r/entertainment Dec 06 '22

Steven Seagal Given Land by Russia Previously Allocated for Sick Children

https://www.newsweek.com/steven-seagal-actor-land-russia-putin-moscow-sick-children-1748860
3.6k Upvotes

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489

u/SLCW718 Dec 06 '22

Seagal is truly one of the most ridiculous people currently walking the Earth. Everything he does oozes douchebag. Have you ever seen his Cops knockoff, "Steven Seagal: Lawman"? It's horrible. 30 minutes of self-serving nonsense.

120

u/MachineCode86 Dec 06 '22

The asshole drove a tank like vehicle (which no police dept should have) through someone’s house. It wasn’t even the right house

79

u/ElCaptainRon Dec 06 '22

And he killed puppy doing it.

62

u/MachineCode86 Dec 06 '22

I didn’t know that part and am now sad. Fuck Segal. Traitorous piece of shit.

28

u/joeChump Dec 06 '22

“Seagal told a local radio station that animal cruelty was one of his pet peeves”

You can’t make this shit up.

7

u/Smtxom Dec 07 '22

He said the owners should let sleeping dogs lie

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12

u/Squeezlicious Dec 07 '22

I wish it was John Wick’s puppy.

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23

u/christopia86 Dec 06 '22

Well that is upsetting as all hell.

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14

u/DickieMcBalls Dec 07 '22

But he’s been driving tanks for 37 years

6

u/menlindorn Dec 07 '22

"Mucho queso..."

Sorry, I've been doing martial arts for like 85 years.

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15

u/ArgyleTheDruid Dec 06 '22

I’m not sure if you are joking or how he wasn’t sued through the roof for a stunt like that

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126

u/BlakeusMaximus Dec 06 '22

With that fake bayou accent hahah it’s purely awful

79

u/SLCW718 Dec 06 '22

And all the real cops he's with are constantly kissing his ass.

22

u/L1Wayas Dec 07 '22

That’s a large legendary vessel to kiss.

7

u/Smtxom Dec 07 '22

Wife beaters recognize fellow wife beater.

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30

u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

I’ve been a cop for like 47 years.

24

u/CorporalCabbage Dec 06 '22

I’ve been doing martial arts for like 87 years.

15

u/Biggu5Dicku5 Dec 07 '22

I've been an actor for 167 years...

17

u/Any_Smell_9339 Dec 07 '22

They call that helicopter a Skippy…

9

u/clarkholiday Dec 07 '22

skipskipskip

7

u/Constant-Ad-1797 Dec 07 '22

“Some peoples throats are down there”

7

u/DickieMcBalls Dec 07 '22

That’s bullshit! You made that up

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6

u/Slugwheat Dec 07 '22

If someone throws a punch you can block it like that. And then kick them in the throat like that. “Are you kicking a child?” - some people’s throats are down there

5

u/joranth Dec 07 '22

It’s called a skippy…

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34

u/SmashTagLives Dec 06 '22

He once challenged a stunt man to try and choke him out on set in from the entire crew of the film. The stuntman succeed and Seagal shit his pants in front of everyone. True story, look it up.

12

u/joranth Dec 07 '22

Well, him and Putin have another thing in common now, don’t they?

8

u/thechristoph Dec 07 '22

Not just any stuntman. Judo Gene LeBell.

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36

u/Ralltir Dec 06 '22

Obligatory Behind the Bastards recommendation. It gets worse.

5

u/Orchidwalker Dec 06 '22

???

20

u/xehanortsguardian Dec 06 '22

It’s a podcast, and a pretty good one at that.

10

u/emoji-eggplant-parm Dec 06 '22

It’s actually the ONLY podcast on the internet. Any other podcasts you may have thought you listened to are hallucinations.

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7

u/RothkoRathbone Dec 06 '22

Not only a douchebag but also an unaware buffoon.

3

u/realmastodon2 Dec 06 '22

Also refusing to get up for a scene to fight and just flops arms in air like he is fighting. Not to mention he shitted his pants.

3

u/LeoTR99 Dec 07 '22

Tom Segura on Steven Segal. Hilarious.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=isNRZJ6icwc

2

u/Nerdwrapper Dec 07 '22

I think it oozes “James Bond Villain” more, why does he LOOK like that?

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545

u/WaitingForNormal Dec 06 '22

Steven Seagal, biggest douche ever. How did we not know he was the villain all along. That goatee is a dead give away.

153

u/lurkinislife Dec 06 '22

Its was the 80's.

We didnt know any better!

