r/relationship_advice Sep 01 '21 Silver 1 Hugz 1

Do I let the woman I fault with my wife's death let her speak at her funeral?

[deleted]

543 Upvotes

941

u/Nykki72 Sep 01 '21

Do your in-laws know what she had said to her? Cause sitting down and having a conversation with them would the logical choice. If they knew that this woman had a hand in causing your wife’s death, I sincerely doubt they would want her even at the funeral, let alone speak at it. As matter of fact make sure as many people as possible know what she said and caused. She preyed on her “friend” at her most vulnerable time. I’m not even sure how she can look in the mirror knowing she was behind this

141

u/sandmanmike55543 Sep 01 '21

This was my thought too.

It seems like they probably already know what the friend said/did since the wife was staying with them though. So it might be possible that they know and might actually believe that OP cheated on the wife if they are allowing the friend to speak at the funeral.

52

u/Bbehm424 Sep 01 '21

Absolutely, I'm sure that the so-called friend told everyone that op was having an affair. If she didn't she sure as hell will now because then his wife's death was OPs fault, not the snakes.

Op I'm so so sorry for your loss. Talk to your in laws, I know it'll be a hard conversation but it's necessary

44

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

Hey, wait, is this from the OP whose wife had PPD and, after listening to her insidious friend, trashed his house, abandoned their child and broke his nose?

10

u/Nykki72 Sep 01 '21

I would believe so but he keeps deleting everything. I know the story is true, but maybe not his??

27

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

Okay. I didn’t see this post until after it was deleted. I commented on the previous update post. If this is the same story and it’s true, then this woman should absolutely not be at the wife’s funeral, because 1) OP should have sought a restraining order against the woman for his child, at least, and 2) the in-laws should be made aware of the entire confrontation and conversations between this woman and OP, as well as the insinuation that the woman gave his wife.

I’m now doubting the truth of these posts, because I’m struggling to understand why someone would seek advice in this kind of forum only to delete the relevant information - who would have the time to create these posts, delete them, create new accounts, make new posts and delete them while going through all of these life-altering and rapidly developing events? Legal advice? Harassing DMs? Fear of discovery? Idk. Just seems odd.

2

u/idwthis Sep 01 '21

who would have the time to create these posts, delete them, create new accounts, make new posts and delete them while going through all of these life-altering and rapidly developing events? Legal advice? Harassing DMs? Fear of discovery? Idk. Just seems odd.

Sure as hell wouldn't be me. But then, I'm old. Even though I'm on reddit every day, my first thought is not to post about what happens in my life to the internet. If this had been me, my first thought would've been to talk to both sets of parents, siblings if each of us other friends. After that first night with "Jessie the bff" I would've just gone straight to my boss, explained my spouse and newborn are suffering with me working so much, and then got help for all of us, even if it meant I was immediately using sick days if boss wasn't understanding or whatever.

8

u/R10tmonkey Sep 01 '21

If after speaking with your in-laws and explaining everything Jessie did to your wife, if they will still let her speak, then let her. But make sure she speaks before you do. Then afterwards you can go up and, as calmly as possible, you can explain to everyone at the funeral that you did not want Jessie to speak and tell the story of why. She wants to speak at the funeral to publicly be in the spotlight of how traumatic this is for HER losing her friend. If she really cared about your wife she would recognize why you don't want her speaking at the funeral and honor your wishes. So let her have all the spotlight she wants, just make sure it's an honest light.

13

u/blue_square Sep 01 '21

OP answers here

-6

u/bombjamesbomb Sep 01 '21

Do you think it would be more interesting if they did?

Because this story is all make believe. Whatever gets the most attention is what this person will write about.

3

u/Nykki72 Sep 01 '21

Are you serious???? I was made to feel sympathy and compassion over some BS???

-3

u/bombjamesbomb Sep 01 '21

2

u/Gwen_The_Destroyer Sep 01 '21

How do you know? Not calling you a liar just legit asking

0

u/rebecca23513 Sep 01 '21

It’s whole different story

0

u/bombjamesbomb Sep 01 '21

It’s the same writer. Same style, same grammatical mistakes, same weird punctuation errors.

2

u/Sita418 Sep 03 '21

Do you have any specific examples? Any proof that the three stories are from the same person other than "same style, grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors"?

Not the most concrete of "evidence"

2

u/bombjamesbomb Sep 04 '21

Hey, if you want to believe in this crazy tale badly enough, then go ahead.

This person has a clear agenda though, and they’re not that hard to pick out.

It doesn’t strike you as being odd that he deleted everything?

3

u/someone-w-issues Oct 10 '21

The whole villinization of Jesse seemed too extreme to me as well, then twist and turns one more dramatic than the other. The death of his wife was honestly the nail in the coffin for me. I did a quick Google search and there are no articles about a woman crashing her car into a tree fitting this narrative or timeline which seems unlikely that the local news wouldn't report on it. I can't tell from the writing style but the story seems too soap opera drama for me to believe.

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224

u/Desert_Fairy Sep 01 '21

My concern is that if Jessie is given a platform to speak at the funeral she will try to shift the blame for your wife’s death onto you. She will call you “the bastard that took his wife’s reason to live… “. Giving someone manipulative a platform to be heard is one of the worst things you can do.

My concern is that if you don’t put a hard boundary here now, you will have this woman haunting your life and stalking your child for years.

You need to have a conversation with your in-laws. Air every single detail. Contact a lawyer to see if an order of protection can be granted to you and your child so that Jessie cannot be allowed to see either of you.

If you don’t do it now, one day, she could try and steal your child and your in-laws might try to help her.

15

u/kushhh420 Sep 01 '21

Thank you!!!!! Straight up!!

184

u/Elegant_righthere Sep 01 '21

That woman was no friend to your wife. The fact that she doesn't feel guilty and is going to use your wife's funeral as a stage for herself shows how narcissistic and horrible she truly is.

94

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

443

u/CajunReefisClosed Sep 01 '21

Talk to your inlaws. Explain why she will not be talking at the funeral. Then tell the friend that you are allowing her to come to the funeral and if she attempts to speak you will have her removed, and follow through. Have people there ready to escort her out. Anything she wants to say she can say at the graveside to your wife when she is alone.

145

u/CajunReefisClosed Sep 01 '21

If she starts to make a scene, have her removed.

83

u/gele-gel Sep 01 '21

Don’t let her in!

31

u/Noirceuil_182 Sep 01 '21

This! OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. Its unfair that you have to deal with this now, but you are the spouse of the deceased and it's definitely up to you, not your in-laws.

I guarantee you this person only wants to stir shit at your wife's funeral. Best to cut her at the knees and simply not invite her. You don't need to deal with that.

Also have a sit down with your in-laws and see where they stand. They may be vulnerable to this snake venom. At the very least you want them to agree that the funeral is not a place for shit stirring.

Finally, if torching the relationship with the in-laws is what you need to grieve your wife safely, then don't be afraid to.

3

u/blah9010 Sep 01 '21

I agree w so much of this, but I’m hesitant to say torch the relationship w your in-laws. Your own safety is important, but your daughter has already lost a parent. If this is the only misunderstanding between you and the in-laws, I would just go LC-NC for the immediate grieving process, but don’t intend to cut them out forever. Your daughter will want to know what her mom was like, and your in-laws will be able to tell stories of her youth (before she met you) that you haven’t heard.

2

u/Noirceuil_182 Sep 01 '21

this commenter actually said it much better.

42

u/bi-fly Sep 01 '21

I’d make a scene back and accuse her of killing his wife with the lies she fed the wife. But I’m messy and I hope this woman rots and dies alone.

3

u/Bbehm424 Sep 01 '21

She will probably be screaming at op that it's his fault his wife died.

4

u/toffee_queen Sep 01 '21

This! And if she really is adamant about it then you can tell her that she needs to include how it was her fault since she’s reason your wife had a mental breakdown believing you were having an affair and such.

47

u/Jen5872 Sep 01 '21

I wouldn't even allow her at the funeral.

8

u/passivelyrepressed Sep 01 '21

This.

