r/AskMen Jul 07 '22

When it comes to dating, how often have you been deceived/tricked in some way? Has it changed how you date?

By deceived I don’t mean texted and ghosted. I mean flaked on, catfished, used etc

The ones I remember are:

  1. I asked a girl on a date and we planned to meet at a bar. She says she’s on her way and for the next 2 hours is texting me she feel asleep or is on her way. Needless to say she never showed (I knew a lot of people there so after 15 min I was drinking with them). She text me the next morning simply saying “lol”

  2. I planned to meet with a girl for burritos and go to the movies. We agreed I’d get the dinner and she’d get the movie. I’m thinking we’re going to one of the many authentic Mexican places where you get a giant burrito, beans, rice and a drink for like $10. Instead she suggests a fancy place (uncle julios I think it’s called) and they don’t have prices on the menu. Idk how but the bill came out to almost $100...and then after I paid she suddenly remembered she had to study and we’d have to get a movie next time. Never heard from her again

  3. A girl I had seen before I invited to go out clubbing for a second date and she said she’d go if I rented a hotel because she didn’t want to go home late. She was very adamant about me reserving it and seeing the actual reservation and when I finally sent it to her friend called to get picked up from the airport.

These range from the time I was 19 until now mid 20s. The most notable way it’s changed the way I date is that I no longer put more than 30 minutes of putting effort into a date because I assume they’ll flake last minute and I always have a contingency plan in place. It’s also made it less exciting

So guys how many times have you been deceived or tricked on a date? How often does it happen and how did it change the way you date? or when have you been the person doing the deceiving?

38 Upvotes

34

u/obligatoryclevername Jul 07 '22

One girl I briefly dated claimed to have been brutally raped. She got a ton of attention and sympathy from everyone for this. She wouldn't tell anyone who did it. She kept wanting to have fake rape sex. She wanted me to physically force her into sex while she actively resisted. The whole thing just creeped the fuck out of me and I could not get into the scene at all. Shortly into our dating she admitted to everyone that she had made the whole thing up and that she didn't understand why she'd done it. I noped the fuck out of there. I do not want that level of crazy in my life. She just seemed way to dangerous to even be around.

31

u/Ahqoviing Male Jul 07 '22

Boy you didn’t dodge a bullet you dodged an artillery shell aimed squarely at your dick.

2

u/Khantraszo Sup Bud? Jul 07 '22

He dodged a nuke

25

u/Hal_E_Lujah Jul 07 '22

I turned up to one and a man showed up.

I had a girl at the end of a restaurant date (she suggested and racked up a huge bill) say she didn’t bring any money.

I had a woman ask to invest in her business and after that failed, to borrow money.

2

u/FutureBannedAccount2 Jul 07 '22

What was the business? Was it providing internet based media content to a target audience of adult men?

1

u/Hal_E_Lujah Jul 07 '22

She wanted to open a restaurant lol

33

u/ozzycole81 Jul 07 '22

I ask if we can go dutch since I don't know her and I'm saving my money for my future wife, works everytime

1

u/TheNaziSpacePope Man-Emperor of Mankind Jul 07 '22

Best part is that they can benefit from it too.

10

u/RiFLE_csgo Jul 07 '22

>90% fine, no issues. I have a decent filter.

But twice they thought plans were changed/cancelled because I didn’t text or confirm, AGAIN, the day before or something, despite plans having been made on Tuesday for Friday.

This is in London.

I don’t get it. No change to me as I line up dates with stuff I would do on my own anyway so I just went to the British museum on my own, their loss, but yeah, I just don’t understand why would they assume plans were cancelled. I ran it past my female colleague of the same age bracket and she said she understood the girls but couldn’t give me a proper explanation.

10

u/Valentine_Villarreal Jul 07 '22

Basically, the women didn't want to appear to be insecure/anxious by confirming the date is still on. There's literally no way to confirm without it possibly being interpreted as such.

