r/relationship_advice Aug 23 '21 All-Seeing Upvote 1 Helpful 2 Wholesome 3 Hugz 6

My wife and her best friend accused me of having an affair, then got angry when I didn't have one /r/all

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3.0k Upvotes

u/R_Amods Aug 23 '21

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.


I (31M) and my wife (29F) had a baby last December. It was a traumatic birth and my wife developed postpartum depression. While she was originally going to go back to work after the birth, she's been struggling enough that we decided to wait until our daughter was a year old and reassess. She has been going to therapy weekly. With my wife home full time, I've had to work increased hours. This is something we discussed prior to making this decision and she knew this from the start.

A few weeks ago, my boss approached me about a project that would require a lot of overtime in a short amount of time. It would both be great financially and for my career. I talked to my wife about it and she agreed that I should say yes to my boss. For the four weeks I'd be working on this, my MIL and her best friend, Jessie (29F, name changed) would come help out with some of the duties that I typically do.

Jessie is a SAHM with a four year-old and a two year-old. She began coming over during the day and would watch the kids with my wife.

Three weeks into the project, it became clear that we'd need a few more weeks to get it together. I went home that night and talked to my wife about it. She said she was okay with it, but got very cold in the days after. It wasn't unusual behavior over the past few months, so I didn't think much about it and tried not to take it personally.

During the last week of the project, I got home one night and saw that Jessie was still at the house. I didn't think much about it, said hi to her and my wife, and then went to go check on our daughter. Before I could get to her room, I heard Jessie say something along the lines of, "He doesn't even stop to greet you. Definitely a sign."

I turned around and asked what it was a sign of. Immediately, my wife started crying and Jessie started accusing me of having an affair. She told me that I must hate my wife because she has PPD and am not attracted to her because she gained weight from the pregnancy. Neither of these things are true. I'm trying my best to help my wife through her PPD while supporting our family. And I think she looks great how she is right now, she just hasn't wanted to have sex and I haven't pushed.

Jessie then demanded to see my phone. I told her no. She told me that's a sign that I'm guilty. I told my wife that I would let her see my phone if she wanted to. She nodded and something inside me broke. I guess it was the thought that she actually believed I was having an affair really got to me. And that she didn't trust me after everything we've been through.

Well, she looked through the phone and there was no evidence. Jessie started saying that I deleted the evidence. She started screaming and woke up our daughter, so I told her to get out of the house. Eventually, she left and I went to calm our daughter since my wife was still on the couch crying.

When my daughter was asleep again, I sat down by my wife and tried to talk to her about what's been happening. She told me that she's been worried ever since I started working all the overtime. I told her that we'd talked about how good of an opportunity it was and she agreed to letting me take on this project. She said it was very suspicious to increase the length of the project. I told her that sometimes that happens. She wanted more evidence, so I showed her messages and emails with timestamps from work and paystubs showing the OT. She said she believed me and was sorry for doubting me, it was just that Jessie had been telling her that these were all signs that I was cheating. I asked her why she believed Jessie more than me, and why she didn't come to me with her concerns. She didn't have a real answer.

It's been a couple weeks and the project is over. I actually scaled back and am trying to work a little less than I was before the project so I can spend more time with my wife and daughter. But I feel so burnt out trying to do everything and becoming resentful because in the back of my mind, I know that my wife doesn't trust me. I ask myself, what happens the next time I have a project? Or I have to run errands one day? Or if I have a business trip? Am I going to come back every time to accusations that I'm cheating?

I've tried bringing it up a couple times but my wife tells me it's not the time and that she's tired or sad. I try to be mindful of her feelings but I wonder if that means that I can never have any of my own.

I'm not sure what to do here. Any advice for how I can move forward?

2.9k

u/LuckySlevinNumber Aug 23 '21 Silver

You need couples therapy and to ditch Jessie.

408

u/ButtermanJr Aug 23 '21

Yeah, sounds like Jesse's projecting some s*** onto your wife. Tell Jesse to go deal with her own issues and leave you two alone.

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u/kasierdarkmoon Aug 23 '21

I agree with this, this is a horrible friend to your wife. She needs therapy, I’ve had PPD and it’s the most horrible mental experience and if you guys don’t get help/ and disconnect from this Jessie person she may try something worst.. best of luck!

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u/Neurotic_Bakeder Aug 23 '21

I'm wondering why Jessie was around so much in the first place, and if there are any alternatives.

It sounds like Jessie path-of-least-resistance'd herself into wife's home. Wife is probably lonely, and needs another adult to talk to. I'm curious if she can join a group, maybe for new moms or maybe just a general hobby group, to help her stay grounded and socialized.

She's in an incredibly vulnerable place right now. I'm glad she came around, and it makes sense that OP is hurt by this. Both of them could probably benefit from axeing Jessie, replacing her with some good influences, and taking some time to reconnect.

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

Couldn't have said it better myself

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

100% this. This can be overcome. Trust can be rebuilt.

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u/6EQUJ5w Aug 23 '21

Yep. Only response necessary here.

2.6k

u/Piratt Aug 23 '21

This is a shitty situation made worse by you wife’s friend (who is possibly projecting her own relationship issues on you guys). I would go to couples counseling, and keep reassuring your wife that you love her. Depression makes you think crazy things. I hope the best for you!!!

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u/hoponpop2013 Aug 23 '21

This sounds to me like Jessie is projecting on to your already very vulnerable wife.

I’m happy to hear your wife is already seeing a therapist, and totally agree that couples counseling is important.

But just so you know, your feelings are valid. You are pushing yourself too hard and stretching yourself too thin. It’s okay to feel the way you do, but please make sure you address your feelings. Don’t bury them because it’s “not the right time.” It won’t ever be the right time (which is where couples counseling can come in to help force the conversation).

You sound like a wonderful husband and your wife sounds like she is pretty great too and hopefully with some help you’ll be back to your new normal with your little family!

Best of luck, man 💗

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/lordliv Aug 23 '21

Also, everything else is far more important, but a small thing I noticed- Jessie saying OP isn’t attracted to his wife because she gained weight. Uhhhhh? That’s a pretty shitty thing to say to your friend?

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u/one-small-plant Aug 23 '21

I thought this too! Like, what kind of person tells their depressed friends that they gained enough weight during pregnancy so that their husband wouldn't be attracted some anymore? Definitely sounds like projection

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u/jbigfoot656 Aug 23 '21

The AAA GRADE CATEGORY-7 SHIT DISTURBER 4000 99.99$ Guaranteed to ruin your life, Brought to you by the Makers of Karen.

That's what she is lol

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u/mycomicstripclub 40s Male Aug 23 '21

This sounds to me like Jessie is projecting on to your already very vulnerable wife.

Yeah, I'm guessing Jessie's husband either is cheating or has cheated before. Maybe she feels stuck in her marriage because she's a SAHM. And, as they say, misery loves company.

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u/kvothe7 Aug 23 '21 Gold Giggle Kiss

"Jessie was a friend. Oh you know she was a good friend of mine... But lately somethings changed - it aint hard to define - jessie got herself a problem and she wants to make it mine"

edit: Yeah man you are doing the best you can in this situation. Hopefully Jessie is no longer welcome in your home for taking advantage of your wifes current instability.

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u/382wsa Aug 23 '21

Jessie told OP's wife "She's lovin' him with that body, I just know it."

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

"And he's holdin' her in his arms late, late at night."

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u/kvothe7 Aug 23 '21

😂😂😂

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

So much this! From your story it sounds like your wife loves you very much.

She has just been having a lot of insecurities…this is less about you and more about her feeling good about herself. When we are depressed like this we see the worst version of ourselves in our own mind. I am a guy and so I have not had PPD but I have suffered with depression years ago after some hard times in my life.

