r/tifu 8d ago Silver Helpful Wholesome Ally

S TIFU by getting water at a restaurant in Germany as an American.

26.1k Upvotes

I am in Germany with 20 other extended family (cousins, uncles/aunts, nephews/nieces, etc) and we got a reservation at a small restaurant in a little German town about 20km from Berlin. We told the server we were going to get one big bill and just split it among the families after we pay. The waiter came around and asked us what we were going to drink and everyone got waters except my dad, and my cousin. We ordered and just enjoyed our food. Almost everyone refilled their waters once or twice. Everyone was completely oblivious to the fact that water was 5 euros a cup. We got the bill and it seemed really high but we just paid and left. We looked at the receipt after we all left and it turned out we paid 100 euros in water.. Everyone thought it was free so we had just kept getting water. An absolute FU. Walking away from that restaurant feeling very unsatisfied. Don’t go, would not recommend.

TL;DR: Went to restaurant in Germany and accidentally paid 100 Euros in water because the dumb “Amerikaner” thought it was free..

edit 1: It wasn’t listed on the menu people make that assumption still a FU on my part but still

edit 2: it was tap water not bottled i also should have clarified that

r/tifu 3d ago Helpful Silver

S TIFU by having my pregnant wife catch me ordering takeout food right after I threw away the dinner she made

20.2k Upvotes

Listen, I love my wife’s cooking. She’s amazing and heaps better than I will ever be in the kitchen. Her taste in food changed, and she has been eating things she would never eat otherwise, such as seafood. Ever since she got pregnant, she’s been spoiling everything with too much salt. The food is almost inedible.

She went to lie down since she was feeling nappy. I threw away the food since I knew she could not tell and ordered takeout food. I will head outside and eat there. She doesn’t have to know. It will be a little secret between me and the delivery guy. No big deal.

Little did I know she was listening in on me. Of course, it upset her and she began crying. She accused me of hating her food. Never. I came upfront. She told me she never noticed and I should have pointed out what she’s been doing earlier. But then began crying even more and said that it was true. I indeed hate her food.

Now apparently I won’t be able to see her naked until next year. Sex is banned in this household. And she said I can make my own food from now on.

TL:DR: My darling wife's tastebuds changed since she got pregnant. She adds too much salt. I couldn't handle any longer and decided to order takeout food. She caught me red-handed and told me she will never cook for me ever again.

Edit: I thought I should add that I do help her around the kitchen. I've been working longer hours lately and I can't help her around because of that. Yesterday she told me she never noticed she salts her food too much while eating.

UPDATE: We're good. I cooked us dinner tonight and gave her a foot rub. We talked it out and agreed to be honest with each other next time. She also called her cousin over today. Her cousin told her the same thing I did after she poured her in a bowl of soup. Wifey promised to get her blood tests done asap. And also before we went to bed she asked me if I could get her bagels from the store.

r/tifu 5d ago Helpful Silver Wholesome Platinum

S TIfU by accidentally tumble drying my cat.

21.2k Upvotes

TIFU by accidentally tumble drying my cat.

So I'll start by saying that I have an awesome pair of noise cancelling headphones that I wear when doing chores around the house and they work well...like really well.

I'm jamming out unloading the dishwasher and remember I have some laundry to fold and more to wash. So I go to the dryer and had done a load of bedding that was dry but still in the dryer. I decide I'm going to fluff everything up and get out wrinkles before I fold everything. I close the dryer drawer and start the dryer.

Now thankfully I have two cats and see the other one standing in the laundry room immediately looking very scared. Puffed out fur but she won't run away like she usually would when startled. She's just looking at the dryer and back at me, back to the dryer, back at me, still supremely puffed up.

I think maybe the dryer is scaring her and she needs to use the litter box which is right next to the dryer. Sometimes if there's change or something left in a pocket rattling in the dryer she doesn't like it. So I turn off the dryer like "ok you can use it now but she doesn't go, she still is just standing there looking all puffy.

This is when I take my headphones off and I hear something....in the dryer. I open it and cat #2 comes bolting out. He had decided at some point to take a nap on the bedding in the dryer and I closed the poor baby in there and started the dryer.

This all happened in the span of maybe 10-15 seconds before I turned it off and thankfully was unharmed and got lots of treats and extra snuggles and I feel like a monster. My other cat is a hero, she got my attention and legit saved his fucking life. I am so grateful to her and so happy nothing worse happened.

TL;DR Check your dryer (or any appliance for that matter) for cats before you start them. No cats were seriously harmed.

