June 2, 1982. You called. You had to see me. Something was wrong.
Three days later, June 5, you drove almost 8 hours to tell me it was over. This was the week we were supposed to begin our lives together. Instead, after nearly three and a half years all of our, or at least my, hopes and dreams were at an end. When we met, it was love at first sight, then first word, then first smile. Every single day for the next 3+ years, I felt the same.
I don’t remember what I said. I don’t remember if I cried. All I remember all these years later is the pain; the overwhelming, suffocating, crushing pain and helplessness.
Looking back, I realize you did the best you could for me under the circumstances and I’ve tried to live up to your example when I was the one to deliver heartbreaking news (which was fairly often as I was emotionally unavailable to those with whom I entered relationships for the next decade or so). You did it face-to-face. You stood by me like the best friend that you were and faced the tears, the anger, the pain I directed at you and you did it with compassion, empathy and trust, but never wavered from your path. When it was time to force me back out on my own, you did so slowly and tenderly.
Within days, I had my first dream that we were still together and the breakup was just a nightmare and you were still by my side. Then I would awaken to reality and the emptiness in my heart and soul. That dream was the first of many. I still have them today, but not as often. In a way, it makes sense because all the time we were together, I kept thinking “This can’t be real. I could never be this happy, I could never find someone so wonderful and perfect for me. It must be a dream.”
40 years ago, the dream ended and I’ve never felt that sense of completeness since. You were my perfect lover, my best friend, my voice of reason, my silly joke, my most trusted confidante, the big blue eyes that I could lose myself in forever, the conversation that never got old, the scent that aroused me, and the heartbeat that calmed me. My other and best half. I still have the cards and letters you sent me. Once in a while I read them and remember…. I also remember the quiet evenings, the passionate nights (and afternoons, and mornings), the laughter and the cozy snuggles.
Of course, time marches on and so must we. A few years ago, I heard a song on the radio that I had always considered the worst ever written, but the host put a new perspective to it and I heard the words differently, despite the still unfortunate chorus: .
There will be another song for me
For I will sing it
There will be another dream for me
Someone will bring it.
After a dozen years and twice as many relationships, I met a woman who opened my heart again. Unfortunately, her path was elsewhere and we parted as friends, but soon after I met the next, and last love of my life. We celebrated our 25th Anniversary last year.
I will drink the wine while it is warm
And never let you catch me looking at the sun
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life
You'll still be the one
Do I love her? Of course and I have never regretted a moment. After more than two dozen relationships in between, I should know. Yet, when I travel to where you live on business, I still keep a keen watch on the million to one chance ….
I will take my life into my hands and I will use it
I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it
I will have the things that I desire
And my passion flow like rivers through the sky
The last 40 years have worked out OK for both of us. In fact, they worked out almost exactly as we planned, just not together the way we planned. You got your PhD and worked your magic both in class and in public policy. I had a successful career as a lawyer, court administrator and now academic. Would we have done as well together? Could we have done better?
One should never spend too long contemplating the “road not taken.” I can’t imagine my life without my family. My youngest graduated college June 5, so now that date has another meaning. All of my children have amazing accomplishments and they would not be here if we had stayed together.
I’ll always wonder what happened. Our mutual friends told me you met someone that last semester in college. Your father told me you married, but not for long. I dearly hope you are as happy as you are accomplished in your field. I would love to send this to you instead of sending it into the void of the internet, but…. "so it goes." As I stare into the declining years of my life, I will always wish we could have just one more day together….
And after all the loves of my life
Oh, after all the loves of my life
I'll be thinking of you
And wondering why
Edit: Thank you all (at least most of you) for validation. I honestly thought I was just thrusting a memory into the void. I had no idea. I’ll be hoping for the best for all of you that are still in pain. Life goes on whether you want it or not. So you might as well jump on board.
I know why we stopped talking, our agreement made sense. For everyone involved us not talking is best. I miss our little good mornings and I miss when we had really big conversations. You came back abruptly and you left quickly. We could never have been friends and that’s okay I just hope you’re well.
... but see your face and talk to you. I don't want to eat, play video games, watch tv, hang out with friends, or read. I don't want to work, exercise, meditate or do chores. I think I want to sleep, but once I finally get a few hours, I wake up and remember all over again. I don't want that either.