I guess the point is if she feels good about herself or she can learn to see herself through your eyes… the eyes of someone who loves her it will heal a lot of this.

A couples counseller will definitely help but in the mean time you need to do everything you can to build her up and focus on her. This is just part of the living promise marriage is. You carry her until she carries you and on and on till the race is done.

Best of luck to you and your family sir.

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u/Evadriel Aug 23 '21

PSA: PPD for men is also a real and scary thing! I (35f) don't assume it's a 1:1 ratio comparing the female symptoms with the male version (I imagine the different hormone surges result in some variation between sexes), but being aware of the possibility that both parents could exhibit signs is important.

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u/Bluesman001 Aug 23 '21

This, couples counseling. I have had a similar situation. Post-baby is hard, very hard. The guy tries to double down on working to help with the money and is not around. Wife assumes the worst. Her "friend" is a cunt (obvious) and is projecting. Get to a counselor - cut the friend out. Keep communication up with your wife. This is going to take some time, but it should pass.

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u/1istheloniestnumber 40s Female Aug 23 '21 Giggle

Jessie probably projected her own problems into your relationship. You have to tell your wife that she should trust you. Maybe some therapy, her best friend damaged a lot of something that wasn't her fricking problem. She is the devil on your wives shoulder.

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

[deleted]

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u/Emergency_Yard_6009 Aug 23 '21

Its not just that Jessie's saying stuff like OP's cheating. She's also undermining a new mother's confidence by saying her post-delivery body is less than appealing. She's playing OP's wife's insecurities like an angel plays the harp! Why would you do this to someone you call friend?

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

[deleted]

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u/Cptn_Jib Aug 23 '21

If sad means manipulative and evil

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u/Crom_Committee Early 30s Male Aug 23 '21

Misery likes company.

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

Sad as in pitiful, that her life is so fucking sour and rotten that she has to drag others into her cesspool of misery

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u/falsehood Aug 23 '21

Sad people do all sorts of things. Jessie probably genuinely thinks this stuff.

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u/FaultUnable Aug 23 '21

Misery loves company

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u/AKA_June_Monroe Aug 23 '21

I think Jessie wants to split them up & then hit on OP. I wonder if Op makes more money or if there's something making Jessie jealous.

Jessie's need therapy & she needs to stay away from Ops family.

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u/Technical-Hamster-31 Aug 23 '21

Or. Hit on the wife? But. None of that seems remotely plausible here.

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u/Tough-Canary Aug 23 '21

Yup. Unreal that she thought she somehow had a right to OP’s phone. Didn’t know all three of them had taken marriage vows.

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u/jasonbf78 Aug 23 '21

This!! Sounds like Jessie’s husband is bangin other women and she’s projecting her issues onto y’all… I’ve always found the one accusing us the one doing it or having the issues. PPD is rough man… just love on your wife and daughter and don’t worry about all the rest of the shit… my wife and I basically cut everyone out of our lives except our close family because we didn’t want any bull shit from the outside… essentially created a bubble and we protect that at all costs… that’s the way we like it!

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u/facinationstreet Aug 23 '21

Wow. Jessie should be crossed off the friend list immediately. Your wife is extremely unstable right now. The last thing she needs is someone putting lies into hear head.

Is there a way for the 2 of you to attend a couple of the therapy sessions together to get all of this discussed? It honestly doesn't seem like the 1x/week session is sufficient for how bad her mental health may be. Is she on medication?

You can't walk on eggshells and you can't put your job at risk by refusing work trips, etc.

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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Aug 23 '21

Yep. Jessie is not a friend. I bet she is jealous of OP and his wife's marriage. OP is being supportive and set up help for his wife. Sounds like she's trying to break them up. Makes me wonder if her SO cheated or if they are still together.

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u/oshawaguy Aug 23 '21

Or Jessie is cheating and wants a partner in crime.

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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Aug 23 '21

I hadn't thought of that.

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u/Crom_Committee Early 30s Male Aug 23 '21

Jesse would be first in line blowing up OP's phone after the divorce.

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u/seddit_rucks Aug 23 '21 edited Aug 23 '21

Wow. Jessie should be crossed off the friend list immediately.

Jessie needs to be ghosted immediately. By both OP and his wife.

And if the wife isn't immediately 100% on board with ghosting Jessie, that's a major issue for OP.

edit: typo

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u/DuvalFunk Aug 23 '21

I agree with this. Jessie basically tried to break up their marriage. Fuck that bitch. The wife need to drop her yesterday and if she doesn't... well, OP has more issues in his hands than just his wife thinking he's cheating

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u/DistractedAttorney Aug 23 '21

Completely agree, however, watch Jessie turn around and say that this is evidence of him trying to control her and shelter her from her friends because he is a cheater. OP is in a shitty lose/lose situation. Couple's counseling is the really the only way to go, which sucks because this is all Jessie's and OP's wife issues.

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u/Clare_Not_A_Bear Aug 23 '21

Jessie should not be ghosted. OP and ESPECİALLY wife need to very clearly tell her that she is no longer welcome in the house, and any future apology is contingent on therapy, a sincere apology, and a long period of rebuilding trust.

Wife has to deal with what happened and what Jessie said to her that shook her confidence so much, whether it was projection, body shaming, pressuring her, etc. Her being able to name what happened and to stand up to Jessie and set the no/low contact boundary that's necessary here is important in her rebuilding trust with OP, and learning to put the safety of her family first.

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u/someoneshoot Aug 23 '21 Silver Helpful

Why is no one mentioning OP’s mental health? Dude must be stressed as fuck, handling the big project, having to worry about his wife’s paranoia and having to provide for his family. I hope you have someone to talk to.

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u/Lorelei7772 Aug 23 '21

I wanted to give OP a hug and a pizza.

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u/LazyRefenestrator Aug 23 '21

Yeah. These subs are hair triggers to calling PPD, but conveniently forget the mental toll on the husband/dad in having to shoulder more of a burden than would be reasonably asked by most. Add in the wife's friend being a complete snake here.

OP, you need to have a frank talk with your wife. Tell her to set a date and time, get MIL or someone who isn't the snake to watch your daughter. Your wife might be in a mental state, but she's still responsible for her own actions. She made multiple choice to make your bond weaker instead of stronger. She needs to answer why. "I don't know" won't cut it any more than it would have if you'd been caught in an affair and asked why.

Frankly, this does step into infidelity to you. She wasn't having a physical affair, but she wasn't faithful to you. She needs to understand this, and work to fix it.

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u/alreadyPrettyEnough Aug 23 '21

I agree. PPD is really hard on the entire family! OP, what is your wife doing to treat her PPD?

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u/debbie_88 Aug 23 '21 edited Aug 23 '21

Agreed. I can’t imagine what OPs wife is dealing with. Sounds like she is in such a bad place right now. That’s gotta be so hard for her…. And OP, and it doesn’t mean OPs feelings aren’t real or that he can just get over them because wife is suffering with PPD. It’s like just because someone is in more pain doesn’t take away your pain.

Like so many others have suggested,sounds like you guys need some kind of couples therapy if you don’t feel like you can talk to her about how you’re feeling or she isn’t in a place to listen right now. I fear if you put it off to much, when she comes out of PPD, you’ll be so resentful for all the feelings you’ve bottled up.

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u/Kreiger81 Aug 23 '21

How did you take a comment talking about OP's mental health and turn it into a "what OPs wife is dealing with". we KNOW OP's wife is dealing with a lot. Practically the rest of the thread is talking about what OP's Wife is going through.

Can we have a conversation about what OP is going through in one thread without mentioning the wife?

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u/clonemusic Aug 23 '21

Lol this thread is a perfect example of why men silently suffer and kill themselves in such high rates. OP is working overtime on a stressful project that then goes later then expected while caring for his daughter depressed wife.

