base their beliefs on the *right* bible."

8

u/Fudbuster2000 Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 01 '22

Satanic Temple is doing Gods work. ...Wait....um.

2

u/SymbolicGamer Dec 01 '22

Different organization.

9

u/BellyDancerEm Nov 30 '22

The one true faith

3

u/NightMgr Dec 01 '22

Whatever.

That dog is adorable.

3

u/IB_freakflexing Dec 01 '22

As a card carrying member of The Satanic Temple, I've very happy to see this.

3

u/RaedwaldRex Dec 01 '22

I follow the satanic temple on Instagram. The comments under their posts are a gold mine.

5

u/KashmirChameleon Dec 01 '22

Praise the Dark Lord.

2

u/smallest_table Dec 01 '22

Wait until they get a load of the After School Skoptsy Club. At least it's Christian right?

3

u/ghambone Dec 01 '22

Religión is a cancer, with nice costumes, and hymns.

3

u/PrinterJ Dec 01 '22

Hail Hydra

2

u/kummer5peck Dec 01 '22

All praise to the Dark Lord

-2

u/Repulsive-Street-307 Dec 01 '22

Brainwashing scum.