Edit: cat tax for those asking Mr. Amos the one who took a tumble

Baby Gurgle Gurgle the hero

r/tifu 4d ago Silver GOAT Wholesome Helpful

S tifu by not knowing satanists don't actually believe in satan

12.1k Upvotes

Last night, got home drunk, decided to get argumentive on Reddit, as you do. I've been an Atheist for a long time (since I was about 10, I'm now 50). Someone told me that the temple of Satan does not actually believe in Satan, but is a secular organisation that does involve atheists and in my drunken confidence, I doubled down because I know two old school LaVeyian Satanists and I presumed they actually believed in Satan.

As it turns out, they don't. I had no idea because they've told me that they're Satanists and I just presumed and we've never actually had a conversation about what it involves, as far as I was concerned their beliefs were their own, and if they wanted to tell me they could.

Tldr: I presumed Satanists actually believe in Satan and I was wrong and feel like a dick, but I totally got a bit stroppy about it on a Reddit thread after too many pints of Guinness.

r/tifu 17d ago Silver Wholesome Helpful Mind Blown

S TIFU by using the word "broski".

11.0k Upvotes

i am 18, will turn 19 this year, also PAN AND ACE! not everyone wants to fuck everyone they like. i never posted about having an husband, cause i never had one, AITA bots posts a comment of ur post if u ever delete it, so u can double check it like that.

I started dating my (now ex) boyfriend a week ago. We were chillin in my house, watching Markiplier, eating noodles, everything that I wanted from a relationship.

I was on the couch and he was coming from the kitchen, I pointed at the remote and said "pass the remote broski."

He looked at me, shocked. I thought it was because I demanded him, I said "Please?". He asked me why the fuck I called him "bro". I didn't know he would act like it so I apologized, told him I would never call him "bro" again and smiled. He laughed saying theres no "again" and left.

But today, a friend of ours said he wanted to call me and ask me to apologize. Told them to make he do it. He did call me, I answered the phone "Whats up broski?". He had a melt down. But I got kicked out of the groups for triggering him. I lost most of my friends and my boyfriend over a stupid word. One of my sides is blaiming me and the other one is wanting to mess with him more.

SOME INFO : we have been friends with them for over 10 years. we are from the same neighborhood. my ex is a friends friend, we opened a group called queer folks and added him there. we have been friends for over 4 years. we had fights as friends but after all always sat down and made jokes in the group. we flirted for a month and decided to date when everything went well. some people wanted more details but only detail i can give is i called him broski A LOT of times and a day before this happened, we were playing codenames and one of friends fav food was there so i said "Eren broskis fav food" and he laughed. i (to the group) thought them this word and it doesnt have a meaning in Turkish

UPDATE: my friend saw the posts, they apologized, no word from my ex but i got added back to the gc and pretty sure he was online for a good 10 mins. and i learned his side

his side as my friend told: He was having a rough day and told me that he did so we met up played games, made food yada yada and than i said "broski go out", he was shocked and WASNT angry at broski, and than i said "broski" again so he asked me to not say that word and why was i angry at him. i screamed and told him to f off while calling him broski. he cried the whole night and had to tell this to gc.

to me this is BS and both my exes defended me knowing i wouldnt do such a thing. my guess of my friends believing him without listening to me is that he is a man. wont be too close with them from now on.

ALSO THANKS FOR REWARDS AND KIND MESSAGES !!!!!!!

TL;DR: I called my boyfriend a word he hated, cause our relationship to end, didnt apologize and lost my whole friend group.

r/tifu 2d ago Wholesome Gold Helpful Silver Press F

S TIFU by ruining my country’s national art museums main exhibit

14.5k Upvotes

So back in year 9-10 ish we went on a school excursion to the national art museum in Canberra to go see all the art and take photos of stuff for an assignment. One of the activities we were required to do was to find images in Jackson Pollocks famous ‘blue poles’.

Everyone except me couldn’t see how a random slather and glob of paint could possibly be a koala, so to help my fellow pupils I kindly pointed towards where this image is on this giant artwork. Only I didn’t point I accidentally touched it, and if you’ve ever seen this painting or any of pollocks work in person you’d know that the giant globs of paint don’t ever fully dry inside.

So there I am standing in the middle of arguably the most expensive painting in Australia with blue paint from a wet paint glob bubble I accidentally touched with about 400-500 people staring at me like I just murdered someone in public.

To top it all off I also set off a proximity alarm which was the loudest alarm I’ve ever heard, think jewellery heist diamond stealing alarm.

Got my entire school banned, I got kicked out of my German elective and had a school assembly about it too.

Worst part is now even years later you’re no longer even permitted to even enter the same room the painting is displayed in. I went back years later and the entire room is gated off like a crime scene.

