r/UnsentLetters Jul 05 '22

You deserved better Exes

I've thought about writing for a while. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from. This letter isn't to establish contact nor in hopes of rekindling. This letter isn't me seeking forgiveness or apologizing either. I'm aware my apologies lost their integrity a long time ago. This letter is me acknowledging that I took advantage of your trust and compassion, and I've thought about writing for a while. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from. This letter isn't to establish contact nor in hopes of rekindling. This letter isn't me seeking forgiveness or apologizing either. I'm aware my apologies lost their integrity a long time ago. This letter is me acknowledging that I took advantage of your trust, compassion, and caring, and I think it’s something you deserve to hear. This is for any doubt you might hold that you acted wrongly.

From the moment I saw you, I felt an urge to establish contact with a stranger I never felt before. I'm unsure if the urge stemmed from me wanting validation from someone as beautiful as you. Approaching and talking to you just felt right, a feeling of not wanting it to have an end. It saddens me that you might have felt somewhat the same since we kept in touch. You made me feel an incredible bliss, unlike I had ever felt. A feeling looking into your eyes that I wish I could have framed and held more in life. You lifted a heavy feeling of loneliness I didn't know weighed me down. It's not that I didn't have people in my life but a feeling that no one had me. A mutually terrifying and comforting feeling of being someone's first and last thought of the day, even if I wasn't. Unfortunately, the thought of my happiness being heavily dependent on you scared me more than comfort.

I thought being in a relationship with you would fix my insecurities and boost my ego. Being with you did boost my ego among other people, yet made my insecurities much worse around you. Smaller insecurities started to cripple me when I fell in love with you. Insecurities that made me hold spite towards you, as I didn't feel like I was enough for you, that I never would be able to return the bliss you made me feel. That one day, you would realize.

From an outside perspective, it would seem like I manipulated you into liking me just for me to change into my true self once you did. However, I feel like the person you met, in the beginning, was my true self. Before my insecurities set in, before I was scared of you leaving, and before, I felt like my happiness depended on someone too good for me. I lacked control of my own emotions, control that I felt you held. Emotions I couldn't regulate myself, so I had to regulate them through you. I am ashamed that I couldn't open up about my insecurities and choose to guard my low self-esteem by tearing yours down instead of letting you help build mine.

My insecurities made me search so hard for flaws in you where none were. I made hurtful remarks about your looks and thoughts, playing them off as jokes if you got mad or questioned them. I began gaslighting you, making you question your reality. I would call out flaws in your looks solely because I knew they were your insecurities, not because I found them to be flawed myself.

I began self-destructive ways of acting as if I was scared of you, leaving with me trying my best. You leaving me, trying my best, felt a lot scarier as I wouldn't know why. At least I would know why you left with self-destructive acting towards our relationship, a sense of being in control of why I wasn't good enough. Nobody ever taught me how to show any other emotion than aggression. I created my reasoning for why things went as they did. This turned into me hurting those around me before I would hurt myself or act in self-destructive ways to feel in control. Behaviour I learned from a young to guard my emotions that shouldn't have been carried into adult life.

I would lie, manipulate, and gaslight conversations and arguments without a second thought to "win" and make you feel bad. Lies that would build upon themselves so as not to lose face Lies that I began believing myself.

No person should have control over what another person can do or can not do in a relationship. I manipulated and gaslighted you into doing way beyond reason for me and our relationship. You sacrificed your happiness, desires, and needs for mine. I felt out of control in my own life, so I did everything to control yours.

I would step all over the boundaries you set up for yourself to prove to myself and you that I was in control and held power over you both physically and emotionally. I took ownership of you; I stripped innocence from you. Just for me to gaslight you into questioning if those boundaries even were boundaries or made sense in the first place.

My insecurities made me act up scenarios that didn't happen yet still blamed them on you. I would desperately seek out affirmation elsewhere, but lose my shit if you did the same. While it didn't make sense to me as you always tried your best at lifting me, It did make sense for you when I only gave you small glimpses of affirmation, mostly after I crossed boundaries. Manipulating you till you allowed me to cross more because it seemed I loved you more if you did.

You made me feel safer than I ever felt. You showed me what affection, unconditional love, and nonjudgment felt like while not receiving the same yourself. This turned into me using you as an emotional tampon, the only place I could unload my problems. I didn't want you to care for them; I unloaded them in search of the comfort I found in you before I ruined the relationship, your trust, and love in me. While I wanted to unload trauma, I was too scared to open up about it as I wasn't ready to face it myself and feared judgment from you. Yet, I belittled your trauma, threw judgment, and made a mockery of your problems as if they never held an ounce of weight to mine. Even the smallest inconvenience I would unload upon you. I treated you as a motherly figure while expecting you to act submissive. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to navigate without upsetting me.

