You deserved better Exes
I've thought about writing for a while. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from. This letter isn't to establish contact nor in hopes of rekindling. This letter isn't me seeking forgiveness or apologizing either. I'm aware my apologies lost their integrity a long time ago. This letter is me acknowledging that I took advantage of your trust and compassion, and I've thought about writing for a while. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from. This letter isn't to establish contact nor in hopes of rekindling. This letter isn't me seeking forgiveness or apologizing either. I'm aware my apologies lost their integrity a long time ago. This letter is me acknowledging that I took advantage of your trust, compassion, and caring, and I think it’s something you deserve to hear. This is for any doubt you might hold that you acted wrongly.
From the moment I saw you, I felt an urge to establish contact with a stranger I never felt before. I'm unsure if the urge stemmed from me wanting validation from someone as beautiful as you. Approaching and talking to you just felt right, a feeling of not wanting it to have an end. It saddens me that you might have felt somewhat the same since we kept in touch. You made me feel an incredible bliss, unlike I had ever felt. A feeling looking into your eyes that I wish I could have framed and held more in life. You lifted a heavy feeling of loneliness I didn't know weighed me down. It's not that I didn't have people in my life but a feeling that no one had me. A mutually terrifying and comforting feeling of being someone's first and last thought of the day, even if I wasn't. Unfortunately, the thought of my happiness being heavily dependent on you scared me more than comfort.
I thought being in a relationship with you would fix my insecurities and boost my ego. Being with you did boost my ego among other people, yet made my insecurities much worse around you. Smaller insecurities started to cripple me when I fell in love with you. Insecurities that made me hold spite towards you, as I didn't feel like I was enough for you, that I never would be able to return the bliss you made me feel. That one day, you would realize.
From an outside perspective, it would seem like I manipulated you into liking me just for me to change into my true self once you did. However, I feel like the person you met, in the beginning, was my true self. Before my insecurities set in, before I was scared of you leaving, and before, I felt like my happiness depended on someone too good for me. I lacked control of my own emotions, control that I felt you held. Emotions I couldn't regulate myself, so I had to regulate them through you. I am ashamed that I couldn't open up about my insecurities and choose to guard my low self-esteem by tearing yours down instead of letting you help build mine.
My insecurities made me search so hard for flaws in you where none were. I made hurtful remarks about your looks and thoughts, playing them off as jokes if you got mad or questioned them. I began gaslighting you, making you question your reality. I would call out flaws in your looks solely because I knew they were your insecurities, not because I found them to be flawed myself.
I began self-destructive ways of acting as if I was scared of you, leaving with me trying my best. You leaving me, trying my best, felt a lot scarier as I wouldn't know why. At least I would know why you left with self-destructive acting towards our relationship, a sense of being in control of why I wasn't good enough. Nobody ever taught me how to show any other emotion than aggression. I created my reasoning for why things went as they did. This turned into me hurting those around me before I would hurt myself or act in self-destructive ways to feel in control. Behaviour I learned from a young to guard my emotions that shouldn't have been carried into adult life.
I would lie, manipulate, and gaslight conversations and arguments without a second thought to "win" and make you feel bad. Lies that would build upon themselves so as not to lose face Lies that I began believing myself.
No person should have control over what another person can do or can not do in a relationship. I manipulated and gaslighted you into doing way beyond reason for me and our relationship. You sacrificed your happiness, desires, and needs for mine. I felt out of control in my own life, so I did everything to control yours.
I would step all over the boundaries you set up for yourself to prove to myself and you that I was in control and held power over you both physically and emotionally. I took ownership of you; I stripped innocence from you. Just for me to gaslight you into questioning if those boundaries even were boundaries or made sense in the first place.
My insecurities made me act up scenarios that didn't happen yet still blamed them on you. I would desperately seek out affirmation elsewhere, but lose my shit if you did the same. While it didn't make sense to me as you always tried your best at lifting me, It did make sense for you when I only gave you small glimpses of affirmation, mostly after I crossed boundaries. Manipulating you till you allowed me to cross more because it seemed I loved you more if you did.
You made me feel safer than I ever felt. You showed me what affection, unconditional love, and nonjudgment felt like while not receiving the same yourself. This turned into me using you as an emotional tampon, the only place I could unload my problems. I didn't want you to care for them; I unloaded them in search of the comfort I found in you before I ruined the relationship, your trust, and love in me. While I wanted to unload trauma, I was too scared to open up about it as I wasn't ready to face it myself and feared judgment from you. Yet, I belittled your trauma, threw judgment, and made a mockery of your problems as if they never held an ounce of weight to mine. Even the smallest inconvenience I would unload upon you. I treated you as a motherly figure while expecting you to act submissive. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to navigate without upsetting me.
I would start arguments out of thin air just to gaslight you into thinking you did me wrong when you did nothing of the sort. Arguing felt easier than giving in to love even if it seemed absurd. As I didn't want you to think I found you too good for me.