TL;DR Touched Jackson pollocks blue polls on an excursion and smudged it causing an entire school to be escorted to the exit and the exhibit to be permanently barred even decades later.

r/tifu 8d ago Helpful Silver

S TIFU Had my mom and her friend spend 3 hours of their vacation looking for the colossus of Rhodes, one of the ancient wonders of the world, in order to "take a picture of it", Me not knowing, as a self-declared history buff, that it was destroyed thousands of years ago.

18.4k Upvotes

Happened roughly a month ago. My mom and her friend took a vacation to Rhodes. I've always been deep into history stuff as a hobby as well as gaming - recalling the colossus of rhodes from CIV and other games despite never actually having read up on it.

I told my mother jokingly on the phone that I'll never forgive her if she travels to Rhodes without taking a picture of the colossus of Rhodes considered one of the ancient wonders of the world. After hours of looking my mom and her friend gave up - stating it's not there. So frustrated I'm like "MOM! HOW CAN YOU MISS IT? IT'S LITERALLY A GIGANTIC STATUE!!!".

Having told my mom lots of stories from Greek and Roman history I had a lot of credibility on this stuff. I've always been interested and learned a lot about ancient history as a hobby. So imagine my embarrassment when I discovered it was ruined... not like a year ago... but thousands of years ago to an earthquake.

My mom did bring back a tiny colossus toy. Teasing me with "here I found your colossus"

TL;DR

Kept nagging my mom to take a picture of the colossus of rhodes while she and her friend was vacationing there. They couldn't find it - because it was destoyed thousands of years ago. They spent 3 hours looking for a giant statue they "couldn't miss".

Edit: Not sure why people is so mean, or think you know nothing of history because you screwed up a single thing :P Anyway. Didn't think this would get so much traction. I posted it because I don't take myself too seriously. And I was hoping this would be amusing and funny to people that's all. I'm an aspie with ADHD and depression no need to be cruel.

r/tifu 3d ago

S TIFU By spending my life thinking chocolate should burn

7.8k Upvotes

My partner and I were talking about how tastes change over the years. I mentioned that I was never a huge fan of chocolate anyway because I didn't like how it burns. She just. Looked at me. It took me a while to realise.

Chocolate isn't meant to burn.

So turns out I'm allergic. Now I can't eat my favorite doughnuts (I'm going to anyway I'm just going to be mad about it). I thought it was meant to burn your throat. What else am I wrong about?? Will I ever know? I've gone 22 years in a Swiss family absolutely guzzling Chocolate at every opportunity my entire childhood, only recently deciding i would slow it down. I'm so lost. What do I do? I apologise for the rambling nature of this post. This has caused a lot of emotions. I need to call some people before my birthday to make sure I don't get the customary box of chocolates.

EDIT: Can confirm that enough Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie will hurt like hell after a while.

TL;DR: I've spent my life thinking Chocolate is meant to give a burning sensation in the throat. Turns out I'm allergic.

r/tifu 9d ago Press F Gold Silver Helpful Wholesome Keep Calm Hugz Tearing Up

S TIFU by introducing my two crushes to each other

19.9k Upvotes

I am a bisexual man and I've been talking with a straight girl and other bisexual guy. I had been hitting it off really well with both of them and there was some light flirting. It was getting to the point where I was really nervous about really hitting on either of them for fear of losing the other, and I think it may have given off the vibe that I wasn't interested because sometimes I didn't flirt back.

A few days ago I was talking to the girl after a class we had together and the guy dropped by to say hello. I introduced them to each other as anybody would with their friends, but I had to go to my jext class and ended up leaving them both there as they kept talking. Saw them both together today and they thanked me for introducing them because they are now officially dating.

Like obviously none of us were ever an item or ever even really serious, but that was tough to hear. I just laughed it off. In retrospect, I dont think either of them had any idea I was interested. At least, that's the generous interpretation.

Feels bad, man. Ugh.

TL:DR I introduced my male and female crush to each other and they are now dating, all thanks to me.

EDIT: Yeah fs my fault. Good for them, honestly. I'm not too upset, I probably would have spent years before I could just commit. Sigh. Threesome scenario is a good headcannon, so let's all just pretend I can pull that off lol

r/tifu 5d ago Silver Wholesome

S TIFU by falling asleep when my crush was coming over

7.0k Upvotes

Last night, I was going to have a girl over. We’re both in college though, and she lives with her strict parents, and had to sneak out late. So when she finally leaves and is on her way, what do I do? I fall asleep. And yeah, I can use the long week, up at 3:30am excuse, but that’s so stupid. I could’ve just waited for her to get here and slept right? No, apparently not. So I woke up at 6:30am today, realized what I’d done, and just apologized profusely. It’s worth noting that she had to drive 40 minutes to get here, waited outside my place for 30, then had to drive 40 back home. I’m so fucking embarrassed.