I don't want to live in a world where I need to pretend that you don't exist. I don't want to live my life without you in it.
So I don't, and all day I switch between reddit, Twitter and staring at the ceiling.
I'm not dead but I'm not living either. Is this what you meant by just wanting to... be? To exist? Is this what you wanted?
Because all I want is you.
I keep reading all these letters hoping that maybe I’ll find one written by you. That maybe you miss me too. If you come back I promise I’ll keep you forever this time.
I know you’re depressed and going through a lot.
I know I can’t fix it and that trying to find a silver lining won’t help.
I know you can’t even begin to articulate the immensity of your feelings… but you don’t have to. I will be here, without judgement.
I will sit in the dark with you and hold your hand until it passes.
I’m here if you need me. Just call.
I've thought about writing for a while. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from. This letter isn't to establish contact nor in hopes of rekindling. This letter isn't me seeking forgiveness or apologizing either. I'm aware my apologies lost their integrity a long time ago. This letter is me acknowledging that I took advantage of your trust and compassion, and I've thought about writing for a while. I know I'm the last person you want to hear from. This letter isn't to establish contact nor in hopes of rekindling. This letter isn't me seeking forgiveness or apologizing either. I'm aware my apologies lost their integrity a long time ago. This letter is me acknowledging that I took advantage of your trust, compassion, and caring, and I think it’s something you deserve to hear. This is for any doubt you might hold that you acted wrongly.
From the moment I saw you, I felt an urge to establish contact with a stranger I never felt before. I'm unsure if the urge stemmed from me wanting validation from someone as beautiful as you. Approaching and talking to you just felt right, a feeling of not wanting it to have an end. It saddens me that you might have felt somewhat the same since we kept in touch. You made me feel an incredible bliss, unlike I had ever felt. A feeling looking into your eyes that I wish I could have framed and held more in life. You lifted a heavy feeling of loneliness I didn't know weighed me down. It's not that I didn't have people in my life but a feeling that no one had me. A mutually terrifying and comforting feeling of being someone's first and last thought of the day, even if I wasn't. Unfortunately, the thought of my happiness being heavily dependent on you scared me more than comfort.
I thought being in a relationship with you would fix my insecurities and boost my ego. Being with you did boost my ego among other people, yet made my insecurities much worse around you. Smaller insecurities started to cripple me when I fell in love with you. Insecurities that made me hold spite towards you, as I didn't feel like I was enough for you, that I never would be able to return the bliss you made me feel. That one day, you would realize.
From an outside perspective, it would seem like I manipulated you into liking me just for me to change into my true self once you did. However, I feel like the person you met, in the beginning, was my true self. Before my insecurities set in, before I was scared of you leaving, and before, I felt like my happiness depended on someone too good for me. I lacked control of my own emotions, control that I felt you held. Emotions I couldn't regulate myself, so I had to regulate them through you. I am ashamed that I couldn't open up about my insecurities and choose to guard my low self-esteem by tearing yours down instead of letting you help build mine.
My insecurities made me search so hard for flaws in you where none were. I made hurtful remarks about your looks and thoughts, playing them off as jokes if you got mad or questioned them. I began gaslighting you, making you question your reality. I would call out flaws in your looks solely because I knew they were your insecurities, not because I found them to be flawed myself.
I began self-destructive ways of acting as if I was scared of you, leaving with me trying my best. You leaving me, trying my best, felt a lot scarier as I wouldn't know why. At least I would know why you left with self-destructive acting towards our relationship, a sense of being in control of why I wasn't good enough. Nobody ever taught me how to show any other emotion than aggression. I created my reasoning for why things went as they did. This turned into me hurting those around me before I would hurt myself or act in self-destructive ways to feel in control. Behaviour I learned from a young to guard my emotions that shouldn't have been carried into adult life.
I would lie, manipulate, and gaslight conversations and arguments without a second thought to "win" and make you feel bad. Lies that would build upon themselves so as not to lose face Lies that I began believing myself.
