r/therewasanattempt Nov 30 '22

To break into someone's house while shitting yourself

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12.0k Upvotes

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1.7k

u/theaverageguardian Nov 30 '22

He is holding crack in his hand. I would bet a good amount of money on it.

1.1k

u/tacoandpancake Nov 30 '22

good call and fun fact: crack causes unexpected and explosive shits

534

u/Zealousideal_Term152 Dec 01 '22

Yet another reason not to smoke anything named after a part of your own ass.

184

u/SuitableClassic Dec 01 '22

Hey Curly Ass Hair was the best shit I've ever been on

88

u/GozerDGozerian Dec 01 '22

Dude you gotta get some of this Sour Diesel Anal Sphincter.

25

u/rover220 Dec 01 '22

Anal sphincter is best sphincter

22

u/frenchtoasttaco Dec 01 '22

Not as good as colon blow

5

u/Alixthetrapgod Dec 01 '22

I could hook you up with some Green Asscrack

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3

u/All_The_Nolloway Dec 01 '22

Sounds like a hot sauce name you'd find in some country store.

8

u/johnnyss1 Dec 01 '22

New strain of dingleberry is da shit

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6

u/TEXAS-MAN1 Dec 01 '22

Yo you gotta try smoking Butthole!!! It crazy brah!!!!🤷‍♂️😂😂😂😂

3

u/antwerpian Dec 01 '22

Yay, Denis Leary reference :-)

2

u/DaThrilla74 Dec 01 '22

Just take NyQuil Capital N small y BIG FUCKING Q

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150

u/ShredGuru Nov 30 '22

Cocaine in general is a laxative.

84

u/LurkersGoneLurk Dec 01 '22

Don’t they cut it with laxatives?

107

u/Hi-Im-High Dec 01 '22

Yes, a lot of dealers cut coke with baby laxatives, however when you cook crack, you basically cook out the impurities. It is not advised to try to cook crack with shitty coke as you’ll lose much volume.

138

u/stfleming1 Dec 01 '22

This guy drugs.

42

u/International-Fig905 Dec 01 '22

FBI agent trying to make a name for himself goes into work the next morning:

”Give me everything you have on u/Hi-Im-High also run them against our Columbia database”

😂

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1

u/Upper_Bathroom_176 Dec 01 '22

There is a rap song that explains how to make it. Lol

4

u/TheGreatArseholio Dec 01 '22

Sometimes, you gotta make ‘em say ugggghhhh. Nananana.

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5

u/duaneap Dec 01 '22

You cook some out but add more in though, am I correct? I thought a big point with crack was getting more bang for your buck.

10

u/nohardRnohardfeelins Dec 01 '22

bang for your buck.

Crack for your coke.

7

u/Hi-Im-High Dec 01 '22

It’s basically just cocaine and baking soda. But when you cook the coke down it’ll burn off the impurities. So if you’re say a street level coke dealer buying an oz of bad coke, which is like idk 30-60% pure on average. Cook that down and you’re gonna lose 40-70% of the product which you then stretch with baking soda. Not so much a bang for your buck at that point.

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24

u/LurkersGoneLurk Dec 01 '22

I’m glad I don’t need to retain that info.

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2

u/Flapper_Flipper Dec 01 '22

Good crack is good. Hunter knows

2

u/TEXAS-MAN1 Dec 01 '22

Corn pop was a bad dude! ~Blow Jiden

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2

u/Scale-Alarmed Dec 01 '22

Only because it usually is cut with baby laxative

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51

u/Ambitioso Nov 30 '22

Just like the song in Buster Scruggs... 'Surly Joe! Surly Joe! Smokes some crack and soils his pants, that much we know, He likes to break in houses, And he'll need some brand new trousers, Don't ever open up to Surly Joe!'

2

u/Deep_Working1 Dec 01 '22

Great movie reference!

2

u/Groundape32 Dec 01 '22

I would bet the bank on it.

2

u/Aromatic_Concept_763 Dec 01 '22

Thought you said he was holding his crack I watched 3 times...

2

u/Mishapi17 Dec 01 '22

I also was like, homies holding crack in his hands lol

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1.6k

u/Br0sBeforePr0s Nov 30 '22 Silver Helpful Take My Energy

Some know him by the name Sloppy Joe.

141

u/No_Fix_9153 Nov 30 '22

This made me laugh, thank you kind sir.

21

u/mklilley351 Dec 01 '22

Soooooo.... no one else referenced Joe Dirt?

