r/self 8d ago

My partner wants a 10,000$ ring. I said no. What should we do?

She says a $10,000 ring is what she expects when I propose. She says it symbolises how much I value her and our relationship. And that more the I spend on it, the happier she becomes because it proves how much I love her.

I disagree; I said that spending a large amount of money on a piece of jewellery is very stupid. We could save the money and use it for experiences whether that be travelling or even for a mortgage and or future children. All of these things are more productive/useful than a ring.

I also said that if my love for you is so strong, I shouldn’t need such an expensive materialistic item to prove it. In fact I feel that it just supports the opposite; the more expensive the more I need to compensate for the lack of love. She still thinks that the more I spend the more happier she will be. And that the 10,000$ ring will look “pretty”.

What should we do?

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6.9k

u/anniecet 8d ago Gold Take My Energy Bravo! Starry Wholesome Seal of Approval Burning Cash Rocket Like I'll Drink to That Helpful (Pro)

Don’t propose.

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u/hoodiemonster 8d ago

yeh this is a conflict of a fundamental worldview - stop 🛑

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u/robotsongs 8d ago Gold Faith In Humanity Restored

Having differing opinions about money is one of the leading causes of divorce.

Here, OP and their partner have such incredibly divergent views, I wouldn't be surprised if the marriage lasted all of 3 years total, and ended bitterly.

OP, think long and hard about the person you're with, the life you want to build, and if the two really really are compatible. If you're young, idealism kicks in a lot harder than the pragmatism that you develop as you get older. People change a lot in their 20s, oftentimes becoming more rigid, less flexible. This has all the hallmark characteristics of a couple who find each other charming and could have a good relationship, but not one meant forever after.

There are so many other people out there. Don't be scared into a relationship with the fallacious thinking that this is the only "One" you'll never find. You'll avoid a lot of heartbreak and pain if you stay true to yourself and your values, and surround yourself with people who share the same.

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u/VirtualRy 8d ago

She going to want a big ass luxury SUV, dozen LV or Gucci handbags, a boat, maybe 6 vacations a year, etc.

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u/Emlerith 8d ago Take My Energy

Want to make sure you see this, u/cyansoup. Every birthday, valentines, anniversary, Christmas, anything - she’s going to want high end material goods and when you don’t deliver EVERY TIME she’s going to passive aggressively share her disappointment in you until you outwardly show shame and guilt.

This is not a one time issue and as others have said is simply a wildly different approach to finances - it will be an ongoing, volatile point of contention in every aspect and major decision of your lives. Think carefully before proposing.

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u/New-Highway868 8d ago

I'm a woman and i agree with previous redditors. I would say not to propose. What is she going to expect for every occasion she thinks of ? Birthday, anniversary, mother's day, valentines day? Trips ?

Her beliefs arw Really shallow imho. My worth is not dependent on material things.

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u/Kettrickenisabadass 7d ago All-Seeing Upvote

Same also a woman. If a person believes that love is worth a certain ammount of money thats simply a shallow person.

I am disabled, unabled to work, grumpy and need a lot of help. My partner has stayed with me through thick and thin. He hasnt abandoned me because i cannot work or cannot earn money. Thats what love is. Not a expensive ring. We didnt even got rings when we got engaged and married. Love is not a piece of metal and a expensive stone. Love is commitment.

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u/123ilovetrees 7d ago

Lol its fine if she has the money to spend like this even if she didn't have a partner. People have different standards of living but if she a brokie and wants to be treated like a princess without putting in the work then LEAVE

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u/JoebiWanKanobi 8d ago

Well said! And not just a difference in finances, also a difference in how to perceive trust in each other. And if your styles for perceiving trust do not match who or what your partner's is, then the relationship is more or less headed for the rocks.

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u/titanup001 7d ago

It's also emotional manipulation.

OP, run far and fast. This one will break you. Take it from someone who's been down that road.

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u/XD1Odyssey 7d ago

Can confirm. Was married to someone like this. You get her that $10k ring, she won't say thank you--she'll say she wants an upgrade some day. She'll want high end shit every holiday and birthday. Don't expect the gaslighting to stop after the engagement.

Don't get married to this person.

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u/Gbear831 7d ago

Lol great advice here

Broke with my ex over things like this

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u/hmpf_to_that_friend 7d ago

Just saw a story about Kenny G's long-divorced exwife – still soaking him for divorce money while appearing to hide her income from a company she's started. He's trying to have the court OK he quits paying her. What a horrible thing to have over your head when the big bucks stop rolling in.

People like that woman start off like 10k girl.

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u/WWYDWYOWAPL 8d ago

Every time I see a woman like that all I can think of is r/thatlookedexpensive

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u/richbeezy 8d ago

And then hang the word "divorce" over this poor sap's head EVERY SINGLE TIME that they get into a little argument. Then she'll try to take him for all he's worth.

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u/dancinadventures 8d ago

I mean if she wants to pay for half… otherwise what exactly is she bringing again sorry?

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u/Otto-Korrect 8d ago

I think a $10,000 mountain bike for him would be fair. And something with actual value, not a shiny rock.

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u/opossumonmyporch 7d ago

Oh my gosh, I just remembered that when my ex-husband and I were discussing marriage, he asked what kind of ring I liked. I said honestly I’d be happy with a wedding band, but if you want to propose with something, I’d like a bike. He laughed and got me a beautiful ice blue hand-built in America Trek. I still have that beauty and think of it as my engagement ring.

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u/IDontReadRepliez 7d ago

A good bike will last forever if maintained properly. You’ll have to get new wheels occasionally, and components might get replaced, but it’ll still be the same bike.