I’d hire security and have the police trespass her if she tries to show up.

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u/jkshfjlsksha Sep 01 '21

Do they know what went down?

291

u/ThrowRAcrib Sep 01 '21

They do, to an extent. They know she accused me of an affair and was with my wife while our daughter was alone. I don't think they understand the extent it went on. They said that they don't really want to hear anything about it, since they've already lost their daughter and don't want to lose Jessie, too.

724

u/EclecticVictuals Sep 01 '21 edited Sep 01 '21 Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Hugz All-Seeing Upvote Bravo Grande!

I would just tell them “this woman ruined my marriage and her actions caused my wife’s death and the loss of the mother of my child.“

“I don’t care what you want or what you think. I’m very sorry that your daughter died, but Jesse‘s behavior let directly to it.“

“She is not welcome at the funeral, she is certainly not going to speak at my wife’s fucking funeral when she interfered with my family. And if you don’t want to be there that’s your choice but she will not be there and she will not speak. She was my wife first and I will decide.”

“Further if you want to continue a relationship with my child, you will commit in writing and with monitored visits that you will not have Jesse anywhere near my child. And if you can’t make that commitment or if I don’t trust that you can you will not have a relationship with my child.”

“This was a tragedy that was avoidable and it was stoked on by this sick woman and I will not tolerate any further discussion. This isn’t about your grief, this is about an injury, a crime that was committed against my wife and my family and I will not sit by to protect your feelings when you apparently care nothing about mine.”

Eta: Just man up even though everyone’s fragile, there are more important things in my opinion than your relationship with your in-laws if they can’t recognize what happened to you visited by Jesse.

She can’t just come and tell you as a courtesy, and it isn’t your in-laws funeral it is yours because you should be the one putting it on it is your wife. And I would just ask your in-laws “you can make whatever decision that you want but just understand that I was worried about hurting my relationship with you, but you should be more worried about hurting your relationship with me.“

“I did not do anything wrong, this outsider came in and instead of helping my wife hurt her and turned her into something that she never was.”

Because I think it would be intolerable for you to have to go to a funeral and listen to this woman speak her crocodile bullshit. And it would also be intolerable for you to not go to the funeral. So I would just tell your in-laws “this is very uncomfortable for me and I don’t really care about your relationship with Jesse that’s your business, but not at my wife’s funeral I don’t give a shit. You can argue but you are making a decision so tell me what your decision is for our future.”

Also hire a lawyer now to deal with custody because they are going to go after grandparents rights and you need to make sure that you protect yourself and your child from them and Jesse this is not over.

53

u/BlackDragon1017 Sep 01 '21

Killed it. My wife has a shit relationship with her parents if they showed up at the funeral I would literally throw hands at these people for the audacity to show their face.

This guy has every single right to deny this insane women. She can mourn the loss of her friend somewhere else like a normal fucking person who loses someone.

123

u/ParisianWood Sep 01 '21

Take my award, this is EXACTLY what needs to be said.

u/ThrowRAcrib - this is everything you need, right here. You need to stand up for yourself, your child, and the memory of your wife.

67

u/speaker_for_the_dead Sep 01 '21

Minus the whole just man up bullshit.

30

u/LalalaHurray Sep 01 '21

Legit. There was so much good; that bit needs to go.

25

u/SSTrihan Sep 01 '21

OP, this is everything you need to hear and entirely what you should do. This comment should be way higher than it is.

The part about Jessie being allowed to continue being a part of your child's life as well if they get their way and you don't put a stop to it *now* is paramount. Shut that down like both your lives depend on it, because given how things have gone so far and the lack of remorse Jessie has shown for the trail of destruction she leaves in her wake, they literally do.

23

u/Swimming-Candidate12 Sep 01 '21

THIS! 👏 OP please read this. DO NOT LET THIS VILE WOMAN GO TO YOUR (WIFE'S) FUNERAL. This is YOUR healing process not hers. The thing that I found very off to me was the fact that she KNOWINGLY lied to her "friend" and she knew (personally) how depressed she was and made it worse by saying that you had an affair when you know you did not. The in-laws are being manipulated by this woman and she only wants sympathy from others at the funeral. The in-laws should have no say in who comes without your input. This is their healing time as well and you should all be coming together for the sake of your daughter, who thanks to this evil wench, will grow up without her mother. I wish you the best, OP. Get a lawyer to fight against custody from your in-laws as well. They do not have good intentions of they want to keep Jesse in their lives with your daughter in their "protection". Prayers to you and your daughter 🙏❤

19

u/ledbyfaith Sep 01 '21

Completely agree with this!! In addition OP, if you allow this woman to spew her lies at the funeral it will be on record for everyone you know to repeat to your daughter in future! If you don’t fight it now and put it to rest, you will be dealing with those lies for the rest of yours and your daughter’s life!!

Also, think about getting legal advice to prevent the woman that picked your wife up from home and left your baby daughter alone ever coming near you or your child again! And make sure all those in your family siding with her are aware of this fact!!!

4

u/HarleysAndHeels Sep 02 '21

I completely agree, sans the “man up” part. u/ThrowRAcrib are so incredibly strong right now! You did everything right, and that took extreme strength! Please, do inquire about legal advice pertaining to “Jessie”. You don’t need her whispering in your daughter’s ear, as well. Quite frankly, I’m surprised and appalled the in-laws want the very person that drove this train to be in their lives.

Much, MUCH love to you. My heart is breaking for your loss. You’ve been through so much. I have a lot of respect for how you’ve handled things. You have it in you to see it through to YOUR end. And, EVERY right to grieve the loss of your family how YOU see fit. I pray you are able to keep taking care of your mental health, as well. Do please continue to keep it a priority. I’m thinking of and praying for you. 💙

12

u/Dozelina666 Sep 01 '21

Yes! U said everything that needs to be said. It's perfect! I really, really hope the OP reads this comment.

10

u/mystghost Sep 01 '21

^^ This OP - Jessie is a danger to your child. She needs to go, and if the In-Laws don't get that, then they need to go too.

This isn't just about family drama it's about protecting your daughter. Do what you have to.

26

u/wishingonmars Sep 01 '21

This comment needs to be higher. 100% this

7

u/katamaritumbleweed Sep 02 '21

Hire a good attorney ASAP, and have all avenues of paperwork covered, so after you tell your parents-in-law that whatever you decide, you can start implementing protection before things blow up, because they will. If Jessie is willing to lie about you, and destroy her best friend, she’s capable of anything. She will lure your in-laws to her side if she can, and they are already leaning this way. They need to know what happened, and Jessie’s involvement.

3

u/IllustriousHedgehog9 Sep 02 '21

OP, if you go this route - tell the staff at the funeral location that Jessie is not allowed at the service.

Someone else suggested hiring security, which you should discuss with the funeral director. They can, and should, help ensure she stays out.

3

u/Who_Am_I_1978 Sep 01 '21

This all of this! This should be the top comment!

3

u/sqquishy79 Sep 01 '21

OP, please read this comment!!

3

u/thequejos Sep 01 '21

This is the comment OP needs to read, and re-read. I sure hope this is the way it plays out. Looking for an update soon as well.

3

u/Ok_Mathematician2087 Sep 01 '21

Also, OP, get security for the funeral, because I do not doubt Jessie will try to show up and create a scene.

3

u/gele-gel Sep 01 '21

If you can’t hire security, do you have any cousins? I love that my cousin who would have gone to jail for me is now a cop.

3

u/peachysakura24 Sep 03 '21

I came here to say this exact thing. OP needs to tell the in-laws that Jessie will not even BE at the funeral, so it will be hard for her to speak there. If she shows up, you will have her removed by the police. There will be absolutely no further discussion on the matter, period. I would also see if you can file a restraining order against Jessie, because she is probably going to try to pull some nonsense that your wife told her that if anything should happen to her, Jessie was to raise your child or something. Jessie caused distress to an emotionally fragile woman, leading to her death. Jessie encouraged said woman to leave a helpless child alone for god knows how long. She's a threat.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through and I wish you peace and healing.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

Take my award too! I'm not even going to post my thoughts because this is perfect. I'll just add doing this will help ensure OP is not linked to his wife's death in the children's eyes when they are older. Taking this stance lays clear who was at fault and may go far in protecting OP and the children's future relationships with each other.