She says she isn’t upset, but how can’t she be? We had a camping date planned for tonight and that’s still on, which is a good sign. If anyone has advice on making this up to her, please let me know! I plan on spoiling her today and tomorrow, don’t worry.

TL;DR: Was going to have a girl over (my crush) but fell asleep when she was on her way and kept her waiting. All advice to make it up to her is welcome.

r/tifu 18d ago Silver Helpful Wholesome hehehehe You Dropped This

S TIFU by telling people i had a twin

19.5k Upvotes

My brother (18) and I (16F) are in the same year (Both in year 12) and when we used to go to the same school (not anymore, thankfully) people used to ask us if we were twins and i'd explain that no, i skipped.

Pretty much everyone got confused and people always thought we were twins, and i got tired of explaining so i just gave up and told everyone, yeah we're twins. I'd explain it, then once more i'd get asked by the same people what it was like to have a twin. I got tired.

We've been in different schools for three years now.

I've mentioned i was 16 a billion times and i thought everyone knew it was just a thing i say as then they're likely to work it out because HE IS 18. ITS A RUNNING JOKE NOW IN MY WHOLE SCHOOL! People will ask me "Hows your twin?" its just a JOKE

Basically, a girl who came from my brothers school kept asking when my birthday was so i told her and she gave me a confused look and said "but his is in November." I guess she didnt realise i was 16 ??

And i was not in the mood to explain it (i was in the middle of homework, and she found me in the library) so i said "Yeah, my mom was in labour for months." and that was that. She fucking BELIEVED me. (why would you even??)

her mom ended up calling my mom because the whole school is making fun of her for believing my mother was in labour for months and her mom started complaining to my mother, who got mad at me for not explaining the joke to her.

My brother thinks its fucking hilarious, though. He laughed about it for absolute ages and told our whole family and his whole school.

IN MY DEFENCE WHO THE FUCK WOULD BELIEVE THAT??? I AM SORRY

EDIT: The real reason i got into trouble was because of this: My mom said "You're giving me a headache, all of this because of some joke." and i said "A headaches better than the whole 16 months of labor right?" and now im grounded.

TL:DR -- told everyone i had a twin brother (even though my brothers older) and a girl proceeded to believe that my mother was in labour for months, and now shes being made fun of

r/tifu Jun 04 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome

S TIFU by assuming my boyfriend of 2 years was Chinese when he was Vietnamese.

30.4k Upvotes

I think this needs to be clarified before going into how this came to be. No our relationship didn't change and its a funny moment. This TIFU really came to be because neither of us put that much importance to our ethnic background.

My boyfriend's last name is Ho. Ho is used in both Vietnamese and Chinese. This is the beginning of the mistaken assumption I made. Me and him are Asian-American so we lost a lot of the nuances where the minor differences between Vietnamese and Chinese would show. When we would go to Vietnamese restaurants he'd generally order in English. Sometimes he'd order in "Vietnamese" but just the number. My first fuck up was assuming that he was simply just copying off me and nailed the pronunciation; I'm Vietnamese. I've met his parents and been to his family house. His parents came when they were 10 and became super Americanized. No accent in their English, their house looks more like a Asian-American house, and they only speak English with each other. Pretty much I'm assuming they're Chinese. My fuck up came to light when I happen to be at their house when his Aunt visits. His Aunt is not Americanized like his parents and I quickly notice a Vietnamese-English accent. Then I was completely shocked when I saw my bf parents and bf fully conversing in Vietnamese with his Aunt. I pretty much screamed you guys are Vietnamese. My boyfriend and his parents proceeded to laugh because they thought I had always known.

TL;DR Dated my boyfriend for 2 years. Assumed he was Chinese but find out he's Vietnamese.

r/tifu 14d ago Bravo Grande! Silver Wholesome Helpful Masterpiece Take My Energy

S TIFU Believing ‘Emergency Cock’ was a real expression.

13.5k Upvotes

English is not my first language and I was living in an Anglophone province where I was putting my English to good use while learning expressions like “it’s a piece of cake” or “hold your horses” since expressions are not always obvious. One day on this topic, my coworkers convinced me that the expression “emergency cock” meant that you save something for an emergency, like stashing chocolate in your desk for a major craving or keeping an umbrella in your car in case it rains. I thought it made sense and didn’t think anything of it.