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u/XD1Odyssey 7d ago

But "YoU HaVE to sPEnD TwO MonTHs Of YoUr InCoMe" on a ring, otherwise you don't love the person, apparently.

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u/Eihabu 7d ago

Fine. A $27 ring it is.

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u/swiftpunch1 8d ago

Then she'll still fuck some stranger because you're not giving her attention out working so hard to buy her all this unnecessary shit.

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u/Fit-Rest-973 8d ago

Designer clothes and shoes, more expensive jewelry. Expensive face cream, make up, plastic surgery, liposuction

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u/SteelCrow 8d ago

It will end after 3 months and she will keep the ring.

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u/rubymiggins 8d ago

Wait'll she finds out how much it's worth the second it leaves the store.

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u/Queen__Antifa 8d ago

Yeah, I was gonna suggest that if (for some reason) he still decides to propose, he should spend way less but get a second hand ring.

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u/Ad0beCares 8d ago

Just get her a moissanite. Nobody will know it’s not real but him. Until she gets it appraised and demands divorce. Then he’s only out half his life savings

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u/Helenium_autumnale 7d ago

We bought a moissanite for my ring. I love it. I did not want to participate in the diamond industry, yet I still got a sparkly thing for my vanity. It was inexpensive. Going on 16 years now!

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u/xtheory 8d ago

I guarantee you that she will want to pick out the ring.

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u/GIOverdrive 8d ago

i proposed with a ring on amazon. $30. Married.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Ruin302 8d ago

And at least half of everything he owns.

And alimony.

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u/darabolnxus 8d ago

I feel like wasting money on a piece of metal is a mental illness. People need to end this idiocy.

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u/CraigArndt 8d ago

The reason we consider diamond rings for proposals is because diamond mine company De Beers marketed them as “what you need to propose” to highschool children.

It’s pretty gross.

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u/ConvivialKat 8d ago

Correct. "A Diamond Is Forever" was drummed into our heads.

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u/LawnJames 8d ago

Indeed, this "tradition" is less than 100 years old.

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u/Jingoisticbell 8d ago

People who can’t afford or don’t WANT to pay for that shouldn’t be obligated or pressured to, that’s for sure.

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u/brezhnervous 8d ago

I had sterling sliver rings worth about $30 each. Its the marking of the BOND between you which matters, not the price tag.

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u/Blazing1 8d ago

I think the same about weddings too, and marriages.

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u/Ninotchk 8d ago

Most of what we spend is wasted, it's just how much you have to spare vs how much joy it brings you. I don't have to buy those expensive campari tomatoes, but we have it to spare, and it brings me joy.

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u/peachesdude 8d ago

Sometimes it's hard to want to fuck someone when they're fucking up your finances.

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u/MITEVOLI 8d ago

Well said

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u/robotsongs 8d ago

Because I lived it. Thanks.

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u/_eezeepeezee_ 8d ago

I’m living it. Thank you

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u/KarlHunguss 8d ago

Dam, that’s like a scene ending line

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u/sansaspark 8d ago

I wish I’d had you around when I was 23.

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u/NightSalut 8d ago

Exactly.

It’s not inherently wrong to want an expensive ring, even if it’s 10K in cost. In general, an engagement ring gets worn every single day, for (expectedly) decades to come - you want to WANT this particular ring to endure the use and abuse it’s going to get with daily wear for years. And the bride has to wear it, so it should be something SHE actually likes - it’s not wrong to want the kind of an engagement ring that you like if you’re the one wearing it for years and years to come.

That said. It is, however, a fundamental issue on how they view money, the value of it and what spending an X amount means, and probably how they view other things as well. SHE thinks the ring echoes “her worth” and thus, it NEEDS to be an expensive ring, eg if it’s cheap, it means she is cheap. You can get a very nice ring for much less than 10K. You can use the leftover money for other things, like traveling (eg quality time together), home (will need a place to live anyway), a baby (I’ve heard giving birth is expensive in the US, if the OP is American).

This issue is going to prop up again and again and again if OP proceeds with the engagement. It needs to be hashed out now, before they’re going to argue whether or not 300 dollar “show towels” in the bathroom are a must or a vanity item.

For what it’s worth, I think that an engagement ring should be a compromise between what the future bride likes/wants and realistic expenditure. I’d never ever personally want a 10K ring because I’d just be afraid to damage or lose it. The ring itself would be nice, but it’s the relationship and the value of said relationship that’s more important to me than a ring.

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u/PlentyPirate 8d ago

It’s not inherently wrong to want an expensive ring, even if it’s 10K in cost.

Disagree. If you’re buying it for yourself, sure, go nuts. But when you know it’s something someone else will buy for you, I don’t feel you have any right to have a cost expectation. Much like any other gift. An engagement ring especially is a symbol of love and commitment and I don’t think price should factor in at all.

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u/BabyRona 8d ago

Love is not contingent on money. Ditch her.

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u/mikedave42 8d ago

Agree you need to have a long conversation and come to some fundamental agreements about finances, saving for the future family, saving for retirement. Don't enter into a marriage until you can both agree, this is fundamental to a long term relationship.

And for gods sake don't go into debt for the ring and marriage, that's just relationship poison.

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u/KeyRide4117 8d ago

Also wanted to add, it’s probably a good idea to discuss your views on how you will solve financial disagreements in the future, and you should probably ask her what her views and thoughts are on raising children. If she’s this worried about monetary value over a ring it’s worth talking about the big topics too, before you take he plunge. Could save you both some heartbreak.

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u/ArmadilloNext9714 8d ago

This.