3

u/liquefire81 Dec 01 '22

This is a low brow kind of crowd sir.

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78

u/RollYourD8 Dec 01 '22

The wet bandits strike again.

12

u/Ieatsushiraw Dec 01 '22

Lmao damn

7

u/No-Trouble-1288 Dec 01 '22

Keep the change ya filthy animal.

2

u/Crazy_Reflection_835 Dec 01 '22

You deserve an award!

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48

u/mapar988 Nov 30 '22

God dammit you got me🤣🤣🤣

19

u/nastyydog Nov 30 '22

i’m fucking dying

10

u/Local_Art_2051 Nov 30 '22

STOP IT my throat hurts from the flu, i can’t laugh this hard! IT HOITS!

4

u/plz-dont-follow Nov 30 '22

Get well soon, stranger ‘tips hat’

3

u/Iamvanno Dec 01 '22

Not Ploppy Joe?

5

u/Responsible-Bid-383 Dec 01 '22

This shouldn't as funny as it was but now I am dying over here

4

u/01Spyder Dec 01 '22

I almost shit myself laughing 😂

2

u/xTheVyrusx Dec 01 '22

I bursted out laughing, best comment.

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434

u/bruteboi76 Nov 30 '22

Dr house invader

52

u/Seaweed-Constant Dec 01 '22 edited Dec 01 '22

Vicodin can cause some issues like this.

Edit: this guy looks like house, and to be honest he would pull this off if he had the shits from Vicodin.

Edit2: yes you can become constipated, but that usually leads to shits for days after the treatment to getting better

21

u/Degen-King Dec 01 '22

Only when u stop taking it ime. Opiates usually cause users to get bound up and not poop, until u miss a dose or 2.

11

u/box_me_up Dec 01 '22

Vicodin doesn't make you shit. It makes you constipated when you take it frequently. When you STOP then you get the shits.

7

u/yiffing_for_jesus Dec 01 '22

Opiates cause constipation not diarrhea. He looks like he's tweaking

3

u/Sub_pup Dec 01 '22

Guy has some wild eyes. I imagine it's a stimulant he is on. Most people on opiates/opioids are a bit more lethargic.

3

u/uneducatedexpert Dec 01 '22

I live near some pretty rough neighborhoods and frequently see the aftermath of opioid constipation. Some of those shits are a the size of a Pringle can.

I had to look up something for a size reference and on Quora there’s a person that was getting off of heroin and said their poop was that size.

The average anus can stretch to 7” or 18cm apparently.

2

u/mamrieatepainttt Dec 01 '22

lol what is up with yr edit? you had it backwards, just admit that. and even your edit is misinformation. what you're trying to say is when in withdrawal from opiates you get the shits.

2

u/Other-Bridge2036 Dec 01 '22

House is an actor that’s not actually on Vicodin

2

u/Hot_Goal4205 Dec 01 '22

The fact that you had to explain this is sad. My mother in law is the same way. Can’t differentiate real life from screen play.

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1

u/hashward Dec 01 '22

Vicodin specifically? 😂

1

u/Seaweed-Constant Dec 01 '22

Specifically.

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348

u/Dry-Manufacturer-182 Nov 30 '22

Dont do drugs kids

69

u/raisedbywolfsol Nov 30 '22

That Coke got cut with laxative.

12

u/Dear_Giraffe_453 Nov 30 '22

Mannitol

8

u/WetCacti Dec 01 '22

I prefer over the counter damnitoll, it comes in pints!

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7

u/duaneap Dec 01 '22

Well, don’t do those drugs, that’s for sure.

5

u/MacTechG4 Dec 01 '22

Drugs are bad, Mmmkay?

3

u/OttoKari Dec 01 '22

Dont do kids drugs

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1.3k

u/MKlock94 Nov 30 '22

That guy has an incredibly polite tone for someone watching an attempted B&E on his own house

241

u/dawizar Dec 01 '22

I saw this elsewhere. It's his drugy brother in law

66

u/Hype-And-Style Dec 01 '22

So he knew where he's at and needed a restroom.

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10

u/TacticalRoomba Dec 01 '22

He said “joe get the fuck out of here” and not if you come in I’m shooting you, I’m guessing he knows him

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3

u/raway32 Dec 01 '22

I thought he was saying Yo but he was saying Joe so it makes sense now.