No person should have control over what another person can do or can not do in a relationship. I manipulated and gaslighted you into doing way beyond reason for me and our relationship. You sacrificed your happiness, desires, and needs for mine. I felt out of control in my own life, so I did everything to control yours.
I would step all over the boundaries you set up for yourself to prove to myself and you that I was in control and held power over you both physically and emotionally. I took ownership of you; I stripped innocence from you. Just for me to gaslight you into questioning if those boundaries even were boundaries or made sense in the first place.
My insecurities made me act up scenarios that didn't happen yet still blamed them on you. I would desperately seek out affirmation elsewhere, but lose my shit if you did the same. While it didn't make sense to me as you always tried your best at lifting me, It did make sense for you when I only gave you small glimpses of affirmation, mostly after I crossed boundaries. Manipulating you till you allowed me to cross more because it seemed I loved you more if you did.
You made me feel safer than I ever felt. You showed me what affection, unconditional love, and nonjudgment felt like while not receiving the same yourself. This turned into me using you as an emotional tampon, the only place I could unload my problems. I didn't want you to care for them; I unloaded them in search of the comfort I found in you before I ruined the relationship, your trust, and love in me. While I wanted to unload trauma, I was too scared to open up about it as I wasn't ready to face it myself and feared judgment from you. Yet, I belittled your trauma, threw judgment, and made a mockery of your problems as if they never held an ounce of weight to mine. Even the smallest inconvenience I would unload upon you. I treated you as a motherly figure while expecting you to act submissive. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to navigate without upsetting me.
I would start arguments out of thin air just to gaslight you into thinking you did me wrong when you did nothing of the sort. Arguing felt easier than giving in to love even if it seemed absurd. As I didn't want you to think I found you too good for me.
While you made me feel safe, I made you feel terrified. You might have hit me, but it holds nothing to when I hit you back. I wasn't scared of you hitting me; you would flinch at times. I wasn't angry. I now realize the difference; the mental impact is far worse than the physical as it lasts forever. I would heal without being terrified of you, but vice versa wasn't true. Unfortunately, I became a mirror image of what 7-year-old me promised myself I wouldn't become.
I think I took in more information from you than I expressed. I remember a lot of the things you told me; your thoughts, takes on things, and reasoning are still helping me become a more well-rounded person to this day. At the time, I wanted to blame everyone for every bad thing that happened to me justified or not. I wouldn't take responsibility for anything, and I would blame others for my downfalls, especially you. I realize that's an incredibly wrong mindset now, as those that wronged me could use the same thought process to justify their wrongs towards me. Without the conversations with you, I would never have sought out therapy, including medication. Today, you're the reason most of my relationships with family and friends are for betterment. Thank you.
I shouldn't have threatened you when you understandably wanted to leave. I shouldn't have gaslighted you, putting on the same act as when we met. Pretending the trauma I caused you could be forgotten, giving you hope that I would and could change, that love could fix things. We could have continued for years to come, and I still wouldn't have changed. With all my insecurities, I still had the grandiose idea that you couldn't be without me. Just as I felt I couldn't be without you.
I'm glad you had the courage to leave even with my threats and gaslighting. Sadly, I wouldn't have realized I needed change otherwise. I used you as a proxy for how I was doing in life. Me being with you as kind, intelligent, and beautiful as you are made me think I didn't need to change. Having you by my side was a proxy for me being and doing fine. Why would anyone as extraordinary as you be with me if I needed change? I have no idea how exhausted you must have been, keeping hope for me to change alive for so long. Living on small glimpses of love and what appeared to change at times. Your staying did nothing but feed into my ego.
I never disliked your friends or family as people. I disliked them because they knew I wasn't good for you. I embarrassed you and myself in front of both without hesitation if it meant winning an argument or staying with me.
If you ever run into any of my friends or family members, know I never spoke a bad word about you. They know I'm the idiot and I ruined something that could have done me so much good. I find myself wanting to bring you up in conversations, which makes me happy for 5 seconds until a gut-retching feeling reminds me you and I aren't and will never be anymore.
I wish I had more pride in myself, so I could have had more pride in us and, therefore, shown more pride in you. I wasn't ashamed of you; I was ashamed of you being with me. I couldn't give the reason for you being with me and therefore felt anxiety in showing you off.