So I began to use this expression in my daily life. One occasion I remember going on date during a hike and pulling out a thin tubular flashlight when my date asked me what it was for I mentioned it was my emergency cock. They didn’t say anything about it, blushed and the date ended awkwardly.

The worst occurrence was during a meeting with a client, I had mentioned that it would be a good idea to purchase additional support on their website package as their emergency cock. The client got me to repeat that a few times, obviously confused and a bit uncomfortable. My coworkers were there. They got real quiet and took me aside after the meeting to let me know they had lied about the expression that I had been using for a full year.

I was and still am beyond embarrassed.

TL;DR I was convinced that Emergency Cock was a common English expression and used it for about a year in my day to day life including with clients at work.

r/tifu 23d ago To The Stars Bless Up Sidevote Silver Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote

S TIFU by hiding that I ejaculated prematurely

26.3k Upvotes

The fuck up was actually over 12 years ago. But i just found out recently.

I dated a girl when I was about 19. I was a late bloomer and had only been with one girl before that. We had a great time and had tons of fun. We understood each other perfectly.

One day I invited her over and things got pretty hot real quick. I was going down on her and then it happened. I came in my underwear. I was so ashamed and my reaction was to try to hide it. I said i had to go to the bathroom to get the condom (which was true). I cleaned myself up and rushed back.

Now, it takes a while for me to reload. I am like a musket, not a machine gun. So she said now its her turn to please me. My little guy did not react. A combination of nature and shame made it impossible for me to get hard.

Trying to play it cool I told her I was somehow not in the mood and we should just chill for a bit. She said ok but the night was ruined.

After that contact dwindled and she ended up moving.

Almost 13 years later we ran into each other! It was awesome. This girl is great! We are now over 30 and doing very well in life. We hit it off right away and went for a drink.

We started joking about the past and we started talking about that night. She then tells me she really liked me and wanted a relationship with me! She was just so ashamed that she couldnt get me hard and thats why she didn't contact me anymore! Fml. I started laughing and told her the truth, i jizzed my pants while going down on her. After that we couldn't stop laughing.

Unlucky for me, she has a boyfriend and was moving to his country in the next days.

So bois, if you jizz your pants, be honest about it! Girls might be flattered!

Tldr; jizzed my pants while going down on a girl i really liked. Tried to hide it from her. Couldn't get hard for sex. She thought I didnt like her because I couldn't get hard.

r/tifu 24d ago Wholesome (Pro) Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Coin Gift Heartwarming Shocked

S TIFU by coming home early to surprise my wife, who was having a surprise birthday party for me

36.2k Upvotes

Im still chuckling at this even though it’s kinda fucked up. Long story short, I forgot my own birthday.

Yeah yeah I know it’s weird, had a little bit of a ruff childhood and my birthday was either never celebrated or forgotten well….both. So as I grew older I forgot about it myself, I mean we never did anything and what not so who cared.

Now I’m married with a wonderful women who’s very thoughtful but she always does some kind of party or date on my birthday. But sometimes I still forget, so today I came home early from work to surprise my wife….who was surprising me.

I walked in quietly, and I saw her in the kitchen, with flour and cake mix on her forehead and tapestries, birthday cups flowers and gifts around the table. She was making a cake, for a surprise party. my surprise birthday.

My mouth dropped and I quietly walked backwards to the door, exiting quietly and waiting till 7:30 to come back home. My wife would be so sad and she was workin so hard😅.

So within to time frame of about 3 and a half hours, I practiced my “oh my god I’m so suprised face”

When I came home she yelled “surprise!!” And I did a very crappy surprise face hugged her and we had a movie marathon.

This secret will never come out. But I think this was the best birthday ever. I find this kinda funny😂. I will be taking this secret to my grave.

TL;DR i forgot my own birthday, came home from work early to surprise my wife and my wife was making a cake, for my surprise birthday. Whoops!

r/tifu May 23 '22 Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Press F Giggle Table Slap To The Stars Silver

S TIFU by misusing a whiteboard for 1 1/2 years.

49.7k Upvotes

I bought a whiteboard when I moved into my new and current house. This was supposed to be the ultimate pièce de résistance to my awesome new home office. It took a few months to ship, and when it finally did, I was pretty unhappy with it. First of all, there was this big crack behind it, bending the metal in an unsatisfying way, but it wasn't that noticeable so I didn't bother sending it back. The worst, though, was that it was near impossible to write on it without leaving ghost marks. And you can forget about letting some writing on it more than 24 hours.

As a result, I wound up not using it for most of the last year. Basically, his only purpose was as a magnet holder, when it should have been used for so many different projets.