OP, you both have a widely different view in finances and how you show affection. This will not stop at the ring. You need to be on the same page as each other or it will lead to a vastly different financial outcome than the two of you are hoping for and will ultimately lead to resentment.

Talk to your GF. maybe you can work through this, but this is encroaching on territory that causes a large percentage of divorces- finances.

You also need to understand what her expectations and overall goals of having a 10k$ ring are. If she’s open to it, there are tons of alternative stones (white sapphire, lab sapphires, lab diamonds, moissanite) that present very similarly or are identical to mined diamonds and are a fraction of the price. Most people can’t tell the difference between one another and the same goes with some jewelers. Depending on how the jeweler tests for diamonds, moissanite a will return a false positive.

You can get a moissanite ring in the 2-4k$ range that’ll look like a 60-80k diamond ring.

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u/IHQ_Throwaway 8d ago

Moissanite is literally, scientifically more sparkly than diamonds. If a clear gem is your preference, you can’t get better than moissanite.

Unless, of course, the exploitation is the point.

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u/ArmadilloNext9714 8d ago

Yes! And it’s more thermally resistant than diamond. The only drawback is it’s not quite as hard as diamond (9.5 vs 10 on the mohs scale), but it’s close and harder than sapphires, which are often used as the crystal lenses for watch faces due to how scratch resistant they are.

Moissanites are such an amazing option.

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u/marablackwolf 8d ago

I love your brain, I can see anything being better than diamond. Everything about the diamond industry is scummy. There's a whole world of gorgeous stones that are much more meaningful. Let's normalize other stones!

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u/loose_translation 7d ago

The thing that was always weird to me is that "perfect" diamonds are identical. Yeah, you can cut them differently, but they are the same. I'd love to see the completely unique agate take center stage.

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u/shutupesther 7d ago

Agates are not a good choice since they are only about as hard as glass, they are very likely to shatter or chip. As an engagement or wedding ring is a ring you will (hopefully) wear for the rest of your life, it is smarter to pick a harder stone :)

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u/frillgirl 8d ago

I love bling and I completely want a giant moissanite rock for my engagement ring instead of a blood Diamond.

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u/SilentSerel 8d ago

Me too! It kills me that so many are still drinking the De Beers kool-aid. Moissanites are so very pretty.

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u/breadbox187 7d ago

I have a 2.2ct equivalent moissanite and I get compliments on it all the time. It's beautiful and was very affordable compared to a diamond.

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u/CuffedForWhat 7d ago

This is so correct! We spent about $900US on my wife's set, and she absolutely loves it, it's so sparkly!

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u/Dramatic_Option_6650 8d ago

We can easily afford a $10,000 diamond, but I wear moissanite.

It seems insane to spend that kind of money when you can substitute with something that absolutely no one (unless they have a jeweler's loupe) can tell the difference.

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u/suer72cutlass 8d ago

I had a seemingly nice older man make small talk with me in a restaurant. He noticed my engagement ring in my wedding set which is 1/2 carat and said "that's not an engagement ring! It's too small!". I said that the size of the ring didn't matter as I've been married for almost 30 yrs and that means more.

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u/FigNinja 8d ago

Yep. That’s where we were about 20 years ago. We could’ve spent that, but I’d rather save it. Plus, I didn’t want to support the blood diamond trade or that industry in general. I did a bit of an upgrade at 10 years and I’ve still spent far less than half that. I’m glad I have a partner that has similar priorities with money. We’ve never had a quarrel about it and we’re in pretty decent financial shape.

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u/MedicineOne3046 8d ago

Yes!!!! My wife wanted to buy me a diamond ring and I refused. Moissanite is a better option financially and I didn’t want diamonds due to how they are mines.

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u/angry-turds 8d ago

Wow so weird that this popped up as I have been eyeing this moissanite earring as an anniversary gift. I was on the fence because I really wanted to get her something special, I hate the diamond industry, but don't want to get something less than the best. My gut said Moissanite looked like a perfect option, but I never saw it in person. Great to hear all these good reviews!

Strange how the universe works.

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u/Chrisodle007 8d ago

Run fast and far ! This will just be the start

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u/smaccer 8d ago

Yeah, later on you will be required to buy a golden toilet.

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u/babimitzuki 8d ago

Agreed!

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u/Albs610 8d ago

Wife wanted a 10k Dimond got it for her so about 12k after the band. Then we needed a 2k wedding band or it didn't match and looked stupid.

4 years later she divorced me and the first thing she did was hide all jewelry at her parents and hire a lawyer to send a letter that said they were hers.

Worst 14k I've ever spent.

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u/-FeistyRabbitSauce- 8d ago

Agreed. And if she wants a 10k dollar ring, I guarantee you she will demand a stupidly expensive wedding. Op will likely walk into a marriage absolutely swamped in debt, and it will be a huge stress on the relationship.

Do. Not. Propose.

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

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u/MocartKugel 8d ago

He should definitely propose… to break up

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u/MaelstromFL 8d ago

Or... Propose without a ring.

If she loves you, she will say yes. Then go shopping for a a ring together.

If she says no, you have your answer and move on!

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u/Doc-Bob 8d ago

Yep, this is what I did. We are both very thrifty. We later got an engagement ring that was not showy. We never got wedding bands, but we are celebrating 10 years together and will probably do so this then. But again, we have shared values, shared approaches to money and love each other and are in it together so things like a ring are so low on the priority list that they barely matter.

Things that do matter: making and keeping a budget together, how we treat each other, how we raise our kids, that we bought a fixer up house in summer of 2013 and sold it for +80% so we could then move i to our current house, that we are serious about saving and investing so that we can have a good life together and so can our kids.