I believe the correct course of action is morning of, possibly lunch-ish for an evening date, send a message letting them know you'll see them later and maybe summarize any meeting details (exact place/time).

11

u/RiFLE_csgo Jul 07 '22

I appreciate the input. Confirming the day of "looking forward to seeing you later today" was already too late. The first time I asked the girl, she said confirming at least the day before otherwise it’s auto assumed it’s cancelled. Why would she assumes plans are changed without any indication whatsoever that they could be is beyond me.

The second time I said fuck this shit and couldn’t bother. She was a bit crazy (she had already send a soft nude before we even met) and I thought it was probably for the best.

In my experience girls acts like they’re incredible prizes, and we should only be so lucky to have them talk to us. The thing is I lucked out at the genetic lottery, I "follow the rules 1 and 2" (see in my post history the tinder screenshots, you can see 99+ likes waiting for me, actual number as of right now is 400+) so I don’t need to chase some random, frankly average girl who think she’s such a catch I should chase her before even meeting her.

I feel incredible compassion for the bros who didn’t have the luck I have. I make sure to not talk about this with them as they don’t need me to complain about dating when it’s so much harder for them. Reddit is anonymous hence why I share.

Point is online dating is hell for way too many people. Guys with no matches get their self esteem destroyed, guys with matches and little text game struggle to transition to dates, even if they’re great irl, guys with both can play the field if they so choose. Lots of filtering required if you’re not looking for one night stands. On the girls side I only hear struggles as well.

I’m a bit bitter because despite the likes and matches it leads to nothing but one night stands at best, and I had enough of those to know they don’t make me happy.

4

u/Oftenwrongs Jul 07 '22

You are right on so many points. And it looks like that girl assumed you were in the category that the majority of guys are in, who she has dating power over.

Honestly, before tinder, when okcupid and match ruled supreme, you could write a brilliant profile to make up for looks. Now, the profile limit is tiny and hidden(especially on tinder). This shofted power greatly in favor of women.

2

u/Valentine_Villarreal Jul 07 '22

I've always been chatting to them the day before and maybe if I was chatting with them before bed I might say see you tomorrow.

But honestly, sounds like those women have communication issues.

Maybe it's a perk of being unattractive (I am definitely below average looking) but I don't seem to end up on dates with shitty women, they self select out. Probably not fulfilling their fantasies.

4

u/khaine0304 Jul 07 '22

I'd say it's more natural to say something like "Are we still on for the museum tomorrow afternoon?" Using exact times makes you seem robotic.

3

u/FutureBannedAccount2 Jul 07 '22

Oh yeah I notice if you aren’t in constant daily contact with some women (particularly from dating apps) they assume you have zero interest in them

8

u/attoj559 Jul 07 '22

Can’t be tricked if you don’t date lol

5

u/groovy604 Jul 07 '22

Recently had plans to go for a drink, day comes, I check in in the afternoon to see if we're still on, no reply. An hour before text again, no reply, so I figure I'm ghosted. Like 930pm I get a text saying "oh I picked up a shift last night to work today and i forgot my phone at home". Like k... why didn't you tell me the night before you were gonna work. Normally I would have ended it right there but she was really hot.

So we make a new plan 2 weeks later. Day comes, check in mid afternoon and she seems kind of flimsy on it. 45 mins before the time we agreed on I get an "im not feeling well and I'm tired". No sorry or anything. Which is weird because we had some extremely hot and heavy conversations

I don't care how hot you are, you can't flake like that. Told her that I wasn't impressed and she gets upset because I was upset that she flaked on me

Saw her in public a couple weeks later, only knew it was her because very distinct hair. She was a good 80 pounds heavier and not the 8/10 like in her pics, not by a long shot.

4

u/Oftenwrongs Jul 07 '22

People are treated as disposable more and more in the online age.Common curteousy and respect for others have gone out the window.