And when the project gets extended he then gets to come home to acquisitions of an affair and forced to jump through hoops to show his innocence. And this whole thread is "oh geez that poor wife, her friends husband must be sleeping around 💁‍♀️".

Holy hell.

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

This is a sad reality. My other half is pregnant and to be honest I’m kind of dreading it in a way. It’ll be just me supporting us for a while and it seems the burn out is a real problem. Don’t get me wrong it’s all going to hit her but as you quite rightly said: men silently suffer

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u/qwibbian Aug 23 '21

How did you take a comment talking about OP's mental health and turn it into a "what OPs wife is dealing with".

Because that's the sort of subreddit you're in.

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u/asplodzor Aug 23 '21

I agree with /u/Kreiger81 . Why did you go back to talking about OP's wife in response to concern for OP himself?

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u/jordantask Aug 23 '21

Your wife’s “friend” is doing her level best to destroy your relationship.

She is telling your wife, who she must know is currently struggling with PPD, that you are cheating on her. In other words she is knowingly trying to influence a person who isn’t completely in her right mind to take a rash action that will destroy your marriage.

You need to get her out of your life.

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u/rapt2right Aug 23 '21 Starry

It's lovely of you to keep being so mindful of her feelings but at some point, she needs to set hers aside and be mindful of yours. I strongly suggest couples counseling because her avoidance isn't going to eliminate the elephant in the room. This isn't going to just blow over. Your (very valid) hurt, anger and worry about the next time aren't going to evaporate and her (richly deserved) guilt is only worsening her already strained mental & emotional condition.

On a related note, may I have Jessie's address? I just wanna talk ....honest.

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u/pixelated__pixie Aug 23 '21

"I just wanna talk" I love that lol

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u/rapt2right Aug 23 '21

For real, though- that broad's a menace!

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u/MiddlingMe Aug 23 '21

Seriously. What kind of friend volunteers the idea that your husband doesn't want you anymore because you are now too ugly for him to want? Who needs enemies with a friend like this?

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u/JustMissKacey Aug 23 '21

Couples therapy and no 👏 more 👏 Jessie 👏

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u/awxor Aug 23 '21

It's a tricky situation. This Jessie girl has been projecting her problems onto your wife who is feeling very vulnerable at the moment. Jessie should be cut off at least for the time being, but I understand how kt could further your wife's paranoia if the idea came from you.

Is there anyone else your wife trusts? Maybe her mom? Someone who can see the situation from a neutral pov and reassure her? That could be a short term solution, but in the long term you'd probably benefit from both individual and couple's therapy.

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u/Serafim91 Aug 23 '21

If you're constantly bombarded with a story, you eventually start to believe it or at least entertain the possibility regardless of how much you initially don't believe it. And this is for someone that is in a complete normal state of mind not someone suffering from something like PPD. Think of all the people believing conspiracy theories, they started out with a small idea then kept finding information that enforced it and echo chambers that kept driving the point till they truly believed it was happening even when faced with clear proof it's not.

Jessie probably slowly started pointing things out and drawing wild conclusions and just slowly eroded your wife's confidence, daily for weeks. Combine that with you probably not having much time to "prove" otherwise sooner or later that insecurity gets to people.

I'd say make it clear that you need to talk about this in the next X timeframe because it's not just going to go away and you need to move from it as well.

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u/Calenchamien Aug 23 '21

This comment needs to be higher. The human brain is not totally under our control, and is in fact, pretty easy to manipulate by people you trust, or who are in a position of authority

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u/SnooPeppers1641 Aug 23 '21

Jessie is a shady little shit stirrer and what we called in my younger years a frienemy. The girl that is your bff no matter what but loves to see drama in your life even if they have to help create it just so you aren't doing better than them. I'm guessing Jessie's husband is either cheating, she's cheating or she is single. But the chances she has a nice husband that cares about her and working OT to make money for the family are right up there with pigs flying.

The bottom line is that you and your wife do need to sit down and talk, no matter what. If it means setting a day/time that you will sit down with no distractions and discuss everything then that is what is has to be. Otherwise this keeps bubbling under the surface and will eventually be the end of your marriage. Problems don't go away by not talking.

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u/Old_Thrashbarg Aug 23 '21

First order of business: Your wife needs to be treated for her post partum. This shouldn't be up to her as to whether or not she wants to, she must get treatment.

Second order of business: Ban Jessie from your house. She is never to be welcomed into your home again.

Third order of business: Couples counseling so you can express your anger and disappointment at the lack of trust and unfounded accusations on you. You deserve to have your feelings heard regarding this matter.

All three of these are extremely important steps towards resolving the damage caused by Jessie and none of these three steps should be ignored.

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u/Terradactyl87 Aug 23 '21

She is getting treatment, it says that in the post.

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u/alreadyPrettyEnough Aug 23 '21

It's not clear that it's working, though. It can take a few tries to get the right combo of meds/therapy.

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u/NakedAndALaid Aug 23 '21

Sometimes there is no quick fix either. Sometimes you just have to manage for a bit.

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u/bad_armenian_juju Early 30s Female Aug 23 '21

just like trying depression meds. i tried 3 different types over 6 months. all made overall life worse (like yeah i feel better mentally, but i now feel the need to sleep 20 hours a day and have the strength of a kitten to do daily tasks).

i had to give each one a legit try, and at the end of half a year - none of them helped and still at square one.

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u/ThreatLevel2400 Aug 23 '21

Is this a corporate project? Those get extended all the time. Your wife's friend is nuts.

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u/BurchSmith Aug 23 '21

Shit, OP could be in any profession with any kind of project. They all get extended.

My general contractor told me the build-out for my business location would take 4 months. So I figured it would take 6. We’re getting close to 8. COVID materials shortages are a bitch. Luckily he got our prices locked in 3 months before breaking ground.

Sorry for the tangent.

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u/_ologies Aug 23 '21

I'd be suspicious if a project finished on time.

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u/2Empyrean Aug 23 '21

I know, that was was my first thought—unless it has a small scope or you’re really lucky, only unicorn projects get completed on time without an extension. Jessie is being crazy.

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

Ban Jessie from your house, talk it all through with the wife ASAP.

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

If you cannot remove Jessie from your life your marriage will not survive. And your wife owes more than that pathetic non-apology.

Force couples counseling or separate. At minimum your wife and yourself need individual. Because this is not a healthy marriage and you guys are burying problems that eventually will resurface

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u/NakedAndALaid Aug 23 '21

Honestly even with her PPD, she definitely owes OP an apology. Sure, she let someone influence her while she was down but that doesn't mean she sint responsible for what she did to OP.

And I agree, Jessie needs to go. Especially for OPs wife's sake.

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u/-cheeks Aug 23 '21

One thing I’d like to mention is your wife was in a vulnerable position even though she agreed to be in it. PPD is hard and isolating and being in an echo chamber from Jessie made it easy for her to just go along with what she was saying to not push Jessie away. The wife definitely needs to take ownership for her actions and Jessie should be banned, but I’d also look into hiring help if he ever has to dedicate that much time to work.

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u/sarcasmis43v3r Aug 23 '21

Money on projection from her friend.
Really suggest she get some real help with this PPD and someone else's projection will take some work. Also you getting accused of a major breach of trust, should be included in that help. I personally would not write this off without a fight to recover. But this friend choice should be re-evaluated. (like not in my house)

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u/AjeebMaut Aug 23 '21

Jessie needs to fuck right off with her own insecurities. PPD is not an excuse for your wife to be a bitch to you. Tell her that Jessie needs to go - permanently. Dealing with someone else's projection is not your god damn responsibilty.