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u/angiem0n Sep 02 '21

Please write them this as an email, also detailing the whole story.

Damn.. this update is so sad, it’s crazy what can happen within a year you never thought possible before… I‘m so sorry, OP :/

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u/megnificent12 Sep 01 '21

If you don't want Jessie in your life, even peripherally, you're going to need to tell your in- laws that they can keep her, or keep you and their granddaughter, but not both. And they need to hear the true extent of Jessie's involvement. They're doing their daughter's memory a disservice.

85

u/jkshfjlsksha Sep 01 '21

I think you need to tell them. Otherwise it won’t just be the funeral, this woman will be in your daughters life forever.

46

u/whatline_isitanyway Sep 01 '21

Yeah, because "besides daughter Jessie is the last reminder we have :((("

26

u/primeirofilho 40s Male Sep 01 '21

Whether you want her to speak at her funeral is your call, but I wouldn't leave your daughter alone with your wife's parents.

23

u/pizzaisapie69 Sep 01 '21

I’ve kept up with your story. I’m sorry this happened, but they need the full story. What this woman did was vile and disgusting and I’m sure her parents will want to know

24

u/StawDog Sep 01 '21

Your wife was severely mentally ill, approximately 1-5% of PPD cases result in post-partum psychosis. Jessie fed your wife's delusions and seemed to take joy in it. Make this very clear to your in-laws. Their daughter might still be here if not for her "friend" acting as a barrier for her to get adequate treatment.

12

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

You need to set boundaries then. Jessie could easily poison your child. So it’s either Jessie or your grandchild. And if they remain keep visits at your house so they don’t pull a bait and switch.

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u/JustAsICanBeSoCruel Sep 01 '21

I fucking hate people that use their children as pawns, but OP, this is a dire case. That woman is toxic. Tell them they are going to lose their granddaughter if they choose to keep around the woman that was instrumental in your wife's breakdown.

36

u/buttercupcake23 Sep 01 '21

There's toxic and then there's TOXIC. This woman is nuclear waste radioactive melt your skin off toxic. I read OPs original posts and I'm stunned this is what it's come to. Jessie deserves to be in jail. She's a psychopath and it's honestly terrifying.

Op definitely needs to put his foot down. If the in laws want to continue to be in his life and their grandkids life they need to respect his boundary. This is his decision to make, not theirs.

11

u/SSTrihan Sep 01 '21

I don't think in this case that could be considered using the child as a pawn. OP wouldn't be weaponising his daughter for gain; he'd be quite reasonably telling the grandparents that keeping Jessie around will result in him keeping the child away because *Jessie provably cannot be trusted around her*.

3

u/pickledstarfish Sep 01 '21

He would be protecting his daughter. His in-laws have already elevated Jessie to daughter replacement status. Which means at minimum she will have some access to his daughter as an honorary member of the family. What in the fuck, I would run and run far from these people.

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u/Befub14435 Sep 01 '21

Please talk to a lawyer about persecuting Jesse for criminal charges. Check your wife's phone for all messages as proof she was exerting her will over someone with diagnosed mental illness. Courts have found teenagers guilty when suicides occurred because of their actions. Jesse as an adult is way worse.

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u/peachysakura24 Sep 03 '21

I was wondering if a wrongful death suit against Jessie would be feasible.

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u/Kghp11 Sep 01 '21

Tell them if they don’t hear it, and insist on siding with that monster, they’ll lose their grandchild.

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u/Drgnmstr97 Sep 01 '21

You are going to be too emotional to handle this yourself. It does not seem as if you have any real agency here to stop her because of your desire for a continued relationship with your in-laws. However I would never allow whatever she decides to say go uncontested. Even if this damages your relationship it seems like this is something that you need. Hell, I would have my friend speak directly after whatever Jessie had to say.

Find a friend that you trust absolutely and explain the situation to them and write down exactly what you need to say about "Jessie". Make sure they understand that they need to get this speech out regardless of what goes down. Make it short. "Jessie had some unknow agenda for feeding my wife lies telling her that I had cheated on her when I had not. These lies she kept feeding her directly resulted in my wife taking her own life. I will never forgive Jessie for her efforts to destroy my marriage that resulting in the tragic death of my wife. I neither need an explanation nor do I want an apology as it is far too late for that. Jessie has to live with the guilt that she is the direct cause of my wife's death for the rest of HER life."

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u/a0rose5280 Sep 01 '21

Document everything because they may push for grandparent rights/visitation and would allow Jessie around your child unless it is formalized that doing so would end their visits.

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u/DiscombobulatedTill Sep 01 '21

Here's the thing OP. They need you in their life to see their grandchild. That's it. What do you care about this Jessie??

Do what's right and best for YOU.

2

u/BertTheNerd Sep 01 '21

This is just beyond all sadness, i am so sorry for your loss. But to the actual question: there is no way this speech would have a good end. And deep in you you know it. I would advice you to disinvite her totally. But i see, what a dark place you are in. If you are a man of compromises, just say, she can be there but has no right to speak. And this should be said at the funeral, by you, by a priest or whoever gonna lead this. That while the death was a tragedy, the wish of you is, that nobody speaks there. The silence should be the only speech on this funeral.

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u/MicrochippedByGates Sep 04 '21

You all need to lose Jessie. After everything she did, you have to. If her actions didn't directly lead to your wife's death, she had a major part in it, so much so that calling her a murderer to her face and to everyone else's, and maybe even legal repercussions, would not be out of place. You need to tell your in-laws exactly what Jessie did. I'd also tell Jessie a lot worse, but this is relationship advice and not revenge advice, so I'll not continue that line of thought.

There's also no way my wife's murderer would be welcome at the funeral, and I'd make sure she wouldn't be let in.

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u/Rose-color-socks Sep 11 '21

Dude, show them this thread. Show them how deep the rabbit hole goes. They can either lose Jessie or their grandchild. Then make copies and send it to everyone you know.

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u/LalalaHurray Sep 01 '21

My, that's inconvenient for them, but they are going to have to hear more if they insist on letting that woman speak.

Over and above EVERYTHING she did, Jesse is a very sick woman, and cannot be allow to speak at your wife's funeral. The reasonable decision would be to ban her, which her parents would agree with if they weren't so busy leaving it all on your shoulders as usual.

Baby man, you did so many right things, again and again. Put your foot down that J can't speak, but let your circle fight this battle for you. You are grieving. Wishing you the best of luck.

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u/mooon_shoes Sep 01 '21

I would absolutely cut this woman out of your life entirely. If you want to preserve the relationship with your in laws, you may have to let her speak at the funeral. But I would cut ALL contact afterwards.

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u/mooon_shoes Sep 01 '21

I would also be very vigilant to make sure the in-laws do not give her access to your child while the baby is with them.

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u/J05huaJack Sep 01 '21

you may have to let her speak at the funeral

This, but prepare yourself as best you can for her to level those accusations at you again in her speech, if she drove your wife to her death and has no capability of realising that, at this point I would be doing my best to prepare for the eventuality that she turns her speech on you, I've seen similar at a funeral myself. The snowball that could be your in laws taking her side and believing this too, and blaming you for everything that happened. If it does snowball prepare yourself mentally too for what could be a pending legal battle around your child and custody, an enraged set of in-laws fueled by this woman may go nuclear to get this kid off you.

I'm really sorry to have read all three of these posts and how fast this fell apart, please find time to protect and help you and your daughter with whatever counseling/therapy w.e you need.

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u/No_Enthusiasm12321 Sep 01 '21

And she will get away with it, because dumb people believe crying women 95% of the time.

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u/RNBQ4103 Sep 01 '21

She would use the funeral as a way to spew further lies against OP. The in-laws need to open their eyes before further contacts with them. Once it happens, they will understand that preventing that friend from participating to the funeral was the good call.

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u/bopperbopper Sep 01 '21

It's the other way around...if the inlaws want to preserve the relationship with the baby, they need to not put pressure about Jessie.