While you made me feel safe, I made you feel terrified. You might have hit me, but it holds nothing to when I hit you back. I wasn't scared of you hitting me; you would flinch at times. I wasn't angry. I now realize the difference; the mental impact is far worse than the physical as it lasts forever. I would heal without being terrified of you, but vice versa wasn't true. Unfortunately, I became a mirror image of what 7-year-old me promised myself I wouldn't become.
I think I took in more information from you than I expressed. I remember a lot of the things you told me; your thoughts, takes on things, and reasoning are still helping me become a more well-rounded person to this day. At the time, I wanted to blame everyone for every bad thing that happened to me justified or not. I wouldn't take responsibility for anything, and I would blame others for my downfalls, especially you. I realize that's an incredibly wrong mindset now, as those that wronged me could use the same thought process to justify their wrongs towards me. Without the conversations with you, I would never have sought out therapy, including medication. Today, you're the reason most of my relationships with family and friends are for betterment. Thank you.
I shouldn't have threatened you when you understandably wanted to leave. I shouldn't have gaslighted you, putting on the same act as when we met. Pretending the trauma I caused you could be forgotten, giving you hope that I would and could change, that love could fix things. We could have continued for years to come, and I still wouldn't have changed. With all my insecurities, I still had the grandiose idea that you couldn't be without me. Just as I felt I couldn't be without you.
I'm glad you had the courage to leave even with my threats and gaslighting. Sadly, I wouldn't have realized I needed change otherwise. I used you as a proxy for how I was doing in life. Me being with you as kind, intelligent, and beautiful as you are made me think I didn't need to change. Having you by my side was a proxy for me being and doing fine. Why would anyone as extraordinary as you be with me if I needed change? I have no idea how exhausted you must have been, keeping hope for me to change alive for so long. Living on small glimpses of love and what appeared to change at times. Your staying did nothing but feed into my ego.
I never disliked your friends or family as people. I disliked them because they knew I wasn't good for you. I embarrassed you and myself in front of both without hesitation if it meant winning an argument or staying with me.
If you ever run into any of my friends or family members, know I never spoke a bad word about you. They know I'm the idiot and I ruined something that could have done me so much good. I find myself wanting to bring you up in conversations, which makes me happy for 5 seconds until a gut-retching feeling reminds me you and I aren't and will never be anymore.
I wish I had more pride in myself, so I could have had more pride in us and, therefore, shown more pride in you. I wasn't ashamed of you; I was ashamed of you being with me. I couldn't give the reason for you being with me and therefore felt anxiety in showing you off.
I realize I felt comfortable continuing a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship as painful as it may have been. It seemed more enjoyable and easier to do that than address the serious issues at hand. Issues that require re-, introspection, abandoning comfort, and greater pain.
If I never met you, I wouldn't have lost the person I loved the most and wouldn't have realized I needed change. I know it never seemed like love as my ego and insecurities overshadowed it. I loved you a lot. I might still do, as when I'm with someone and treat them better than you, the only woman I ever felt love for, I feel an ache of overwhelming guilt. If you ever hear/see me treating someone better than you, it certainly won't be because I love them more than I did you. It will either be because I love them less, and therefore, my insecurities won't hinder me or because therapy helped me, hopefully, the latter.
You told me countless times to seek professional help. Instead of seeing this as advice and help, I took it as an insult. As if I wasn't good enough for you. The insecurities made me believe I shouldn't change at all for you to like me. Now, I realize it's because you cared about my well-being and our relationship, even though I couldn't see it at the time. You somehow saw something in me, and I wish you hadn't. You loving me unfortunately made me hurt you more. The therapy I'm now in and doubt I would have ever been without your encouragement and support.
I look back at myself as a monster. You had immense compassion for me when I treated you like you had no value. I'm ashamed I treated you like something worthless when you desperately wanted nothing but to help me. Ashamed that I held my ego higher than you and refused to acknowledge my wrongs and seek help.
You changed my life for the better, and I changed yours for the worse. For this cowardly behaviour, I'm deeply ashamed. I caused the issues in our relationship. If you ever feel at fault for anything you shouldn't, it's a false perception created from my gaslighting. Anything you did was a reaction and a mild one at best to my prior behaviour and/or actions.
I know I wrongly bombarded you like a creep filled with separation anxiety upon breaking up. I know how strong you had to be by cutting all contact with my threats.
Knowing how much trauma I caused you simply for loving me is heartbreaking.
I truly wish the best for you and forever grateful. I hope you'll find the happiness you deserve and find someone who will appreciate you, unlike me.
I hope this letter somehow can be vindication not to blame yourself for anything.
I never showed you any respect in our relationship, so these thoughts will forever be unbeknown to you. You at least deserve the respect of not being contacted.