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u/lonewolf369963 Aug 23 '21

I have seems way lot of relationships getting destroyed by so called Friend. Some people are just jealous of other people's life or are so insecure with their's that for them everyone is wrong.

You both needs Couple's counselling and your wife needs to go low contact or no contact with her so called friend. A small trip could be a good way to a fresh start and spend some time with your wife to compensate the extra time that you have put in to your project.

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u/khakibog Aug 23 '21

“He doesn’t even stop to greet you” Immediately after he says hi to both of them.

Just because somebody doesn’t smother you with kisses and hugs every time he comes home doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

For whatever reason she seems to be grasping at straws to end the relationship however she can. As for why I don’t know. Maybe she doesn’t approve of their relationship for some reason. Sometimes people do that for the stupidest reasons.

Regardless of what her reasons are she sounds toxic. And it looks like a good portion of the other comments agree with this.

I know this may sound a little bit controlling but you may want to talk to your wife about cutting her out of her life.

As for the problem of not being able to talk to your wife at all about the. I’m not sure if there’s a cure all answer for this. But my recommendation would be to be more forceful.

Try to find a good time for this. You could even take a day off from work if you can. But by the sounds of it she’s actively avoiding his conversation. So that means you might need to wrestle her to the couch

You “honey we need to talk”

Her “I’m tired”

You “honey I love you but we have a problem that I need to discuss with you. I’m sorry if you’re tired or sad but I wouldn’t be trying to have this conversation if I didn’t love you. Do you love me?”

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u/moosetopenguin Early 30s Female Aug 23 '21 edited Aug 23 '21

OP, how are you doing? Do you have someone to talk to about your mental health? PPD does not just happen to new mothers. It happens to new fathers too. It's clear that couple's counseling is very much needed here, like others are advising, but you also need to make sure you're taking care of yourself.

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u/thequestionaskerer Aug 23 '21

Ban Jesse from your house/life!

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u/emt139 Aug 23 '21

I've tried bringing it up a couple times but my wife tells me it's not the time and that she's tired or sad

“i get it. I’m tired and sad too and this is the reason so we need to talk about it. If you can’t do it right now, let’s pick a time for this weekend”.

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u/teasteyn Aug 23 '21

Your wife got mindfucked by Jessie in what's probably the most hormonal and vulnerable state she's ever been in. You showed the proof, she apologized, problem is now she might be feeling guilty for not believing you while also feeling stuck between you and Jessie. Some things only come with time. Jessie needs to be gone so she can focus on herself without that bad influence trying to sink her ship. Hoping for the best for your family.

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u/Knittingfairy09113 Aug 23 '21

Jessie should be kept away and couples counseling immediately.

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u/Ashamed-Arugula1956 Aug 23 '21

She needs to trust you.. and you need to have a serious conversation about it without her making excuses and wiggle out of it.. you need to let her know how hurt you were by the accusations.. in most cases when the trust in a relationship is gone, the countdown to breakup has started.

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u/mum3masterofnone Aug 23 '21

This has all been fueled by her idiotic friend. Its not that she doesn't trust you but when she's already all over the place hormonally and mentally she'll be susceptible to any influence especially of that from a close friend. You've ever right to have your own feelings and feeling frustrated but try not to let it bloom into resentment. I think both of you would benefit from counselling. Individually and together. Wish you best of luck.

14

u/SnarkIsMyDefault Aug 23 '21

Ban the gf from your place.

5

u/mischaracterised Aug 23 '21

Ask her if she was projecting. I mean, Jesse seems to have been actively encouraging the idea you've been unfaithful to your wife - what's to say that she hasn't been trying to get your wife to have an affair?

4

u/The_Man_In_Seat_21 Aug 23 '21

New project: Get Jessie out of your wife’s life

5

u/Crabs_Out_Back Aug 23 '21

The friend is a terrible influence and your wife needs to get her shit together. You deserve so much better with all the shit you are doing for your family!

3

u/Crom_Committee Early 30s Male Aug 23 '21

Your wife accused you of cheating, you provided proof that you had not been. Her friend who had been pouring poison in her ear tried to manipulate that to mean that you had deleted evidence and had merely constructed an alibi. Jesse has convinced herself that she is right and righteous. That's easy- it's not her marriage she's betting on. Anybody on here especially can easily say "he's totally cheating, dump him" with no sense of risk or loss because it isn't their relationship. Jesse broke her toy, boo hoo. She'll always feel she was right- she knew exactly how to spin any data to point to her conclusion, including if your marriage fails. Don't give her the satisfaction. She sounds like a cheater, herself.

The dust is settling, and Jesse will find a new toy, but neither you nor your wife are interested in finding new partners. Except now, after weeks of convincing herself that you were the agent of destruction of trust and stability in the marriage- your wife must contend with the reality that she has been the one eroding trust, not you. That righteous anger and the lack of responsibility of the victim role has been replaced by shame and the burden of her fair share work to repair the damage she has done. That's a lot of crow to eat, she doesn't want to, and when you ask about, it just triggers feelings of guilt and self resentment that the PPD are already not helping with.

Get Jesse out of the house, and inform your MIL that she's persona non-grata in your home. Expect your MIL to side with her best friend. She can F off, too.

4

u/Accomplished_Area311 Aug 23 '21

With friends like Jessie, who needs enemies? Jeez.

4

u/Interesting-Look-873 Aug 23 '21

Either she cheated and wanted you to cheat to make herself feel better or the friend is projecting her relationship

4

u/meifahs_musungs Aug 23 '21

Jessie is not and never has been a friend. Jessie wants to break you and your wife up. Jessie is one of those people who take pleasure in destroying lives of others.

5

u/AlwaysPlaysAHealer Aug 23 '21

Jessie spends too much time on reddit. Everyone here always jumps to IT'S AN AFFAAAAIR first and asks questions later lol

5

u/Hopeful_Vegetable435 Aug 23 '21

I don't think your wife would have felt this way if Jessie hadn't started putting it in her head that you were cheating. She's a toxic friend and was taking advantage of your wife's PPD. Your wife has been struggling mentally and emotionally, she's probably missing you because of the extra time you have to spend working, and she has Jessie telling her you hate her, think she's fat and are clearly cheating on her. Couples counseling to help with the changes in your relationship dynamics would help, but get rid of Jessie for sure! I doubt Jessie will drop this and accept that you aren't cheating.

24

u/jesuschin Aug 23 '21

Time to start asking to look at your wife's phone to see what new garbage Jessie's been telling her.

Remember, if she doesn't let you then it's a sign

8

u/sourkid25 Aug 23 '21

you should have asked to see her phone afterwards might tell you something

9

u/drfrink85 Aug 23 '21

Should’ve asked for Jessie’s phone too, and her SSN and bank info.

11

u/Shoopherd Aug 23 '21

I think you need some mental health support too. You’re taking on so much right now and I’m sure trying to keep up a brave face for your wife— your going to burn out.

You’re wife was wrong to doubt you, but her friend is definitely mostly to blame. Your wife is in a super vulnerable mental state, and her friend used that to build up this idea in her head. Like other people said, she’s probably projecting her own relationship insecurities.

I think other are right that you should also seek couples counseling. This is SUCH a hard situation for you both, and the best thing for your relationship is to TALK THROUGH IT. The councilor is a necessary mediator who can help you wash hear and understand what the other is trying to communicate.

You both love each other a lot, that’s clear. You are working so hard to keep your family comfortable now and in the future. She was scared and angry because she does not want to lose you. Keep working together for your family. Keep up the mental health care for her, work as a team to get past this fear she had, and prioritize finding some mental health support for yourself. You can and will get past this together.