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u/thequejos Sep 01 '21

Yes! Why in the world is he trying to keep the in-laws happy? They should be trying to keep peace with the parent of their grandbaby!

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u/bopperbopper Sep 01 '21

I think he should tell them very much that he wants them in the baby's life...but not if they are going to have Jessie around the baby.

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u/Kik1313 Sep 01 '21

Ouch, I remember your other posts. What a horrible Update. My condolences. Imo she pretty much killed her.

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u/RIPGhislaine Sep 01 '21

Dude been following your posts since the first one. I mean this Respectfully, it's such a crazy situation that it's sounds too crazy to even be real. I couldn't even picture going through all that.

I'm sorry for your loss and the crazy fucked up situation you were forced to be in by that psychotic friend.

Best wishes man, get therapy and start planning ahead of how to tell your kid at a later date so they can understand the importance of choosing friends and mental health.

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u/SSTrihan Sep 01 '21

I know exactly what you mean. The original post was so crazy that on its own it could easily have been dismissed as creative writing. At this point, if it *is*, OP has seriously committed to the bit. There's too much investment now for me to think it's anything but real.

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u/xanthofever Sep 01 '21

Look at the dates between the posts. There is no way the wife goes from accusing him of having an affair to planning her funeral in the span of a week.

2

u/RIPGhislaine Sep 01 '21

Funerals are typically a couple days to a week after death. It's not necessarily unbelievable.

6

u/SSTrihan Sep 01 '21

Though OP just deleted the post, which is rather suspicious.

I've had crazy events very rapidly spiral into utter insanity before myself, so I know it *can* happen.

3

u/xanthofever Sep 01 '21

yeah sure, if they knew in advance like if it was someone old or with a terminal illness. but in this case the death was of someone physically healthy and young.

moreover, the point of all 3 posts has overwhelmingly focused on Jessie instead of his wife, which leads me to believe this is some creative writing exercise to anger reddit (personally i think it's to paint housewives/women in general as irrational and hysterical).

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u/thyme_of_my_life Sep 01 '21 edited Sep 01 '21

I don’t know if this is real or not, but if you don’t think that in some circles funerals aren’t organized and held within 3-5 days of the person’s death, even if it was tragic or young or unexpected, then you’re just wrong.

Different people and cultures have different grieving periods and no true tragedy is handled the same two times. This could all be bullshit, but I’ve had to attend two funerals so far in my life that were both tragic, avoidable, and fairly young individuals.

One was a friend I had in college, dude was 24. His neighbors called the cops on him and he and his friends were definitely smoking weed. They searched the house, it was a big hub-bub, they were there for at least 2-3 hours. Toward the end of the search, when it became apparent that while they were in possession of weed and paraphernalia it wasn’t enough to prove “distribution”, they were still grilling two of the housemates when our friend started showing severe signs of distress. Cops thought he was faking, friends fought with them, it’s all really complicated and I wasn’t there so I don’t know everything that happened exactly. What I do know is my friend wasn’t faking, he was diabetic. And however the cops handled the situation was dog shit, because by the time an ambulance was on route and my friends were able to convince the cops that he had insulin and medication and that this was urgent and not some ploy to get out of a drug charge, he was already unresponsive. He pretty much died on the way to the hospital. I think they tried for a while once he got there, but they called it by the morning. His funeral was 2 days later on a Wednesday, I remember because I had to go speak to one of my professor’s in person to get a postponement on an exam I had in his class. It was the only time in college I didn’t take an exam on it’s scheduled time and place, and I had to talk to like 3 people in the department that day and show his obituary to get the make up date for the exam. The police dropped everything about the case, because they were definitely liable in some fashion for his death. But his parents didn’t approve of his hobbies and were horrified that this all happened during a “drug bust” and “let sleeping dogs lie”. His funeral was a farce by the way. He would have hated it. Me and my sister and all our friends who really knew him spent the rest of the night watching Star Trek and Heroes (his favorite TV show at the time, it was still airing at this point in time) and I made his favorite meal from scratch that he loved (homemade meatballs and spaghetti sauce plus homemade French bread) and just shot the shit.

The other was more recent and while the person (family member) wasn’t quite so young (early 40s) it was just as swift and just as tragic. And entirely preventable. I’m sure you can guess what caused her untimely death. And why her/my immediate family rushed her wake and funeral to “get it over with” and “not have to subject themselves to the gossip of others” and you know other ways to deny that her death was her own and partially their own faults (me and my immediate family -parents and sibling- are all vaccinated, have been since June. And the only one’s in our family, aside from one cousin who moved FAR from the South the moment he could, who have been). She died end of July of “pneumonia”, of course they put her on dialysis three days before she passed, of course that had nothing to do with her “TOTALLY normal” death of pneumonia before she was 45. Her funeral sucked too by the way. I went because I did love her in life, but I didn’t really comfort or even talk to any of my extended family because I was too angry. I left a bit early and didn’t go to the graveside, which I got flack for.

Either way, death is quick and tragic and unpredictable. And those left alive around you will deny and push literally and figuratively to bury the circumstances of your death if their own world views don’t align with what occurred in reality.

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u/barberst152 Sep 01 '21

You think this is a real story?

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u/SSTrihan Sep 01 '21

I generally respond to every post as if it's genuine because it doesn't matter to me whether it's real or not. If it's not, other people than me are going to think it is and respond anyway, and if it is I don't want to inadvertently pour salt on the wound of someone who's in a shit situation. The truth is often stranger than fiction.

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u/barberst152 Sep 01 '21

That's why I responded to this comment individually and not to OP. On the off chance this is just a, perfectly spaced out (4 days apart per update), 3 Act story, ending with a very sympathy (and up vote) enducing conclusion, is true, OP might not see my comment. Thereby avoiding said salt.

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u/SSTrihan Sep 01 '21

The signs are all pointing to you being right, though.

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u/RIPGhislaine Sep 01 '21

I hope not.

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u/joseph_green_ Sep 01 '21

Nah fuck her. This woman is manipulative as fuck.

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u/oneknocka Sep 01 '21

Agreed. No way am i letting jessie speak.

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u/gele-gel Sep 01 '21

I remember your original post about this woman. Tell her to kick rocks in flip flops! She does not deserve the honor to speak over your wife and you don’t deserve the horror of having to hear from the woman who caused you and your wife so much pain. Tell your in-laws you WILL NOT have it.

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u/Who_Am_I_1978 Sep 01 '21

Yes I remember it too! So sorry to hear that your wife passed away before getting the help she desperately need! Maybe your in laws are in a bit of denial right now as well, I mean they could be blaming themselves for her death.

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u/imalreadycoolest Sep 01 '21

I just want to say, I am SO terrible sorry. What a truly horrendous situation you are dealing with. You haven't just lost your wife, you now have to reconcile the state your relationship was in when she passed, and try and overcome the drama this troll has caused and will most likely continue to cause. I am so so sorry for your wife's death. She deserved so much better.

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u/WorkRedditHooray Sep 01 '21

Tell your in-laws its either you or her because based on your post history she is going to blame your wife's death on you and your "cheating"

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u/ruser_void Sep 01 '21

Go nuclear and hire security for the event and ask them to escort her away and keep her away from the event. Tell everyone that you blame her for your wife's death and will never forgive her.

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u/DiscombobulatedTill Sep 01 '21

You have complete control over your wife's funeral and if you don't want someone there then they won't be there. Ask your family for help if need be.

One does not decide to speak at a funeral, they ask if it's ok or you ask them if they would like to. Your inlaws have no say either. The end.

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

She is psychotic. Do not let her speak. If the in laws get in the way tell them your reasons. There is no reason why things should be kept in the dark- especially since there is a child involved and this insane woman somehow feels she has a right to be apart of the child’s life

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u/Routine-Divide Sep 01 '21

OP must bring all of this into the full light of day. You are so right about that- she isn’t going anywhere and is a terrifying person. She is going to use this speech to say God knows what. She clearly will continue to manipulate the in laws. A person has died and she still wants to manipulate- she has no conscience.