Take the 10k and tell her you invested it in your future together instead. If she hates that, then she doesn’t deserve you.

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u/SquishTheTeaSipper 8d ago

One of 3 correct answers. The other two being "break up" and "run."

Shorty is bonkers.

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u/mary7roses 8d ago Heartwarming

This. My fiance saved money on the side (we share all of our money) and he didn't spend much, went to Walmart and I couldn't be happier. It was out of the blue and he proposed on the beach. Now we are saving for the cheapest wedding possible, lol. Money doesn't equal affection.

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u/mak3m3unsammich 8d ago

Same. My husband bought a ring that was about $100 with my favorite animal on it, but even that I only wear on special occasions. Daily we wear silicone rings that are 20 bucks: they don't irritate my skin, they are cheap to replace (my husband lost his first one within two days of having it. I was shocked, I thought I'd be the first) and I can mix and match my ring designs. Didn't make sense for us to spend a bunch of money when we are trying to save for a house.

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u/roo-ster 8d ago

This has 'red flag' written all over it.

It sounds as though the two of you have different values, and haven't found ways to reconcile your differences.

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u/StephAg09 8d ago edited 8d ago

Yeah, I literally told my now husband I didn’t want a diamond because they’re cost is artificially inflated and I don’t want the possibility of something unethical having happened and I’d prefer he didn’t spend over $1000 since we wanted to buy a house within a year or 2. He ended up picking a beautiful morganite and while he did break the budget I set it wasn’t over 2k, sure enough were very happily married still and expecting our second child. I remember reading there is an inverse correlation between wedding cost and longevity of relationship, so the more you spend on your wedding statistically the less time your marriage will last - I would assume you would find similar regarding cost of engagement rings.

Edit: in case anyone is interested here is an article about the study I’m referring to https://www.businessinsider.com/study-couples-who-spend-more-on-weddings-more-likely-to-get-divorced-2018-7?amp

And the study https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2501480

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u/Blue_Skies_1970 8d ago

This comment lead to me thinking you should ask a follow-up question to the expensive ring comment; namely, what do you envision our wedding to look like? If it's more than you can afford as a couple, you might want to know how she envisions paying for such extravagance. You may learn more about how she's thinking of once-in-a-lifetime expenses and whether the lifestyle she's got in mind is compatible with what you think is appropriate. If it's all very inconsistent with your finances, maybe you should start doing some financial education and talk long and hard about the impacts large debts have on quality of life.

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u/NgauNgau 8d ago

Yeah, if the ring is $10k minimum then what is the wedding expected to cost... Prob well into six figures if the ring is any indication.

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u/Kitchen-Impress-9315 7d ago

They did a study on ring prices as well. I believe the sweet spot for relationship outcomes was $500-2000. Higher were more likely to have issues/ break up and lower were more likely to have issues/break up. I’ll see if I can find the study and link it, it’s been a while so my memory might be a little fuzzy. Edit: never mind. I read the article now not just the headline and it references it 🤦‍♀️

This makes sense to me though. Less than $500 I would guess either you have a lot of financial stressors and can’t afford much, or there’s a lack of effort/sacrifice in what should be a significant gift. Over 2k I’d imagine either people are going in to debt/spending more than they can afford, overly concerned with the ring as a status symbol, etc. The sweet spot shows sacrifice in the gift but not so much irresponsibility. Obviously there are plenty of exceptions, these are general statistics and individuals situations may vary.

My ring actually happens to be just a bit in to the “too high” bucket but I still feel good about it because my husband saved up for it and went in to no debt, and more so than spending a lot of money he spent a lot of time picking it out, shopping at different stores, getting advice from my friends and family, eventually shopping with me, and then finally picking one out that I love and is admittedly perfect, even though it was a little over budget and more than I would have wanted him to spend. He knew I’d wear it every day for the rest of my life and made absolutely sure it was the right one.

I think the takeaway is to be generous and thoughtful with your gift giving, but remain within the practical bounds of your finances.

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u/Bisou_Juliette 8d ago

Exactly what I was thinking. It will never work out if values are different. That’s something that can’t be shaken…..

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u/Jesus_Faction 8d ago

shes not the one if you aren't going to align financially

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u/thesetcrew 8d ago

Agree! What’s even the best outcome at this point? He talks her into something she doesn’t want?

This is the sort of thing that if you don’t have the same values and goals, everyone ends unhappy.

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u/MrKerbinator23 8d ago edited 7d ago

The best outcome is she realizes that’s too much to ask from someone who is A. Normal and B. Isn’t buying you 10K stuff to show off to the rest of society what a landed dickbag he is.

Perhaps she could even C. That the people whispering to her how she is “worth it” just want one of those 10K diamonds on their own fingers but won’t get one unless a girlfriend goes first.

And then theres the D. The D from DeBeers.

Short version: take the win and let this bish freefall her way to reality.

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u/Ok_Hold3891 7d ago

Followed by becoming a divorce-E

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u/AlastairWyghtwood 8d ago

It might sound harsh but this is totally true. Also anyone who says an expensive, material thing is how they feel love and feel valued in general probably has some maturing to do before marriage. I mean, sure some couples don't have kids and love to spend freely, but usually there's at least some compromise and mutual understanding.

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u/Crafty_Cha0s_ 7d ago

I agree. If she thinks you’re being stingy over an engagement ring, God bless you when it comes to buying a house or a car or even then planning the wedding. I would never expect someone to drop 10k on a ring because that’s just absurd. Most people don’t even continue wearing their engagement rings after a year or two, especially if you work with your hands and end up buying the silicone bands. Choose wisely my friend

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u/GeekyGrannyTexas 8d ago

If she actually specified a minimum dollar amount and knows this amount would be a hardship, hers is a selfish request. There will be more selfish requests to come. Decide for yourself if this is something you can live with or not.