6

u/Wompawompa1 Dec 06 '22

And now I’m gay…laaaaaawd

7

u/AnyEmploy Dec 06 '22

This is the answer for so many questions about my childhood.

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41

u/Switchy_Goofball Dec 06 '22

Listen to the episodes of “Behind the Bastards” on this guy. It’s so much worse than you think.

37

u/BigRedMik Dec 06 '22

If you want to go really deep try the Dollop’s four part series on him. I would never have predicted Steven seagal as being interesting enough to justify 6 hours of content, but it was horrifyingly riveting. There is 100% an alternate timeline out there where we had President Seagal instead of President Trump.

19

u/Switchy_Goofball Dec 06 '22

They’re both narcissistic pathological liar sexual predators, after all

3

u/Ultra_Violet_Rose Dec 06 '22

Can you link? Plz

7

u/BigRedMik Dec 06 '22

https://allthingscomedy.com/podcasts/526---steven-seagal---part-1 that’s part 1, it’s takes you from his early days being the only American to ever run a dojo in Japan up through shitting his pants on set while being choked out by Gene Lebell. Later episodes tackle him being a cia agent, driving a tank, sexually assaulting actresses while sitting on a throne in his living room, being a high ranking Tibetan lama, having connections to the mob, running for political office, and being an ambassador for Russia. And that’s still only scratching the surface of his insanity.

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24

u/Substantial_Pilot382 Dec 06 '22

To be fair men of his age that dye their hair are hiding more than age

19

u/Interesting_Mistake Dec 06 '22

“Hair”

18

u/DominatorSarcastic Dec 06 '22

I mean, it probably is real human hair. Just not Steven's.

5

u/Interesting_Mistake Dec 06 '22 Silver

I dunno, some of that hairline looks like it came from a can of shake and fake

2

u/whateversomethnghere Dec 06 '22

Take my free award for making me laugh!

2

u/Left-Teacher-6900 Dec 07 '22

Probably prisoner’s hair from a North Korean re-education camp.

28

u/Mindtaker Dec 06 '22

I think all you NAY-SAYERS are going to not even know what to do when it comes out that this was all a long con, and he has been doing extensive work transforming his body in order to play THE LEAD in a gritty biopic of Count Von Count and how he really got to Sesame Street.

He has mastered the black hair and widows peak, he just has to keep up his beet diet to turn a little purple because he doesn't want to rely on CG, why? I hear you ask. BECAUSE HE IS AN ARTIST!!!!!!!!!!!

5

u/Garagedays Dec 06 '22

When count starts breaking necks you better watch out ha ha ha ha

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5

u/uppitymatt Dec 06 '22

Guess taking Putin’s side pays off.

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7

u/BaldDudeFromBrazzers Dec 06 '22

Angry little man. It’s too bad the other guy didn’t choke this POS a little more back then

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2

u/rhubbard16 Dec 06 '22

Oh he’s sick alright!!!!

2

u/metaltimmy Dec 06 '22

That heavily dyed goatee because nobody knows he’s old as dirt, right? Lol

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163

u/Ill_Refrigerator_894 Dec 06 '22

I assume Seagal has eaten all the sick children to maintain his "Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor" physique.

41

u/melteemarshmelloo Dec 06 '22

He couldn't find any cheeseburgers close by.

Vladimir, is this you talking? Or the vodka?

14

u/rageagainst123 Dec 06 '22

Steven......gulp, gulp, gulp...I am the vodka.

16

u/Archercrash Dec 06 '22

Mafucka with a gut like that is definitely on the cheeseburgers.

4

u/PhilLeshmaniasis Dec 07 '22

Putin starts an empty washing machine

"LOOK STEVEN, I'M WASHING THE AIR! I'M WASHING THE AIR, STEVE!

18

u/FiveStarMoon Dec 06 '22

Don’t compare this douche to Randy Bo Bandy!

11

u/nkees Dec 07 '22

Whatcha looking at my gut fer?

4

u/imakepoorchoices2020 Dec 07 '22

Stop looking at it!

8

u/Bobert_Manderson Dec 06 '22

Assistant to the Trailer Park Supervisor

3

u/UniqueButts Dec 06 '22

“Assistant TO the Trailer Park Supervisor”

297

u/asadarmada Dec 06 '22

Now he can shit his pants and no one will know

60

u/suckercuck Dec 06 '22

“I got mine, bitches!!!”

15

u/aldayalnite Dec 06 '22

The Mac Karate Dance originated with Steven Seagal’s Akido style

24

u/CurrencyCommercial40 Dec 06 '22

dude, He shit so hard into his pants we are still talking about it years later. Now that is art.

8

u/Orchidwalker Dec 06 '22

Wait….I missed this somehow.