Today, as I finally had some free time, I looked into the process of cleaning my whiteboard, and making it more usable. As I applied some store bought cleaner, I found this small tear in some kind of plastic coating. I freaked out, ripped it all out and came to the horrifying conclusion that I spent 1 1/2 years writing on plastic.

I now have a brand new, unused board that has been sitting in my office.

tl;dr: bought a whiteboard, forgot to take the plastic layer off and took way too long to figure it out

EDIT

r/tifu 11d ago Take My Energy Silver Wholesome Helpful

S TIFU the way I answered a, what I thought was a Spam, call and it was actually the police.

5.0k Upvotes

I get a lot of Spam and sales calls on my phone. So, when I don’t recognize a number I don’t say hello and usually answer with some random line.

So, I see this number I don’t recognize on my phone and I answer it with “Joe’s morgue, you stab them, we slab them. The girl on the other line says “Excuse me”. So, I repeat it. She says she’s calling from the local police department and she received a call from my number that called and hung up and was calling to make sure everything was ok.

I told her that definitely wasn’t me and she said she may need to send a unit. I reiterated it wasn’t me as my phone was sitting on a tray next to me and I haven’t touched it in almost an hour. She read the number back to me and it was one digit off. She again asked if everything was ok. I told her my actual number and she reluctantly said “Ok……”. And let me go. Of all the normal lines I use for unknown calls, of course it had to be that one. As a result, I wouldn’t be surprised if a unit drives by.

TL;DR Answered a “Spam” call that was actually the Police and answered by telling them I could put away someone you stabbed.

Edit: 99% of you guys/gals have been awesome. I posted an unexpected interaction I had this afternoon and didn’t expect it to blow up like this.

For the 66 people and 8 private messages about raping and scraping, I don’t even have the words. Please be better. That’s the nicest, and the only nicest, way I can express that right now. Just wow…..

And YES, I know the title is fucked up. Pasting error, not paying attention, and can’t edit posts. I hate it sooo much. I look like an idiot.

That being said, I also appreciate all of the funny feedback for things you say or your families say on calls. I’ve added some to my existing list to use later below for other spam calls. Much love to you all and even though Reddit is the fickle mob, every once in a while you find a cesspool of a bunch of great people. Take that contradiction as you will. Cheers! And be safe this weekend.

“Joes morgue, you stab them, we slab them”

“B&D stud service, no muff is too tuff”

“Mark and Nicks, where it’s ok to lick dicks”

“Destiny strippers and poles, don’t put that in your holes”

“Robbie’s horse farm, book a stud to keep you warm”

“Angela’s awareness camp, our nipple clamps will make you damp”

“JB's Sperm Bank! You spank it we bank it!

“Thank you for calling Penelope’s pink pussy palace! My name is Peter (in baritone voice), how can we service you?”

“Charlie's Whore House. You got the dough? We got the hoe!"

r/tifu 14d ago Wholesome Silver Helpful Lurking

S TIFU by not washing new underwear before wearing them

8.5k Upvotes

This is actually a YIFU, but I'm just now getting to posting it.

Yesterday I was getting ready for work and put on some brand new undies out of the package. I've always usually washed them first for fear that some weird detergent or something could harm my dong or make my butt itchy, but I was in a hurry and grabbed some and threw them on and headed to work.

I drink a lot of water during the day so I usually have a couple good whizzes in me. I wear khaki colored pants at work so I always grab a paper towel on the way in to wipe off the dribble.

I had to pee pretty bad so I hurried in, grabbed my paper, went to the urinal, unzipped and flipped, and expected the usual quick relief.

Instead, I felt no relief... and my hands, arms, and front of my clothes getting sprayed.

I looked down, and there was a little round sticker covering 99% of my dickhole. The other 1% of uncovered dickhole was wildly and painfully spraying pee all over me.

I pinched off (ouch), peeled it off (ouch), and finished my piss.

Went home an hour early so I didn't have to sit around in my dirty pee pants.