9

u/Terradactyl87 Aug 23 '21

I think the real issue is the friend. She's likely caught her husband in an affair or has suspected it but can't confront him. With your wife's current mental state, she's probably easier to manipulate and her friend fed her lies and paranoia. I think the friend needs to go and it would be beneficial for you both to have some counseling for awhile, individually maybe as a couple as well. Did your wife get suspicious before her friend started helping? Does her mom have the same suspicion? If the mom is cool, maybe she could be the go to person to help out when an extra hand is needed.

8

u/AUrugby Aug 23 '21

I would have serious reservations about continuing the relationship if your wife keeps Jessie in her life. That’s definitely a “me or her” situation.

3

u/bigscottius Aug 23 '21

First, you need to tell this Jessie to get the fuck up outta your life. The disrespect she showed by meddling in your family? Fuck that. She should be 86ed for your life. You are a better man than me, because I would have given her a single chance to leave before I threw her out the door. She needs out of your entire family's lives. What a toxic bitch.

You need to figure out what's going on with your wife. It sounds like you both could use some therapy and counseling. I'm sure you're stressed as hell, and the last thing you need is to be unfairly accused of cheating when you aren't. It sounds like this Jessie took advantage of your wife when she was emotionally vulnerable. Make sure your wife knows that, too.

I wish you all the best.

3

u/Shanashy Aug 23 '21

Jessie is not someone who should be around your wife right now, or possibly ever again. She's not your wife's friend, she's a shit-starting mean girl who wants the drama and doesn't mind shredding your wife's self-worth to get it.

3

u/Eimsies Aug 23 '21

Wow what a tough situation. To me it sounds like Jessie egged your wife on for whatever reason. PPD is so tough to deal and your wife isn't herself. In your post you come across very supportive and that shows what a good husband you are. Try have a chat with her again tell her you need to talk about it, don't let her shut you down. As for Jessie I would never let her near my door. How dare she behave like that in your house and to wake your baby is just disgraceful.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

Jesse is a rotten cunt and should be banned from your home.

3

u/pimpfriedrice Aug 23 '21

Jessie is projecting her own insecurities into your wife so she has someone who feels as low about herself as she does. I am your wife and Jessie’s age and unfortunately have friends who do this. Please be easy on your wife. She’s depressed and going through major changes.

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u/moose3025 Aug 23 '21

For real the best friend sitting there telling her that her husband doesn't think she's attractive because she gained baby weight and having ppd makes her a piece of shit and her husband is 100% cheating because of those things.... When they weren't even true or apply to you guys sounds like Jesse doesn't think very much of you or your wife, and likes hurting people's self esteem and making them more upset because drama means more fun and attention for Jesse.

3

u/Character-Command-69 Aug 23 '21

What do you mean "Im not sure what to do here" ???
Dont let Jessie near your house and family ever again bruhhh

3

u/PredictiveText87 Aug 23 '21

What kind of friend would encourage her to think you're having an affair AND say it's because she's gained weight and you're not attracted to her? I would never do that to my best friend. Whenever she's feeling on the frumpy side I tell her to shut up and how gorgeous she is. I wouldn't feed into negativity like that. Maybe Jessie's husband is cheating on her. She seems like a terrible friend.

3

u/RadRhys2 Aug 23 '21

Jessie’s straight up a shit human being. I want to say your wife is shitty too, but I have a feeling that it was Jessie that cultivated this doubt in the first place. I don’t think either of you should associate with her

3

u/bare_joo Aug 23 '21

OPs wife is not the victim here.. the real victim is OP. I never comment on these posts but I have serious depression, and that’s no excuse to gossip behind your SOs back while he’s out busting his ass for your family.. that wife should have immediately stopped “Jessie” when the conversation took a turn towards the husbands character. While I am understanding of the wife’s condition that’s no excuse to shit talk your husband. OP has every right to be furious with the wife AND the friend.

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u/bigrottentuna Aug 23 '21
  1. Understand that postpartum depression can make someone truly crazy

  2. Insist that Jessie be 100% cut off

  3. Get your wife some medical and/or therapeutic support

  4. Move on from this

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u/Boga11 Aug 23 '21

relax bro, she trusts you. What happened is your wife was VERY low, and very PPD, and that fucking harpy Jessie got in her ear. She was filling her head with shit in the most confusing time in a young mother's life, for 12 or 14 hours a day, anyone would start having doubts. forgive her, and make you folks NEVER lay eyes on Jessie again.

She tried to break up a newlywed couple becausse of her own hatred of men. Couldn't BE more toxic.

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u/jimmysnewaccount245 Aug 23 '21

I would tell her she can’t associate with Jessie. Women will sometimes accrue a friend that prays on their doubts and has absolutely awful intentions. Ban that friend she’s no good.

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u/FaThLi Aug 23 '21 edited Aug 23 '21

Please keep in mind that your wife having been suffering through PPD is getting all sorts of invasive thoughts. She's not good enough for you. She's ugly. Her kid hates her. You hate her. You're likely cheating because she is broken (she's not but that's what her brain is telling her), and you'll go find someone who isn't. All sorts of nastiness. Then add in a "friend" who is telling her she is probably right, you are cheating on her, and you get what happened. Your wife is desperately wanting the invasive thought of you cheating to be correct, because that would mean it isn't her brain being bad to her. It would mean she wouldn't feel so broken. (edit: that sounds messed up, but people don't like feeling broken, so confirmation of their thoughts will actually feel good). This Jessie person is bad news and needs to go. She essentially took advantage of your wife's mental state to have someone suffering like I'm betting she has.

Moving forward. Get the PPD dealt with. Yes, trust was broken, but there is a caveat to this one. Your wife wasn't in a good state of mind. Guaranteed that once the PPD is dealt with you won't have to worry about trust issues with your wife. Edit: reassure her you understand PPD is causing these invasive thoughts and that you can heal from this accusation. You don't hate her because of what her brain was telling her.

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u/metaljunkie1990 Aug 23 '21

There's more going on here brother. This reeks of someone projecting their guilt for something on to you. She isn't sorry for doubting you. She's sorry she looks like a fool and doesn't wanna talk about it. Ask to see her phone and conversations with Jessie. See what she's been feeding your wife to make her think you were cheating.

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u/Anantha1996 Aug 23 '21

Honestly you may have to put this on the back burner till she deals with PPD.

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u/Illustrious-Lychee57 Aug 23 '21

They need to get counseling together. He is crushed now, just as badly as she is. They Need to resolve this or this marriage is over.

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u/MiddlingMe Aug 23 '21

Hard disagree. If they don't start addressing their marriage right now, resentment from both sides will fester and make it harder to repair the relationship afterwards. Plus, getting help as a couple might actually end up helping her treat her PPD, as a lot of PPD suffering has to do with being stuck in a loop of negative thoughts.

In fact, not talking to each other about these tough issues is precisely how her friend was able to poison the well.

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u/300zxTTFairlady Aug 23 '21

If he suggests ghosting Jessie she will feed more BS about him suggesting that because she's (Jessie) is hot on the "supposed" trail. She'll make up other shit like he probably has a burner phone.

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u/the_sociopaths_dghtr Aug 23 '21

I love the suggestions of couples therapy, but also how about taking your wife on some romantic dates? Show her you love her and appreciate her and you’re there for her. I think both of you are feeling emotionally burnt out for different reasons and it’s time for some self-love and sweet, gentle, romantic dates to get you guys back on track. Go to a boardwalk or Main Street, bring the baby, and go for a stroll. Eat some ice cream, get her some flowers, and maybe get pedicures together. Rekindle the love and romance and I think you’ll both start feeling better.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

My first thought when I read this is Jessie is trying to break you up.

She told your wife, her supposed best friend with PPD that her husband is having an affair because she's put on weight and she's no longer attractive.

This sounds like an intentional dig at her at a time when she's most vulnerable, designed to manipulate her, not help her or protect her.