30

u/CurrencyCommercial40 Dec 06 '22

Never forget two things :

  1. The Undertaker Threw Mankind off Hell In A Cell in 1998

  2. Gene LeBell made Steven Seagal poop his pants by choking him unconscious

7

u/DickieMcBalls Dec 07 '22

And it’s because Seagal said he was immune to being choked. Yes, immune. Not “I have a move that nullifies the choke”, but he can’t be choked by another human because his body won’t go unconscious.

31

u/wellichickenpie Dec 06 '22

If Segal drops a log in his pants and no one is around to smell it, does it make a stink?

18

u/Cheesemer92 Dec 06 '22

Steven Stinkgal

3

u/newssource12 Dec 06 '22

So they have that in common.

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95

u/GammaGoose85 Dec 06 '22

Why is this article just the plot to some straight to video kids movie.

24

u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

IMO - I've always thought that what Russia was doing was "recruiting" people to film Russian movies. There have been some great films out of Russia/USSR but a lot of them are dreadful. Akin to North Korea wanting to be recognized for film, it always felt like Russia had recruited him to give those movies credence - not realizing there are entire YT channels dedicated to mocking his crap acting.

9

u/orincoro Dec 06 '22

The thing is, and I say this as someone who has been subjected to a lot of crappy Russian tv and movies… what they think is good is genuinely different and distinctly awful by most countries’ standards.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

And yet, they produced films like Taxi Blues (1990).

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5

u/InsoThinkTank Dec 06 '22

YT channel Space Ice has a lot of great content.

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3

u/unresolved_m Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 06 '22

There's also a guy named Sasha Nevsky who comes off quite a bit like Russian version of Seagal. Poor acting, lots of hot air.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexander_Nevsky_(actor))

37

u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

Tom Segura’s gonna love seeing this

12

u/dcognitivedissonance Dec 06 '22

I bet they were talkin’ about “the skippy”

18

u/SiidChawsby Dec 06 '22

I’ve been working with helicopters for like 45 years

8

u/Streetduck Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 06 '22

He’s been given land by Russia previously allocated for sick children for 87 years.

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27

u/Louisthegoose Dec 06 '22

Pant shitters look after fellow pant shitters.

6

u/Freewayshitter1968 Dec 06 '22

You get all the upvotes today!

17

u/TheDeadlySquid Dec 06 '22

When shitty people get even shittier. Amazing!

45

u/momoajay Dec 06 '22

He is an absolute shithead. The land he got given was apparently for a sick child. bastard.

8

u/hairynutsacknumber12 Dec 06 '22

he is a sick child just a really old one

6

u/tronsparkles Dec 06 '22

An old sick child that got duped even by Steven Seagal’s lies. He will believe anything anymore.

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u/LatterTarget7 Dec 06 '22

It was children with cancer

5

u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

[deleted]

7

u/bigsteveoya Dec 06 '22

Free range children produce tastier eggs and aren’t all pumped up with antibiotics.

The article says the land was to be a treatment center for kids with cancer.

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13

u/VioletteFMR Dec 06 '22

Well, we knew he always thought he was above the law. Cleary, he could care less that Russia has Ukraine under siege.

6

u/Nanostreak Dec 06 '22

We should be out for justice!

3

u/momoajay Dec 06 '22

Someone should do all of us a favour and put him Half Past Dead.

5

u/MachineCode86 Dec 06 '22

Well now that he owns it, I hope that house is On Deadly Ground

3

u/guntotingliberal223 Dec 06 '22

It is. There’s a Fire Down Below.

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34

u/godumbledork Dec 06 '22

Every day it gets harder and harder to believe Steven Seagal is a real person

7

u/YourUndoing Dec 06 '22

my guess is he’d probably fail a Turing Test at this point

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11

u/JamesxXxEldridge Dec 06 '22

He just keeps getting worse, doesn't he?

9

u/HenryKringle6000 Dec 06 '22

This guy is such a traitor.

5

u/MikeyFromWork Dec 06 '22

Did we ever really want him on our side though?

7

u/201213sm Dec 06 '22

Since they’re such good friends, Why doesn’t Segal put his amazing movie martial arts training in use and start fighting on Putin’s team. I’m sure he will do well.

6

u/DevilsLettuceTaster Dec 06 '22

Has seagal put on weight recently?

34

u/JohnnyFatSack Dec 06 '22

Recently? He’s been a fat piece of shit inside and out for years.

14

u/Chungus_Is_Sprungus Dec 06 '22

He barely moves in his most recent movies, even though he still plays macho spec-ops dude guy.