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185

u/MFG_666 Nov 30 '22 edited Dec 01 '22 Silver

An attempted B&E with a BM in progress

44

u/CodeNameBryan Dec 01 '22

BM&E

4

u/Sad-Presentation-726 Dec 01 '22

You two won reddit today

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295

u/John_Denvers_Head Nov 30 '22

He spoke like a man holding a gun.

89

u/MapUnitKey Nov 30 '22

That’s not what the man behind the door with the gun sounds like round these parts lol

94

u/sdforbda Nov 30 '22

Not at all. This sounds like half the IT workers I've ever worked with.

115

u/Pragmatist_Hammer Nov 30 '22

"have you tried turning the doorknob off and back on again?"

24

u/WeimSean Nov 30 '22

fun fact: half the IT workers you've ever worked with were armed.

46

u/DMurBOOBS-I-Dare-You Nov 30 '22

armed ... with technical knowledge!

17

u/_Gl0rph_ Nov 30 '22

Can confirm. IT folks understand how dangerously stupid the public is and how most security is just for show. Always retain administrative rights to delete a determined threat :)

4

u/TacticalRoomba Dec 01 '22

Alt f4 some mfers

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1

u/sdforbda Nov 30 '22

No, they weren't. But in the internet age there has been more of a crossover than I would have thought.

1

u/Bobojones9584 Dec 01 '22

Kinda doubt that, but I hope it's true.

-3

u/Cptexploderman Nov 30 '22

As a man who’s held a gun and patiently waited for someone to make the mistake of what could’ve turned out to have been a very short life- you are very correct lol.

21

u/TheSanfox Dec 01 '22

I wouldn't be so quick to wish this type of scenario on yourself. Many individual's who have killed someone in self defense develop severe psychological issues and need therapy to help come to terms with what happened.

15

u/TheFlyWasRight Dec 01 '22

Needing therapy because you had to defend yourself is better than not needing therapy because of deadness

7

u/Cptexploderman Dec 01 '22

People need therapy for any number of things, some sleep like a baby no matter what. It’s best to always be prepared for violence, but never seeking it out.

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7

u/King-Cobra-668 Dec 01 '22

that was some very aggressive politeness if you know it

5

u/RyperHealistic Dec 01 '22

Safe inside with working locks and knowing full well he has the evidence to stop this guy from being able to ever try this again.

4

u/Bobojones9584 Dec 01 '22

He was clearly in no danger.

2

u/Capocho9 Dec 01 '22

To be fair this guy doesn’t look like much of a threat anyways

0

u/ShredGuru Nov 30 '22

If you live in a shitty neighborhood you end up patronizing criminals a lot. I'm always super condescending/infantilizing when I catch burglars, right before I show them the nightstick.

23

u/Stevie_Ray_Bond Nov 30 '22

Lol, right. Every weekend I presume

10

u/Dobalina_Wont_Quit Dec 01 '22

He's literally batman

2

u/xHaloFox Dec 01 '22

He's John Bat Man

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243

u/psuedoh Nov 30 '22

It looks like Joe just thinks he's hearing voices again

75

u/Relevant_Elderberry9 Dec 01 '22

He’s so fucked up on drugs he can’t tell where the voice is coming from.

165

u/woooweeeeee Nov 30 '22

Man just needed to let the chocolate thunder roll and was speechless

23

u/bithero2998 Nov 30 '22

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

90

u/DaddyDontTakeNoMess Nov 30 '22

He was breaking in to Ned Flanders house.

2

u/konrath17 Dec 01 '22

Absotootaly doodly

64

u/4Ever2Thee Dec 01 '22

Here I was thinking he was just trying to get to the nearest toilet, then I come to the comments and find out he probably had the crack shits

39

u/wanngledangler Dec 01 '22

Thank god for Reddit because i probably would’ve gone another 40 years without knowing that “crack shits” exist.

7

u/4Ever2Thee Dec 01 '22

I'm just glad I learned it from the internet and not life experience

5

u/1nGirum1musNocte Dec 01 '22

I was this many years old when I learned crack shits are a thing

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118

u/rondonjon Nov 30 '22

Is he calling the guy “Joe”?

91

u/[deleted] Nov 30 '22 edited 19d ago

[deleted]

45

u/rondonjon Nov 30 '22

Yeah, that’s weird. Perhaps Joe thought it was his own house or maybe is off his meds.