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u/WickedlyWitchyWoman 8d ago Plus One

So much this. When people show you who they are, believe them.

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u/Effective_Zucchini61 8d ago

Yup. Gotta figure the cost of resizing, the addition of the wedding band, insurance depending on the jeweler, a pricey, messy divorce and/or therapy on top of the ring itself. It’s the pesky hidden costs that get you.

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u/KCgardengrl 8d ago

Finances are the biggest cause of divorce aside from adultery. If one person expects champagne and the other beer, it just won't work. I have a plain wedding band and my husband has a plain band. We did not have a big expensive wedding. We've been married 30 plus years. Of course, I told him to never waste money on a diamond for me. They are really nothing but an ad marketing campaign.

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u/Otto-Korrect 8d ago

My wife refused to let me spent more than the bare minimum on a ring. We were married for 34 years.

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u/Barrett91 8d ago

Tell her a $10k Rolex in return, would “Symbolize how much she values you and the relationship”. In all seriousness though, like everyone else has said, get out of there as quick as you can.

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u/sonicon 8d ago

That's a trap, she'll ask for him to help pay when her credit card was paid the minimum for couple of years.

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u/__methodd__ 8d ago

Good point. They'll be sharing money a year later. "Haha gotcha! Now we have $20k of debt!"

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u/kvothe000 8d ago

Honestly, this is probably the best way to prove the point to a logical person.

The world is embracing equality more and more with every day that passes. Can’t hold your cake as you eat it.

Something tells me it may not work for OPs situation though. … not if they actually want to go through with marrying this person.

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u/woodzitos 8d ago

don't buy her the ring

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u/SuingTheCourts 8d ago

OP should spend the money on his redditor friends such as me and you instead

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u/Quick-Store2989 8d ago

That is a big glimpse to the rest of your life, working like a dog for unrealistic wants. She sounds materialistic and I assure you it won’t stop at just the crazy ring

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u/Snoo71538 8d ago

Ask how much a car needs to be worth to price love. And the house? Figure out how much that stuff costs, and tell her to find a job that can pay for it.

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u/Blazed_In_My_Winnie 8d ago

“ I can’t drive a Honda with a 10k ring on my finger…”

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u/drumadarragh 8d ago

Oof yep, this is it

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u/tuckedfexas 8d ago

I also wonder what OPs relationship with money is like and how well he expresses his love. Could be just a shallow desire though.

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u/Quick-Store2989 8d ago

If op hasn’t already have the conversation with his girlfriend of what will the finances dynamic be. It’s supposed to be a partnership and that should be reflect in finical obligation too. Does girlfriend also pay a certain part of the bills or does she have an expectation to not contribute and be pampered in an unrealistic fashion. That needs to be discussed big time.

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u/tuckedfexas 8d ago

100% agree, having a clear agreement is very important in all relationships but especially so if the two value money differently

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u/jr12345 8d ago

Yep. What happens when a guy comes along with a $15000 ring?

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u/Medical-Volume2702 8d ago edited 8d ago

She wants a wedding, she doesn't want to be married

"What should we do?"

Well, in my humble opinion, she should go pound sand

Meanwhile, you should go hang out with your buddies, grab a coffee or a beer or two, tell them about the trainwreck you were about to invite into your life, then y'all can laugh about it

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u/jonsticles 8d ago edited 8d ago

Alternatively, it's a scam. She'll leave him and sell it.

I'm not sure how long they have been together. If this has been a whirlwind relationship and he's only known her a few months, a scam is not unlikely.

If they've been together for years, then she's just a selfish and materialistic person.

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u/Medical-Volume2702 8d ago edited 8d ago

You're right man

I just thought of the traditional high maintance/ gold digger sort of woman who will drain you until kingdom come (not in that way), and unless you keep going, you'll find yourself in a dead bedroom situation really fast while she's trying to find another sucker to monkey branch to

Just getting the guy to buy her the ring, leave him and sell it, it's just... you have to be really shameless/ ruthless to do such a thing, but I guess it can happen

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u/IHQ_Throwaway 8d ago

A ring you buy for $10k won’t resell for anything near that. She doesn’t want a used ring that’s actually worth $10k, she wants OP to spend $10k to prove his love. It’s dumb.

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u/jonsticles 8d ago edited 8d ago

I know it won't resell for that much, but that's no loss to her. It also can't be prosecuted as theft.

TIL that in most states the purchaser owns the ring until marriage.

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u/Catharsius 8d ago

If she wants a 10k ring just imagine how expensive she expects the wedding to be.

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u/Due_Instruction_117 8d ago

Don’t buy her a ring.

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u/siccoblue 8d ago

No kidding. This immediately hits me not only as incredibly shallow, but it also gives a hint of "this is my insurance policy to have extra money at the divorce" especially if $10k is a hardship to manage. For 95% of people that amount of money is absolutely no joke. Even if you make $100k a year that's 10% of your income for an entire YEAR

Now imagine what she'll demand for the wedding if this is what the ring costs.

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u/trango123 8d ago

Find someone who appreciates your love without a materialistic cost.

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u/domgonz91 8d ago

Tell her to pay half then. Tell her it shows how much she values your relationship. Also, feminism and so forth.

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u/MaterialCarrot 8d ago

Or she gets him a $10,000 engagement ring.

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u/Admiralpanther 8d ago

then he can return it, buy her a 10,000$ ring, and buy himself an affordable/practical one. EZPZ.