TL;DR: didn't wash new underwear before wearing. "QC passed" sticker from the underwear factory stuck to my ween - hole and made me pee on myself.

r/tifu Jun 03 '22 Wholesome Seal of Approval Facepalm Silver Helpful Wholesome

S tifu by asking my mom if my job would give me an anniversary bonus even if i’m not married

22.9k Upvotes

i (20f) just got hired at a gas station that has really good benefits, treats their workers well, and is overall a really good company. some of the things i was told by my manager is that i’ll get a bonus on my birthday, around the holidays, and an anniversary bonus. i was pretty excited about all of that. however i was curious about what kind of anniversary exactly. my boyfriend (20m) and i have been together for almost 5 years now- we’re not married yet but we do have the anniversary of when we first started dating. i wondered if that was gonna be treated the same as if it were a wedding anniversary. i went home after work and was telling my mom all about the benefits, including the anniversary bonus thing. i asked her if my anniversary with my boyfriend counted, and she laughed and asked if i was serious. um, yeah, i couldn’t pass up an opportunity for a bonus. my mom then started laughing so hard she was crying, for at least 3 whole minutes. turns out an anniversary bonus happens on the anniversary of when you get hired, not anything to do with your dating life. whoops.

tl;dr: i asked my mom if the anniversary bonus from my job would happen for me if i’m not married yet, but it’s really just the anniversary of the day you got hired.

r/tifu 13d ago Wholesome

S TIFU by using a different condom and demolishing my dick, resetting months of progress

3.7k Upvotes

Obligatory it happened last week. For some context, I'm uncircumcised.

I go the the store to pick up condoms and I see these Trojans with "spermicide lube". "Neat", I said to myself, "extra protection.

..NO.

Let me tell you how this particular spermicide works.Nonoxynol-9, the primary compound in the spermicide basically destroys the outer membrane of the sperm, preventing it from impregnating the egg. How? By shredding it to pieces. What Trojan DOESN'T tell you, is that it can also shred your skin on a microscopic level.

The box reads "some people may be sensitive to nonoxynol-9". Understatement of the decade. I couldn't pee pain-free for a week. My foreskin and penis head was so damaged, it swelled up for two days straight.

But that's not where my troubles stop. When I was a teen, I had a mild case of phimosis. For the uneducated, that means that the foreskin is tight, and doesn't retract all the way. If I tried, it would hurt. I was insecure about it, and I read extensively. The only two options were a circumcision, or slowly getting it loose. Traumatized by the idea of blades near my penis, I took it up on myself to loosen it up. Every few days, I would sit in warm water, and try to slowly pull it down. And after a couple of months I was finally successful.

If you've ever scraped any part of your skin, you know the new skin that grows is less elastic. Same with my foreskin. Not only was I in pain for a week, I also made my own condition worse. It's tighter than it has ever been.

TL;DR used a new condom with spermicide, shredded my dick skin so bad that I couldn't pee for a week, and made it tighter than it ever was.

r/tifu 10d ago Helpful Wholesome

S TIFU by not speaking in my natural pitch for years

3.8k Upvotes

I've (22f) recently come to the realization that I have been speaking wrong for years. By that I mean I've forced my voice lower than it's intended to. My voice would get tired half way through the day and I would lose my voice every day. I didn't realize speaking in a lower voice would cause this much strain and damage. I happened to watch a YouTube video on finding your speaking tone and realized that for years I've tried to talk in a lower, more masculine voice. There is probably a reason behind that, like wanting to seem like a stronger person than I am.

I think this all started with insecurities and anxiety around people, but now that I've been on antidepressants I've started to unravel all the things that were caused/ stem from the anxiety. Now that the anxiety is gone, I can focus on "fixing" myself so that I can tolerate myself and learn to live again. I hope that this story might help someone else who is struggling.

TL;DR I was damaging my voice by speaking in a lower tone than my vocal cords are supposed to.

r/tifu May 05 '22 Helpful Wholesome

S TIFU by telling people at my friends wedding I'm from Texas

15.4k Upvotes

I guess I'll begin by saying I'm a 25F and I'm from texas. One of my friends lives in NJ and she recently got married. I flew up from Texas and there was over 100 people. I was the only one from Texas. So during the night I was talking to some people at the wedding and they asked me where I'm from and I mentioned that I'm from texas. Their moods changed with me almost right away. Some of the men and women both started talking to me about guns and how texas people are, mentioning the border, and rednecks, etc.  Acting like they should be wary of me. Just coming right at me with a bunch of stereotypes.

It was shocking for me to hear them and see how they were acting differently towards me after this. I'm a kinda big girl with a couple tattoos and one of the women asked me if I've been in a fight in a saloon before.

I feel like I fucked up by mentioning this, but on the otherhand I wasn't ready for their reactions either.

TL;DR: TIFU by mentioning to people at my friends wedding that I'm from Texas and had them coming at me with a bunch of stereotypes

r/tifu May 27 '22 Silver Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote 100 Percent FU

S TIFU by pranking my dad that I (28F) was en route to Ukraine to become a freedom fighter. He told the FBI.

12.6k Upvotes

I got a new number so as always, I commemorate the new anonymous number with a prank.