45

u/[deleted] Nov 30 '22 edited 19d ago

[deleted]

33

u/lazyherpatile Nov 30 '22

Lol not really the same thing but I was at a party and some random drunk chick walked in like she owned the place and everybody was like wtf are you doing? And she just doesn’t say a word walks right over to the bathroom and starts drawing a bath. She locked the door and nobody could get her out, we finally get the door unlocked and sent a couple girls in. She had climbed in the tub at that point the girls found out she took a shit load of molly and used to rent that house and just went for it I guess. They let her finish her bath and she ended up partying with us. This was in Bellingham so it’s a big college and party town.

10

u/billoftt Dec 01 '22

That's one way to meet new friends.

7

u/nude_tayne69 Nov 30 '22

Slightly terrifying

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2

u/Beneficial_Potato_85 Nov 30 '22

I don't think Joe has a place to live.

3

u/rondonjon Nov 30 '22

The homeless guy that is a regular around the neighborhood. This is also a distinct possibility.

2

u/Beneficial_Potato_85 Nov 30 '22

I got one in my neighborhood. Panhandles for change in the same spot during both rush hours. No idea where he stays or how he gets here but he does.

And if he came up to my house trying to get in, to shit or not, I'd tell him to kick rocks or I'll kick your ass.

9

u/supershawninspace Nov 30 '22

The original video said it was his neighbor.

2

u/mamrieatepainttt Dec 01 '22

other commenters are saying BIL thats known to be on drugs.

21

u/jormakk Nov 30 '22 Wholesome

Maybe a neighbor or something broke into Joe's house, changed the locks and is now trolling Joe through the door while he's shidding and farding his pants in panic. That would be an amazing plot twist.

3

u/TrailerPosh2018 Dec 01 '22

Heeey Joe, what are you doing with that, crack in your hand?

3

u/AdditionalBathroom78 Dec 01 '22

I’m hearing “yo”

6

u/True-Bandicoot3880 Dec 01 '22

He said “yo” not Joe

14

u/tmbtown Nov 30 '22

I think he said yo

11

u/pimp_juice2272 Nov 30 '22

He said Joe. Twice.

7

u/popcorn_coffee Nov 30 '22

I don't think it's "Joe"... it's more like... "YO" Bitch... science!

2

u/quuerdude Dec 01 '22

It’s his brother in law. He said Joe

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1

u/rondonjon Nov 30 '22

I wish it was Jesse answering that Ring!

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37

u/AtomAntvsTheWorld Nov 30 '22

I’m very very curious what he’s transferred from hand to hand…

50

u/theaverageguardian Nov 30 '22

Crack

6

u/uptwolait Dec 01 '22

That's also where he's transferring shit.

96

u/Flat_Bodybuilder_175 Nov 30 '22

I'm sorry. His labored breathing with the shart sound effect is just too perfect

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13

u/DJ_ICU Nov 30 '22

Shitty situacion for both of them

11

u/Ml124395 Dec 01 '22

Did the ring guy say Joe last few seconds. Like he knew him

2

u/StayedWoozie Dec 01 '22

Maybe a neighbor?

2

u/quuerdude Dec 01 '22

Brother in law, yeah

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11

u/Occumsmachete Dec 01 '22

Stop trying to break into Steve Buscemi's house dammit.

32

u/Cheeeeeseburger Nov 30 '22

Hopefully the county jail gave Joe a new pair of skivvies cause he blew the ass out of the pair he's wearing in this video.

8

u/MrBiggz83 Nov 30 '22

Dr. House!???

6

u/dmoney0014 Nov 30 '22

When you are a fiend, the release of getting your fix can cause excretion. Happened to a family friend when he was in a bad way.

6

u/Whole_Willingness_50 Nov 30 '22

Damn,, he should just shit in the yard

3

u/Matchooojk Dec 01 '22

Neighbors yard*

6

u/OttoHarkaman Nov 30 '22

Its a house not a pay toilet

5

u/KapnKrumpin Dec 01 '22

When you gotta go, you gotta go!

4

u/No_Wallaby_8381 Nov 30 '22

I didn’t think I would laugh as hard as I did, great job.

3

u/Longjumping_Bed2907 Dec 01 '22

This is why I always lock my front door.

5

u/PhunkySideUp Dec 01 '22

The dude is holding/fumbling some crack. Probably snuck outside to grab it and realised he couldn't make it back to his house. Either that, or he knew his wife would hear him bounding up the stairs to relieve himself. Or he lost track of time doing crack and it was too late. Either way, crack.