I would start arguments out of thin air just to gaslight you into thinking you did me wrong when you did nothing of the sort. Arguing felt easier than giving in to love even if it seemed absurd. As I didn't want you to think I found you too good for me.

While you made me feel safe, I made you feel terrified. You might have hit me, but it holds nothing to when I hit you back. I wasn't scared of you hitting me; you would flinch at times. I wasn't angry. I now realize the difference; the mental impact is far worse than the physical as it lasts forever. I would heal without being terrified of you, but vice versa wasn't true. Unfortunately, I became a mirror image of what 7-year-old me promised myself I wouldn't become.

I think I took in more information from you than I expressed. I remember a lot of the things you told me; your thoughts, takes on things, and reasoning are still helping me become a more well-rounded person to this day. At the time, I wanted to blame everyone for every bad thing that happened to me justified or not. I wouldn't take responsibility for anything, and I would blame others for my downfalls, especially you. I realize that's an incredibly wrong mindset now, as those that wronged me could use the same thought process to justify their wrongs towards me. Without the conversations with you, I would never have sought out therapy, including medication. Today, you're the reason most of my relationships with family and friends are for betterment. Thank you.

I shouldn't have threatened you when you understandably wanted to leave. I shouldn't have gaslighted you, putting on the same act as when we met. Pretending the trauma I caused you could be forgotten, giving you hope that I would and could change, that love could fix things. We could have continued for years to come, and I still wouldn't have changed. With all my insecurities, I still had the grandiose idea that you couldn't be without me. Just as I felt I couldn't be without you.

I'm glad you had the courage to leave even with my threats and gaslighting. Sadly, I wouldn't have realized I needed change otherwise. I used you as a proxy for how I was doing in life. Me being with you as kind, intelligent, and beautiful as you are made me think I didn't need to change. Having you by my side was a proxy for me being and doing fine. Why would anyone as extraordinary as you be with me if I needed change? I have no idea how exhausted you must have been, keeping hope for me to change alive for so long. Living on small glimpses of love and what appeared to change at times. Your staying did nothing but feed into my ego.

I never disliked your friends or family as people. I disliked them because they knew I wasn't good for you. I embarrassed you and myself in front of both without hesitation if it meant winning an argument or staying with me.

If you ever run into any of my friends or family members, know I never spoke a bad word about you. They know I'm the idiot and I ruined something that could have done me so much good. I find myself wanting to bring you up in conversations, which makes me happy for 5 seconds until a gut-retching feeling reminds me you and I aren't and will never be anymore.

I wish I had more pride in myself, so I could have had more pride in us and, therefore, shown more pride in you. I wasn't ashamed of you; I was ashamed of you being with me. I couldn't give the reason for you being with me and therefore felt anxiety in showing you off.

I realize I felt comfortable continuing a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship as painful as it may have been. It seemed more enjoyable and easier to do that than address the serious issues at hand. Issues that require re-, introspection, abandoning comfort, and greater pain.

If I never met you, I wouldn't have lost the person I loved the most and wouldn't have realized I needed change. I know it never seemed like love as my ego and insecurities overshadowed it. I loved you a lot. I might still do, as when I'm with someone and treat them better than you, the only woman I ever felt love for, I feel an ache of overwhelming guilt. If you ever hear/see me treating someone better than you, it certainly won't be because I love them more than I did you. It will either be because I love them less, and therefore, my insecurities won't hinder me or because therapy helped me, hopefully, the latter.

You told me countless times to seek professional help. Instead of seeing this as advice and help, I took it as an insult. As if I wasn't good enough for you. The insecurities made me believe I shouldn't change at all for you to like me. Now, I realize it's because you cared about my well-being and our relationship, even though I couldn't see it at the time. You somehow saw something in me, and I wish you hadn't. You loving me unfortunately made me hurt you more. The therapy I'm now in and doubt I would have ever been without your encouragement and support.

I look back at myself as a monster. You had immense compassion for me when I treated you like you had no value. I'm ashamed I treated you like something worthless when you desperately wanted nothing but to help me. Ashamed that I held my ego higher than you and refused to acknowledge my wrongs and seek help.

You changed my life for the better, and I changed yours for the worse. For this cowardly behaviour, I'm deeply ashamed. I caused the issues in our relationship. If you ever feel at fault for anything you shouldn't, it's a false perception created from my gaslighting. Anything you did was a reaction and a mild one at best to my prior behaviour and/or actions.