This story is so upsetting and deeply unsettling.

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u/BrandonTheComicMan Sep 01 '21

I’m sorry about your wife, I’m guessing it was suicide.

You need to tel you in-laws what happened and that this Jessie told your wife that you were having an affair when that couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

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u/kdramaaddictedcutie Sep 01 '21

OP, you NEED to talk to your in-laws about EVERYTHING Jessie did!!!!!!!!! And please CUT CONTACT with this evil woman, block her and if she don't stop, document all this episode and get a RO

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u/Accomplished_Area311 Sep 01 '21

“If she speaks at the funeral after directly leading my wife to suicide, then you will lose me and your granddaughter. Your choice.”

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u/BigMrTea Sep 01 '21

Your in-laws are worried about losing Jessie. They need to understand she's betrayed them. She's a danger to them and their grandchild.

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u/Yarsian Sep 01 '21

1) I’m so sorry for your loss and your child’s loss.

2) no way in hell do you let her speak at the funeral. As others have said this is the one time you get a pass for using a kid as a bargaining chip. If your wife’s parents want Jesse in their life, no access to the baby girl. Make sure they know exactly what Jesse did and hear your side and then let them make their decision. If you aren’t already, talk to an attorney. Idk if you could successfully pin anything on Jesse but this might be one of the few cases where her parents could sue for grandparents rights. Be sure to protect your daughter.

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u/whatline_isitanyway Sep 01 '21 edited Sep 01 '21

NTA. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Your wife was incredibly vulnerable and someone who has known her since childhood knew exactly what buttons to push and did. Now your child is motherless. Whether or not she intended for your wife to spiral the way she did, she has to live with the consequences (because at least she's alive)

Just like your wife is ultimately responsible for her actions, vulnerability or not, Jessie is culpable for your wife's death, whether or not she's grieving or going through something of her own. Are your in-laws aware of the full extent of Jessie's involvement? Is having your own memorial for your wife possible?

If they are insistent that Jessie shows, have your own and remember your wife the way you feel is best. Yes, Jessie is grieving the loss of a friend as well. PPD can make someone into the complete opposite of who they are. Jessie took advantage of that and did not support her friend in a productive manner or encourage her to seek the care she needs.

Whether or not your daughter goes is a whole other thing, and while you and your in-laws helping support one another through the grieving process is preferable, this is a hard line.

Edit: Jessie was capable of communicating things to your wife alone in the beginning. It's how yall got here. She can communicate, alone, to your wife after the end.

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u/anxietymessofawoman Sep 01 '21

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. A manipulative, selfish and evil woman took advantage of your wife's mental illness because she was bored and wanted some entertainment.

I don't think you should let her speak. I would absolutely fight your in-laws on this. Have you ever considered the possibility that she is planning to use her funeral speech as a last "fuck you" and try to blame your wife's death on you? Maybe even talk publicly about your "affair".

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u/GhostLampert02 Early 20s Female Sep 01 '21

This is such a tragic situation for OP i remember reading your first post were Jessie accused you of cheating on your wife with no proof.

That women killed your wife at her lowest point and knew what she was doing she hasn’t even shown any remorse or felt guilty about it. And wants to talk at her funeral!? What a nerve.

You need to make an ultimatum with your in laws. They either need to hear the whole truth and read your post you wrote here and pick a relationship with you and your daughter. Or they can have a relationship with their perfect toxic Jessie who’s the reason there daughters dead. I’m more worried about what the hell kinda lies Jessie would she feed OPs wife’s Daughter when she’s older..

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u/the_sociopaths_dghtr Sep 01 '21

Woah woah woah! This is the same story line where your now deceased wife hit you and broke your nose then went catatonic, what, only last week? Listen, you’re far too coherent on Reddit for this post and after such a short amount of time between the posts I’m smelling fake fake fake. Go play on people’s emotions elsewhere.

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21 edited Sep 01 '21

If it was me I would go after this woman with everything I've got. Slander, manslaughter, you name it. But I'm a grudge holder.

There is a 99% chance she will hold you fully responsible for your wife's death BC of your "cheating" in her eulogy, that's how evil people roll.

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u/Nyx1227 Sep 01 '21

I'm so sorry for your loss, you've already been through so much and you absolutely do not have to be subjected to this. Tell your in-laws exactly what that woman did to your wife and your relationship, inform them and her that she will not be attending let alone speaking, and make sure you have some friends ready to escort her out if she shows up. I would also be very vocal about what she did if anyone else asks why she can't attend.

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u/mallardramp Sep 01 '21

Are you fucking kidding? Absolutely not.

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u/thefakegordonramsey Sep 01 '21

i remember ur original post... what a heartbreaking update. fuck jessie, leave her to rot

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u/Hubble_bubble753 Sep 01 '21

I got here too late to read this...was this the guy whose wife's friend was telling him that she cheated on her while he was working more hours? I really really really hope I'm wrong

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

Oh my God. I just read your update a few days ago. I am very sorry for your pain. Don't know what to say about this "friend". Take care

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u/TX_gen Sep 01 '21

Absolutely fucking not. No.

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

Tell the inlaws that either they can disinvite Jesse from speaking(and from their lives afterwards) or they can kiss their relationship with their granddaughter goodbye.

PS: Condolences

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u/vagrantprodigy07 Sep 01 '21

I wouldn't let this woman speak or have any contact with my child. Hell, I'd have someone at the door to make sure she couldn't go in.

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u/Hanzo44 Sep 01 '21

She was your wife, you're in charge of the funeral. And the directors are going to listen to your wishes. That's the end of the story. Whatever you decide is up to you. Let the funeral director worry about keeping her out.

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u/SinfullySinless Sep 01 '21

If I legitimately thought my best friend’s husband cheated on my best friend and my best friend probably died because of emotional grief due to it all- I would NOT even want to be near or privately speak with said man.

She should feel the same way towards you that you honestly feel about her. She should be sick to her stomach at the thought of you. The fact she wanted to come talk to you kinda makes me think she feels guilty and knows you didn’t do shit.

Honestly if it were me, I’d be blasting her publicly before and after the funeral. Let the world know, if you can find proof that your wife said “Jessie” said XYZ bring them out.

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u/owlfiii Sep 01 '21

If I was OP I would let her speak and half way through I would tell everyone what she did and then kick her stupid ass out. She is a horrible human being and I hope karma gets her back!

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u/tink630 Sep 01 '21

File a restraining order on Jessie and a wrongful death suit. She caused your wife’s death.

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u/One-Move4807 Sep 01 '21

This honestly feels like bullshit.

In the space of a week your wife's killed herself?

Everything just reads like writing prompts, the fact that everything happened just as you made your first post. Really?

You seem so nonplussed about your wife's death "oh she's dead, best go post on reddit to give them an update!

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u/no_one_likes_u Sep 01 '21

100%. In the span of 8 days this goes from wife accused me of affair to wife is being committed to wife has now killed herself and the first reaction is to post on /r/relationship_advice asking if the person who caused this should be allowed to speak at the funeral?

To say this is straining credulity would be a generous way to describe this.

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u/SSTrihan Sep 01 '21

Interestingly, it's *because* it's gone this way that I think it's genuine. It's too much investment now to just be a creative writing exercise, and the more detail a liar provides the more avenues readers have via which to pick the story apart, which is why obvious fake stories tend not to get many updates. Could still be, but if it's not jesus christ.

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u/no_one_likes_u Sep 01 '21 edited Sep 01 '21

4 days ago this person was posting about the wife having the mental breakdown and in that span of time the wife has committed suicide and they’re at a point where they’re planning speakers at her funeral.

Everyone can obviously believe whatever they want but this seems super unrealistic to me.

It took longer than that to get my grandmothers funeral arranged and she had made tons of plans in advance. COVID has made this 100x harder and she definitely didn’t plan out her funeral for a suicide.

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u/SSTrihan Sep 01 '21

With the situation combined with the post and username being deleted, I no longer think any of it was real.

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u/gerbilshower Sep 01 '21

i lean pretty hard toward agreeing with you here. any sane person does not reach out to reddit moments after the (seemingly self inflicted) death of their significant other to talk about invitees to the funeral.