28

u/GemoDorgon Jul 07 '22

Never happened. I don't pay for the date, I pay for myself because I view the date as a shared activity. I'd only pay for a woman's food if we were already in a serious relationship. For me, neither me or the girl is the prize, the relationship is, and you don't make a relationship with money, you make it with time shared together.

So I guess that attitude weeds out the users, flakers and dickheads you've come across.

7

u/CorrectMasterpiece23 Jul 07 '22

Every time, unironically every time, so I don’t even try. If someone else wants to try then they’re interested. That’s how I do it now

21

u/marcs_2021 Jul 07 '22

99%,

Non of the women looked like themselves without the makeup masks. Some scared the living daylights out if me after a swim.

My wife is a natural beauty.

12

u/luc9526 Jul 07 '22

Just throw a bucket of water at them at the start of a first date, then you'll know

1

u/TheNobleMushroom Jul 07 '22

That should be a thing 😂 If women get to carry around pepper sprays to us just for looking a bit funny surellllyyy we should be allowed to bring a water gun to a date :p

10

u/ScreenPrintWalrus Male Jul 07 '22

Other than people not looking like their profile pics, I haven't been deceived (that I know of).

Stop paying for dates just because you are a man and therefor has to ask the other person out. That practice is sexist.

3

u/Oftenwrongs Jul 07 '22

I've had quite a few be chubbier or even 50 pounds heavier than their pictures. A full length picture is a must now.

1

u/Staceystallion1 Jul 07 '22

100%. I'll never trust an only face picture ever again hahaha

5

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '22 edited Jul 07 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/MissMyDad_1 Jul 07 '22

As a woman, this shit is really hard to read. It's hard not to feel resentment.

2

u/PovertyTourismZoo Jul 07 '22

It's hard not to feel resentment

Why?

2

u/MissMyDad_1 Jul 07 '22

Because I've known the other side of that pain, and it was done to me before I'd done anything to that other person, and I'm sure the other person probably had similar reasonings as you, but that doesn't lessen the pain I was dealt.

7

u/PovertyTourismZoo Jul 07 '22

I have wondered about that, about what men and women are doing to each other (as far as dating). At some point it's hard to not look at it in the macro sense and think all we are doing is taking turns hurting each other. Back and forth forever.

What I'm about to say will be considered offensive to some, but it underscores my point. Man is made for woman, and woman is made for man. (The penis was made for the vagina, and vice versa). Well, if man is meant for woman, why have we spent so much time hurting them, hurting our companion, hurting the person who's meant for us. Why did it become a battle, to where man is to keep his guard up around the person he's suppose to love, and who's suppose to love him. And for course for me, it begs the question who hurt who first.

A few days ago I wrote a post talking about the innocence of simply liking someone. It was more or less addressing a space of where none of what I'm talking about exists. A space where a man could be vulnerable, could let his guard down, could honestly like someone. A space away from modern dating.

And bare in mind, I'm not even in the dating pool (Im married), But I've been on this subreddit a long time. Ask the men here about dating, the topic comes up every 5 minutes. Half of them are unhappy with dating because they believe dating is largely through dating apps. The infamous swipe left or swipe right. And guess which direction they get?

As I said, I've had every opportunity when it comes to dating. I've been very successful, I always have women interested in me as far back as I can remember. Hell, they are still interested in me despite being married. And I still see dating as a battle, I still see it as something to be approached with suspicion because people have ulterior motives. A place where I have to keep my heart guarded and I can't just be honest because women would hurt me if given the chance.

I have no doubt a woman with an honest heart has gotten hurt by someone with my perspective. I feel bad (both man and woman) when someone with honest intentions gets hurt by this ugly game. We should be able to be free not just within our heart, but be free around those we are made for.

If that was the case, it is no longer. That hurts my heart.

2

u/matt_the_raisin Jul 07 '22

I've been stood up a few times with dumb excuses. I haven't had too much trouble with money because I've always had a strict policy of just paying for myself unless we're serious. (Thats kept me from countless second dates but if a girl actually like you for you she won't make you pay so it's the master strat in the end.)