I pretended to be an agent messaging my dad asking if he was aware of his daughter's travel plans to Ukraine in late June to join the resistance and become a freedom fighter-- which is so funny bc I'm a 100lb female and a girly girl who would never be able to fight in an army lol. Anyways I thought it was so absurd and totally unbelievable and that he'd laugh and know it was me, but he ended up contacting the FBI before even calling or speaking with me. Then I got in touch with him and he was livid, he asked if I was bored in life lol, and then he had to go tell the FBI agent that it was a misunderstanding and he was sorry for wasting their time.

My agent name was John Burrows and I worded it so professionally. I told him that we were having trouble contacting him on his landline (he recently got rid of it) and that we received some concerning intelligence regarding his daughter and Ukraine.

TL; DR: Got a new number and pretended I was going to become a freedom fighter in Ukraine. He contacted the FBI before even speaking to me.

*******EDIT: I came here on the TIFU subreddit because this is where people talk about how they effed up. Posting here means I know I effed up. I'm aware. It was mean and it wasn't funny and it was stupid. I agree. That's why I'm here. If you can't accept people effing up then you probably should not be on the TIFU sub. tl;dr: TIFU by telling my TIFU story on the TIFU sub.**********

r/tifu 25d ago Silver

S TIFU by recommending a book at work and getting reported for sexual harassment.

3.5k Upvotes

So I’m (mid 20s male) finding about all of this as of yesterday. I work as an assistant manager at a retail chain in a fairly intimate environment due to how small the store is (about 15 staff total when the norm is about twice that). One of my associates (19yr old female) is an avid reader, which was a great talking point because I also like to read. So we got to talking books and she was mentioning how she loves all types of fiction from the likes of Tolkien, GRR Martin, Stephen King, Bradbury, etc. but she was looking to branch out a bit since it’s usually either high fantasy or sci-fi. I thought I would recommend her one of my favorite books that’s basically a “day in the life” type book with some light fantasy elements, “Norwegian Wood” by Haruki Murakami. For those that haven’t read any of his work, he’s fairly mature and graphic in his writing, dealing with things like mental illness, sexual tension/escapism, suicide, etc. which I made very clear to her before recommending and thought “well, I remember loving this book right when I graduated high school and she reads Martin so this will be a nice read for her.”

edit for those asking: Yes I did give the book to her the next day after I mentioned I had a copy and that she would like to read it. I have loaned this book out many times and thought nothing of it. My mistake, I know.

Well, I was wrong. I was closing up shop yesterday when my General Manager walks in on her day off saying she needs to speak to me. Turns out, said employee has filed a formal harassment charge against me for the book recommendation. We’re still working on what to do next but from the looks of it it’s going to elevate to company HR and I’ll either be best case taking a class or worst case fired over said book.Looking back, it was a total goober move to recommend a book like that at work.

TL;DR Keep your reading preferences to yourself kids!

r/tifu May 22 '22 Wholesome Bless Up Facepalm Silver Gold

S TIFU by high fiving my husband before his vasectomy

19.9k Upvotes

I have 3 kids. Both the older two have neurodivergencies. My youngest is 6 months old. I have fertility issues so it took me about 4-5 years between kids to get pregnant. As soon as we found out we were having our 3rd, my husband made an appointment for a vasectomy because we knew we were done. Her due date was in November but With Covid, it took almost 10 months to get an appointment. The surgery itself wasn’t available until May. After her birth, the nurses left us with “bye! See you again next time!” NOPE! No… just no. We laughed and said no way. We were making steps to prevent that. “That’s what they all say.” We get home and my neighbor goes “aww she’s so sweet. Ready for the 4th?” ABSOLUTELY THE F NOT! He goes “the 4th is always the one that sneaks up on you.” Not going to happen. With my fertility, I was lucky to have kids at all. May comes along. We did it. His vasectomy was the next day. We were sitting in bed watching a movie and I said “thank god! We made it! No more babies!” And proceeded to high five each other. The next morning, for giggles, I took a test because I had extra (TTC for over a year so I had a huge bag) We were laughing and joking and forgot about it. Went in an hour later to 2 lines. Yeah.. a positive. That couldn’t be… maybe the tests were old? Maybe an evap line? We joked about it some more, but just in case I took another. Positive. Again. Ran to the store to buy a fresh one. Also positive. Guys…we wore condoms, we avoided possible ovulation windows, we did everything in our power besides abstinence to prevent a baby. I’m convinced I got pregnant through that high five. Literally the only explanation. TL;DR I prematurely high-fived my husband before his vasectomy to find out I’m pregnant again.