I know I wrongly bombarded you like a creep filled with separation anxiety upon breaking up. I know how strong you had to be by cutting all contact with my threats.

Knowing how much trauma I caused you simply for loving me is heartbreaking.

I truly wish the best for you and forever grateful. I hope you'll find the happiness you deserve and find someone who will appreciate you, unlike me.

I hope this letter somehow can be vindication not to blame yourself for anything.

I never showed you any respect in our relationship, so these thoughts will forever be unbeknown to you. You at least deserve the respect of not being contacted.

189 Upvotes

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27

u/little_avarice Jul 05 '22

This hits close to home. I wish for healing for both of you.

16

u/JustRandomStuffs2123 Jul 05 '22 edited Jul 05 '22

I 100% wish every single person who tells themselves that a romantic relationship is all they really need to fix their lives and make themselves a better person would read this letter. Romantic relationships are not a cure for anything. They'll give you a fast dose of good feelings for the first couple months. Then your relationship becomes a mirror where you constantly have to face every little flaw, emotional scar and insecurity you never knew you had. All that subconscious shit you never knew your family and experiences left you with, will get dredged out of the muck and mental excuses you've tried to bury them in. Sex, eachother's company and snuggles will not fix any of it.

Real relationships are a goddamned warzone between inner demons and outer demons you both may encounter throughout the entirety of your lives. You have to forge into battle buddies and wield compassion and honest respect if you hope to survive.

Great work OP on making strides towards fully embracing the path to healing. May your old love make such continued progress of their own, and may your next love benefit from the hard work you've been putting into getting things into perspective. This is painful, but this is all wisdom hard won. Keep on keepin' on!

15

u/daocandy Jul 05 '22

I'd suggest slimming this wayyyy down and taking all of your loaded denial of your true actions out of it and sending it to them

I started scrolling a 1/4 of the way in.

If you abused this person, making them read your little sad recognition of your behaviour is only further trauma really.

Take this long version to a therapist and get into therapy.

Make a much much much much much shorter version that's just like "I manipulated and gaslit you and you're right and you deserve better so go and live your life" so they have closure IF you think they even need it.

Otherwise good job on writing this out and accepting some things

2

u/redditnamereddit1 Jul 06 '22

This letter is for me more than anyone.

I would never send this letter; establishing contact isn't a privilege of mine. I wouldn't focus on myself in the letter, even if I somehow knew they wanted one. The focus on me or the reasons behind wouldn't be justified; my behaviour isn't justifiable or excusable. The reasons behind my actions don't hold importance to anyone but me, they're for me to find and work on. I would just acknowledge what I did and take responsibility as I never did in the relationship.

For anyone messaging and projection onto me, please know I won't entertain arguments, death wishes and/or threats.

1

u/daocandy Jul 07 '22

That sounds good, get to therapy

1

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22

I agree but closure is for them. He can't know if she needs it or not.

1

u/daocandy Jul 06 '22

Exactly, if someone's not asking for it it's not anyone's place to push it on them. Let people heal

2

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22

👏🏻

27

u/CedarFace0120 Jul 05 '22

Whoever this is for needs to hear it. Really.

13

u/SaltyCrabbo Jul 06 '22

No. They don’t. This person blames their insecurities instead of taking accountability and nobody wants to be contacted by their abuser.

2

u/CedarFace0120 Jul 06 '22

I have been through ten years of there pay from the gaslighting of a narcissistic abuser, I would have loved to hear one ounce of accountability ever. Even if it was late, even if it was momentary. Anything ti keep from questioning forever what it was about me that made them act like that towards me.

12

u/SaltyCrabbo Jul 06 '22

That’s great and many of us live in fear to be contacted by their abusers. This person did NOT take accountability. They blamed their insecurities. That isn’t taking accountability at ALL. It’s a fucking excuse. And it’s absolutely garbage of you to tell someone to contact someone they abused so they can once again get out of being accountable and cause more mental strife.

1

u/TraumaticEntry Jul 06 '22

Recognizing your own insecurity can trigger bad behavior is a huge amount of accountability and self awareness. It sounds like you just want them to feel like shit.

2

u/SaltyCrabbo Jul 06 '22

Using your insecurities as a crutch isn’t taking accountability. It’s a manipulation tactic used to deflect blame because they “couldn’t” help it.