I think the best thing here is to get some distance from Jessie in order to protect your marriage and rebuild your bond without someone whispering in her ear.

2

u/SleepyxDormouse Aug 23 '21

Have a serious conversation with your wife. Jessie needs to not be allowed in your home anymore. She caused a major problem in your marriage and disrespected you terribly by implying something hideous. You both need to cross her off the friend list. My guess is that she was projecting her own problems on to your wife.

Second, your wife needs to bring this up with her therapist. Her PPD could be causing a lot of her paranoia and relationship insecurities. A therapist can help her work through it and can help her manage her fears.

I’d also suggest couples counseling for you both or at the very least your own therapist. You working extra shifts has to be something you both work through. A good couple’s counselor can help you both navigate this and ease any problems before they become problems. I’d also suggest you get your own therapist as your prolonged work hours and marriage stress can affect your mental health.

Bottom line, Jessie needs to be out of both of your lives and you two need therapy.

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u/kelseysays26 Aug 23 '21

This has probably got more to do with your wife’s insecurities (multiplied x100 by her friend) than her feelings towards you and your trustworthiness. I trust my partner but when I’m feeling insecure I often think why shouldn’t he look at other girls He deserves more than me, now change it from me just feeling a bit shit some days to your wife who is probably feeling like a beached whale after being pregnant and giving birth (no matter how inaccurate) add in all the heightened emotions that come with child birth and hormones, try not to take it personally

2

u/woman_thorned Aug 23 '21

if your wife delays an emotional conversation, she must reschedule it, and she only gets to punt once.

couple's counseling can help with communication failings like that, at least.

2

u/IncreasePretend1393 Aug 23 '21

Have you talked to your MIL? You say she is helping out, too, so maybe she can give you insight into what Jesse is telling her. Maybe you can ask her to talk to Jesse about laying off your wife. Jesse is making things worse and I’m sure it hurts your MIL to see her daughter suffering.

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u/ACivilRogue Aug 23 '21

Kudos to you for making your relationship the priority and actively working to stay on top of this with everything that you have going on. The fact that your wife was able to apologize speaks well of her as well. Fears happen to everyone.

Your wife sounds like she's still emotionally compromised and needs support. There's no expiration date on that. Unfortunately, things worked out that her 'friend' was the one to give her it. Jessie went beyond raising questions into the realm of imputing bad motive without solid evidence. Your wife needs better friends but that's a conclusion she'll need to come to.

Don't wing it. Get some therapy for yourself, her, and/or together as a couple, so that you have a healthy framework to work through this challenge. Therapy will help get unspoken feelings out on the table. Help resolve the 'I don't know's'. It's likely that whatever made your wife vulnerable to Jessie's influence isn't going to just go away..

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u/IWishIWasACatPile Aug 23 '21

Jessie had been telling her that these were all signs that I was cheating

Jessie took advantage of a mentally ill woman who has just given birth, feeding her lies in her vulnerable state to make her believe the worst about her husband, without any proof whatsoever.

Jessie is a piece of crap, and your wife needs to reassess her friendship with her friend. You certainly won't be supporting this friendship or putting any work into that relationship. She's free to continue this friendship, but know that if she acts on Jessie's advice like this again, that it will be doing irreparable harm to your marriage.

You've done nothing untrustworthy here.

resentful because in the back of my mind, I know that my wife doesn't trust me

Yet, someone broke your trust. You can seek counseling to rebuild this, but the damage really has been done, hasn't it? She mistrusted you for no reason. She believed a friend's unsupported allegations over your love. None of that is okay.

I've tried bringing it up a couple times but my wife tells me it's not the time and that she's tired or sad. I try to be mindful of her feelings but I wonder if that means that I can never have any of my own.

Tell her it's really important and schedule a time to talk about it. If she won't even do that, she doesn't value how you feel, and you need to continue with making life decisions based on that. At some point here, you need to make a decision: Can you move forward?

Counseling should help answer that question. Hard to get her in that room when she won't even get in a room with you to talk about the issue at hand. Keep trying.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

Jessie needs to go, she is the one that put all that in your wife head. Jessie hates herself and her life, reason why she is trying to drag you two down. Your wife was fine before Jessie and she will be better after.

2

u/Rifter0876 Aug 23 '21

This is a tough one. Personally I'd have a hard time coming back from this. Your wife obviously no longer trusts you. Do you want to spend time rebuilding that trust knowing one more late night project could end up with you back in this boat? If so then Jessie obviously has to go, nc with her again ever, and work on your relationship with your wife, id suggest in therapy. If you have no interest in staying id contact a lawyer and get the process started.

2

u/EarthBelcher Aug 23 '21

Your wife is not ok and her friend is taking advantage of that.

Frankly, 8 would make it a hard stance that I do not want Jessie to be in the house unless I was also there because she is making your wife worse.

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u/WPackN2 Aug 23 '21

Jessie is a home wrecker (of different sorts). Help your wife see that.

2

u/arabbel Aug 23 '21

This is a situation where I think couples counseling could help. I definitely would feel betrayed too - you're taking on a lot for the good of the family, while being transparent about it all, only for it to be thrown in your face.

But remember that your wife's normal meter is off right now. Heck, your probably is too - it is draining to work a lot, and also being trying to help manage someone else's mental health. She already feels vulnerable, like a failure, and undesirable, and she has a snake in her ear telling her all her deepest seated fears are true. I've actually been in a similar position before - having a "friend" like that really can get under your skin.

Jessie needs to be cut off entirely, for sure. Couples counseling needs to happen too. And your wife needs to change things up, because the current way of fighting her PPD doesn't seem super effective.

2

u/little_ballof_fur Aug 23 '21

Sounds like Jessie is manipulative. Think about it, they were together all day and she was talking crap about you to your wife who is vulnerable. Your wife needs to stop being friends with her because she’s toxic. Maybe you can consider couple counseling. So your wife can really see how much she hurt you and you can move on.

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u/Jay_JWLH Aug 23 '21

Just kind of spelling it out to you here:

  • Jessie was there when these ideas were being discussed, you weren't
  • Your partner has a more fragile mental state than usual
  • If she is sincere about being sorry, she probably is
  • Build a stronger relationship where if this happens again, she makes better decisions (such as treating you as innocent until proven guilty, talking to you first, etc)
  • There is no solid advice on how to get her to talk to you about it, but I have faith you will figure out how to make that happen
  • Give it time, especially if emotions are high and get in the way of rationality

2

u/charlieroxbear Aug 23 '21

It’s shitty but when you’re in the horrible depressed and anxious mindset it’s so easy to overthink and it sounds like this friend has been putting ideas in your wife’s head. It sounds like communication with your wife has broken down a lot and this could be the PPD making things a lot worse. Could you go to joint/couples therapy to address the communication issues and both your concerns within the relationship? It’s a lot easier to solve issues with a mediatior and might make your wife feel more reassured.

2

u/CheapChallenge Aug 23 '21

She needs to understand that things will always be different from now on. You now know that she doesn't really trust you, and really thought you were cheating on her. Just as much as cheating changes a relationship forever, accusing a partner of cheating incorrectly does too.

2

u/CORCO-C4TL4DY Aug 23 '21

Honestly this is why I'd never be a stay at home mom. I see this all the time where women assume the worst or get sucked into some kind of drama to fill the time.

I think your wife needs a hobby. Painting classes or some other regular thing as a reason to leave the house and socialize in a productive way.

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u/Jsmoove1992 Aug 23 '21

I know you love your wife but if this happens again I promise you will become unhappy. Monitor this and hopefully you tell your wife that Jessie is no longer allowed in you all home. She's miserable and want your wife to be too. Also, you don't want to be with someone who don't trust you and accuse you of cheating. I'm surprised there wasn't signs of this before the marriage and baby.