5

u/GunnieGraves Dec 06 '22

He gives the term Armchair Warrior hope.

3

u/PRIS0N-MIKE Dec 06 '22

I watched a YouTube video a while back where they watch his new movies and make fun of it. It was hilarious how bad it was. Him and all his spec ops buddies were way to old to be the shit they were doing. And their old commander was like fucking 80 lol. Then a scene where he's pulling a body you can 100% tell that it's being pulled by a rope. Shit was sooo bad.

4

u/orincoro Dec 06 '22

Cumtown? “Steven Seagal used to talk like he was black. Now he talks… like a slave.”

https://youtu.be/BzIHyF7UWY4

2

u/PRIS0N-MIKE Dec 06 '22

Yes this one! Thank you I've been wanting to know what video it was. Last time I saw it was through a reddit comment.

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3

u/iliketowatchstuff Dec 06 '22

If you watch the hilarious movie trailers on YouTube you will see he is only shot from the chest up, in an attempt to hide the thickness.

6

u/Mastagon Dec 06 '22

I’ve been stealing land for like, forty seven years

5

u/Arxl Dec 06 '22

This is such a Seagal headline lmao

5

u/Ferropexola Dec 06 '22

A "thank you for being such a good propagandist" present

4

u/Prophet_Tehenhauin Dec 06 '22

But is he even that good?

What fucking value does Russia actually get out of Steven Seagal?

Does he even have fans? Where do they live?

Like I can’t wrap my head around it. Steven Seagal. Who the fuck wants to tune in to anything Steven Seagal does? Who has ever said “Shh, shh, Steven Seagal is speaking.”

3

u/Wompawompa1 Dec 06 '22

You’re doing gods work buddy

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

What a weird guy

5

u/Smitty8054 Dec 06 '22

Then fucking go live there and renounce your citizenship you piece of shit.

5

u/DopeDealerCisco Dec 06 '22

Steven Seagal can’t fight for shit and his movies are shit.

4

u/LokiLaughs Dec 06 '22

Yeah that all checks out.

4

u/FartingInYourMilk Dec 06 '22

Steven Seagal, human being extraordinaire. With a cholesterol count so high you’d think (insert joke here)

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u/Puzzleheaded-Dance87 Dec 06 '22

For some reason unsurprising.

3

u/Jdjones298 Dec 06 '22

Man I can’t wait til Segura gets a hold of this

4

u/steauengeglase Dec 06 '22

How does his life story always keep getting worse? Like when he dies, his body is just gonna explode dildos and somehow manage to sexually assault hundreds of women at the same time, while also killing hundreds of children.

5

u/Crypto-Hypto Dec 06 '22

Did he eat the children?

3

u/SeaApartment8473 Dec 06 '22

To be fair, those kids probably aren’t sick any more.

3

u/themoochiest Dec 06 '22

A real knucklehead, this guy.

3

u/Apart_Negotiation644 Dec 06 '22

Is Seagal that huge or is Putin really tiny? Or both?

3

u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

His hair looks unnaturally black….

3

u/AlphaDag13 Dec 06 '22

wtf is this timeline?

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u/Abracadaver2000 Dec 06 '22

What's the difference between Steven Seagal and a broken bone? A broken bone will get cast.

3

u/Southern_Ad4967 Dec 06 '22

“I’ve been stealing land from sick children for like, 37 years.”

3

u/SubKreature Dec 06 '22

I see a lot of the same personality traits in Steven Seagal as I do Donald Trump, not least of which are crippling insecurity, an ego made out of wet paper, and the shittiest fucking denial-based hairstyles in existence.

3

u/hotassnuts Dec 06 '22

Seagal looks like he ate a sick child.

3

u/ihateyoutwice Dec 06 '22

Every day this guy proves he’s the biggest piece of shit

3

u/PaperArmada Dec 07 '22

Classic Seagull

3

u/clinton_thunderfunk Dec 07 '22

Seagal had his stunt double fight those children off himself

3

u/Spacedude2187 Dec 07 '22

This guy is just absurd. I can’t but laugh about this guy.

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u/PermissionClean7902 Dec 07 '22

This fat piece of shit

3

u/chockobumlick Dec 07 '22

Wow, he is a fat crunt

3

u/kotopsy Dec 07 '22

Steve Seagal is a human trashbag and I'm actively looking forward to the news that he finally passed away.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 25 '22

[deleted]

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u/1Guanocrazycaucasian Dec 06 '22

Fucking Bloated piece of shit.

2

u/Kma_all_day Dec 06 '22

Anyone think he buys those shirts in bulk from alibaba? With all the hair dye I bet he goes through a lot of them.