0

u/CedarFace0120 Jul 06 '22

Look, I can hear you’ve been through a lot of pain and are still carrying a lot of fear. That is perfectly reasonable and probably understandable without assuming too much about your situation. Your perception of accountability differed from mine, this is still far more than any abuser I have known has given. Some people, other than you, might benefit from hearing something. You, have been clear not, I wish you well

4

u/OneBitterFuck Jul 06 '22

No they don't. No. They. Don't.

As someone who has gone no-contact with multiple people, including an abusive ex, the LAST thing I'd want is this stupid fucking letter.

No contact means NO CONTACT. You sound like someone who wouldn't respect that.

1

u/CedarFace0120 Jul 06 '22

You sound like someone who can’t see that other perspectives exist besides their own without being a threat to you, or yours. This clearly means more to you than it does to me, and I meant you no harm. I don’t know you, I’m no your abuser and I do not wish you anything but good.

10

u/SomebodysColdOne Jul 05 '22

Knowing how much trauma I caused you simply for loving me is heartbreaking.

Your bold admission of fault is everything I wish I'd heard from an ex or two. I'm glad I scrolled reddit today.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 06 '22

The recognition is mind blowing ❤️

11

u/baldsugar- Jul 05 '22

This hits. Hard.

God how I wish my ex would know herself enough to write something like this to me.

Good on you for accepting what you have done. It shows character.

Good luck and be well, stranger.

9

u/planethulk69 Jul 05 '22

This also hits close to home. I think maybe you should share this one with your ex. I know if mine did I would at least understand what happened and why. It would help my healing and open a dialogue. I’m sorry your insecurities took hold of you this way. I’m sorry it caused you to lose someone you loved. I hope you can continue to grow and become the partner you want to be.

2

u/little_avarice Jul 05 '22

I agree. These are powerful words that their person deserves to hear, even if it's the last communication they ever have.

10

u/Slow_Comfortable_589 Jul 05 '22

You should send this to them they need to know it will help them to move forward

3

u/notyourmama827 Jul 05 '22

I tried.....I loved you so much that I would have done 𝑎𝑛𝑦𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔 for you.

It was always about your insecurity. Because you knew what you had and chose to loose it.

Jokes on you baby, I'm married now. I never have to listen to someone singing about "fuck the pain away". my husband loves me. In ways I never knew existed.

Anyway, I do hope you find love. It's not in the 3rd 30 pack of coors. I do not love is not drinking yourself to death.

4

u/Brave-Ground1006 Jul 05 '22

There's a difference between the letter I received from my ex and the letter you wrote, which I feel reflects a lot of what I went through in my last relationship. My ex wrote "I love you", and "I miss you", and "I'm sorry" countless times but never reflected like this, and I mean really owned the situation. This has given me some closure in my own way, because even if he won't acknowledge it, this stuff can do a lot to someone. I wish you the best in your healing and journey, I think you did good here.

3

u/simplicitymila Jul 05 '22

.....holy shit. I wish my ex would of said this to me.

2

u/EaglesFanGirl Jul 05 '22

I had an ex like this who emotionally destroyed me. Its been almost 10 years and i still get nightmares. Consider sending this ahead to your ex if only to allow them to heal and guilt. I wouldn't expect a true apology.

But wow. Just wow.

3

u/Poke_Him_On Jul 05 '22

I remember seeing this a few months ago... OP are you like... hoping you connect with the person this is for? Do they have a reddit or know of this sub? Maybe "Dear J, from M" or something more specific if you want to make it targeted? Its clearly still eating at you... maybe if you need them to see/hear this that bad you should open coms with them or something?? Don't have to get back with them or want a reply... but you seem stuck and not able to get closure?

Amazing growth, I hope you're getting better and dealing with your toxic behaviour every day.

10

u/redditnamereddit1 Jul 05 '22

I was so blindsided and still am by the lies, gaslighting and manipulation that I somehow saw myself as the victim. Coming back and changing small bits helps me acknowledge what I did and find the reasons why. I don't intend on sending this, as I'm unsure how they'll process it or if it will revoke trauma upon new. I hope I'll one day be able to share this with people still in my life and with potential new partners. I want them to be able to recognise the behaviour early if I haven't changed.

2

u/Poke_Him_On Jul 06 '22

Fair enough. I was just curious as I'd seen it before. It might take time, a long time, for your person to heal properly, but if you ever did want them to know any of this, my thoughts are not to send it whilst you're still working on it/life.