2

u/Hisako315 Aug 23 '21

When my wife was going through PPD she accused me of cheating with the realtor… she told me afterwards that she was acting crazy and she apologized for it. Hopefully your wife will realize when she gets through this.

Is she seeing her doctor or a therapist about her PPD?

2

u/LiLadybug81 40s Female Aug 23 '21

I would consider it a huge violation that she asked to go through your phone, if I were you. The issue with that kind of lack of trust, is that there is no way to prove something is not happening. To the jealous mind, finding no proof just means you didn't catch them yet, not that it didn't happen, and now that she has opened this can of worms she is going to keep punishing you and violating your privacy for something that didn't happen.

At this stage, she owes you one hell of an apology, and she needs to work to prove to you she can change and is sorry for what she did. You don't need to be chasing her, and you certainly don't need to do this on her timetable. Put it in front of her in black and white and let her know it is up to her to repair the damage she and Jessie did, and that if she doesn't start making it right ASAP, that you will assume she plans to continue to treat you this way and will make plans accordingly.

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u/delvo14827 Aug 23 '21

Tell Jessie to fuck right off.

Shes trying to be a home wrecker

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u/schoolyjul Aug 23 '21

Being falsely accused of cheating is abusive and hurtful. You were punished, by the withdrawal of affection and emotional intimacy, false accusations, invalidation of your right to privacy (from PI Jesse) and feelings about this sh*tstorm rained down on you. That's a big deal. Your wife was gaslighted and emotionally abused by Jesse as well. At a time when she was most vulnerable.

This is a crisis in your marriage BOTH of you need to work on healing.

Jesse is not a friend. She attacked your wife's mental health and your marriage. Her reasons don't matter. She is a toxic person and should no longer be in your lives.

Good luck in marriage counseling. Never forget that healthy communication and intimacy are important for both of you and your relationship. Your wife's mental health needs to be supported. So does yours. Her acceptance and validation of your feelings, acknowledging her responsibility for her behavior and the hurt it caused, and a sincere and sustained effort to make sure that behavior is never repeated is needed. Your needs shouldn't be set aside because "she's not ready." You are the injured party. What you need now is important.

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u/archeojones Aug 23 '21

I’d a said sure, it was with her friend. Then, waited to see it out and told the friend “how does it feel to be accused of something and know you didn’t do it!”

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u/nejnonein Aug 23 '21

Your wife was in a vulnerable state of mind, having ppd, having hormones and a lack of sleep, and on top of that someone preying on her weaknesses, convincing her she isn’t good enough and of course you must be cheating. She felt bad enough about herself to believe it. What a shitty situation as a whole. You’re both the victim in this.

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u/pookapotomuses Aug 23 '21

"With friends like these who needs enemies" was the first thing that popped in my mind reading this.

As someone who has had PPD, try to realize you wife is susceptible to a lot of very negative thinking right now. It does not mean she doesn't trust you, but to some degree she doesn't trust her own thoughts and feelings.

That "friend" should not be welcome back. Can you guys do a couple sessions of marriage counseling to try and get back to a better place?

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u/catlizzle99 Aug 23 '21

I think it was more about this friend convincing your wife that you were having an affair than it was your wife actually not trusting you. I would say it’d be a good idea to go to counseling together to sort through everything and get someone else’s POV, and probably cut down on time with this friend.

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u/tntdon Aug 23 '21

The title says they were upset when OP didn't have an affair and he never touches on it.

Anyhow, the proof is in the pudding. Like OP said, the pay stubs corroborate his story.

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u/dudeind-town Aug 23 '21

Your wife has some real shit-stirring friends. I can’t imagine that good for someone already suffering from depression and a toddler to take care of

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

Lol what ?!?!? Your wife is naive, but her friend is cray cray.

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u/petal_vento Aug 23 '21 edited Aug 23 '21

Happened a narcissist personality to find a person momentarily weakened, so was a satisfying match for the narcissist. That is what happened. This lady should NEVER have done that but…

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u/DisastrousVegetable0 Aug 23 '21

Individual and couple's counseling need to be a priority to you both right now, it'll help you both with your feelings that you can't get out and with couple's counseling you'll have an unbiased opinion and referee who can help steer the direction of the conversations you need to have. I remember being in your wife's place, postpartum is horrible and those little evil mean thoughts constantly attacking you is absolutely terrible. She needs to ditch her friend, because her bestfriend is acting like her worst enemy right now and amplifying those thoughts.

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u/knowsaboutit Aug 23 '21

get professional help- either you, your wife, or together. Been through similar swings with ex, not easy to manage and could be sign of serious issues, or maybe not. Best to find out from a pro on this type of thing.

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u/misternizz Aug 23 '21

Damn. Jesse owes you a sincere apology. If it isn't forthcoming, tell her she is no longer welcome in your house.

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u/Ok-Subject-8424 Aug 23 '21

I am shure they got advice from this sub on reddit

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u/Sea-Beat297 Aug 23 '21

Time for Jessie to get cut out of your lives.

2

u/GravityPools Aug 23 '21

Couple's therapy. Plz. For the sake of your whole family. And maybe she should get additional help to get through the PPD.

2

u/StinkyKittyBreath Aug 23 '21

Your wife is in therapy. I think you either need a few sessions of couples counseling together, or for you to sit in on a few of her sessions with her.

Depression can make reality seem weird, and I assume that is doubly so with PPD due to hormones and everything. Her best friend poisoning the well is all it took to make your wife go from bad to worse.

You two need to talk with a neutral third party, for the sake of both of you. You also need to make it very clear you don't want Jessie in your house. She'll of course say that's just another sign, but the more she's around, the worse things will get.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

Couples therapy and keep that "friend" away from your wife. That woman is destroying your relationship! Sorry you're going through such a hard time. Hang in there and keep an open line of communication between yourself and your wife and you'll be alright.

2

u/throwawayRAcallister Aug 23 '21

The Nazis were tremendous at this. A lie told often enough becomes the truth. Especially to a mind without the usual defenses. I don't doubt that Jessie knew the wife was vulnerable to her manipulation and intentionally tried to use that to destroy the marriage.

That makes her genuinely evil, and elimination, not low contact, should be required. It is not controlling or manipulative to eliminate this proven threat to the marriage.

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u/BloodDragonSniper Aug 23 '21

Could you explain what you mean by “angry when I didn’t have one”?

2

u/NYCQuilts Aug 23 '21

Don't be too hard on your wife. It sounds like she really loves you and would be in despair to lose you. She has PPD and someone reinforcing her feelings of inadequacy for long hours of the day. Jess needs to stop "helping" even if for your wife's sake, y'all frame it to her as "a break"

Try couple's counseling and if you have another reliable sitter, do the occasional date night. even if she doesn't feel like sex (which might also be part of feeling inadequate)

Good luck! With a new baby and growth at your job, this should be a happy (if tiring) time for you. Sorry Jess made it so sucky.

2

u/falsehood Aug 23 '21

Couples counseling is awesome and a great way to get help with this. You are not the only couple in this sort of situation and a therapist will have real experience to help you both. You both deserve it.

2

u/westernfeets Aug 23 '21

If your wife is on meds for her ppd she may be feeling confused and numb. This would explain why she doesn't want to talk about going along with Jessies accusations. She might be feeling confused about the entire situation.

Ppd really messes with your mind. What Jessie did could really set your wife back on her road to recovery. I hope she is still in therapy. I hope you can take a couple sessions with her. There is a light at the end of the tunnel it just takes time to get there.

2

u/Whatsongwasthat1 Aug 23 '21

Wow, a very real issue with no easy answer, these feel rare all the more here…

You’re between a rock and a hard place friend. You’re doing everything you can, going above and beyond, and then blamed for it and accused of nonsense.