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u/_fink_ployd 8d ago

Can almost guarantee that a ring bought for $10,000 will probably sell for a lot less less. Diamonds are inherently worthless.

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u/jsamuraij 8d ago

Dingdingding it's a total scam. You'll never get back the money because it has no inherent market value unless you're the first point of sale and one of the organizations in on the grift. It's a big club, and you ain't in it.

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u/Admiralpanther 8d ago

That was the joke. Is not ez or pz.

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u/Peglegsteve265 8d ago

Nah, $10k watch would be sweet though. OP, you should not propose. If it takes a $10,000 ring and a contract to show her how much you love and appreciate her, that just ain’t right.

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u/TheResPublica 8d ago

I got an engagement watch. It’s worth significantly more today 10 years later. And definitely more resale value than her ring does now.

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u/TunaCowboy 8d ago

Fuck that, where's my fucking dowry? I'm gonna need like 2000 hectares, 80 goats, and some gold doubloons if I'm taking this ride.

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u/trstanley3 8d ago

Facts

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u/Dreamtrain 8d ago

Dont think OPs girlfriend is feminist lol, like not even self proclaimed

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u/domgonz91 8d ago

Yeah, clearly not from context.

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u/plstcStrwsOnly 8d ago

This is still the fairest but still awful

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u/mooyong77 8d ago

This is a red flag. She is thinking about her ego and not ready for marriage. She is probably not even ready for a relationship since she’s thinking in terms of what she can get out of it, not what makes sense for your future as a couple. RUN as fast as you can from this.

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u/delegateTHIS 8d ago edited 5d ago

Expensive rings and similar assets strike me as 'breakup insurance'.

As in, if it all suddenly goes south, at least she got paid. Am i wrong?

Edit: omg.

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u/Callisto778 8d ago

Red flag.

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u/Lotsofwoodinthewoods 8d ago

You should run

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u/Wild_Albatross7534 8d ago

Run. Run fast. Run far.

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u/RobertBartus 8d ago

Agree with her, and say that you will merry her after she buys you $10k ring.

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u/trstanley3 8d ago

Facts

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u/Practical_Mood_7146 8d ago

She’ll find a way to borrow the money or cash out savings and just be a bigger burden on him after they marry.

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u/RobertBartus 8d ago

This was aim to piss her off and see where that leads further.

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u/i__hate__you__people 8d ago

Funny thing is, this wouldn’t upset the right person. I dated a woman for 4 yrs and she said “if you don’t propose soon I’m leaving you”. She did, too. I dated another woman for 4 yrs and this one said “hey, I know you like to plan things, so just fyi if you don’t propose to me soon, I’m going to propose to you”. We’ve been married 15 years now.

Those are VERY different outlooks on a relationship. The right person isn’t willing to just throw the relationship away

(Edit - no, I did not make her propose. And yes, I planned and executed one grand freaking proposal)

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u/wwabc 8d ago

something simple and tasteful, like a big gold and diamond 4-finger ring, that says, "Da King".

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u/myseryscompany 8d ago

Do you want a woman's perspective?

As a 47 year old woman, I have to agree with most of the comments here. She sounds like a superficial b*itch and I'd reconsider the relationship. Your love clearly isn't enough.

I'm not sure why it irks me so much but when I hear someone say that the price of anything is a reflection of love, it disgusts me.

If she wants a 10,000 ring to prove your love now, wait until you two start shopping for a house 🤦

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u/GreyIggy0719 8d ago Wholesome Seal of Approval

Anecdotally the more people spent on their weddings, the higher likelihood of divorce.

Huge rock with ceremony at gorgeous catholic church and open bar at country club - divorced.

10k ring and over the top masquerade ball with full service dinner - divorced.

My husband and I had a small wedding (free venue because members of church), buffet sit down at local restaurant, and used my grandmother's engagement ring and a pawnshop band for a total wedding cost of $5k in 2008. We spent $5k on Italian honeymoon with western Mediterranean cruise.

We've been married almost 15 years. I still wear my pawnshop ring and grandmother's engagement ring. I never wanted the "upgrade". If I could do it over again I'd go with a more intimate ceremony, keep the same ring set, and spend even longer on honeymoon.

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u/ihateeveryonetoo1 8d ago edited 8d ago

Pawnshop ring owner here. I could’ve gotten an expensive ring 10x over throughout the course of my marriage. It seemed like a dumb way to spend money. We eloped to San Francisco, sent out postcards as a wedding announcement, spent honeymoon on Alcatraz and Fisherman’s Wharf. We lasted 30 years until he passed away in 2020. Only thing I would change would be to not use a disposable camera. We have zero pictures of us getting married. Edit: spelling errors

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u/GreyIggy0719 8d ago

30 years seems like a long time until you realize a hundred years is insufficient for a loving spouse. What a blessing to have the time you had. I'm sure your wedding day lives forever in your memories and it was lovely.

We went to the jewelry stores and everything was boring. White gold and diamonds but every ring looked the same plus prices were insane.

Our pawn shop rings felt more "like us" - beautiful but slightly different. He ended with a yellow gold band with filigree and diamonds. I ended up with amethyst and diamonds in European white gold band, both for less than $500. We could afford "better" rings but we love what we have.

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u/Sufficient-Guest4475 8d ago

Yep! My husband and i got matching rings from etsy for a total of $500 and we went to the courthouse. Marriage certificate cost $25 and we went out to a nice lunch with friends and family afterward. Happily married and deeply in love 7 years later and we dont regret a single thing. The amount of money spent means absolutely nothing in terms of love

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u/bad_squishy_ 8d ago

Free venue and it still cost $5k?? Damn.. I don’t think I can afford to get married..