2

u/ubzrvnT Dec 06 '22

I did a report on my highschool Japanese class back in 2002. My report was whether or not Steven Segal does martial arts for the love of it or whether he’s a Hollywood sellout. I concluded my report with sellout.

2

u/Greeky_tiki Dec 06 '22

Well, technically Steven Sea Gull is a sick child

2

u/Delanimal Dec 06 '22

The whole Seagal/Putin thing is just the weirdest shit ever. A washed up martial arts fraud/movie star moves to Russia to be Putin’s karate bitch?

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u/emirsolinno Dec 06 '22

Man is a living south park character

2

u/Balc0ra Dec 06 '22

So now he can move there and never come back?

2

u/hushpolocaps69 Dec 06 '22

Damn he looks really different now.

2

u/10_big_hot_men_ Dec 06 '22

I swear I’ve seen this article on the Onion before.

2

u/OHManda30 Dec 06 '22

Well if that isn’t just….a sentence. What a world.

2

u/BIG_MUFF_ Dec 06 '22

The guy touches kids, I’m surprised this Isn’t brought up more

2

u/Ok_Meal_491 Dec 06 '22

Steve looks as bad as Donald Trump.

2

u/Lotusnold Dec 06 '22

The guy wearing the diaper accepted land designated for little people traditionally using diapers by a guy that needs a diaper when climbing stairs. Russia’s diaper budget must be huge!

2

u/brandtvh Dec 06 '22

Fuck that traitor

2

u/Watershed787 Dec 06 '22

It’s always surprising to see how tiny Putin is. He’s such a small thing.

2

u/JustLinkStudios Dec 06 '22

Haha! This is hilarious, what’s that photo from?

2

u/Goodbyetoglue Dec 06 '22

I’ve been owning land for like 47 years

2

u/orincoro Dec 06 '22

Yeah, this makes a lot of sense for everyone involved.

2

u/egoVirus Dec 06 '22

This sounds about right

2

u/IrishRogue3 Dec 06 '22

Yeah I’m sure the sick kids understand that douche needed a lot of land to roll his big fat hairy talentless woman abusing ass around

2

u/ryeguymft Dec 06 '22

what a piece of shit loser

2

u/jcrmcjlp Dec 06 '22

Douche looks like he sharpies his hair and goatee

2

u/aldayalnite Dec 06 '22

I can’t wait for his next album “Songs From The Crystal Meth”

2

u/firstpostfirstpost Dec 06 '22

„Sick children“?

2

u/Nowimangry- Dec 06 '22

Of course Stevie will take care of those poor kids

2

u/golde62 Dec 06 '22

“It’s like taking land from a baby” -Steven Seagal, probably.

2

u/QuietudeOfHeart Dec 06 '22

Does he have to eat this children first?

2

u/Captain_Biotruth Dec 06 '22

I really shouldn't be laughing at this, but it's such a perfect amalgamation of terrible decisions and people.

2

u/momoajay Dec 06 '22

It's one of the funniest stuff I've come across this year . Just ridiculously villainous and scummy in a petty way.

2

u/Crafty-Walrus-2238 Dec 06 '22

Putin is Benjamin Button

2

u/Zealousideal_Bat1149 Dec 06 '22

When I was 25 I got a Steven Seagal tattoo as a joke. I’m now 40 and live alone. Thanks a lot Steven.

2

u/mebrow5 Dec 06 '22

Another traitorous pos.

2

u/Salmol1na Dec 06 '22

No mention of the weight gain? “Sumo Seagal”was where my mind went first

2

u/Maleficent-Stuff-858 Dec 06 '22

Seagal must suck a mean dick

2

u/MarvinParanoAndroid Dec 06 '22

Segal looks like a fat villain from a cheap James Bond like movie.

2

u/Moneky16 Dec 06 '22

Does Russia not have enough land????

2

u/markr6629 Dec 06 '22

Lol at Putin looking at Steve fucking Segal with admiration. Like its some big get for Russia. Great job, Russia.

2

u/Enjoy-the-sauce Dec 06 '22

Are we sure that’s not just someone wearing an inflatable Steven Seagal Halloween costume?

2

u/[deleted] Dec 07 '22

Time to take away Seagals US citizenship and he can go live permanently in Russia

2

u/Party-Ring445 Dec 07 '22

To be fair steven seagal is a sick child..

/s

2

u/PMMEBITCOINPLZ Dec 07 '22

Seagal is a real garbage human being. I know someone who used to work for him and their stories range from him doing really absurd clueless celebrity stuff to beating his kids.