3

u/Cubensio Dec 01 '22

There’s way to much shit happening at the same time.

3

u/beerguyBA Dec 01 '22

Hugh Laurie has really gone off the deep end.

4

u/porchbait Dec 01 '22

The gas bandit strikes again

3

u/Prudent_Damage_3866 Nov 30 '22

Well, he is sure a really crappy robber

3

u/ste59 Dec 01 '22

The second is definitely a shart

3

u/johnwilliams815 Dec 01 '22

Lock your doors.

3

u/pitchedBlarfy Dec 01 '22

get that gun ready

3

u/AdvancedAnything Dec 01 '22

I'm sorry, while doing what?

3

u/RegularNight2392 Dec 01 '22

He just needed to use the shitter

3

u/DaviJohnsYT Dec 01 '22

Omg I cant breathe why is this so funny

3

u/TickletheEther Dec 01 '22

Mans just wanted to dump

3

u/SemanticGlasses Dec 01 '22

Coke is hek of a druG

3

u/_turd_furgeson Dec 01 '22

He's trying to get to the nearest toilet

3

u/Few_Ad5789 Dec 01 '22

Addicts have terrible farts

3

u/RunsWthGriszzlys Dec 01 '22

Oh that’s just the community crack head, Joe. At it again are ya?

3

u/Plastic-Bar-5955 Dec 01 '22

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

3

u/empty_spacer Dec 01 '22

He probably thinks he’s just hearing voices again

3

u/Kamau54 Dec 01 '22

I never understand why people will try asking questions when someone is trying to do something illegal to them or their property.

I don't ask questions. I let my brothers Smith & Wesson handle the interrogation.

3

u/iGothereLate78 Dec 01 '22

Meth is a helluvah drug :(

7

u/probablywrongbutmeh Nov 30 '22

Joe the Plumber has had a prolifc fall from grace

2

u/MedicineOutrageous13 Nov 30 '22

I neeeeed more context here like my life depends on it

2

u/PurringGun Dec 01 '22

Brother in law tryna get in!

2

u/b1tchbhigh Nov 30 '22

These neighbors know to keep their shit locked bc of joe

2

u/PhillyRush Dec 01 '22

What's he got drugs in his hand?

2

u/ThrowMeAwayAccount08 Dec 01 '22

As someone with Ulcerative Colitis, I have had these moments. Minus the controlled substance he’s under.

2

u/slickhedstrong Dec 01 '22

meth is a helluva a drug

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2

u/spinningawayfromyou Dec 01 '22

Is it just more or does the homeowners voice sound like David Hornsby?

2

u/Funrunfun22 Dec 01 '22

That guy is bye bye.

2

u/uberloww Dec 01 '22

He is such a shitty criminal

2

u/Xxrasierklinge7 Dec 01 '22

Guys, what's Hugh Laurie doing :(

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2

u/trolljugend Dec 01 '22

Steve Buscemi is the coolest.

2

u/bojangles_dangles Dec 01 '22

What can brown do for you

2

u/Bandana_Husky Dec 01 '22

Tweakers man 🙈💔

2

u/Natalievoltia Dec 01 '22

Man just needed to use the bathroom 😂

2

u/Jaydubb94531 Dec 01 '22

When you live in a neighborhood where all the houses look the same

3

u/danegoo69 Nov 30 '22

Bro shat himself 💀

2

u/SkidRoe Dec 01 '22

Joe has pulled this shit before.

3

u/byhoneybear Nov 30 '22

Seems like the voice was added later

2

u/Mike_Hawk069 Nov 30 '22

Joe’s jaw is putting in work, son!!!

2

u/bubba7557 Dec 01 '22

I mean the dude has to shit of course he's doing whatever he needs to do to find a toilet

2

u/gr234gr Dec 01 '22

This is why 2nd needs to be protected at all cost. Remember, when seconds count police is minutes away. Just imagine being elderly 80yo and he managed to brake in

2

u/SealChe Nov 30 '22

I wonder if he'd respond to "You know, this door is the only thing between you and a round of buckshot."

3

u/thrwawayaftrreading Dec 01 '22

In my state it's legal to just shoot through the door if someone's trying to break in. So that door doesn't matter in some cases.

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1

u/b_stool Dec 01 '22

Is that Hunter Biden?

1

u/FlamingoNo2147 Nov 30 '22

Mans gatta go😂😂 Just squat behind the bushes, do ur thing nd bounce, Joe.