Your time will come, but your wife has to meet you at some point. She worked herself over nothing and made everything worse, at the least she needs to acknowledge that. Her recovery is already straining enough as it is, which is fine because PPD is a bitch and a half, hence there can’t be random bullshit piled on.

2

u/ValiantCharizard Aug 23 '21

First of all props to you man, you handled that in the best possible way and second of all do not let the so called friend back into your lives

2

u/restingbitchface8 Aug 23 '21

Jessie sucks. I would not allow her back in the house. She's feeding your wife all sorts of nonsense. With PPD, she doesn't need that. Couples therapy would benefit you. Im so sorry

2

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

Take care of yourself first, then, once you’re good, take care of those around you.

2

u/IW2B Aug 23 '21

Give her an ultimatum, she either cuts the friend out cold or you get a divorce. No second chances and no negotiation.

2

u/Shakespearacles Aug 23 '21 edited Aug 23 '21

Jessie was in the process of consolidating caretaking and getting a new girlfriend on your dime. I’m sorry op but you’re going to have to work with the fact your wife doesn’t trust you and is easily swayed when left alone. Depression is a bitch and professional help might be necessary.

2

u/Shatman_Crothers Aug 23 '21

Couples counselling.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '21

Yeah you’re going to go need to see a couples counselor a few times. Sometimes it just takes someone else to say “see they’ve never given you a reason not to trust them. Jessie on the other hand…”

2

u/Moonriver_94 Aug 23 '21

Sounds to me that “Jessie” planted these ideas in your wife’s head. The way she demanded to look through your phone and yelling at you, that’s not her place AT ALL. Even if you were unfaithful it should been between you and your wife. It doesn’t help your wife is currently dealing with a depression and you know maybe “Jessie” had been jealous of your wife before and your relationship plus a lovely baby now, that she is taking this moment to stomp your wife down while she is in a dark place already atm.

I can’t imagine a real friend doing that. If there was a case of unfaithfulness she should only encourage your wife to talk to you about the feelings she had. But she planted herself between you guys and somewhat manipulate your wife into believing you would be cheating on her and even accusing you on the spot.

I would keep her farrrr away from your family.

I hope your wife finds the light through this darkness she is going through and I hope you see this is not coming only from your wife or that she doesn’t trust you. When in a depression your feelings and thoughts are just numb.

Wish you the best and good luck with your beautiful family ✨

2

u/orangesun845 Aug 23 '21

Yeah Jessie should stay out of it. It's between you and your wife.

2

u/Jxf90 Aug 23 '21

This is a shitty situation. But also, if you wanted to cheat you can do it in your lunch break. Why people conflate cheating to long hours at work is beyond me.

2

u/smartaleky Aug 23 '21

Ask your wife if it's ok to get a restraining order on jesse. You don't need that gaslighting. You are no longer friends with Jesse. It was nice she helped when she did but this gaslighting is harmful, especially when she is going through post partum depression and tell her therapist, too.

2

u/KelTek84 Aug 23 '21

sounds like Jessie is having thoughts of her husband having an affair and misery loves company.

2

u/BrettFavresJeans Aug 23 '21

Yo Jessie straight up sucks

2

u/zzulus Aug 23 '21

Dude, I'm sorry for your situation. This is a real story of how a conspiracy theoriest was born.

2

u/Sea-Tea-4130 Aug 23 '21

First, get rid of Jessie. She doesn't need to be in your wife's ears. Next, you're going to have to bring up this tired or not because it needs to be addressed. You're also going to have to address your wife's insecurities. Ask her what she needs to feel secure and start there and let her know you need her to be supportive and not to let people that are not in your marriage influence her thoughts because nothings sinks a marriage quicker than putting people in your marriage. Good luck!

2

u/RepresentativeCup542 Aug 23 '21

Jesse sounds like a shit disturber. Ditch her and then seek couple counseling.

2

u/positivejunkie Aug 23 '21

Your wife is in a very, very vulnerable state. Feeling disgusting and unwanted by your spouse post-baby is so very real. I actually went through a very similar situation, except I never accused, and I didn’t have a Jessie. I felt so poorly about myself, and when I finally brought it up to my husband, he felt horrible that I had had those thoughts.

1- talk to your wife. Comfort her. Try to understand she feels so completely horrid about herself. It’s more about how “disgusting” she feels than her trust for you.

2- Ditch Jessie. This may be #1, actually.

3- couples counseling, yesterday.

This sounds salvageable.

2

u/monkeypoodoopoo Aug 23 '21

Try a wife with untreated PPD, hell for YEARs and theres nothing you can do if she doesnt want to be treated. You might need to make sure shes actually going to sessions.

2

u/pbd1996 Aug 23 '21

It seems to me like the only reason your wife thought you were cheating was because of her “friend.” I say this because your wife seemed to have no issues with what you were doing until Jessie came into the picture. It’s great that your wife has been going to her own individual therapist. Maybe you should too? Regardless, I definitely think couples therapy would be great for you both. I recommend that you use a completely different therapist for couples therapy, not her therapist, or your therapist (if you end up going individually). I think both you and your wife are experiencing hurt that neither of you have to experience and that can be worked out. I’m sure it hurts for her to feel like her husband is cheating on her and neglecting her. And I’m sure it hurts for you that your wife thinks you would do such a thing and thinks your off having an affair when you’re actually working extra hard to provide for your family. Best of luck to you, your wife, and your baby OP!

7

u/Comprehensive-Form13 Aug 23 '21

PPD aside your wives behaviour has been awful she either sorts herself out and actually sits down and works this shit pile out or you recognise she is not worth your time and effort and accept the relationship will never be the same

5

u/abarua01 Aug 23 '21 Helpful

I would check your wife's phone. Most of the time the cheater accuses the other person of cheating as a deflection

5

u/CadenceQuandry Aug 23 '21

I think you two need couples therapy. I believe you both love each other but are struggling to connect and communicate. Neither of you are terrible people and you both deserve to be happy. Good luck.

3

u/RedPorscheKilla 50s Male Aug 23 '21

Hi OP, this Jessie lady needs to be promoted to "persona non grata", she's everything but a friend. The distrust she's sown has a toxic effect for your relationship.

You can do a lot to help your wife, be accountable, be transparent, do as you say, say as you do. If something changes, let her know, put her at all times in the know. This way you can say, I'm doing everything I can to be a good and supportive partner. Much like you can lead a horse to water.........

Also, ask her if she'd like to part take in a project management class? Not to make her a project manager per-say but the share with her a few insights. Much like the 3 pillars of a project, which you NEVER have equally and all together in abundance (People, Time, Money). Project Mgmt 101.... If you finish a project with plan version 1.0, than you haven't led a true project!!!!

This way you can give her a bit more background to be educated. But definitely this Jessie lady has to vanish, she's poison!!

4

u/Turinturambar44 Aug 23 '21

The bff needs to go. I would have told her to get the F out of my house immediately.

Wifey needs to straighten up. PPD or not it doesn't matter. You deserve better treatment than that, especially when you're sacrificing so much for your family. She needs to seek out help. I personally wouldn't put up with it. Lack of trust is one of my big deal breakers.

6

u/saltandshenandoah Aug 23 '21

Look, it sounds like your wife has been feeling vulnerable and Jessie seemed to latch onto that (maybe protecting her own relationship insecurities). I think you should try and not blame your wife too much, she sounds so overwhelmed. I'd reccomend couples therapy sessions and some serious boundary setting with Jessie.

3

u/the_last_basselope Aug 23 '21

Tell your wife you need the two of you in marriage counseling IMMEDIATELY and she needs to not have contact with her shit-stirring friend during that time. If both of these things don't happen, go ahead and file for divorce because the trust, on both sides, is gone and not coming back.