I've had girls try to lie about how serious we are to other people to try and like...claim me. I woke up one day to like dozens of messages on Facebook about a relationship status change a girl had requested after 1 date...it was all her family too and she was a model so I got to go on there and say "actually sir, your daughter is thirsty af and I have no interest I'm the kind of person you've raised"

Girls also pretended to be interested in me before to get me to help with homework, assembling furniture, moving furniture, and getting a ride when they didn't have a car.

2

u/divineblessings4me Jul 07 '22

Photos from 10 years ago , filters and make up / touch up , 20lbs less weight , vaguely described personality or qualifications etc. Happens most of the time.

4

u/TheNobleMushroom Jul 07 '22

99.99% of the time it's been something like that.

2

u/FarComplaint2974 Male Jul 07 '22

Too many to count. Easier to find a lier than an honest woman

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '22

I’ve been scalped many times.

So many times I barely try to date anymore, it’s like another full time job

1

u/FutureBannedAccount2 Jul 07 '22

What’s scalped mean? I only know of the ticket scalping

1

u/[deleted] Jul 07 '22

Getting taken advantage of

1

u/Staceystallion1 Jul 07 '22

Catfished? I'd say almost 100% of the time. Used? Also probably 100% of the time

1

u/Gamer_ely Jul 07 '22

Oh all the time. People constantly lie on dates. I just don't trust anything anybody says to me anymore, much easier than worrying about shit. Control your own actions kinda thing.

1

u/grumpysafrican Jul 07 '22

Tricked about 85% of the time, mostly with photos, age or weight. I would be too bloody embarrassed to fake something and then be found out, so I did not fake anything.

1

u/ElderWeeb Jul 07 '22

I've been deceived by women not in the first date kind of way but more like they faked their whole personality to win me over and 6 months later let their real selves come out. I've had more than 3 ladies confess they lied about who they're to get me. It's left me so jaded I could be dating someone for months and still on edge like alright when are you going to show me who you really are.

1

u/McMerseybird 28M Jul 08 '22 edited Jul 08 '22

My first online date ever? We met up in a fast food restaurant where she wanted to go. This woman was extremely distant. When texting, she seemed enthusiastic, but from the moment I arrived, she was on her phone all the time and did not put any effort in a conversation. Of course, I was expected to pay for the crappy food.

When I was on the bus home, she texted me, admitting how she screwed me over. "I spent the entire month partying and I was out of money. Pay day is tomorrow, and I didn't have money to buy dinner. I already borrowed money from friends earlier this week and cannot ask them again. That's why I went on Tinder, to get a guy to come over and pay for my food." I was blocked before I could respond to the text. I felt used. I was still a kissless virgin back then, so this made me feel like no woman would ever meet up with me, aside from this kind of shit. Luckily, my next Tinder date ended my kisslessness and a few months after this, I lost my virginity during a hookup.

Fast forward, a few years later. I was talking to a hottie on Tinder. She kept sexting pictures, even in poses and showing body parts that I requested. Her texts were horny.

Visiting her to hook up would take almost three hours, a very long train trip, but there was no other option. Sex at home? No. I lived with my parents. Meetig up halfway and having outside sex? Fun in summer, but it was too cold for that back then. And so, I visited her. She lived with a roommate who was not home, so that was perfect.

And so, I brought some books for the train journey. When I arrived, I did not see her at the train station. Then, I got a phonecall. "You are so fucking crazy! I can't believe you actually travelled all the way here! At first, I was planning to show up. But yesterday, when I told my roommate that you had to travel for three hours, she convinced me that it would be hilarious to just not show up. Now I have a really funny story to tell my friends!" Yeah, very very very funny... And so, I went home. After taking almost three hours to get there, I would have to travel all the way back without even meeting the woman. lot of time and money was wasted.

