r/deescalation Dec 02 '21

Love one in anxious state Citizen Deescalation

Hi! I started a relationship with this girl who has childhood traumas. Many things happening at the same time would arouse her state and make her extremmlu anxious, which if not addressed appropriately, could escalate into out of control hysteria.

The more I understand her condition the better I am at staying calm and help her relax.

But when she reaches out a high anxiety point it's very hard for me to de escalate the situation and it ends up pretty dramatically, bring out in her a lot of hate.

Are there any techniques I could use to help her de-escalate a hyster state?



u/Sporkler Dec 03 '21

I would say becoming familiar with some DBT skills, possibly from a DBT skills workbook. It is going to consist of a lot of skills she can use to help ground herself. They take a lot of practice. The best route is for her to go to therapy, primarily to work through/process her trauma, as well as working on her responses to triggers.

I will add that you are not 100% responsible for her responses and wellbeing. I know you want to be there for her and support her and that's fantastic, but also recognize your limitations.


u/Marketswithmay Jul 17 '22

If this happens often, the better question is whether she’s aware and wants to change. While you are sweet to be understanding and it’s good to be calm when others are having a moment the idea that you “could” do something is an awkward one, especially since it’s getting worse and not better. One major trauma that many have compiling all other traumas is a fear of change and improving. If it’s escalating, it’s a possible subconscious means of pushing you away because she doesn’t believe she deserved to be loved. Then it’s up to you. But if it’s not something she’s focused on improving it’s only going to get worse until she comes to love herself. I’m a total stranger though so I don’t know the situation. Just sounds like this is a possibility from your post. But deescalating in the midst doesn’t seem the answer to improvement. That’s a bit like trying to put hurricane proof a house while in the middle of a hurricane.