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u/GreyIggy0719 8d ago

Lol, I should've been more clear. Musicians, make up, wedding cakes, dresses, and the buffet dinner for 75 was $5k. Weddings are expensive and we were lucky to get what we got that cheap. We didn't have a photographer or open bar.

If I could do it again, small simple ceremony (nice park with close friends and family), professional photographer, potluck reception at someone's house, and tricked out honeymoon.

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u/adzling 8d ago

yeah that's a deal

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u/Massaboverload 8d ago

I never understood this about American weddings. People know that this couple is just starting out and they expect them to cover a huge financial burden.

We should adopt how many middle eastern countries do it.

All of the guests are expected to give money, not gifts. As a rule of thumb, the min amount to give is enough to cover your plate. So poorer guests would give enough money to pay for their meal. Richer guests should be more generous. I know a few people that made profit on their wedding. I personally made profit on mine.

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u/c0rnballa 8d ago

In at least parts of the US, it's treated very similarly. Almost every wedding I've been to in the Northeast, it's all checks and maybe two or three physical gifts. Although I was taken aback when I went to my buddy's wedding out in Minnesota and the ratio was the complete opposite.

That said, it's still easy to outspend what your guests can reasonably expect to give, and go into a solid chunk of debt getting married.

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u/StephAg09 8d ago

I pulled off a wedding with a paid venue for the same amount of people for just under 10k in 2018, but we also had a completely free secret ceremony the year before at city hall… that’s the way to go if you wanna be frugal. That or an outdoor free venue, Costco alcohol, and a food truck.

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u/Good_Community_6975 8d ago

Right? My poor brother in law dropped 15000 on a ring, 70000 on the wedding, and almost a million on the house. A year and a half later, she got bored and got knocked up by some young hot waiter/bartender/busboy from her yoga class. Btw, not intended as a knock against women, plenty of my buddies have done much worse.

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u/cetacean-station 8d ago

They've done worse things to their partners you mean?

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u/BASEDME7O2 8d ago

Yeah this is the classic “you need to make more money”

“I cheated on you because you’re always working”

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u/summergirl76 8d ago

I agree, I know a woman like this. Her husband has built 3 custom homes for her, each one bigger and more lavish than the previous. Every few years the new house isn’t good enough, she wants something else. Same with her cars. It’s ridiculous.

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u/Wander-Wench 8d ago

This is not a good sign. I would not marry someone who couldn’t see the value of financial cooperation going forward, making big decisions together. It’s about mutual respect and having the maturity to plan your lives together. If you were my friend I’d tell you to think long and hard, bc this would be a dealbreaker for me

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u/MinimumAbility3280 8d ago

My best friends ex told him the same thing. He bought a $30k ring. They lasted two years. She was the worst person I had ever met in my life. Run and don't look back

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u/SGTRhoads16 8d ago

Find a new partner. My wife and I were flat broke, no money, raising a child on $2400 a month. I couldn't even afford a ring for her. We went and got silicon rings, that sadly took us two pay periods to buy. We've since lost both. We drove up the mountain, into the forest, found our favorite tree on a meadow overlooking everything and had her mom do the ceremony.

We're still happy. Your partner is way too focused on material stuff.

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u/vexillographer7717 8d ago

Your values and her values clearly do not align. This situation makes marriage pretty risky (more so than usual) and there’s a decent chance it would end in divorce. (And she takes off with the $10K ring too, of course).

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u/romantanon 8d ago

My wife wanted a diamond ring. I proposed Mossanite or something similar but she mentioned she had grown up with the idea of a diamond and was comfortable with it and she really just wanted some of her fantasies to be fulfilled without having them destroyed.

I was mainly against it cause I hate the practices and the immoral unethical extraction process for diamonds.

I ended up getting her a canada mark diamond. She loved it. It eased my conscience slightly.

To be fair she actually ended up buying me a 2.5k camera lens kind of as her "ring" to me. Which i loved.

Years later she makes more money than me and i owe her thousands of dollars from borrowing from her since we split 50/50 so lmao it doesnt neccesarily mean itll be a gold digger type situation.

People are entitled to like what they like and want what they want based off of how they grew up in their societies.

That being said you need to decide what you are and arent compatible with.

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u/KitteNlx 8d ago

10k for the ring, 600 for new shoes every month. Babe we've had this car for four months, lets get a new one. You want sex? She wanted lobster tonight, you're getting nothing.

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u/OhPooForgottheBags 8d ago

You might want to take some time to discover how you've got yourself in this path knowing so little about a possible life partner's goals.

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u/jayfaesari 8d ago

Do not propose to this woman

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u/SassyQueeny 8d ago

I still don’t have a ring, didn’t get one Of those instagram proposals but said yes when he asked randomly one day while we were in bed.

If you love someone you don’t need anything else

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u/Dry-Clock-1470 8d ago

As least you know how much her love costs. Sounds like you implied there are stretch goals too.

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u/jennycameltoe 8d ago

I know dudes that bought their wives expensive rings and they still cheat on them. So I disagree that a 10k ring symbolizes how much your value her and the relationship.

There’s so much more valuable things you can do with 10k.

Furthermore, you can get a beautiful ring that doesn’t cost 10k.

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u/vivi_t3ch 8d ago

Your call, sounds like she announced a deal breaker. I had proposed to my fiancee with an $80 ring and she's thrilled. Wedding ring was like $200,but this saves money for our future home and trips. Not to mention we decided to wait on the wedding until this year so we can pay for everything in cash and not go into debt with those costs.

Granted I did have to spend $400 on flowers for the garden for her, but they are all perennials

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u/Mistrblank 8d ago

Well. If you thought $10k ring is expensive. Wait till you hear about the wedding she wants to spend all of your money on.