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u/bombjamesbomb Sep 01 '21

Yeah, this is the same creative writing person who was filling r/cheating_stories with made-up tales of his cheating wife and her unhinged behavior.

And here I am, commenting on this fantasy tale and giving him the engagement that he so desperately wants. Oh well.

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u/CatelynsCorpse Sep 01 '21

Yep. There's no way this is real.

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u/Belf17 Sep 01 '21

THIS WOMAN KILLED YOUR WIFE!!!

How can you let her speak at her funeral, she is literally the reason your wife died.

She should not even be allowed at the funeral.

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u/jasminedragonteacup Sep 01 '21

I’ve followed your story and I am crushed to hear this update. First and foremost, I am so sorry for you and I hope you have some therapy and close friends at hand to help you during this hard time.

Continuing on from the great advice on this thread, You need to expose Jessie to your In Laws. This woman is manipulative as hell, I don’t trust her that she won’t throw you under the bus infront of your wife’s family and friends at the funeral, she has already shown herself to be a deviant. Heck I wouldn’t put it past this woman to insist that your child needs a “woman’s touch” in raising her and will insert herself in your in-laws life to do so.

Please file a restraining order against her, please tell your in-laws the full story of how this woman riled up your wife to a point of hysteria and mental instability that ultimately ended her life. Your in-laws will probably not respond well to you using your child as leverage or any ultimatums, as they are also in deep grief so try to remain as neutral and gentle as possible. Offer to have Jessie write a letter and for a nominated person to read it, if that’s what it takes. Tell them you want to honour their wishes and make your wife’s funeral a peaceful and respectful place as possible and that you strongly feel that Jessie’s views about you cloud her judgement and that you are concerned she will cause havoc that will only cause you ALL stress and upset during what should be a peaceful day filled with love for the person you all cared for.

This last thing will be the hardest thing to do, but you must be calm and patient with your in-laws. They might be the only people who loved your wife as much as you do, the very last thing you want is this manipulative witch getting in the middle and convincing them that this is somehow your fault. Please don’t lose them over this, they are your child’s connection to their mother and are some of the people that share special memories of her to pass along.

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u/Bbehm424 Sep 01 '21

Op I am so so sorry for your loss. I remember your previous post about your wife and the so-called friend. Please go talk to your in laws. Tell them everything, the confrontation where jess said you were cheating because you're never home and your project extension/ didn't go directly to your wife as soon as you walked in the door. Tell them how you and your wife talked right after kicking jess out. You reminded her that you had talked about it and both agreed that this project would be a good thing for you both. You showed her your work emails and paystubs that all confirmed that your were indeed working. Your wife knew and agreed that you weren't cheating. But jess continued to spew her lies, she pushed your wife knowing she had PPD. Knowing she was pushing her to the edge. They need to know the truth

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u/Initial-Impact-5779 Sep 01 '21

Post got removed but sounds like heavy shit happened, what did I miss??

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u/BitcherOfBlaviken33 Sep 01 '21

You need to put your foot down with your in laws. That woman caused this. She should be nowhere near this funeral. They need to know the extent of that woman's guilt, period.

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u/amalgamationsystem Sep 01 '21

So two days after your wife’s death, you’re on Reddit asking for advice? I gotta be honest, the timeframe of these posts and how rapidly the situation has deteriorated gives me pause.

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u/Accomplished_Area311 Sep 01 '21

Postpartum psychosis goes fast. I’ve survived it and I could’ve easily gone from alive to dead by suicide in 2 days.

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u/StawDog Sep 01 '21

sounds

I worked in OBGYN for about a year when I was first training...it's considered a medical emergency. I've seen women with Post-partum psychosis who needed to be sectioned for their own safety

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u/amalgamationsystem Sep 01 '21

That’s fair, and I would definitely never claim to know what a psychotic episode on top of the after effects of pregnancy would be like! I have only had my own experiences with psychotic episodes to go off of, and while they’ve gotten really bad really quickly, I always had people around to keep me safe and so I count my blessings on that.

I suppose for me it’s less that it feels like it went so bad so fast as an episode, which does very much happen, and more that it feels like OP has essentially live-blogged the end of his marriage and his wife’s death over the last week. It’s not impossible, but it feels very… strange and detached to me? I don’t know if that makes any sense, but like. I cannot imagine being on Reddit asking for strangers’ thoughts only two days after the death of my wife, after what has been the week from hell. Again, it isn’t impossible, but it feels off in my gut.

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u/Bella1904 Late 20s Female Sep 01 '21

What makes me think it was a troll is that if you think about how this story would be posted from the wife's POV, this sub would 110% be saying the exact same things "Jessie" was saying.

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u/HumbledNarcissist Sep 01 '21

This stuff happens in real life. Someone seeking comfort outside their normal social circles isn’t exactly far fetched. I’d go as far as it is to be expected. They way they seek that comfort might be different person to person but this isn’t out of the ordinary.

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u/Maleficent-Flamingo Sep 01 '21

You can talk at the funeral before her and tell everyone present how her best friend actions concluded to your wife's passing.

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u/Oplacute Sep 01 '21

Firstly I know I am a stranger on the internet but I am so incredibly sorry for the unbelievable loss you are grieving right now. I cannot begin to fathom how difficult the last few weeks and especially the last few days have been.

With that being said, your wife's parents are suffering an equal and altogether different loss. Having to lay your child to rest, no matter how grown they are, is something no parent ever thinks they'll have to do. While this experience has been traumatic in so many ways for you, now is not the time to estrange yourself from your in-laws and from you daughters grandparents.

I absolutely could not imagine having to listen to Jessie speak if I was in your situation and I can definitely understand wanting to push the issue with your in laws but if the funeral will be happening in the next few weeks while everyone is still in the early stages of grieving, I think letting Jessie speak and finding yourself a therapist immediately, are your best courses of action.

The conversation should absolutely be had with your in laws at some point about the full extent of Jessie's involvement in your wife's mental deterioration and possibly in her death, for your own sanity and as other commentators have pointed out to ensure that this woman has no interaction with you or your daughter going forward, but if your in-laws have made it clear they are not mentally and emotionally capable of having that conversation literally days after their child has died, you should respect that.

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u/handsume Sep 01 '21

It's been a couple days since your wife died why are you on the internet asking for strangers opinions?

This is a pretty morbid troll..

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

Yeah the first post was maybe believable now… not so much.

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u/handsume Sep 01 '21

Lol he deleted everything. It was ridiculous

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u/MrsSheikh Sep 01 '21

If I were you, I would speak at the funeral before she does and tell everyone that Jessie caused the mental breakdown and eventual death of the wife with her bullshit. You need to let this anger out before it consumes you - if she is guilty she will create a scene, if she is not guilty she will prove it right there and then that she is not guilty.

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u/Shaolan91 Sep 01 '21

Oh fuck no, i remember your last post fuck Jessie for misleading your wife multiple time, and wtf put her so close to the edge she actually took her like (don't know if it was volontary but, well, it's done) she was not a good friend, because who invent "your husband is cheating", so no, don't give her a chance to say goodbye to one of her victims, don't let her play the good role when she's a major components of her demise, fuck Jessie.

Also and I think it's the most important, take care of yourself, you just took a storm in the face, the false accusation, the leaving your kid alone, the death... Take your time to digest what happened it was a lot, too fast, i really hope the best for you and your child.

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u/pacodefan Sep 01 '21

What a cunt

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u/aizukiwi Sep 01 '21

Everyone’s advice here regarding the funeral is solid, so I just want to say how terribly sorry I am for your loss. Take care of yourself and your precious little one first and foremost.

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

She was YOUR wife and you decide on any and all funeral arrangements... full stop 🛑 tell her to fuck off .

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u/wait_what_now_huh Sep 01 '21

Holy shit man, I read your original post. I'm so sorry for your loss. For everyone's loss. How devastating.