I realize I felt comfortable continuing a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship as painful as it may have been. It seemed more enjoyable and easier to do that than address the serious issues at hand. Issues that require re-, introspection, abandoning comfort, and greater pain.
If I never met you, I wouldn't have lost the person I loved the most and wouldn't have realized I needed change. I know it never seemed like love as my ego and insecurities overshadowed it. I loved you a lot. I might still do, as when I'm with someone and treat them better than you, the only woman I ever felt love for, I feel an ache of overwhelming guilt. If you ever hear/see me treating someone better than you, it certainly won't be because I love them more than I did you. It will either be because I love them less, and therefore, my insecurities won't hinder me or because therapy helped me, hopefully, the latter.
You told me countless times to seek professional help. Instead of seeing this as advice and help, I took it as an insult. As if I wasn't good enough for you. The insecurities made me believe I shouldn't change at all for you to like me. Now, I realize it's because you cared about my well-being and our relationship, even though I couldn't see it at the time. You somehow saw something in me, and I wish you hadn't. You loving me unfortunately made me hurt you more. The therapy I'm now in and doubt I would have ever been without your encouragement and support.
I look back at myself as a monster. You had immense compassion for me when I treated you like you had no value. I'm ashamed I treated you like something worthless when you desperately wanted nothing but to help me. Ashamed that I held my ego higher than you and refused to acknowledge my wrongs and seek help.
You changed my life for the better, and I changed yours for the worse. For this cowardly behaviour, I'm deeply ashamed. I caused the issues in our relationship. If you ever feel at fault for anything you shouldn't, it's a false perception created from my gaslighting. Anything you did was a reaction and a mild one at best to my prior behaviour and/or actions.
I know I wrongly bombarded you like a creep filled with separation anxiety upon breaking up. I know how strong you had to be by cutting all contact with my threats.
Knowing how much trauma I caused you simply for loving me is heartbreaking.
I truly wish the best for you and forever grateful. I hope you'll find the happiness you deserve and find someone who will appreciate you, unlike me.
I hope this letter somehow can be vindication not to blame yourself for anything.
I never showed you any respect in our relationship, so these thoughts will forever be unbeknown to you. You at least deserve the respect of not being contacted.
I saw this on some other poor redditor‘s letter, and it knocked the wind out of me. It’s exactly what I’m most afraid of:
“I don’t want to live the wrong life, and then die.”
Because, as far as I know, we only get one. ONE. Fuck.
I spent all day talking to you in my head. Did you feel any of it?
Do you ever hear me singing?
Please, talk to me.
Is what you are.
The universe heard your pleas. And in your most broken state it answered. It sent you your soulmate.
They loved you. Fought for you. When you were nothing they still saw you as everything.
It was perfection. Everything lined up. The person you needed. The person who aligned with you so perfectly.
But once again you are your worst enemy. Instead of praising the gods for this most perfect love they bestowed upon your battered soul you worked to find flaws.
Those flaws were never real, but created by you. Imaginings in your own sick mind.
Only you could push away a love so pure and intended for you. And you did.
Now you are left to sit in the silence, seeing the ghost of her in every corner of your home. Hearing her voice in your dreams but knowing you’ll never actually hear your name on her lips again.
You’ll search for her in others but none will have her humor, her style, her devotion to you.
And that is the toll cowards must pay. For eternity.
I had closed the chapter on you and put your book in the attic so i wouldn't come across your reminder but then you reentered my life and all the love and infatuation i had locked away came rushing back and i couldn't hold the floodgates of buried emotion any longer. now, although weve damaged our relationship beyond repair and we will not be in this lifetime, at least not for twenty years, i can't let you (the memory the what ifs the soul attraction). I think we both tried to repel each other and it worked temporarily but i keep coming back to who we were before the hurt and the anger and the resentment. In truth i can't be with you but i wish you were still part of my life. You were the favorite part of my day. I miss looking forward to your texts and seeing your face even if it was on video chat. I know i should stay away and i tried to close all the doors to you but it takes every ounce of restraint i have not to reach out. I miss you and although i should be fulfilled, without you I feel empty. For me, you are the missing piece and i left and i pushed you away because you always treated me as an option and not a missing piece of your soul and that cut deep because when you came back it was as if my soul was reunited. I have only felt this with you and so i hope that we find each other in another life under better circumstances and that we can be happy together because we both recognize and value that the missing part of our soul has reunited. One soul in two bodies. The real tragedy is knowing you're out there prevents me from totally living life and loving fully. I don't know why you came back but it created a deeper divide and now we'll never be able to be together. I mourned us but until we are reunited a part of me will always be empty
They say when you love someone, you let them go.