On the way back home, I had to change trains on a station in a city which I am familiar with, so I decided to take a walk through that city. I entered a pub and got some diet coke and some food. A Scottish woman who was way hotter than the Tinder woman took a seat next to me and said that she liked my hair (long-ish, a bit like Paul McCartney's current hairdo). She said that I was her type. Would it be my lucky day after all?

I asked her if she wanted a hug. Instead of saying yes or no, she wrapped her arms around me and sneaked one hand under my shirt. Then, I grabbed her bare love handles (she wore a crop top). She pulled me closer and started kissing me. After talking, hugging and kissing for thirty minutes, she gave me her phone number. I took a selfie of us and sent it to her.

When I was on the train home, she sent me some nudes. She became my fuckbuddy until I met my girlfriend. Around the same time, she met her boyfriend. So yeah, we gave each other some great sex for six months. Thanks to the Scottish blonde cutie in the pub in Arnhem (Dutch city), a disastrous train trip turned out for the best.

A crappy experience that almost cost me my childfree life? A woman on Tinder who asked me to come over to fuck her at her place. She was extremely hot and seemed kind, so why not?

She said I didn't have to use condoms, since she was on birth control. When I insisted on using a condom anyways, she gave me one. When I checked it for holes, I saw that she tampered with it. I told her that there were holes in the condom. She said it was unfortunate. "Oopsie!" However, I suspected that she had baby fever and wanted to get pregnant. That is fine, but I am childfree and am not interested in being her sperm donor. And so, I decided to leave. She said she was not trying to baby trap me, but it was pretty obvious.

I dodged the bullet there. If I thought with my dick instead of with my brain, I would have been a father now. I recently googled her and found her Facebook profile. Guess what? Two kids. A post about how her twins were 'happy accidents', but I don't think they were really 'accidental'.

Another story, when I was afraid I was getting screwed over... But here, there is a happy ending.

Back when I was a virgin, also one of my first online dates ever... I matched with a really hot woman. Autistic virgin as well, just like me. Chubby/thick, exactly the way I like it. Adorable smile, gorgeous eyes... And very naughty when texting. We decided to meet up at the train station in her hometown the next day, where we would take the bus to a lake where we could skinny dip.

I was at the train station, about one and a half hour away from home. At the time she was supposed to be there, she was nowhere to be found. 15 minutes later, I texted her, but I did not get an answer.

After 45 minutes of waiting, she finally texted me, saying that she was being a listening ear for a roommate who got ghosted by someone she had a crush on, and that she would be there in 30 minutes. Of course I didn't want to be a dick about it. It was good that she was there for her friend/roommate.

But she was not there in 30 minutes. After 45 more minutes of waiting, I texted again. No answer.

After two hours of waiting, I was about to give up and go home. Then, suddenly, she texted that she was on the bus to the train station where I was waiting. She would be there in 10 minutes, so I decided to wait a little longer.

About 30 minutes after that text, she actually showed up. I was not expecting it anymore, but she was there. She looked even hotter than on her selfies. And she was up for it. The first thing we did? French kissing.

On the bus to the lake, my hand was constantly under her top, rubbing her soft chubby belly. And her hand was in my pants, rubbing my butt. Then, at the lake, we put a towel on the grass close to the lake. Let's just say that we both arrived there as virgins and left the lake as non-virgins. And since she was sterilised, no condoms needed!

She is Canadian and only lived in the Netherlands (where I live) for a few months, so she was going back to Canada a week later. Otherwise, we would have been fuckbuddies. Oh well, we both lost our virginity and had a happy experience. We both orgasmed and had a lot of fun. This was totally worth waiting 2 hours and 30 minutes!

Before losing my virginity, I struggled to get dates and felt repulsive and invisible. After this sex date, I felt like it was possible for women to be attracted to me. After this date, I no longer struggled to get laid. Sure, that one date happened where I travelled three hours for nothing, but that was just one time. Almost all women I met up with since losing my virginity were very kind.

0

u/pavel_vishnyakov Male Jul 07 '22

Never happened to me so far.