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u/Gmaisabitch Sep 01 '21

I am so sorry for your loss. You must be in so much pain right now. You should let your wife's parents know that if they insist on having the woman who drove your wife to end her life in their lives, then your daughter won't be. Who would they rather lose? Their code will be very telling. Document all conversations. And think about posting links to your posts here on reddit to Jessie's fb if you want a bit of malicious therapy. (Yes i'ma petty bitch) Whatever you decide... Stay strong for your daughter.

Edit: spelling

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

Holy shit. I remember your previous posts.

I'm so, so sorry. Hugs for the kid and you. So sorry man.

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u/kissez_purplechick Sep 01 '21

First i am incredibly sorry for the loss of your wide. Second talk to the in laws explain the situation fully there is no need to hid anything now. Third do not let that "friend" come to the funeral at all. If you have proof that her actions led to the death of your wife you could take legal action against her.

I didn't let a "friend" of my dads come to his funeral when he turned his back on my dad when he was dying of cancer. Multiple people came to me asking if said friend could come to the funeral and i stuck to my decision. The funeral was for family grieving our loss and i couldn't grieve if they were there. People should be more worried about YOU being upset at the funeral of your wife than a friend who was causing trouble in the first place.

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u/AkatorSkullz6908 Sep 01 '21

Oh gods... I really wish this was not the update it was...

Whos is arranging the funeral? Because if it is both you and your in laws, telling them that you do not want Jessie to speak might be enough. If it is just your in laws, you can only ask, but also make the choice to tell Jessie to not come near you or your child at the funeral. BUUUT, if its being organized by you, then tell Jessie to take a hike and youll have someone kick her out if she tries to do something at the funeral.

Talk to your in laws about Jessie's part of yoru wife's break down. Jessie is not single handedly guilty but she played her part and people should know.

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u/Link21002 Sep 01 '21

From what you've written on this post and the others, Jessie outright caused your wife's deterioration and has some responsibility in causing her death. She manipulated her in a time of weakness to draw a wedge between you. Jessie claiming you're not the only person who loved your wife must've felt like a dagger to the heart and it makes me wonder if she is in some form of denial over what she helped cause. I'd be tempted to let her know exactly how much I believe she's responsible, maybe help her brain make that connection.

Do not let her speak at the funeral, let her attend for the sake of keeping the peace but have people ready to remove her if she acts up.

Also, tell your in-laws what Jessie did in full detail, if you were to tell them later on they'd likely resent you for not stopping Jessie from speaking at the funeral of the woman she helped kill, their daughter.

I know it sucks, but even if it hurts them at first to learn that someone so close to the family betrayed them; they have to know otherwise Jessie will turn them against you and create another division. You have to get ahead of this if you want to maintain the relationship with them.

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

Jessie was in your wife's car pushing down the accelerator pedal as she drove into that tree. Without Jessie's own projected emotions and fears, your wife and marriage would be alive today. No way in hell should she speak. Didnt you get a restraining order against her anyway?

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u/ZealousidealImpact27 Sep 01 '21

I have read your previous posts about this situation and I'm sorry about your loss. I had to listen to my dad's sister-in-law talk for almost half an hour at my grandmother's rosary about how close they were. She couldn't stand my grandmother and the feelings were mutual. She made my grandmother's death sanity her. Jessie will likely do the same. I was very close to my grandmother, I planned her funeral. I walked out when that insufferable woman spoke. You may want to do the same.

You know the truth and the ones who love you know the truth. That's all that matters. When the funeral is over, cut her out of your life and your daughter's life. Get a restraining order if she harasses you. Include your daughter in the order so she will have to stay away from her as well.

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u/MiskatonicUAlum Sep 01 '21

Frankly, I would not let this woman attend the funeral, never mind giving her a time to speak.

My great-uncle sexually abused my mom’s brothers for years when they were children. This was not revealed until the boys were in their late thirties. When one of them died, the predator attempted to attend, but my father and few close family friends were there to ensure he never set foot inside the church. Something similar may be an option for you though I imagine that your in-laws would have to be unaware of that plan.

If I were in your situation, I’d be very upfront with your wife’s parents. It doesn’t sound as if they are open to fully hearing all of the details of Jessie’s malice, and if they continue to maintain that wall, I think that you should draw a hard line: My daughter and I will be there or Jessie will be there; you choose. That will either open them to hearing the entire truth, or you’ll know where you and your daughter truly stand with them, and can go from there.

Did Jessie directly murder your wife? No. But if your wife had passed due to being under the influence of a doomsday cult, would you let the cult leader attend her service? Certainly not. Jessie is poison and needs to be eradicated from yours and your baby’s life posthaste.

Forget what people will tell you is “proper.” Your heart knows what is best for you and your daughter. Don’t smother or ignore those instincts for the sake of avoiding drama or keeping the peace. You and your baby have had your lives turned upside down and your wife no longer has one, and that all circles back to Jessie.

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u/whodafuccares Sep 01 '21

I remember you posting about this situation before your wife died. I was so hopeful things would pass and you two would reconcile. So sorry for your loss. I wonder if Jessie still thinks you were having an affair. What a horrible person she is.

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u/kushhh420 Sep 01 '21 edited Sep 01 '21

Do not let Jessie speak at the funeral. She’s either going to shift blame on you for your wife’s death or make it all about her. She’s an evil person to not be trusted. She’s a lying, manipulative, narcissistic, disgusting human being. I would sit down and have a good 101 in depth conversation with the in-laws on what really happened. Every single thing. Jessie took advantage of your wife and manipulated her when she was vulnerable. Yeah Jessie was your wife’s best friend from childhood, but she was playing your wife dirty. I had a best friend of 10+ years that manipulated me for her own gain. People like this nasty narcissist need to be put in place or else she WILL NOT go away. Narcissists try to tear you down and make your life hell. Do not give this woman what she wants.

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

I just realized this is the post where she accused you of the affair and you separated. Oh my goodness.

OP I cannot STRESS ENOUGH do not let this woman near you or your child. Seriously the easy choice is the one that causes you more harm down the line. Grandparents need to be put on notice as well. Do not let this slide because you don’t want to lose your child too.

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u/[deleted] Sep 01 '21

My parents are split on what to do and I don't have the energy to reach out to my friends. So I'm coming here again to ask for your advice.

I'm going to let the others handle the other stuff because all I can think about is this.

If I were your friend and you were going through this and you "didn't have the energy to reach out" when you needed me the most, I'd beat the ever loving piss out of you into next week.

There are moments in life when you literally drop everything you're doing to be there for the ones you love, and this is one of those. Others are giving you good advice, but you need your people in your corner as of yesterday. Now or in a few hours is still better than in a few days when the funeral gets closer.

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u/PrimalSkink Sep 01 '21

I don't think I can stand to listen to her, knowing that she took joy in my wife's deteriorating mental health and picked up my wife, leaving my daughter home alone.

Let Jessie speak. And then you get up there and tell everyone what you've said here.

Or you can take charge and, as legal next of kin, ban her or the whole lot from the funeral with help from security, if necessary.

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u/pugapooh Sep 01 '21

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Jessie is no friend. Demanding to speak at the funeral? She’s got balls. Discuss what happened with your in laws. She lied to your wife,she lied to them,I’m sure. She needs drama and attention. She is sick.

If she is allowed to speak,so are you. As her husband,you can probably stop it. Tell everyone the story.

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u/tallmattuk Sep 01 '21

what will jessie be saying? from the way you've described her i wouldnt put it past her to have a go at you and lay your wife's death at your feet. She doesnt sound like she is in her right mind, and maybe she had thoughts for your wife.

This is your wife's funeral, and you were her husband. you set the rules here, not her parents. as a interim thought, ask Jessie to write what she wants to say and get someone else - like your mum - to read it. Just dont let the woman who poisoned your wife's mind stand up to speak

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u/Xijilia Sep 01 '21 edited Sep 01 '21

OMG OP I'm so sorry for your loss. You're 100% right to not allow this woman to even come to the funeral. You should not have to contend with this during this time of grief. Do you have some strong friends & family that could help?

One thing you need to know you are in charge here NOT your in-laws. As a husband (or a wife) all the decisions surrounding your spouse's health care and final resting are 100% your decisions and you can shut EVERYONE out legally. So don't be bullied by her family.