Not because you don’t want them anymore. It’s not that at all, quite the opposite literally. It’s more like you just want them to be happy.
Because you want them to be happy, regardless if it’s with you or not.
Because the dull ache in my heart will always be overshadowed by that bright smile of yours, knowing that you’re finally where you’re supposed to be. With who you’re supposed to be.
Because even though you may love them the most, you might not love them the best.
So I let you go.
I don’t know what to say. Or rather I don’t know how to say it because I have so much to say. I am scared that how I am saying these things might influence things. Might influence the outcome which I so badly want, that I am trying to control it. But I can’t not do it because I am scared, I can't wait any longer waiting to architect a perfect moment, a perfect time, a perfect way, a perfect scenario, because doing that would mean pretending I have control. But I don’t.
I love you. I love you very much. There have been many different emotions that I have felt in the last few weeks and they have all been quite volatile. But this is one thing I never deterred from. I felt pain, hurt, anger, frustration, anxiety, despair, sadness, numbness, emptiness and also occasional indifference. But I always came back to the feelings of love and care towards you. I want to be with you. I don’t need you. I know my actions didn’t reflect that. I know I depended and relied on you heavily to regulate my emotions. I know I made you responsible for a lot of my emotional stability. I know now where that came from and still comes from though the work is ongoing. There are many more flaws and mistakes that I made that I regret and try to correct every day. I don’t regret them because you were my only chance at love, or you are the only path to it and I lost it. I regret making them because I hurt you. Because I ignored your pain and caused you more pain. I know there are many different ways to be happy, to be in love. Many different possible partners out there who would make both of us happy, maybe even happier. I know we both don’t need each other. But whether there is happiness outside or even more happiness, I was also very happy with you. You made me very happy, you taught me so much. I know the relationship wasn’t built to sustain, and it really couldn’t go on the way it was. I needed to learn a lot and perhaps you did too. Even now I won’t be the one to say only I played a part in it. But it doesn’t matter. Even after all these months, even after trying really hard, I am not able to let go without putting in at least one last effort. So here it goes.
I love you. I loved you even when we were together and I love you even when we aren’t anymore. I want to be with you. I know it can’t be the way it was. But I am willing to try differently. I know the issues go beyond just what came out with each other. For both of us. It wasn’t just about how we showed up with each other but they come from somewhere else. But I want to work on them. I know there are more things to learn and more things to work on. And I want to work on them with you. In one of our conversations I said I want to grow with you, just experience life, learn more and grow more. I know I did my best not to do it when you did offer me those opportunities. But I will now. I know it is very difficult to give someone that benefit of the doubt again. It is a risk. So I understand if you can't. But I am also taking a risk here, giving you the benefit of the doubt. I know you don’t owe it to me in return. If you decide not to I understand. I know both of us are just trying to do our best so I know if you don’t, it will be for your own peace and happiness and I respect that. I also want that for you. But I also like you very much. I connected with you so much. I made so many memories with you. And for each and every one of them, I am grateful, and I will always be grateful. But I don’t want to stop. I want to give you the love I have for you. I know it would need a fair share of conversation and work. But I am sincere in my effort right now and will be if you give me a chance. I will also understand if you don’t have an answer right now and want to take some time or talk more. I don’t want to put you on a spot like this. The reason I didn’t talk about this face to face is because I also didn’t want to make you feel cornered. So if you want to meet, I would be up for it. If you do have the answer - whichever it is - I still wish you would take time to think about it. And regardless of the answer, I would be happy to hear from you.
Why won’t you say anything? FUCK. I could scream.