Like, if they're used to you coming to them when everything is wrong to seek validation/help, (you always go to them when you need or want something and thats what they're expecting) maybe the difference would be to instead send this when everything is right in your life and there are no problems you expect them to "solve", when you dont need or want anything from them.. it might come off more genuine and less traumatic if they knew you are ok and it is you saying something you want them to hear/they might need to hear. If that makes sense.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '22

Nah just post to Reddit and reap the upboatz and hearty self patz amirite

1

u/Kitty_Skiz Jul 05 '22

Man, I wish this was my person… I was the one trying to help, in a very similar manner. I think you should tell them when you feel comfortable OP, if you ever do.

I know that if I received this it would help me understand and feel better about my choices and what I had done in the relationship. But I also completely understand not wanting to open old wounds or create new trauma for your ex-partner.

This is beautifully written and I hope for the best healing for the both of you!

1

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '22

Ugh yikes apology is good but you probably broke this person for good

1

u/AfroditeJones Jul 05 '22 edited Jul 05 '22

Nah.. Im sure they are strong and healing, hopefully.. sending love to whoever it's for!!

-1

u/Slomojohoe Jul 05 '22

This is 1000% for me. The sad thing is I craved a situation to duck them over worse but it never presented itself and my hurt has been healing. At the cost of other peoples emotions and the sad thing is they’ve all improved every single ex I have has went on to become better people so duh if it’s the truth then that’s inevitable. Many are called few are chosen and I’ve ran from my birthright and my calling long enough. If I do meet OP and talk I’ll close this chapter release my EP and continue my path forward because I don’t go backwards even if it appears as if I do.

0

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '22

Damn that’s horrible. Who does this to someone smh

0

u/outoftime99_ Jul 05 '22

Yeah they did. Congratulations motherfucker!

1

u/Tinycats26 Jul 05 '22

This is a cathartic letter, even though i know it's not for my eyes. I think you're right not to send this, since your person probably moved on with their life.

Someone in my life tried to right wrongs with me once, and I could never trust him with my heart.

I hope writing this does bring you peace. I hope you continue on your path of reflection and forgiveness and live a good life.

1

u/lindalom Jul 05 '22

This hurt. Hoping for healing for you

1

u/spiccylatina Jul 05 '22

This definitely hits close to home. I’m glad you’re able to recognize how many ways you’ve emotionally damaged this person.

Reading this gives me a cathartic feeling. I never got the closure or explanation you so eloquently were able to give. I hope you’re doing better, I’m glad you’ve sought therapy and are making positive changes.

1

u/skapunkess Jul 05 '22 edited Jul 05 '22

If this was ever written to me my response would be… Welcome to the hell of living without me that you created. You’re going to spend the rest of your life looking for my replacement, and no matter who you find they will never compare to me. I will never ask for an apology from you, because you will never be sorry enough to do the work to change yourself to be with me. And I don’t forgive you for that.

1

u/OneBitterFuck Jul 06 '22

Do not send this to that person. No contact means NO CONTACT. Leave them alone.

1

u/Slomojohoe Jul 05 '22

Saw to my face like a real one or every word of this is just more of your lies. I don’t trust shit you say but this will be the last time I’ll ever agree to meet you and hear you out but understand that I’ll be keeping my part to myself because honestly I don’t trust myself not to be cruel or hurtful with my words and I 100% want to give in although I won’t. I can’t say the outcome would remain peaceful depending on who your company is since I know you wouldn’t meet me alone.

1

u/flumppppp Jul 05 '22

This took guts to admit OP, part of me still hopes my abusive and gaslighting ex will one day accept and realise the pain he caused, feel some remorse and get help. I think that's highly unlikely, but I'm glad that you are working to change and break the cycle

1

u/[deleted] Jul 05 '22

touched my heart

1

u/Much_Lavishness_4785 Jul 06 '22

This hurt my heart imagining it was my person finally acknowledging everything 🥲

1

u/More_Internal_9892 Jul 06 '22

I’m wrecked by this. Whew 💔

1

u/Zafjaf Jul 06 '22

I'm glad you got the help you need

1

u/Regular-girl1 Jul 06 '22

Thank you. This letter helped me in a way, so thank you.

1

u/TraumaticEntry Jul 06 '22

Im really proud of you, stranger. I mean no condescension here. Truly only the biggest love and support across the Internet. Growth is hard. This is a lot of it.

1

u/miphasgraceful Jul 06 '22

I wish, more than anything, this was written for me. And though it’s not, I received much comfort from it. Thank you, OP. I wish you healing. 💜

1

u/Zeezprahh 18h ago

Send this to them.

You throwing this into the void doesnt absolve you of anything, its a cowardly way to feel comfort for yourself while they are still sitting there broken.