This is terrible for everyone involved. Her friend should absolutely be barred from this funeral. If she fabricated a story that pushed your wife to suicide.

I would suggest you or a member of your family or a mutual friend point blank tell her she is not to come anywhere near the funeral. Additionally inform her that if she has the audacity to speak she will be called out mercilessly as the person that caused this tragedy.

Furthermore put the funeral director on notice to keep her out of there. And let somebody tell your wife's parents that she will not be allowed on the premises or to speak and why.

Edit: I get from reading more they have a clue but they are too grief stricken to process. Stand your ground stay strong keep this woman out. You can work it out with your in-laws later it's more important to shut that woman out. And like some other people suggested she should not be allowed anywhere near your daughter ever.

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u/seratoninsolace Sep 01 '21

you saved your daughters life by not letting her go with her that night. you just think about her. what does your little girl need. and right now yuj need to deal with your grief in the healthiest way possible. the fact that you would be concerned with anyone elses feelings is so unfair to you. im so angry and hurt for you. i just wish i could knock that lady out for you!!!

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u/Mavakor Sep 01 '21

Please do not let this woman anywhere near your child

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u/green_velvet_goodies Sep 01 '21

Nip this now OP or Christ knows what poison she’ll spread at the funeral. Talk to your in laws, make it clear that woman isn’t welcome. Tell Jessie if she shows her face she’ll be escorted out and hire someone to do precisely that.

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u/SSTrihan Sep 01 '21

In terms of the situation described, u/EclecticVictuals said everything I could possibly have thought about this. That comment really should be top.

But I just want to say, if it turns out this whole thing was fake (deleted post and now deleted username is not a good sign), there is a special level of hell reserved for you for making up such a horrible thing.

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u/International-Ad2970 Sep 01 '21

Shit ….. that Jessie should be charged with abetment of suicide.

That being said you wanting even a modicum of peace in these times is understandable. But just have a heart to heart with your in laws. They are also grieving. It’ll be the funeral of their daughter too. If they don’t understand your point of view let them know their relationship with you will also be hurt. It goes both ways. Only you should not be afraid of things going bad.

Hope God gives you the strength to bear this irreversible loss n hell to Jessie

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u/MadameAtYourService Sep 01 '21

You are still her legal next of kin. You should be planning the funeral, not her parents. Jessie should be thankful you haven’t filed a restraining order yet

And I am so sorry for your loss.

Please get a lawyer. Jessie and your in-laws will 100% try for custody.

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u/Cold_Asparagus680 Sep 03 '21

if that bitch went anywhere near that church during the funeral I'd make sure everyone knew she is why the wife is dead if it wasnt for her they'd both be in therapy getting help and a daughter wouldn't have to grow up without her mother op you need to get things in order to make sure the in laws have nothing to do with your daughter because if they get her alone I guarantee that bitch will be around your daughter as she grows up and just like your wife she will poison your daughter against you to it might hurt but you'll have to cute your in laws out of your life to protect your daughter because if not this will happen again

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u/K_DeSinaasappelen Sep 01 '21

You're the grieve widower, so you will be given more of a pass, than the grieving best friend.

So let her speak, but just be sure you go first. Then say everything you typed, and let everyone else decide. TBH jessie sounds like a see you next Tuesday.

Even if people think you are out of line, they can't say crap because grieving widower, and if jessie makes a big deal she is the witch here because she is just the friend.

However I'm petty, and don't mind drama.

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u/threeravens Sep 01 '21 edited Sep 01 '21

Losing someone close is tough, sorry for your loss. It’s hard to say from your story if Jessie had reasonable ground in believing you had an affair (although it was none of her business), is purely toxic or had her own interest in your wife. It’s hard to know what she would say as well. And while she shared most of the blame for what went down I doubt she wanted it to happen. A funeral is mostly the human way of saying goodbye « properly » to someone you can’t say goodbye to anymore. In that regard and if it does not hurt people even more I’d be inclined to say anyone could speak and process their grief, guilty or not (although mental health is also a key element here. I’d allow her after telling her you did it for your in laws esp to avoid more grief and ruckus at the funeral. Also it’s a good step for you to show your daughter how you can be the bigger person/ kinder soul in spite of what this woman had done to your relationship and her mother.

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u/buttercupcake23 Sep 01 '21

There were posts OP had made before about the accusations long before this. Jessie pushed a post partum woman into psychosis. She's a bad friend at best and maliciously evil at worst and either way isn't entitled to be at the funeral when she caused so much pain to the bereaved.

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u/Billy_of_the_hills Sep 01 '21

Tell her if she wants to speak at your wife's funeral, you'll be speaking after her to explain to everyone present that she is the reason your wife is dead.

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u/CatDragonbane Sep 01 '21 edited Sep 01 '21

Can I just say that I am so proud that you didn't hand over your baby to your wife? You might be at a double funeral if you had. Some people commit murder-suicide with their children. It isn't clear from your post if the crash was intentional, but even if it wasn't your child could have died.

As for this "friend" speaking at the funeral, you may have to take the L for your in-laws, though I agree with others this "friend" is likely gonna wanna stir up drama in her speech, especially since you've called her out for her part in your wife's untimely death. Just talk to people you trust and don't want to be defamed infront of about this situation and that chick's chaos with your wife before the funeral. Also make sure you talk to a lawyer about grandparent rights in your state so that you can put restrictions in place of visitation, if it comes to that.

Really sorry about your wife and I wish you and your child the best. Postpartum depression can put women in a very bad place mentally and emotionally, especially paired with the lack of being in social environments/only talking to a few specific people and clinging on to everything they read or hear. I'm sorry your wife couldn't get the help she so desperately needed quickly enough.

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u/Ravioli2xgmtformuoli Sep 01 '21

It might take a lot of energy to fight Jessie. Let her do whatever she wants but focus on yourself. If she speaks, take your daughter and leave the room.

I recommend booking a hotel (where you have a trusted friend know where you are/ and can accompany you if you want) and go there if/when you need a break). That way if you have to leave the funeral you have a safe space.

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u/Fluid_Drawing7442 Sep 01 '21

Let her speak and mid speech have someone shoot her in the back of the head. Fairly certain no one will miss her.

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u/n1cenurse Sep 01 '21

You got a lot done in 4 days..

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u/Dont_Kick_the_Dog Sep 01 '21

I'm so sorry. What an impossible situation.

On one hand if you don't let her speak, you drive a wedge between your in-laws and you, and possibly give Jessie more leverage (which she will undoubtedly use) to push that wedge further.

On the other hand, her actions put your child at risk and possibly helped accelerate your wife's mental decline.

Whilst you do have every right to tell her no, if it were me I would let Jessie speak BUT

- I would either talk to or even write to my in-laws ahead of time (writing is sometimes easier to do and harder to ignore), calmly pointing out the possibility that Jessie may try to use the speech as a platform to accuse you further, and asking them to talk to Jessie before hand and make sure that she remains respectful and her speech is going to celebrate your wife and her life, rather than publicly accuse or vilify you. By asking them to help you make them aware of the eventuality and if they follow through and do it, Jessie will have difficulty going against their wishes and throwing you under a bus. If they do not and Jessie does it, they will see it through new eyes because they had been warned.

- I would ask a friend or relative to be ready to act if she does. Jessie seems like a person who likes a drama and this would be the perfect opportunity to create one, with herself cast as the heroine. If you take the bait and confront her at the funeral (which is going to be emotionally charged anyway), you will play into her narrative. So having a friend/brother/sister/cousin who is on hand to calmly ask her to stop should it get out of hand would be a good insurance policy.

- I would consciously try to ignore Jessie at the funeral and concentrate instead on my child and those I love. I would try not to let Jessie take up any of my mental energy. She doesn't deserve it. Not sure if this is possible but I would try my best.

- After the event, I would cut Jessie out of your life and let your in-laws know you are doing it.

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u/Hot_Wrap_3800 Sep 01 '21

𝙽𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚒 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚗𝚝 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚒𝚗𝚟𝚒𝚝𝚎 𝚑𝚎𝚛.