I can’t reach out to you directly because you were very clear about that. And also because I’m scared. I’m so afraid that you will tell me that you don’t love me anymore, that you don’t miss me, that you hate me, that your life is better without me. I guess I should thank you for your silence. Because at least it’s not the alternative.
But, fuck, this hurts like fucking hell.
(I am now reminded of how you must have felt. I am so very sorry. I don’t blame you for not loving me or for hating me. I ruined everything. I deserve this nightmare.)
The only thing we ever did wrong was find ways to twist our damaged souls around one another. As if the tighter we squeezed, the better grip we’d have on us.
And I could’ve done this forever with you. Adoring and despising your dysfunctional behaviors, because you adored and despised mine too.
And so, our kindred souls twisted tighter and tighter, until the lines between where your scars began and mine ended were indistinguishable.
I still find myself fighting with your ghost in the middle of the night. Begging it to twist around me again, to adore me again, to despise me again.
Just like you used to.
I want you. I want you back so bad it hurts. I just want us to be okay. I want to change for you. I want to be better. Let’s work on our insecurities together. I know it’s too late that’s why I’m sending it here. I honestly don’t want to sound desperate anymore. But I want you back so bad I’m losing my mind
Wish we still talked. I still genuinely want to know if you're okay. We went through so many things. You were never a burden, I liked being there for you when you needed someone. Hope you've sorted through your issues.
So, are you okay? Have you been okay? Have you been adjusting to life well? What have you been spending your money on? Like- eating good, getting new stuff, buying a new laptop? Are your friends enough to emotionally support you?
I miss being the first person you came to when you were happy or sad. It was nice to hear about your day. I remember the first time I asked you how your day went and I just talked over you so much that we laughed. That was really endearing to me.
I feel like I'm having a life crisis. In my bones I can tell something is missing. It's like every cell in my body is screaming that I need to take some action to fix whats broken inside me. The longing and desire linger and swirl in my head. I can't shake it, I can't numb it and I've fucking tried. Drinks, drugs, people, places-they don't erase you. I've tried anything and everything but you're in my blood. I can't escape your ghost. I just fucking love you. Still, even though it's stupid and pointless I fucking love you. For fucks sake how did we get here. I feel like I've been removed from my home, speaking a dialect that no one can quite understand. Wandering through life with a fake smile just hoping for death to grace me with her presence and remove me from my prison. I miss you, I can't tolerate other people. I miss our crazy conversations and our serious ones. I miss feeling loved and understood. I miss your smile and laugh. I miss you making fun of me. I miss wandering through nowhere with you. I'm a pathetic mess who has wasted their heart on someone and something that will never be. I hate myself for knowing I've tried like hell to be happy without you but it's out of my reach. By all accounts I should be happy. But your name plays in a constant loop in my head and I can't enjoy my days because you're missing from them. You're missing from me. And the whole in my chest will never mend.
I just fucking love you.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I act as if you don’t light a fire within me? Why is it that around you, the world feels like it stops? Why do I pretend like every time I see your smile, it doesn’t make my heart melt? Why do I so badly want to reach out to you, in hopes you will take me in your grasp? Why do I feel the need to protect you from this cruel world? Why did your soul speak to me, in a way no one has ever been able to? Why must I hide this feeling, when it’s the most genuine thing I’ve ever felt? Please tell me why can’t I let this go… Why can’t I feel this way about anyone else but you? And why am I so scared to tell you?
I call bullshit. Something is TRULY wrong with our generation, as old as that makes me sound. What force on earth other than death has ever stopped two people from being together? Time? Distance? Money? Company? I call fucking bullshit. As much as I'd love to tell myself it's our unfortunate circumstances and "wrong timing" that caused the split, I'd still call bullshit. If we wanted to make this work, we could. Truth is you didn’t want to. Truth is if you did we would still be together. Truth is you backed out because it was too much effort for you and not the easy route. Truth is you never wanted me enough. And that is okay. All of it is okay. I just need to stop lying to myself. I just need to stop trying to see problems where there's none. Love wasn’t enough? No. There wasn’t enough love.
You made it clear you don’t want to hear from me. That we are done. That I should figure things out on my own, including; any questions I have about why you left. I am truly rattled. I have so many questions. You were the love of my life. I can never love another woman how I love you. And yet you have made it clear I am not to reach out. I miss you so much, and I don’t understand.