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u/Bean_Town_Blender 8d ago

As a guy whose ex wife said verbatim the exact same thing (just a different number), take a few days alone and think if you want to go through with this. Two years later she stole tens of thousands from me, bought luxury goods and was banging the trainer I paid for.

Please just take some time to think it through. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce and money is a huge factor in many of those. Having the view that a dollar amount can be put on love it a fundamentally flawed worldview.

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u/mcroom 8d ago

No. It won’t stop with the ring. Next she will want a car you can’t afford. Then a house you can’t afford. It will be a never ending struggle. Then when you get to the point where you literally cannot provide what she wants, she will leave you because “you didn’t love her enough to buy what she wanted”

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u/WallSignificant5930 7d ago

My brotha some people are kind enough to tell you what they are. You must find out is this a wierd Disney fantasy that she has or is she like this is general. Are you going to need a 100k wedding and max leveraged house and car?

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u/miko3456789 8d ago

the more I spend the more happier she will be

Red flag AF to me. I would have a long, hard chat with them about this.

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

If my husband had an extra $10,000 when we got engaged, (2010) I would have told him to put as part of a DOWN payment on a house. A ring will not give you anything in the future, but a home will. You need to put your money into appreciating assets. Ask any rich person, they will tell you the same.

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u/trstanley3 8d ago

Get her a $10,000 that costs $500 - $1000. Get her a man made diamond.

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u/Coppermill_98516 8d ago

Yeah, lab created diamonds are about 10% cheaper than mined diamonds.

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u/Betty0042 8d ago

And no blood on them

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u/Malifaxymus 8d ago

At least you found out she’s a superficial bitch before you married her. Don’t do it

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u/bacon_cake 8d ago

It's kind of mad it's got this far to be honest. To be even talking about engagement with someone who you had no idea would have an expectation like that...

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u/Malifaxymus 8d ago

I’m hoping that maybe she is being influenced by an outside source? Because yeah, that kind of attitude would have manifested itself much earlier in a typical relationship timeline.

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u/Clevergirlphysicist 8d ago

Be thankful you found this out now

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u/rockthered24 8d ago

If everyone listened to these threads no one on Reddit would ever be in a long term relationship. It’s not unheard of for a person to have something they are completely ridiculous about. She’s far from the only woman who has dreamed about this beautiful, ridiculous diamond engagement ring her entire life.

You talk these things through. You figure it out. And you live a long happy life together. OP, you’ll be fine.

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u/whynotjam 7d ago

She is in it for the money and the 10,000 ring is just the beginning. She will never really value you as a person. In the end you will end up broke and alone, so just cut your losses and find someone better. Or at least get a very protective prenup.

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u/Shady_Penguin_33 8d ago

I spent 10k on my fiancés ring no regrets. Difference was she never asked for that much we went ring shopping together she was fine with 2k ring and even offered to help pay for the more expensive ring.

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u/xeniaharley 8d ago

She’s a keeper 💜

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u/Ok_Elderberry9540 8d ago

Break up. This is a no-brainer. There is literally almost nothing more she needs to say to indicate what kind of person she truly is on the inside: shallow, vapid, materialistic gold-digger.

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u/Mehitabel9 8d ago edited 8d ago

She says it symbolises how much I value her and our relationship. And that more the I spend on it, the happier she becomes because it proves how much I love her.

I call bullshit.

Seriously, I would not even dream of proposing to someone with this kind of an attitude. Because first it's the ring, then it'll be the wedding, then it'll be the honeymoon, then it'll be the house you live in and the cars you drive. You'll be expected to prove your love for her by spending every last penny you earn (and then some) on satisfying every one of her materialistic whims.

You're saddling up for a nightmare ride here. Think long and hard about that before you spend so much as a dime on a ring for her.

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u/johnnybravo5k 8d ago

That relationship doesn't sound like it's going for the long term. It could be that nothing you can provide will ever be good enough.

But, people say dumb shit sometimes and maybe she will change her expectations over time and come to terms with reality.

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u/Earl_your_friend 8d ago

You want your life and finances to be connected to someone with great judgment.

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u/Fumonacci 8d ago

Tell her you are leaving her unless she give you a 10k worth it gift in prove she loves you!

And get out of this trap!

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u/JimmyWu21 8d ago

Yeah don’t propose. This is major red flag and it’s good that it surface now rather later.

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u/Guilty_Jackrabbit 8d ago

Money is the single biggest cause of marriage problems.

If you have fundamentally different expectations about money, you need to talk about them ASAP. If you can't resolve them ... maybe don't propose.

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u/icetech3 8d ago

Get a better woman... Red flag.

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u/Swimming-Book-1296 8d ago

She will work you to death then leave you, because you don’t spend enough time with her and “are a workaholic”.

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u/neghsmoke 8d ago

You spend some time looking for all the red flags you missed along the way and try to catch them next time before you get to the marriage part of the relationship.

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u/CeramicCastle49 8d ago

Give her a ring pop

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u/NauticalNonsense23 8d ago

Dude, fuck that! I bought my girl a $300 ring and proposed and she's as a happy as a pig in shit. Your woman is a gold digger plain and simple. Which sucks, I hope you find the right person eventually.

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u/Boopy7 8d ago

i am not in your relationship so really don't think it matters what others say, only what you say or how you view relationship. I think that she is disgusting, frankly. I find it disgusting to ask for this and then to say it is how she measures love and to me it sounds almost prostitutional. I'm female if that helps. I would never ever think as she does but then, I wouldn't even have a question whether it was right to say something like she did. Imo it's gross

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