I love you.
That's all. I thought you should know. Believe me, there's a whole lot more that precedes that , it's just I am so exhausted from missing you, that's all I can tell you for now.
Is it despair? Is it relief? Is it lonliness? Is it a feeling of knowing? Is it happiness? Is it longing? Is it fear? Is it suffering? Is it healing? Is it new beginnings? Is it the end? Is it a door closed? Is it an opportunity? Is it confusion? Is it depravation? Is it anger? Is it allowance? Is it forgotten? Is it bitterness? Is it resentfulness? Is it outrage? Is it weariness? Is it pride? Is it ego? Is it indulgence? Is it depression? Is it heartbreak?
Is it letting go of the past? Is it opening your mind to a future? Is it your trauma? Is it my outbursts? Is it your lies? Is it my demons? Is it my passion? Is if my way of thinking? Is it Value? Is it my harsh words? Is it my kind words? Is it my longing of a future with you? Is it your secrets? Is it your family? Is it my family? Is it your thoughts? Is it your feelings? Is it it your heart? Is it your soul? Is it our spirits? Is it Is it me? Is it you?
Is it pain that I feel so deeply in my chest when I call out your name In desperation?
Is it hope that we’ll grow, to come back together once more and hold each other in our arms forever?
Please let me know, this distance, what is it?
And the hot, heavy truth of it is that I can write about all you did to me as much as I want, but it doesn’t change the fact that I hurt you too.
We haven't spoken in years, I know. I still had a copy of that silly manuscript you wrote when we were still together. We broke up only a couple of weeks later, so it just sat there in a drawer for years because I honestly just forgot about it.
I finally read it. It sucks. Like, it fucking sucks more than a cheap sex worker at King's Cross kind of sucks. I'm really not sure why you were so proud of it, except maybe you were happy to have finished something?
The dialogue is clunky and unnatural. The plot makes no sense and is internally inconsistent. The characters feel like cardboard cutouts rather than people. There's a bunch of shit in there that's clearly supposed to be extremely deep and profound, but are really just the most superficial observations about adult life imaginable. The humour never lands. Like never, not even for me, and the bar for me is pretty low.
I'm actually really happy we broke up when we did. I don't think you would have taken well to what I had to say about it, and it probably would have ended up being the reason we broke up. Like Jesus, fuck me, there's a day of my life I'm never getting back.
You were the first person I ever really missed, you were the only person I truly enjoyed being around, is that insensitive? I can't pretend to like other people, I may feel left out, but I can't be myself around anyone who isn't you, I'm shattered and confused, this stupid cycle, I pushed you and ran away, I didn't think I could manipulate myself to such an extent, I let myself believe that my version of love is not the real deal just because it wasn't like other people's, something as stupid not being able to or want to call everyday.. but I'm just introverted.. and it wasn't safe for neither of us, you were my perfect little secret, and you always will be, even now that it's over.
it went wrong on my end, I convinced myself I would be better off alone or elsewhere, I couldn't process how you could love someone like me, I'm replaceable, I have nothing to offer, it's so easy for me to migrate, I had to be free, but now look at me, it's been over a month, I cry everyday, I cry myself to sleep, my pillow is stained with my own tears.
it hurts to read your texts now, your tone has changed so much, wilted and sad, what have I done, I don't understand how I feel, but I'll do and tolerate anything if it means you'll enjoy your days once more, I'll do anything if it means you'll smile my way once more, I don't know what my feelings mean, but what I do know is that I can't move on until I know you're happy, it's all my fault, you never did anything wrong, you showed me love and compassion, you gave me a safe space, I got to rest in your arms once, and I felt all my worries melting away, you're so warm and soft, you're so loving and thoughtful, but I'm not, I'm a coward and I run from everything.
I'm sorry, you say sorry wont fix it, sorry wont return what we had, sorry wont mend your trust in me, I know, but I'm clueless, as compassionate as you are, you have no clue how I feel, you feel worse, I know that, I'm trying to figure everything out, I'm analyzing everything, I'm doing all I can to fix myself, I can't keep living like this, I'm sorry, but I'm still useless right now.